lurking for so long

[Charliegirl302]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here.
You have helped me for the last 2 months without
even knowing it. I believe there are a lot more lurkers
than one would think. I walked away from loratabs (10s)
right before Christmas after reading posts for about a month..
I've been abusing loratabs for 5 years
or more. Prescribed for back pain, I took them for the high and
the escape from my reality. Loratabs turned into loratabs with pot,
then loratabs with pot and liquor, then finally all of the above with
Clonopin and Xanax. I never had access to a lot of pills so I would
mix them all to get high. Long, long story short I have nearly ruined
my life. I was a successful professional woman on my way. In the past
5 years i have run up over $50,000 in credit card debt financing pills
and my bills. You see, I wasnt' earning commisions in my sales job. I
was hiding at home by high.

My wake up call was when I learned I was going
to be fired at the end of December. I didn't believe
they would do it. They fired me.

I went cold turkey exempt Gor the Xanax. Nothing to
taper b/c I was only taking a few of each a day. I am
completely addicted. I think of pills and getting high a
thousand times a day.  You are my only support. I lied about
being fired and no one knows I take ( took) pills. My boyfriend
knew but doesnt think I  am addicted. Or that I should crave them.

Anyway. Thank you. I quit the Xanax after 2 weeks of no other pills.
I'm thought they were the worst physical symptoms. But I was going
through that at the same time as mental cravings for opiates. I've been
free of pills since jan 8th. I flushed the rest of the Xanax that day.
this forum has given me the courage to start to rebuild my life sober.

With love,
Charlie  

[flmagi]

Way to go!! I have no doubt you will start to pull your life back together now. You sound like a strong person. Yes, be very careful of the cravings and watch for those trigger points. They are around every corner.  Good luck to you and stay strong!!!
Magi

[Charliegirl302]

Corp pressures are unreal. Your CEO is the exact kind of *** that drives people to breakdown in some way. It still feels like a big boy world and cry babies can pack up their toys and go home.

Anyway, my inclination to self medicate started way before my career pressures. That was just another excuse to get high. I appreciate you support and the others on this board. Without you guys taking the time and making the effort to help others who are struggling, I would still be heading down the same path towards the same cliff.

I wanted to share my story so that I could start to try to help others as well. I know that lurking only helps me. Only by participating can I influence someone else coming behind me with the desire to stop.

Peace to you as well.

Charlie

[jim811]

Hi....your story touched me.  In my corp, we have quite a few middle managers, female, single, who are seriously stressed.  Job can be very demanding and I try to go out of my way, within reason, to be cool with folks who are having a hard time.  

Recently...I took a ride with my boss (CEO) and mentioned one of our middle managers was having a hard time and shedding a few tears...his response - Fuk that, no tears on the job...no joke.  He's a serious **** though :-)

So....with all those pressures, I can understand how anyone can get overwhelmed.and if u don't have life experiences or people to 2 talk too about, let's see, opiate addiction, well the school of hard knocks always helps too...

I'm with u ... I learned the hard way so pain meds are not the answer for me either...

Peace,

Nick..

[toxictome]

Th eblue xanax are 1 mg.    I readon this site for hrs. also..still do.....I got my xanax(and vics) from a friend, but since I'm a nurse...I always looked up all my pills, and if i couldn't  find a pic and /or a description...i wouldn't take them. Go figure that logic!! I dabbled in drugs when i was in my 20s, but never had a problem stopping, alcohol was my DOC!

I made a pact w/ myself when i was in my 20's that i would never inject anything into my veins  because I'd probably like it and then I'd be REALLY  f***ed...crazy, huh? and i never have...YET!!!...and i knew there were all these yets out there waiting for me (after reading these posts)if i didn't stop now...so in a way , i was kinda scared straight...lol...

[Charliegirl302]

I don't even know what kgs the blue xanaxes are. Ive never been prescribed them. I just bought them because my loratab dealer said they are a great high with alcohol. This shows how desperate I became towards the end. I thought nothing about buying this **** off of the street! Thing is...when I took the xanaxes alone I didn't get high like I did on loratab. I went from 1/2 pill a day to 3 a day very rapidly seeking that euphoric feeling. I regret the day I ever tried them. The restless legs continue but are getting better. I never had this problem until I stopped the Xanax. For 2 solid weeks I was mess. I just flushed them all. After that, I learned if the dangers of stopping benxis cold turkey . I had only taken the about 3 months.

I spent entire days in the bed reading this forum for hour after hour. Trying to scare myself so badly that I would never take a pill stain. Good luck with your effort to quit Xanax. You will be in my prayers.

[Charliegirl302]

Shelky, I have found another job...started this Monday. Every time I think of the hole I have to climb out of I get depressed and want desperatly to use. I still have my health for the most part. I have started taking amino acids and multi vitamins thanks to the great advice on thus site. The symptoms have been much better in the 10 days I've been trying to re-plenidh what I stripped out if my body.

All responders: I told myself for all of those years that I was in control of the pills. No fooling myself now. I have a very addictive personality. Sheer fear has kept me away from hard drugs. My love of opiates is greater than my love of any person or thing in my life. I know that in order for me to regain my life as I want it to be, I must stay 100% sober. There is no middle ground for me. 1 pill leads to a huge cocktail! I have lost most of last year due to blackouts. I am scared that I have permanently damaged my brain.

I owe my recovery (a lifetime struggle) to this site. I fully understand my potential for relapse. I am trying to determine what led me to this path. I will try to see a counselor when I get health INS again. Until them I will be here daily.

[1234betterlife]

great job. unbelievable how some can quietly pursue this without kicking and screaming and still come out on the other side. keep posting and concentrating on your aftercare. you have done great.

[toxictome]

I'm tapering off those still, but i did them for over a yr...i never really took more than 1/4 of the blue...once in a while 1/2...but only at bedtime...now i'm down to 1/8 and i'm about ready to jsu tstop them I also have the blue 1mg. and I decreased the dose by halffor a wk...so i thin ktonight is my last night...unless the anxiety get too bad....but i still get rls really bad....that's one of the reasons i liked taking the vics...i never had it ....I'm going to tyr some natural stuff that has been recommended on here.  Thanks

[IBKleen]

OMG..what a touching post. Welcome to the forum Charlie. I have chills and I am proud of what you have done. Keep it up lady and stay with us.

[Charliegirl302]

I was taking 3 blue zanaxes a day at the end to help with the anxiety of being without the other drugs. Not a high dose from what've have read here. But, the sheer pain and restless legs were never ending for over 2 weeks. I read the posts on paws. I'm just not sure if the symptoms were really the Xanax or my mind trying really hard to get me to buy more lortabs!

[shelly405]

I lurked here a month or so also. Everyone's stories are so similar. Good luck to you. When you get over the terror of it all, I hope you get moving and get right back out there and look for another job. After quitting the drugs, there is nothing we can't do if we set our minds to it.

My biggest thing is getting my health back. I didn't lose anything material wise, Thank God. I still own my house, car and my child. But I wrecked my body. I am overweight, my teeth went and I smoke like a train now. I want to be healthy again. Exercise and play with my kid.
Good Luck to You and hang in there.
Shell

[toxictome]

Welcome to the forum.    Great job!!! I lurked for a cuple of days before i "came out""lol.
Yhis is a great site w/ ALOT OF SUPPORT..We're here if you want  to keep posting....as you've read, the easy part is over..now you need to concentrate on the recovery part..(.aftercare). That is the process of dealing with the core issues that make us want to use. NA, Counseling, therapy, a support group of some kind is highly recommended.  Good Luck!!

I have a question...what dose of xanax did you end with ?

[GoingToMakeIt]

Way to go there! Another step in this is to let others know of your problems. You have made that step tonight. Please look into a good multi-vitamin and supplements. Your body has been leeched of it's nutrients by these drugs. Also look at the PAWS posts on GreatGreebo 's profile. Here's her profile
http://www.medhelp.org/user_profiles/show/333612

There is some valuable info here that could prevent a future relapse.