Did my Fiance use yesterday

[concernedfiance]

I am getting married in a week and I had just found out about my fiances addiction 2 weeks ago. He has been snorting Oxys for 9 months he says. He was not perscribed them, he was buying them & selling them on the streets. he would only go about 2-3 weeks between using (he says).


My fiance has been clean for about 2 weeks now since being caught and it's been hell. Because we are getting married in a week I had to decide wether or not to go through with it knowing that this is something i'm going to have to deal with probably for the rest of my life.

I have been all over the map these last weeks watching him detox...man he's nasty mean when he does that, then watching him be ok - or at least what i percieve as ok.

Then yesterday he comes home from work, late and is happy, not overly happy, but happy and he starts taking up issue with me looking at him...I look at him in the eye to see what his pupils are like because I read that if he as using they would be pinholes. Anyway so I went outside to his car (that's where he would do this after work) and I find a broken letter opener (he used the blade to shave the pills) that I thought I had cleaned out of there 2 weeks ago. So I go back into the house and I thought ok I'll talk with him about this in a bit, but he started on me..."whats going on in your head, why are you giving me weird looks". So then he says he's going outside because I'm stressing him out...So I say "yeah cause I'm ruing your buzz". We argued.

Then he goes and has a drink (whisky & coke) seems ok outside talking to the neighbor then comes back in and takes the hottest bath known to man. When I went in to talk with him he's telling me that he's clean and that I need to leave him alone because I'm making him mad. Then he gets outta the bath after I leave and seems fine. But then he comes to bed and can't sleep so he goes downstairs and crashes on the couch eventually.

So my question is....did he use yesterday? Is this typical oxy behavior?

[cheerios]

Glad you postposted but I do feel for you.  I can imagine anyone being depressed, if it was suppose to be the happiest day of your life and it has been stolen from you (BUT ONLY TEMPERARILY sp?) Don't blaim yourself for all the "mess".  It 50/50 in any relationship -remember that.  You don't feel it now, but it will all work out, either way.  For the best.  You may need some anxiety meds to get through the next week or so, but I wouldn't take them more than that as they might make you more depressed.  I find that "drugs" in general will always reflect what you are feeling deep down.  When I used and I was "happy" well I just felt happier. But when I use when I am depressed,sad, or running away from sad thoughts (which is most of the time) I just feel even worst - more sad.  For me, drugs have never ever made a bad situation, happy. It just exaggerates how I feel (personally).

Keep in touch sweety,
Cheerios

[broknbck]

Well i am not so young anymore. i have learned that when i am not sure what i am doing is the right thing or not i go by by feelings. if i am feeling good about it or happy it is right. if i am feeling sad or bad about it , it is wrong. only you know what makes you happy.

the whole marriage thing is just a piece of paper really. And if you two want to be together of course you do not need it.

ps. the oxys would totally complicate this whole mess, don't you agree. Try a funny movie. Saw Pineapple Express last nite and it was hilarious!!

[avik7]

i know its hard now..this is all just a test for yalls love. everything will work out the way it is supposed to. i think u will be happy that u did this. im sure ur lost and confused, but if u would have married u prob would have felt those same feelings til death do u part. now u guys have the time to figure things out and make things right. if and when u do get married he will be sober and the marriage will be everything u dreamed of. best of luck. keep us posted!

[cathy5841]

i know it was a very hard thing to do.  but, i am sure it was the right thing to do.  however taking a pill will not heal your hurt.  time is the great healer and sometimes it takes alot of time.  stay strong..your son needs you.  and keep posting.

[concernedfiance]

I postponed the wedding.
That was a very hard decision to make, but I know I made the right one :)
My fiance is still with us and is going for an assessment to Adapt in sep. He wants to stop and has appologized for the pain he is putting his family through...Problem is now I am very depressed. I feel like through all my life all the **** that has happened to me has been my fault...you know like what is the constant variable in all of this? ME. I have struggled with depression and anxiety before and now I am sinking back into it....I feel like there is too much pain in my life and that if i wasn't around things would be better. Sad, I know, but that's how screwed up my thinking is from all of this...this whole addiction and wedding has puched me over the edge or reason....before I could snap outta my depressive thoughts, but now it's getting harder and harder. I have a counsellor and I am going to talk to her tomorrow, but I feel like total ****. I wish I could take the Oxys and make MY pain all go away!

[cheerios]

To Fiance- Just following up on the plan and see if you are still checking in...

[newgirl2708]

As I read this I'm thinking of all the cliche's:

Once a cheater always a cheater (it doesn't have to be infidelity either)

He's not going to change

You get what you paid for
and so on..

When I got married, I kinda knew...teeeny tiny small voice in the back of my head...whispering...don't do it...ever so softly..but I shoved it down way down. Everyone had done so much for the wedding and so much money had been spent...I couldn't pull out..toooo much had been done. Then, about 5 days after the wedding, I remember distinctly, I shouldn't have done this. However, I had made a commitment and stood by it. It was miserable. But I endured. Made the best of it. 16 years later we are divorced. Suffered for nothing. I wish I could shake that 24 year old girl and tell her to be more responsible and tell her she knows what she's talking about. That she should be commended on making a mature decision by not getting married. Worse yet having her childeren's heartbreak by bitter divorce. If your worried about what other people will say or think (i did) maybe explain the scenerio.
Take people's advice or not, there are solid statistics out there that will prove you will surely be facing this your entire life if you stay.
Since this just "showed up" two weeks ago. That sort of null and voids the plan doesn't it? Your key to get out? Your free pass...so to speak.
I understand, easier said than done, I understand. I do.
Good Luck in whatever you choose.
Newgirl,
PS
One thing I like to tell people, when the answer is obvious to the rest of us, is, go back and re-read your post. Remove the names and pretend you didn't write it, what would you tell this girl? What advice would you give?

[Lily700]

Hi Honey, make a good choice.  My daughter married an addict.  She knew he was addicted, but he had just gone to rehab and was so sure of himself.  They had a beautiful daughter who I am now raising (long story).  Anyway, he relapsed about a week before the wedding, but swore he never would again.  She believed him, they got married, and one month later, he was out using again.  She tried to hide it, but he started not working and stealing money from her for his drugs.  They lost their apartment, she lost her job trying to shuffle the baby back and forth, chase him down, etc.  It was a mess, he ended up in jail for 2 years after hitting her several times.  She ended up in a mental health facility for 5 months trying to deal with everything.  It isn't worth it.  Wait until he stops using and stays clean for a long time before you marry him.  He has already deceived you for 9 months.  My husband, my daughter's father, begged her in the LIMO before the wedding to drive away from the wedding, but she would not do it.  The wedding was beautiful, so beautiful, but what happened after the wedding to the marriage was controlled by his active addiction.  It is a sad life and it almost destroyed my daughter and left scars on my grandbaby that I am still trying to help her heal.  Please wait.  You have your whole life ahead of you but it is only one life, and your son and you deserve better.  God Bless you.  Lily  

[scaredmom330]

hun, you can't make someone addicted quit unless they want to, no matter what you do...cry, threaten,,offer them anything. It has to be their choice, not yours.. so you have some serious decisions to make, do you want to stay in this relationship? or get out while you can? only you know the answers but believe me, the only thing you can do for him at this time, if you chose to is be supportive, don't contribute to his addiction, and love him. I have a son who is addicted and in the same boat as you. I would give my life if he would stop but it has to be his choice not mine. remember you are a victim of his addiction... hope this helped. pm me if you want to talk...

Karen

[james2069]

oxy withdrawl last 3 to 4 days I quit methadone of 60 mg constantly it lasted two weeks of hell. just quit he will be fine.

[wannabefree330]

Bottom line here really is what are you prepared to do if he DID use yesterday?  You are allowing this behavior to continue and there's no reason why he should stop.  No consequences.  True you are having arguments, and tense moments but all he has to do it go get high to get rid of that.  You are the one left to deal with the emotional baggage.  You need to set some limits and stick to them.  Not only for him, but for you.  You're headed down a road of questions and lack of trust and that's rocky ground for a marriage.  Even if you get a drug test and it's positive, what are you going to do?  You can't make him stop using, but you can change the way you react to whats going on.  

[Vinnieanew]

If you cannot postpone the wedding then mayve consider this.  Sit down and have a serious conversation with him.  Come to an agreement that he admits he is an addict.  That you will support him the whole way through.  Make it clear that due to the wedding, as messed up as it is, cont. let him use till AFTER the wedding or honeymoon....if that can be postponed the better.  Make it clear what you're doing AND day 1 you're back home, he has to stop.  First slip up, it's really up to you, or let him know that it has to end or you will turn around and file a divorce.  Just think right now, all the stress of the wedding coming etc....and it not able to postpone.....maybe a bad time to decide to have him quit since time is a addicts best friend.

[avik7]

well im 23 and just got married in spet of 07 and both me and my husband started off our marriage addicted to pills...we had to make sure we had enough to get us thru the honeymoon is the bahamas and all..it was a mess. i dont even remeber my wedding day/night bc i was s high. you dont want him to be that way .we are now 12 days clean together. and i tell u our marrige is wonderful now. u really need to think about this b4 jumping into this. is it worth going thru all the emotions and divorce if he doesnt change. do what u think is best, but he needs help. dont beat urself up about not knowing he was addicted...none of our friends knew for a long time. it wasnt until we quit coming around and didnt talk to anyone until people started putting it together. his addiction isnt going to change over night not even a week. is this how u want to start your marriage. i would love to go back and get married all over again sober. i wanna know the feelings i had..i had no emotions, atleast i have the pics..good luck in ur choice. keep us posted

[Lynn79]

I'm sorry to be harsh, but why wouldn't postponing the wedding be an option?  You have just said that if he continues to lie, you're out of there and taking his son with you.  If you're prepared to do that at any given time in the future, why get married right now in the first place?  You would rather be divorced than to think it through now, while you still have the chance?  From what it seems, he has already lied for 9 months, and you also said that he has been clean for two weeks "since being caught."  Does that mean that he only quit because you caught him?  I am an addict, and I lied to my girlfriend for about a year.  There are so many other things that I lied about while I was doing drugs, that she doesn't even know about.  If he is just free flying, with no treatment or counseling, it's going to be very hard for him to stay off the Oxys.

[GoingToMakeIt]

It is very common to not recognize the signs of addiction. But as it progresses it slowly changes the person. When it used to give them energy and lift their spirits it will change to only making them feel normal when they take it. Many become more and more distant and introverted. If they decide to quit, It is many many months to getting back to normal. I would think twice about marriage at this time.

[concernedfiance]

Avik you have not made me mad...the way I am looking at this is that what I feel in my heart and stomach on my wedding day will be my answer at the alter...I know that is stupid to leave to the last minute and in front of everyone, but that is my only way of knowing really if I can handle it.

I don't get any of it, I try but I don't get how I did not see any of this for 9 months....where the hell was my head at?

[avik7]

postpong the wedding should be talked about in my opinion. if he is still using do u want to do this for the rest of your life and think about ur child do u want him/her to be around that? and what if hes high and watching the child and he falls asleep and something happends..and also is he quitting bc he wants to quit of bc u found out. an addict will not quit unless its in their heart. ive seen a fam members marriage fall apart over this...and they werent married long...he lied and did drugs behind her back..he lived two completely different lives. but u guys may be strnger than them. i hope i didnt make u mad . but like i said this is just my opinion, and hell...what do i know?

[concernedfiance]

I live in Canada, does anyone know if there are drug tests at the Shoppers Drug mart?

[concernedfiance]

Postponning the wedding isn't an option and we already have a child together.

I keep telling him that I will stick with him if he is honest with me about it, but if he continues ot lie then I'm outta there and taking his son with me. He has nothing to loose if he is honest, but I just don't understand what happened last night? Maybe he is just fed up with me being so suspicious and continuing to talk about it, or maybe he did do it and was comming down when he got home from work....I'll never know the truth I guess.

I don't know if I can look him in the eye next week and say I do...and I don't know how he could either to tell you the truth...it would eat me up inside if I had a secret as big as his.

[casper_47]

Girl,
I so hope that your fiance is telling you the truth.. I have been married to an addict for 30 years.. And I didnt know about his addiction for a very long time...You are lucky that you know ahead of time.. Maybe you should think about postponing the marriage until he is through the withdraws and the addiction first.. NO time to be getting married and going on a honeymoon when he is going to be having mood swings and being unstable emotionally... Not trying to bring you down .. But you do want him to get help.. Maybe start an NA program.. And you do have a right to be suspicous nobody is on the same page as a user... My husband has only been clean for 3 weeks because he started on the drug called suboxone.. it is a newer drug... But from what I have read and the way it is going I have a little hope that someday soon it will be all over with... Good luck to you and your fiance.. keep in touch and post whenever you need an answer..luv Casper

[cheerios]

I would postpone the wedding, if possible.  This is your only life and you don't seem to be willing to put up with it.  I don't blaim you.  I'm an addict and my dh had no idea however I was a small time user, not snorting.  Nevertheless, still an addict.  This will effect your ability to get pregnant and your future kids - everything.   Just think about it.  I hope it all works out and that the both of you can be honest together and support each other and if he slips (which is possible) that you won't divorce him.  I think the both of you need to talk this out a bit more....and quickly.

Just my opinion
Cheerios

[cathy5841]

oh hun, it is very normal on oxy to have swinging emotions.  after you snort it you o are on top of the word...after a bit you begin to come down and get mean.  you want more...and you get very aggrevated with the ppl around you if they question you.  i know i was one of them..lol  you can get a drug test at cvs pharmacy and know for sure....if he gets mad about it thats his problem, yuo have a right to know before you marry him.  good luck.

[lifesaride]

only he knows if he used yesterday, i dont think its healthy to be suspicious and questioning, i mean either your both on the same page or not. If you truely love him, instead of trying to catch him how about trying to help him. granted he has to wanna quit, but not trusting him is not helping him. offer to go to a meeting with him, introduce him to thr forum.let him know your gonna get thru this together.Teddy

[broknbck]

Well while you are high on oxy you are feeling great about everything. so yea, it is probably the withdrawl. It screws your brain all up. Your emotions have a hard time just being there on their own without the drugs.
Does he know what is happening to him- his symptoms he is getting? what is normal to expect? If not- this is probably a very confusing, frustrating time for him.