in danger of relapse

[kittykat58]

I am almost 2 weeks off the oxys & percs; my highest dose was 150mgs/day combined; I was on them for one year and tapered off to ~40mgs/day 2 weeks ago, then jumped off. I was using them for severe pain and had surgery to repair my hip 3 mos ago. the pain I originally used these for is mostly gone, but I still have some deep bone pain from the surgery, esp after a long day.

I am feeling very tempted to call in for ONE MORE RX (or even just get the ball rolling again) partly b/c of the hip pain but also partly b/c I can't seem to shake this herky jerky antsy stressed out feeling I have inside all the time...I am also constantly exhausted feeling and I react to even the smallest stresses with even more exhaustion, like I just want to crawl in a hole and be left alone. I have a family and responsibilities and avoiding everything just is not an option. I keep feeling if I could just have a few more pills -- even some vicodins -- I could have a little break from this endless feeling of exhaustion and stress.

I am eating nutritious foods and I am doing llight exercise (walking swimming), but the rest of this time I just want to lay around like a dead animal and be left alone. I feel bad for my kid and how much I want to just put her in front of the tv -- HELP!!! I worry that maybe I am just not done yet.

I went through this 20 yrs ago and know where it leads -- the humiliation of doctor shopping, the constant preoccupation w/ getting more drugs, the inability to participate in the everyday stresses (and joys) of life....how did I get hooked in again?

[kittykat58]

I am taking lexapro (I have for the past 2 yrs) -- I increased it a bit during the first part of wds but am now back to a 1/2 dose (5mgs) -- I feel a little too lethargic on the 10mgs.

I agree that the stress and anxiety is like a anxiety disorder/depression thing, and I have benefitted from SSRIs at times (after the birth of my daughter, and now...).

anyway -- keep on truckin' everyone. I actually do feel a great deal better today than I have any day since I stopped the narcs (day 14) -- so I am starting to believe it gets better! (it has to, right???). I believe too that everyone is different so don't expect a cookie-cutter description of what the course will be through wds....BUT IT HAS TO GET BETTER SOMETIME!!!  :)

[ali3674]

Congrats to you.  The AA meetings sound like a great idea for you..... Have you ever been diagnosed with depression or does this kind of thing run in your family?  I was just wondering if maybe your stress level and anxiety level are related to some inherent depression that could be treated by a doc.  I notice that I am too very anxious and stressed out all the time, and its not from withdrawals, its just a chemical imbalance. Just something to think about.... Good luck to you and stay strong

[kittykat58]

BTW, I am day 14 off oxys and percs.

[kittykat58]

haven't used yet....left rx at pharmacy, can't bring myself to cancel it yet but I think it will cancel itself if I leave it alone. I don't know why I can't bring myself to do it, but I do know I continue to feel GOOD that I didn't use at each point in the day when I reflect and realize that I would have used and what I would be feeling like later if I had -- disappointed, hopeless, mad at myself, "recaptured....". I especially feel good when I wake up in the AM and realize I am still FREE and have a chance!

..and hubby and I hooked up this morning, something I haven't felt like doing for a looooong time.. I guess my body is starting to come back to normal.  :)

I did go to one of my old AA meetings yesterday (haven't been there for 8 yrs!, partly coz we moved away for 6 of them) and saw many ppl that were still there from long ago. my best friend from AA isback in town and we are going to go together to a meeting tomorrow. it was mostly a good experience and I think it will be good for me to keep going, at least a few times/week and find that support. there's some good folks there, many cross-addicted.

[kittykat58]

I did go to one of my old AA meetings this morning and it helped...I need to do that b/c coming off the dope has made me consider drinking as an option..I haven't had a drink in 20 yrs or so and don't want to go back.

I saw a guy there that I haven't seen in 8 yrs who's STILL talking about wanting to buy a pound of heroin....but he's STILL CLEAN after all this time!!  :)

hang in there everyone. there are resources out there and there is hope, so please reach out to everything you have available to you if you want to stay clean!

[kittykat58]

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning (CLEAN!)....and it took me a minute to remember what had been the issue last night, or shake that feeling I had had a bad dream...but then I remembered I had WANTED to use, had ALMOST used, but in the end DIDN'T USE....really, thanks to my husband and to you all...if hubby hadn't made me pause and think, I would've been off to the pharm like a shot.

I had that same feeling this morning that I used to have when I used to drink like a pig, and I'd wake up and wonder what hd happened the night before, and then I'd remember and it would sink like a weight down around me and I'd spend the next 40 minutes trying to minimize it all and rationalize it all away and then start drinking again as soon as I got that settled....only this time it was the reverse! I spent a few minutes recalling what had happened and then felt SO GOOD -- not jumping-up-and-down good, but kind of deeply, grimly good, that I escaped disaster by a thread, by sheer grace....and I have another chance to continue on and stay clean now -- 2 wekks PLUS.

hang in there scared113 -- 2 days wil turn into 3 and 5 and 10 and 20 and 30....just make sure you share your most addict-y thoughts with someone who is going to be around and know what you are doing!! even here -- just sta on the computer through the rough spots and wait for that lifeline to come your way. the feeling WILL pass. sometimes the obsession take s a little longer to shake, but the craving will pass if you let it!). we need to help each other here, big time...

this tells me why it's good to share with others what we're going through (something most addicts NEVER want to do), because sometimes it's only going to be that one loved one, or the grace of God, that might save us from ourselves....scary but true.

I think I'm going to start going back to AA meetings, too -- I need to hear other ppl in recovery. I do thank everyone here for all their support and help, I will keep you posted on how things go this weekend (one day at a time....).

[worried878]

it just starts another cycle that u will have to deal with again...this never goes away unles we just stop...it never gets better and getting another scrip is so short term...life is long term..we hope

[scared113]

what i would give to be 2 weeks clean. i am on day 2 and lets face it you dont want to go back to day 2. day two ***** with only day 3 and day 4 to lookforward to. please for me dont do it; please show me there is hope for people like us' if it does not get better after 2 weeks i thinki should just drive off a cliff right now.....

[kittykat58]

thank you so much everyone for your responses. I am so teetering on the edge. I did call in for the script but did not pick it up. my husband stopped me as I was going to get it and said, "are you sure this is a good idea? I'd hate to think of you having to go through this again...". it stopped me long enough to let the pharmacy close, and I had a chance to read all these replies and I know it's right but IT'S SO HARD!!! I thought I would be through this by now (2 weeks). I can't get past the exhaustion and stress, life just won't wait for me to catch up and I want to feel better for just a little while. I so appreciate ppl sharing their experiences -- timmyVD -- I don't want to go thorugh what you described, and bandnmom, ktodd, liscamdave -- I know it will not end. I am so mad at myself b/c I went through this 20 yrs ago and got to a point then of just knowing it was going to never end if I didn't stop it, and at that point I did write to my docs and told them not to prescribe for me anymore and that was that, I got into recovery.....now I let myself use these meds fr pain/surgery and it's like recoery never happened, I just laid down and let it roll oer me.

the craving has passed and I take seriously what timmyVD said about the guilt (my child!) and I will cancel the rx tomorrow and I will take the amino acid suggestions -- I will go to the GNC tomorrow and look for all these things. I do want to get through this and I will keep you posted and again -- thank you for the help. I really apprecite it.  :(

[liscamdave]

You can go call the script in Kitty, but what will happen when that too has run out? You already know this process is inevitable. ANd will repeat itself until you can put an end to it. The simple fact that you CAN call a script in or have the ability to, shows strength being that you still haven't. Trust in that strength. Even if you do not feel it or see it, its there. Call upon us to help you. We are here. Good luck. I will pray for you.

Lisa

[dominosarah]

Getting out and sitting in the sun and getting some fresh air helped me alot.  Dont call in for another script.  It will only make it worse.  Give yourself some time to heal.  We abused our bodies.  The herky jerkys will lessen and you will feel like getting up and doing something.  The vitamins are a must too.  I swear by them.  Stay strong   sara

[Kova]

have you tried the amino acid protocol at the right bottom of the page?  i started taking them yesterday and it really seems to have gotten rid of my anxiety all together.

[K Todd]

WE ALL GO THRU THE SAME W/D'S...AND WE HATE THEM JUST AS MUCH!!!

Just focus on the future that is right ahead of you....we all have or are going thru the exact same w/d's as you....and there is no easy way out>>!!

Just keep you motive where it was in the begining....I know exactly how you feel, I gave in so many times and had a scrip called in, because I could not take the pain and w/d's that you are desribing...

This time coming off 18-20 hydro's....I want my life back...and I do not care what I have to go thru...but I am not looking back!

Just look what these drugs have done to you, and stripped your life...just think about how bad you want your life back before you make that phone call..

I will be praying for you!
God Bless You and May Jesus Christ touch you with all of His Love!
Love,
Todd

[TimmyVD]

Gosh don't do it!! PLEASE! You were me two weeks ago, and unfortunately I relapsed. Sure, I only had a few pills but the aftermath was almost impossible to bear. I felt guilty, like I let myself (and my kids) down.I almost quit my job for goodness sakes! I started getting snappy and was lashing out of everyone because of all of these emotions. It was NOT worth it. At the end of the day, the situation you are trying to get away from is still going to be there when your done...even the anxious feeling  you have. It's going to come back and it might be worse. Don't wake the sleeping dragon. We are all going to feel physical pain in life and that's part of being human. Try to get through it. You even said yourself that it wasn't that bad anymore. Call your pharmacy and cancel the last RX. You'll thank yourself in the end...believe me.

[bandnmom]

Dont call in for that script. You know if you do there will be another "just one more" and another! You have already made it past the really bad as far as withdrawls go. Just stick with it! Your energy will come back and with that the stress will lessen also. I know the last thing you feel like doing is going out but you will be surprised how good it will make you feel to get outside. Take your daughter for a walk or to the park. Fresh air does wonders and it ill also keep your mind elsewhere! Good luck to you and stay strong! You can do this! You have come so far already!

[broknbck]

before you get that script filled, have you tried some of the herbal remedies yet.

valarian root works pretty well. it acts like valium. you can buy it in an elixer. you know drops in a bottle. it works pretty fast too.
also the l-theanie is good for calming also. it is an amino acid.combine it with some other amino acids like l-methionine and l-glutanate and it will work on brain repair which will balance out your anxiety and feeling of well being.

i noticed an improvement within days of starting the amino acids.