Completely consumed by codeine

[miranda21]

Like everyone else on this forum, I too am addicted to codeine. I am a 28 year old college student who works two jobs and goes to school. I used to be very fit and active, but about 8 years ago I started having severe pains in my knees. I went to the doctor, and he suggested a laporscopic surgery on each knee to go in and burn out the bands that had formed that were causing the pain. He put me in codeine, and immediately,  I was hooked. Now I'm taking anywhere from 5 to 20 10mg tablets a day, depending on how many i can get my hands on. I wound up having two surgeries, first my right then my left. Because of my addiction, I actually played up some pain that I was still having in my right knee and convinced my doctor to do surgery again, simply because I wasnt ready to get off the pain meds. Well that was 2 years ago, and I'm still living with this addiction every stinkin day. It's affected my work, school, family, and my morals. I actually wound up breaking into a friends home and taking their meds because I was in withdrawl. I've never experienced anything so captivating in my entire life. It literally controls every move I make. I've spent more money than I can afford, borrowed money I cant pay back, and done things I'm not proud of, just to get my fix. Before this addiction, my moral compass was very strong. I've tried getting clean several times and have succeeded, but I always convince myself that I need them, deserve them, or can handle using them recreationally just one more time. I'm at the end of my rope. I dont want to continue to fight this battle for the rest of my life. I was put on Suboxone a few times to help deal with the withdrawl, but I no longer have insurance and cannot afford the visit, let alone the pills, which are $9 dollars apiece without insurance. I'm currently in the process of trying to taper myself off, with the help of the occasional xanax for anxiety and sleeping pills for rest. The main problem is that I love the medication so much, I wind up taking a dosage that will get me high, simply because I love the feeling so much. The hardest part is that although I know that in order to be successful and the best person that I can be, I have to stop. I just don't want to. I'm starting to think that the only way i'll ever overcome this is with inpatient therapy, but that will cost my both my jobs, my home, i'll have to put my education on hold, and most importantly, they'll be nowhere for my daughter to go. I'm encouraged by all the different vitamins available that help with the withdrawl symptoms, but a huge part of me knows it's all in my head. I just keep wondering if this is going to kill me or land me in prison, or both. It all just seems so hopeless. I'm glad I found this forum because although I've been to NA meetings, it's nice to know that there are so many other people out there who are suffering through this with me. Good luck everyone, and be careful.

[miranda21]

Thank you very much for the advice. I will most certainly check it out! I used to receive medical insurance through the state because my daughter receives medical insurance that way, but the program that the state has comes with a time limit ( i believe it's a year), and after that, you're on your own. When I had the surgeries and the addiction started, I had an amazing job with outstanding insurance, but I am no longer with that company. I work two part time jobs (one is 30 hours a week and one is just weekends), but neither offer insurance for part time employees. I never realized how lucky I was to have insurance until I could no longer get it (go figure, right?). I'm to the point now where I've considered leaving a job that I love and quitting school (I'm only a year away from my Bachelors) to find a job where I can get insurance. If anyone else is aware of any programs (inpatient, insurance, therapy) that are offered in Texas that I might benefit from, I would be forever grateful. Thanks.

[maria920]

If u go to the suboxone websites there is one out there where u can get the subs free for 1 year. Im not able to use tht program bc i have insurance but its not tht expensive for me. Try tht out. I would google suboxone or free suboxone and it will come up. All u would have to pay for is the dr visit. Also do u guys try state aid? Medical assistance?  I kno in pa if ur a single mother or in need of medical help i think u can get some type of help. I kno every state is different but its worth a shot! Please let me kno if u look into the free suboxone program.... good luck to u!!!

[miranda21]

Ben, yes I have been clean before, gone to meetings and taken Suboxone, but with my lack of insurance, I can no longer afford the Subs. My last attempt at getting clean lasted almost 2 months. I scraped together enough money to pay full price for the doctor visits (90 bucks every two weeks) as well as full price for the subs ( roughly 9 dollars a pill). It was just as if not more expensive than the codeine. My doctor wanted me to stay on the subs for 6 months, as she said that it takes about that long for someone with my history of abuse to build their seratonin levels back up. However, I just couldnt afford it. Now my spouse has been laid off, and I'm working 7 days a week trying to keep our heads above water. I've tried tapering and even quitting cold turkey, but with school, work, and a child, there is no time. I'm just not sure where to go from here, and I know all I'm doing is digging a huge hole for myself. I know that I'm better than this, but I've never had so much trouble overcoming something in my entire life. Not to mention, I have a genuine love affair with this drug. Its indescribable, and I feel like the only people who understand are addicts. Anyhow, any advice would be appreciated, as well as support. And I feel ya, basketcase. Sounds like the majority of us are in the same boat. I'm always here if you need to talk. :)

[basketcase42159]

And just so you know, my doc was vicodin....I was taking 10mg/600 and at least 15-18 a day just to get moving in the day...now cold turkey and taking Tramadol (as little as possible as I hate how they make me feel) just to stop the vomiting and the bathroom running.  I wish I could afford the sub stuff too, sounds good for this, but I cannot also,.....so maybe we can help each other.

[basketcase42159]

Hello there....I can relate to your story.  I just got on this one yesterday and I am quitting under duress as I got busted yesterday by the State as filling too many presc.  I am scared and feel like crap.  I too love the feeling on them.  Never got a high feeling, just acted like speed and I was superwoman.  Please feel free to go on my threads, see if any of it helps you.  I have been where you are...I hope we can help each other as I too have no insurance, and am wondering if I finally did something that will make me loose people I love or have the law come down on me.