Ashamed...

[NowOrNever43]

I am so tired of this merry go round.. why do I put myself through all of this. I took a few pills this afternoon because of the anxiety from the panic attacks and I am so disappointed in myself. And I am sure you are all sick of me saying the same old thing.. I want more than ever to get clean. I am such a failure. I am not taking anymore I am done. I hate these stupid pills, I hate the hold they have on me. I am stronger than this, I am not setting myself up for failure anymore, I am just going to do it. I don't care about withdrawals anymore, what is a few days for the rest of my life? So sorry everyone, I really hate myself right now.. I will do this, its a promise I am making to myself and its a promise I need to keep.

[NowOrNever43]

You have a way of writing that puts me to tears, not bad tears but good tears. I am so grateful for everyone who is pulling for me. I have been abusing for about 3 years now. I want this so bad, and I definitely do not want to fail. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I will do this.. we will do this.

[thewaz]

You know you're not a failure, right?  You wouldn't be here if you were a failure, right?  And did you think this was gonna be some crazy fun walk in the park?  How long have you been abusing your body? Me..nine years.  And at 58, I lost a chunk of valuable life.  I know you read the post I just put up. And I also know you've got this.  Emotions are strong right now.  Sounds like you're anticipating failure. I refuse to anticipate that for you.  I EXPECT success despite the journey it will take you and me to get there. Do this. For you.  Mad love..
waz

[Dixiechick72]

We all stick together here. That's what gets us through this!!! You'll be ok. Just stay strong and well fight this fight and beat it together!!!!  U want it??? Yes!!! So now let's kick some butt ok. U can do this.

[NowOrNever43]

You are all amazing people, and give me a lot of hope that I can and will beat this. I hate these darn pills, I hate them so much! I am so happy I posted this, I was so ashamed that I slipped again but I have a new found confidence. :)

[NowOrNever43]

Congrats on your 77 days! I can not wait to be able to say that, I appreciate your support. I never thought I would get this far into taking pills but am so happy I found this website.

Blackwolfsgirl- Thank you for your support, you are right the mind is a powerful thing and I am going to take the tools you just gave me and use them. I need to do this, I want to do this. I hate what I have become because of these pills. I was a happy, goofy, fun person before the pills and I will be the same off of them. Thank you again.

[NowOrNever43]

Thanks for the support, you have been a great help thru all of this along with Pat and Minn. I am going to jump right back on the horse. :) Thanks for sticking by me.

[ribs2k]

I agree that is some great ideas. Meditating abd programming your brain to be who you want. Thanks.
Randy

[NowOrNever43]

Thanks for the encouragement! Congrats on your tapering, I will be thinking of you!

[minn66]

Blackwolf, what an excellent approach! Great posts :)

[Blackwolfsgirl]

Also, I didnt feel desperate or sad. It was what I  WANTED. This is just a hiccup in the road to health. That was another thing that changed, my outlook on withdrawling.

[Blackwolfsgirl]

I can relate all too well. I am 11 days clean today and I have probably detoxed 20 times in the last year trying to get clean. You have to want it, and have no doubt that this is it. What made ot different for me was it was my choice. I didnt go.ct out of desperation because I didnt have any more. I took a good long look in the mirror and actually started talking yo myself (the addict in me) saying how much I hated that person and how I did NOT want to be this person I turned into. Also, everynight I would meditate and tell myself, " I am stronger than my addiction. I am beating my addiction. I am winning." This really helped me. I know it sounds weird, but try it. The mind is very powerful and it actually helped with my wd's too.

[Dixiechick72]

Hey now!!! You're not a failure ok!!! Like they said u are here and posting. U gotta be like pat and jump right back on the horse and keep on going. U want this. If u didn't u wouldn't be here but you're seeking help and that's great!!! Just hang in there and trt to do other things when the anxiety hits. Don't beat yourself up. U fell down now get back up and brush yourself off and let's do this ok!!!

[janice25]

Congrads to you> I am 2 years without booze and have been tapering slowly. i take 100mgs in the afternoon and 25mgs at night. So far so good. Meeting makers make it!

[NowOrNever43]

Thanks for you words of encouragement!
Ribs- I have been following your posts, I know you can do this! You are strong! Let me know how the meeting goes tonight, unfortunately I do not have any in this area. But I think I am going to call on a higher power and start going to church.
KME- I feel a lot of guilt too and that will keep me pushing forward. These pills do absolutely nothing for me. I was thinking about it, I have no sex drive(TMI I know, sorry), I am always lazy, my hair feels weak, etc. etc. I am rooting for us!

[onthefence]

you can do it! ppl do it every day!
I never thought i would be 77 days w/out opiates ever, but here i am and finally getting more than a couple hours sleep, and mind getting clearer every day, it really is worth it.
I was on this forum researching for years before i got the courage, and some health probs forced me to face the ugliness inside, but it can really turn around ,, i am proof!!! hang in there.....

[NowOrNever43]

We will do this, I am more determined than ever! Together we are strong!

[NowOrNever43]

I went and flushed too, nothing in there but it felt good to pretend! haha  :)

[NowOrNever43]

My husband knows and is extremely supportive, I have been getting them off the streets so no refills I need to worry about but I do think I need to tell my supplier I am done and to not supply me anymore. I have everything I need for withdrawals, I have multi vitamins, cal/mag/zinc tablets, protein shakes, gatorade, epsom salt, etc. I just need to find my strength within I know its in there and I am going to find it this time.

[kme17]

I know how you feel. The last few weeks i was on oxy i kept telling my husband i swear i am done. I have to get thru this trip, day, work, and for sometimg i lead him to believe i was clean for a 2 weeks.  He would look at him with a look of u failure. He said i cant believe u lead me to believe u had week .. i said i cant beileve u actually believed i was clean n still running around happy as can be. So that look from him the empty bank acct. Raacked up cc and my own shame. guilt n failure feelings got me to day 4.. u will get fed up on of these tries. Just dont let another yr go by before u do. Stick around here so you can remember why u wanted to do this in the first place

[minn66]

I went ahead and flushed since you don't have any more. Thankfully, I did not need my Mega Plunge 2000 ;)

[ribs2k]

Now or...
Hey I am in a similar situation. Went  cold turkey from the OXYs then picked up Tramadol when I was 17 days clean because the anxiety was too much. It makes me feel a little better knowing that others are facing the same challenge. I don't have the answers but I know I am going to try NA meetings starting tonight at 8. I really hope it can help me turn this around. Putting ourselves through withdrawals over and over again *****. Next time I suffer through withdrawals will be my last. Stay strong and keep at it. The people on here are awesome and support you no matter what so keep at it,
Randy

[Pat1956100]

A failure wouldn't come on here and post and try again.  You are far from a failure, my dear.  You are going to do this and so am I.  

[NowOrNever43]

You ladies are a Godsend. I do want this more than I ever have, I feel like a failure but I am going to find my strength and do this. I appreciate you ladies both writing to me, you make me feel like I am not worthless and give me the strength to keep on pushing. I promise you Minn if I still had em left I would definitely have a flush party with you. I only bought a couple and to tell you the truth they did nothing for me just like you said Pat! You are both amazing. :) Big hugs to both of you!

[vicki595]

Just let this go and find strength in your resolve. What have you done to help your efforts? Have you flushed any pills in the house? Cancelled any refills? Told anyone?  These simple tasks will go a long way to secure your sobriety right now.

Are you prepared for withdrawal symptoms? Do you have everything you might need? Ask any questions you have. A lot of us have been through this and have a ton of shared wisdom...just ask!