90 days today....but a big question...need opinions

[paying_it_forward]

I haven't posted in aaages....I haven't needed to. Today makes 90 days...three months exactly of no suboxone, for a 2 year painkiller addiction...i haven't touched an opiate based painkiller since late 2009.

I have no cravings for painkillers whatsoever....but I'm having massive knee problems again...I'm talking major pain. I've tried panadol and an anti-inflammatory but nothing seems to ease the pain. I have had 2 previous knee operations...and half way through last year i slipped over in a shopping centre and cracked my knee cap. (still going with legal proceedings...ugh)

(and for the new people to the forum who may not know me....I'm currently studying Certificate 4 in Alcohol and other drugs...after my experience i want to help other people)

I went to the doctors the other week and showed her the abnormal swelling that wasn't there before the fall and she poked and prodded and said it seemed alright. Tomorrow I'm going back but seeing another doctor....

The problem i face is i don't know what to do mean time (if a treatment is going to take time etc)...should i RESPONSIBLY take the painkillers i was once addicted to (which is codine combined with an anti-inflammatory...the best thing for it)? I can't put up with the pain any longer.

When i was addicted to these painkillers my head/mind was in a different state....severely depressed...so many stressful things etc but now that is not really the case. I would be taking these painkillers for legitimate pain....bad pain...

I really don't want to tarnish my perfect record of being painkiller free...but then again I'm only 24 (25 next week :P) is it really expected that i am to never touch a painkiller again? Painkillers have their place in this world...i guess it's really just upto us to take it responsibly. I would reallyyy appreciate people's opinions on this particular question :)

Hope your all doing well!

[gnarly_1]

by the way congrats on your 90 days

[gnarly_1]

HI......I think you have made a wise desion not to go the pain pill rout ....I was on them for 10 yrs you have no idea how many times I stoped and tryed to control my use only to have it get worst then it was as addicts that part of our brain takes over the minute the endorphins flow
I dident see anybody mention iceing it down ice is a good way to bring down swelling get a frozen bag of peas or corn and rap that around your knee leve it on for 20min and see if that dosent help .....I know what its like to suffer chronic pain I have a really messed up back hence the 10 yrs on pain pills and 6 1/2 yrs on methadone ....today im forchanet enough to be able to moderate it it with ibuprofine I really feel for the addict that has chronic pain but sometimes physical pain beats the numbing effects of the pain pills good luck and God bless...Gnarly    

[paying_it_forward]

Thanks again for replying :)

After that doctors visit yesterday I was in a veryyy unstable mood. Even today i have been.

I think with the weight thing it's been part of my whole life...with my dad constantly verbally abusing me and making it such a big issue my whole life. It was drilled into me that overweight people were disgusting (i cant even mention the words my dad described). When i was on suboxone and antidepressants he told me to stop taking them (he doesn't believe in medication). It has become clear to me now that i am more than angry with my dad. Everything he's put my family through. Beating my mum while pregnant with me....doing drugs while i was conceived....how irresponsible. Yet i still feel guilty for not visiting him or calling him for a while. ahh words cannot describe.

As far as taking painkillers goes...I'm not going to go there. You guys can obviously spot signs in me that i can't....so no painkillers for me.

After the doctors trip i also jumped on facebook and spoke to a friend who i knew could "hook me up" with some illegal stuff...even though i knew i would never actually go through with getting something.

I just keep telling myself i'm seeing the ADHD specialist on thursday and things will get sorted. But if he sends me away with nothing then i don't know what to do (and neither does my mother...poor thing is at her wit's ends with me)

Other people might try to comfort me but i feel you guys are the only ones that really understand. Plus i guess it's no wonder I'm a little "crazy" ....I've done all of this...everything...the addiction..depression and anxiety and i am yet to see a counselor or therapist...I've done it all on my own.

ahhh thursday can't come quick enough...

[laurel453]

I learnt the phrase here, perch and it is indeed so true ...
Grace, have you read what perch has told you ? i wanted to say something similar...

YOU are NOT a failure, don't hate yourself. You have to deal with stuff but this is life, nothing is solved easily nor fast enough, right ? :) I know that with drugs we numbed life's frustration but this is not a healthy way of do it, it is the worst way. We have to learn how to deal with this frustration...people are not always nice, doctors, there is always some bad stuff running on our lives and we can only accept it and live with it....You have to stop blaming yourself, i know you are very dissapointed about the weight gain, it seems exercising is not possible with your pain but try not to binge, eat as healthy as you can, try some relaxing exercise ( Yoga..stretching...) , meditate in the evenings, you need to calm yourself and don't build up your anger...you will solve those problems with time and patience...focus on your studies ( don't put attention about what the others say about drug abuse or whatever)...and follow a healthy lifestyle, each day at a time....take care of yourself in a healthy way and little by little and step by step you will find that things will go better...Be proud of what you have accomplished and what you are doing, ok? :)

[perch101]

I'm sorry you're doing it tough at the moment. Unresolved pain is frustrating at best, extremely distressing at worst. The cortisone injections are a good idea. Of course, it would be better to fix the problem than treat the symptoms (which i'm sure you know!) Can you get a refferal to see a specialist?

It makes me sad to see you say these bad things about yourself (like your 3rd last paragraph) REMEMBER AND THINK ABOUT all that you have achieved. You quit abusing pain killers. You got of suboxone sucssfully and determidly. You pursed your dream of the AOD course and made it happen. You have not relapsed. YOU ARE a sucsess!

You are right that, at 24, at SOME stage in your life you will probably need opiate based pain killers. (post surgery, have a bad bone break or whatever). As Sara says, getting somoene to hold on to your pills and handing them out appropriately is the best solution. My Mum, and boyfriend have done this for me.

From reading your posts and journals, it really seems that your addiction is talking (or screaming!) to you at the moment. About half way through last year I developed generalised anxiety - perplexing for me as I've never been an anxious person. I was talking to my AOD counsellor about it (I see him for aftercare every fortnight) and he asked 'how long have you been clean again?' I said Dec 1st 2009. I told him I've never had anxiety before - he told me that my addiction was talking to me trying to get me to use. I said- no way - thats not it! I don't want to use and not even close! I remember him explaing they don't call it a baffling cunning disease for nothing - you can get angry, depressed, feel bad about yourself/low self esteem - it knows if you feel like this for long enough/bad enough you are more likely to use a substance to numb it. I remembered at rehab this being told to us as well. I think they used the phrase sabotaging yourself? I know you feel really bad so you think of how you'd feel better - you've mentioned ecstasy here and before - I know you're not going to do it but it's in your head! Take something to feel better! As Sara said..... your brain is playing games with you.

Laurel453's comment "a relape starts before it happens" really stood out to me - God its so true!

I really hope things look up for you soon :-)

Perch.

[paying_it_forward]

Soo i went to the doctors....of course they gave me no painkillers. She weighed me...obviously i knew I'd packed on the weight but i didn't know i weight THAT much. and i already knew that i needed to loose weight for my knee to atleast improve. But as soon as i told my doctor about the injury to my knee had lawyers involved she backed off and completely lost interest and didn't really want to get involved.

now i just feel like a fat disgusting repugnant peice of sh*t.

and right now i would just love to go out and get some ecstasy and get blitzed out of my brains on happiness even though its not real. But i'm too responsible...and i wont.

i was so disgusted with myself i punched the dashboard of my mothers car. my hand hurts...but i deserve it.