not really sure this is a question

[stonedmom]

Hi everyone not sure how to really work this site since i hardly ever go on the computer and you may assume i am not very computer savy. Anyway I am a 35 year old mother of 2 great kids they are 14 and 9. Through out my life  the only kind of drug i did was i smoked pot maybe 5 times and that was in my teens. Drinking never has been fun either cause i would be so sick the next day i couldn't function so i rarely ever have drank.  I was the kind of person whom hated every thing about drugs, i could never understand why or how people would do them and allow theirselves to become addicted to them. So with that said let me explain my journey into opiate hell!!!  About 10 months ago i got laid off of work. During this time we were living with my parents. My mother is disabled and i was helping my father take care of her. So as u might be assuming she had a endless supply of oxycodone and oxycontin! Anyway i was beginning to have problems sleeping,due to stress i suppose. Well one of my favoite things to do is sleep, because its my way to escape everything just to sleep any problems away. So one nite after days of no sleep i decided to pop one of my mothers oxycodones 5mg and it knocked me out. Now keep in mind i love to sleep. So needless to say my use of them became a ritual and my use of them at nite became use during the day also. So from october of 2009 to jan. or feb. of 2010 i went from one 5mg a day to 6 5mgs aday. What was so weird was i never really seemed to feel much of a high or euphoria that it says u are to feel more sedation feelings for me maybe i was high but didn't know it lol. Well in Jan 2010 i realized i had become addicted to them and wanted to stop so i did cold turkey!!! It was horrible chills, jimmy legs, insomnia, and the not be able to sit still thing was the worst. It took about 7 to 14 days till i was back to normal. So i swore i would never take ant kind of pain killers ever again. I guess i thought because it was a pill it really wasn't drugs or some how made it ok, but we all know its the same as herion!!! So i started having sleeping problems again and stress somewhere around april 2010 so what did i do i went and popped a oxycondone not sure what the dose was but it snowballed out of control once again!!! So since april i was taking 15mg three times a day some times a fourth one if i really wanted to be sedated! Then my mom was no longer getting any oxycodone because she never really took it anyway she was suppose to take it for break thru pain. So there went my supply so ofcourse  by this time im addicted again and i dont want to go thru withdrawl yet. I started taking her oxycontin but didn't enjoy it im assuming cause it is time released and i wanted to feel sedated and it didnt do that for me. I found a old out dated perscription of hers in a bag in the closet 10mgs oxycontin went thru that bottle taking it twice a day like it said then began researching how to bypass the extended realease on the pills so i could feel the sedation i wanted so i would take it twice a day like normal u know just swallowing them but at nite i would crush a extra one and swallow that to. Then all those run out and now im going into my moms meds she needs daily  to manage her pain but i realize i cant do this because she will run out  to fast if we both are using them, plus at this point im only taking them to not get sick with withdrawl so i decided to stop cold turkey again i'm in day 3 and let me tell u that this time it was much worse then the first time i quit much worse..... day one was severe sweating and chills plus insomnia,and jimmy legs, day two not as much sweating but still chills plus insomnia,jimmy legs, diarreha, and alot of anxiety! Day three no more sweats few chills, no diarreha, still have insomnia,and jimmy legs are getting a little better. Also had a headache thru it all and horrible anxiety!! I still feel crapy and i am wondering how long this withdrawl will last? Is it gonna last longer then the first time? I really have no pain at all thru the withdrawl just wondering if thats because i relly never have taken a huge amount during my using? Will i get pain later should i expect it? I  hear so many different things from different people not sure what to believe, I hope i never start using them again. So much missery to go thru just because i wanted to sleep thru my stress and problems. I feel like such a bad person having to have done this to myself, but i did it and only i can stop it so wish me luck and please any feed back would be appreciated....... Thanks all!!!

[stonedmom]

Also saying things just to be said are not always the best either!!!! I have always been a honest woman. My oxy use is one of my only secrets and i shall take it to the grave. Sorry but I would rather carry all responsablity and effects of this secret. I do have courage....if i didn't i wouldn't of quit cold turkey! As far as her having to lock up her pills no need! Have no urges to use anymore just never wanted the withdrawal. I could of kicked myself for ever starting again the second time! I have found an alterative to the pills for the purpose i turned to them in the first place. So i'm very confident that i will stay clean and hopefully and thankful. Thanks for your opinion though.

[Beccabeccalynn]

Keeping secrets makes us sick I think if you find the courage to tell her two good things would happen 1. It wouldn't ride your consience anymore, our addiction loves lies and encourages us to tell and keep them. 2. She would then know that there is a problem and could lock up her pills so the temptation wouldn't be there, there by helping you when your triggered. Removing the source of our supply is one of the first things we do in recovery. It's something to think about and I promise it's the gods honest truth. Becca

[stonedmom]

I never would take what she used daily for her pain regaiment see she had alot of extra stuff the oxycodone that she was to take for break thru pain but she never took it, that is where i would get my supply from. Then her pain management doc stop persribing them to her cause she was not using it anyway. Then thats when i found i old out dated bottle of oxycontin that she never used in a bag in the closet. When that ran out that is when i began to dip in daily supply just for about a week i took maybe 20 pills from her daily supply then i said once it would run out i would stop and go cold turkey. See i have been wanting to stop because i hated depending on the pills but also because i didn't want my mom to get any any trouble with her doctors or have to sruggle with withdrawals. She is not an abuser of the drug she takes only what is perscibed and nothing more.So belive me i thought about it prior to dipping in to her supply but at the time going thru the withdrawals at the time was not an option because we wer going on a family trip, so anyway as u can see by all this explaining im trying to do is just me trying to justify my horrible behavior and disconcern for my mothers well being. I deal with it every day the fact i stole from here, because we are very close and she trust me completly. The guilt does way on my mind but that is the past and i will never visit that place again. I know if she knew she would forgive me but to ashamed to tell her, so i just have to forgive myself for her for i would never want her to know!!!!!!

[mellie4]

I think a lot of people use sleep as an escape.  But how did you manage to take your mom's pills without her running out?  I'd be worried about her going into withdrawal.

Good luck with staying away from them.  I think you probably need some sort of support system to help deal with your stress.  And if you need help with sleep, have you tried other things:  relaxation, meditation, melatonin or other natural sleep aids?  Sometimes a short course of Ambien where you take it 3 nights in a row to get your normal sleep pattern back on track and then you would only use it rarely.  I've used it for 10 years now for sleep but I am so cautious with it.  I know some people to get addicted to it, so that is a concern, though for me, I never did.

I hope you'll find yourself a counselor and make an appointment with your doctor regarding the sleep issues.  It may help you stay away from the other meds.

[Beccabeccalynn]

Thanks for sharing your story I think it is like many peoples story on here. I never in a million years thought I could be an addict I thought addicts were black men in abandonded wherehouses with a belt wrapped around there arm and a needle sticking out I had no clue that I could be an addict. Well guess what here I am.
Becca