Addicted medical professional

[ashka747]

I've been on this site awhile now, lurking and trying to taper.  I'm down to 30mg of hydros a day, but I take pieces often because I can't seem to make it more than 3 hours.  I've tried CT before, only to cave after about a week because of anxiety issues, which I currently take Zoloft for and a low dose Xanax, as needed.  I don't take Xanax during the day because it makes me sleepy.  I only use it in emergencies, which isn't often because the Zoloft keeps attacks at bay............until I try to get off the hydros.

I'm 35 years old and became addicted about 2 years ago.  They were prescribed, at first, but then I started buying them from a friend.  The friend has since moved away, so my supply is cut, you would think.  In actuality, it's not cut because the kicker is that I'm in the pharmacy business.  I have never stolen pills from my job in the 10 years I've been there, but I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind since my supply is gone.  Yes.  I know I could go to jail.  I know I could lose my license.  I know I could lose my child.  I know I could lose EVERYTHING, but the addict in me may be stupid enough to chance that.

So, here's the deal.  I'm going to try this CT thing again starting tomorrow.  I have plenty left for a taper, but as I said, the taper is just not working.  I have 6 days off and my child will be in school until Friday, so I will be alone most of the day until the weekend.  I have supplies, but it's my mind I'm worried bout.  I'm scared of the darkside that always ***** me back in.  

My questions for you all are: Almost every post talks about "cutting off your supply".  What if you can't?  Even if I don't swipe some here and there from my job, I know plenty of people whom I can buy them from, BECAUSE of my job.  I know what everyone in this town takes.  It's very easy to gain access.  Also, what about aftercare?  Because of my career and what it entails, even if there were meetings/therapists, I couldn't go.  I'd lose my license/salary/education and I have worked too hard for them.  It's all I know how to do.  Plus, I have a child to support.  I imagine it's much like an alcoholic working in a liquor store, except I've spent nearly 6 figures on my education.  I can't give it up!  How do alcoholics get sober when they have access to alcohol?

I'm open to any suggestions.  I am flushing my stash tonight after work.  I can get through the physical stuff.  I have before.  Now, if I can only work on my head.  Please give me advice.  Again, I know I could lose everything if I steal from work, so you don't have to remind me, but there's other outlets for me to get what I want, if I wanted.  

I've really gotten myself in a pickle........... :(

[ashka747]

I'm off until Monday, but I was hoping to do it during the week as I'll have my kid alone this weekend. I have easy access because of my job, knowing who takes what and knowing who to call to get some from. I made it 24 hours and then the cravings and burning in my shoulders caused me to give up. It didn't take much really. I fought it all day. Does that mean I don't want it bad enough??

[conhall]

Hi Ashka
I am sad to see you feel you are undeserving this is not true at all. How long were you able to not take a pill for? What do you mean access is to easy Do You have pills in your house? Are you home from work for the next how many days?
What made you relapse what was the biggest symptom that just was the most unbearable?

[smiles4eva]

It breaks my heart to read you think you are undeserving to be here.  I for one will always support and encourage somebody who is trying.  I have been battling this since May.  Each time I learn something new and eventually I will get it.  So will you.  Keep trying and stick around.

[ashka747]

Congrats to you. I would kill for 8 days.

[kme17]

I know how you feel. I have the best insurance out there but cannot use it for this problem. The hippa laws don't apply to me. So I see a therapist and its so hard to not scream in her face I am addict to pills! Good luck to you. I like u am realizing my problem is bigger them me and its to hard to hide soon. So before we lose it all and maybe even use that as the excuse to use more we will fix it before then. Atleast our career is something to stay clean for. As well as our kids. Good luck I am on day 3 and pushing thru. This place is the only reason I am here and hoe I made it to day 8 in the past.

[ashka747]

I'm embarrassed to say that I failed.  I feel hopeless and undeserving to be here.  I disappointed myself and all who replied to my call for help.  I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do at this point.  Access is just too easy.  Thank you, again, for everything.