Aa
Addicted medical professional
I've been on this site awhile now, lurking and trying to taper. I'm down to 30mg of hydros a day, but I take pieces often because I can't seem to make it more than 3 hours. I've tried CT before, only to cave after about a week because of anxiety issues, which I currently take Zoloft for and a low dose Xanax, as needed. I don't take Xanax during the day because it makes me sleepy. I only use it in emergencies, which isn't often because the Zoloft keeps attacks at bay............until I try to get off the hydros.
I'm 35 years old and became addicted about 2 years ago. They were prescribed, at first, but then I started buying them from a friend. The friend has since moved away, so my supply is cut, you would think. In actuality, it's not cut because the kicker is that I'm in the pharmacy business. I have never stolen pills from my job in the 10 years I've been there, but I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind since my supply is gone. Yes. I know I could go to jail. I know I could lose my license. I know I could lose my child. I know I could lose EVERYTHING, but the addict in me may be stupid enough to chance that.
So, here's the deal. I'm going to try this CT thing again starting tomorrow. I have plenty left for a taper, but as I said, the taper is just not working. I have 6 days off and my child will be in school until Friday, so I will be alone most of the day until the weekend. I have supplies, but it's my mind I'm worried bout. I'm scared of the darkside that always ***** me back in.
My questions for you all are: Almost every post talks about "cutting off your supply". What if you can't? Even if I don't swipe some here and there from my job, I know plenty of people whom I can buy them from, BECAUSE of my job. I know what everyone in this town takes. It's very easy to gain access. Also, what about aftercare? Because of my career and what it entails, even if there were meetings/therapists, I couldn't go. I'd lose my license/salary/education and I have worked too hard for them. It's all I know how to do. Plus, I have a child to support. I imagine it's much like an alcoholic working in a liquor store, except I've spent nearly 6 figures on my education. I can't give it up! How do alcoholics get sober when they have access to alcohol?
I'm open to any suggestions. I am flushing my stash tonight after work. I can get through the physical stuff. I have before. Now, if I can only work on my head. Please give me advice. Again, I know I could lose everything if I steal from work, so you don't have to remind me, but there's other outlets for me to get what I want, if I wanted.
I've really gotten myself in a pickle........... :(
I'm 35 years old and became addicted about 2 years ago. They were prescribed, at first, but then I started buying them from a friend. The friend has since moved away, so my supply is cut, you would think. In actuality, it's not cut because the kicker is that I'm in the pharmacy business. I have never stolen pills from my job in the 10 years I've been there, but I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind since my supply is gone. Yes. I know I could go to jail. I know I could lose my license. I know I could lose my child. I know I could lose EVERYTHING, but the addict in me may be stupid enough to chance that.
So, here's the deal. I'm going to try this CT thing again starting tomorrow. I have plenty left for a taper, but as I said, the taper is just not working. I have 6 days off and my child will be in school until Friday, so I will be alone most of the day until the weekend. I have supplies, but it's my mind I'm worried bout. I'm scared of the darkside that always ***** me back in.
My questions for you all are: Almost every post talks about "cutting off your supply". What if you can't? Even if I don't swipe some here and there from my job, I know plenty of people whom I can buy them from, BECAUSE of my job. I know what everyone in this town takes. It's very easy to gain access. Also, what about aftercare? Because of my career and what it entails, even if there were meetings/therapists, I couldn't go. I'd lose my license/salary/education and I have worked too hard for them. It's all I know how to do. Plus, I have a child to support. I imagine it's much like an alcoholic working in a liquor store, except I've spent nearly 6 figures on my education. I can't give it up! How do alcoholics get sober when they have access to alcohol?
I'm open to any suggestions. I am flushing my stash tonight after work. I can get through the physical stuff. I have before. Now, if I can only work on my head. Please give me advice. Again, I know I could lose everything if I steal from work, so you don't have to remind me, but there's other outlets for me to get what I want, if I wanted.
I've really gotten myself in a pickle........... :(
Best Answer
I so appreciate your comments. Hey, that means we're just ONE DAY APART HUH?? How cool....lol
Where else can you attend an "international meeting" while resting your back and drinking a Dr. Pepper? :)
I'm addicted to that, too, but hey.........let's get it in perspective. So far, the caffeine isn't working, I drink it anyway hoping. It worked great while on opiates, ha! Guess I just abused this body beyond immediate bounce back, not to mention I'm a lot older now.
Good hearing from you and ashka747, too!
Where else can you attend an "international meeting" while resting your back and drinking a Dr. Pepper? :)
I'm addicted to that, too, but hey.........let's get it in perspective. So far, the caffeine isn't working, I drink it anyway hoping. It worked great while on opiates, ha! Guess I just abused this body beyond immediate bounce back, not to mention I'm a lot older now.
Good hearing from you and ashka747, too!
Wow. It IS a great post!! Thank you all. I am never giving up until it's over. I've just got to figure a way to get my head to want what my heart wants. You've all been a great help and have shared inspiring words. I can't thank you all enough. Love!!
That was a great Post! Congrats on 83 days way to go :) You are doing great and giving back with this great post!
Thank you I am clean 82 days and was post like this that helped me when I was at my lowest Thanks again for sharing and giving support!
Sorry Ashka I didnt mean to Hijack your thread but I had to respond to such a great Post. There is alot of wisdom in it.
Thank you I am clean 82 days and was post like this that helped me when I was at my lowest Thanks again for sharing and giving support!
Sorry Ashka I didnt mean to Hijack your thread but I had to respond to such a great Post. There is alot of wisdom in it.
Hey girl,
I have read a lot of good comments here. Each of us will really do what works for us.....for me the pain remained.....the pain receptors were completely numb I think.....and it was taking so many opiates to "get the feeling" and get rid of my legit pain. I was having many physical symptoms and wreaking our finances by getting more and more.
I tapered to a point....and then just went CTurkey. For the sweats you can blow a fan on you or shower or wet cloth yourself, for chills, lay by a big hotpad, for sleep, benedryl helped me some, but I had already abused xanex and had none. Keep reading, posting, praying if you do, ask all of us if there is one thing in particular you are struggling with. I had 4 puke bowls under my bed and a direct line to the bathroom. There are a lot of good articles on line for opiate addicts.....natural amino acids we can take, melatonin (a natural hormone for sleep), on and on. Depending on how much your body is used to will affect how badly you feel during w/drawals to a certain extent.
I kept a little notebook deal by me; wrote how I was feeling each day; what got better and would look back and be grateful at least one of the w/d symptoms was abating. I found meditations to feed my mind; the" I need a pill" message is stronger than any other and whatever we choose to feed....obviously it grows! You have to starve it out; ask for help where you can; tell your "rx customers you know so well" NOT to give you anything.
It takes a lot of courage......"COURAGE IS FEAR THAT HAS SAID ITS PRAYERS" You are physical, emotional and spiritual. Feed your spirit and don't listen to your head. ADDICTS HEADS ALWAY LIE!!
"Just one won't hurt......just a half a one won't hurt" YES......IT WILL!!
I'm 83 days clean today....and I am just now not so angry that I can't take anything for pain besides aceteminophen or ibuprofen. My daughter says I was "vehement" sounding....still am sometimes. You MUST find someone who has worn these "same addiction shoes" to talk to. (How old is your child, by the way?) I had to tell myself I was not going to take a pill "even if my rearend fell off!" One minute at a time, then 5 or 10. The clock seems to drag in the beginning, cause I used it for "my permission" to take more opiates every hr on the hr by the end! Your brain is your worst enemy.......other addicts are your lifeline to FREEDOM.
Love, prayers and all the encouragement you can feel from Kansas, girl!
P.S. Good thing I didn't work in a pharmacy......I would be in jail as demanding as my physical addiction had gotten.
Please don't say when you read our posts "well, I'm not so bad, I didn't or don't take THAT many! Your bottom is wherever you want it to be. It will rise up and meet you. Lastly, here's a quote (I love em) that has helped me immensely thru a lot of things, "I pray that I may learn from the mistakes of others as I will not live long enough to make them all myself"
Bye for now!
I have read a lot of good comments here. Each of us will really do what works for us.....for me the pain remained.....the pain receptors were completely numb I think.....and it was taking so many opiates to "get the feeling" and get rid of my legit pain. I was having many physical symptoms and wreaking our finances by getting more and more.
I tapered to a point....and then just went CTurkey. For the sweats you can blow a fan on you or shower or wet cloth yourself, for chills, lay by a big hotpad, for sleep, benedryl helped me some, but I had already abused xanex and had none. Keep reading, posting, praying if you do, ask all of us if there is one thing in particular you are struggling with. I had 4 puke bowls under my bed and a direct line to the bathroom. There are a lot of good articles on line for opiate addicts.....natural amino acids we can take, melatonin (a natural hormone for sleep), on and on. Depending on how much your body is used to will affect how badly you feel during w/drawals to a certain extent.
I kept a little notebook deal by me; wrote how I was feeling each day; what got better and would look back and be grateful at least one of the w/d symptoms was abating. I found meditations to feed my mind; the" I need a pill" message is stronger than any other and whatever we choose to feed....obviously it grows! You have to starve it out; ask for help where you can; tell your "rx customers you know so well" NOT to give you anything.
It takes a lot of courage......"COURAGE IS FEAR THAT HAS SAID ITS PRAYERS" You are physical, emotional and spiritual. Feed your spirit and don't listen to your head. ADDICTS HEADS ALWAY LIE!!
"Just one won't hurt......just a half a one won't hurt" YES......IT WILL!!
I'm 83 days clean today....and I am just now not so angry that I can't take anything for pain besides aceteminophen or ibuprofen. My daughter says I was "vehement" sounding....still am sometimes. You MUST find someone who has worn these "same addiction shoes" to talk to. (How old is your child, by the way?) I had to tell myself I was not going to take a pill "even if my rearend fell off!" One minute at a time, then 5 or 10. The clock seems to drag in the beginning, cause I used it for "my permission" to take more opiates every hr on the hr by the end! Your brain is your worst enemy.......other addicts are your lifeline to FREEDOM.
Love, prayers and all the encouragement you can feel from Kansas, girl!
P.S. Good thing I didn't work in a pharmacy......I would be in jail as demanding as my physical addiction had gotten.
Please don't say when you read our posts "well, I'm not so bad, I didn't or don't take THAT many! Your bottom is wherever you want it to be. It will rise up and meet you. Lastly, here's a quote (I love em) that has helped me immensely thru a lot of things, "I pray that I may learn from the mistakes of others as I will not live long enough to make them all myself"
Bye for now!
I wouldnt say that at all. I am sure you want it .
You can do it just dont give up keep trying and trying learn from your relapse push yourself to get farther next time and maybe you relapse again but each time push push and maybe you will just do it. I know you want this if you didnt you would not be trying . Maybe you could look into one on one counseling and try and start once you start doing this and it will help you. See an addiction therapist and maybe they can give you help mentally to get over the issues that cause you the most stress.
Dont Give up and dont ever think you arent deserving .
You Know you have to quit like you have said You get them at work what would happen if they found out? and I Know you dont want that. So just keep trying take baby steps all those babysteps will make a difference.
You can do it just dont give up keep trying and trying learn from your relapse push yourself to get farther next time and maybe you relapse again but each time push push and maybe you will just do it. I know you want this if you didnt you would not be trying . Maybe you could look into one on one counseling and try and start once you start doing this and it will help you. See an addiction therapist and maybe they can give you help mentally to get over the issues that cause you the most stress.
Dont Give up and dont ever think you arent deserving .
You Know you have to quit like you have said You get them at work what would happen if they found out? and I Know you dont want that. So just keep trying take baby steps all those babysteps will make a difference.
Hey Ashka, don't be so hard on yourself! Most everyone here who's deep into recovery tried and relapsed a few times. It's considered a normal part of recovery. I think you would really benefit from having at least one experienced, "real", person in an aftercare role. This board is amazing, but you can't beat hearing the same concepts in 3D.
There is a difference between HIPPA regs and doctor/patient privilege. You would want confirmation of this from a therapist, but my understanding is that they can't reveal anything you talk about to anyone absent an imminent physical threat to yourself or someone else, or a court order.
I've heard it said here that there are three pillars to recovery: 1) Aftercare 2) Coming clean 3) Cutting off all sources. It's obviously a lot more complex than that, and of course that's just one way of looking at things. But regardless of your own opinion on the best formula, you're trying to do this without having any of these generally recognized important things in place. I totally get that you can't help #3 - that's a tough situation. But maybe you can find a way to do 1 & 2 and deal with 3 as part of your recovery. Also, please note that "willpower" is not listed at all.
I hope you stay positive and keep posting!
There is a difference between HIPPA regs and doctor/patient privilege. You would want confirmation of this from a therapist, but my understanding is that they can't reveal anything you talk about to anyone absent an imminent physical threat to yourself or someone else, or a court order.
I've heard it said here that there are three pillars to recovery: 1) Aftercare 2) Coming clean 3) Cutting off all sources. It's obviously a lot more complex than that, and of course that's just one way of looking at things. But regardless of your own opinion on the best formula, you're trying to do this without having any of these generally recognized important things in place. I totally get that you can't help #3 - that's a tough situation. But maybe you can find a way to do 1 & 2 and deal with 3 as part of your recovery. Also, please note that "willpower" is not listed at all.
I hope you stay positive and keep posting!
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Tons of great comments....
Yes when you're new cut off all supplies..when I was detoxing I was feeling anxious as well,,,,I said to myself...." Cmon try the sober way,....if it suxs then my misery will gladly be refunded"
So I started saying,,,"just for today" I want to be clean.....kept it simple...
As you stay clean,,,you will come to realize and love yourself to the point where the idea of setting a match to your life and torching it is out of the question,,,
But our logical minds have little defense against the power and stealth of the drugs,,,we seem to only remember how good we felt,,all warm and fuzzy,,,,
Play the using tape in your head all the way through,,,,,,
Mine goes::: Using... then .....guilt....counting pills...cutting pills in half...budgeting pills....countdown till refill,,,,anxiety when running low......panic when down to last one....self loathing...alienation from family/friends,,,,putting everything second to the drugs...nto eating...cancelling plans because im out of pills,......hating my life and what I represent.....etc......
your tape will of course be different,,,,
rooting for ya
Free~