Numb To Overdrive

[gizzy32]

I think most of us here were numb during our use and covered in this thick haze. During stressful times i would use so much cocaine, to the point of getting so sick that's all i had to worry about as long as i didn't have to feel. As we get clean and that fog lifts and we start feeling again it can be a big adjustment and very difficult. I have went from being numb to feeling too much and i still don't always cope well with stress. I know it's something i have to work on still and was wondering how you guys noticed a change in yourself since getting clean and the emotions that start to come back? Were you really numb on pills the whole time? Have you been clean long enough for that fog to lift and have all these new feelings come back?

[heather_r]

These were nice posts to hear how nice it is to be out of the fog and feeling better and how many things in life are better experienced without drugs.

[gizzy32]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! Nice posts Newmanagement and Jacqui, that's exactly what i mean. I don't think we go completely numb, but i always said the world has a different colour when your high on drugs, just gray i guess.

[Jacqui805]

The biggest difference between being ON drugs and OFF, is that force that drives your will to live...I'm not just talking about actually living, as in alive vs. dead...I'm talking about experiencing, living....having a life, caring about things, anything.  I think that when you're on drugs, you not only don't sweat the small stuff, you don't sweat ANY stuff.  Nothing is worth any effort b/c you see things in a very complacent way...like there's simply no need to DO anything.  The pills are really a prison that we self-impose on us.  We take them because they free our mind...they free our mind of pain and angst, but they also free our minds of concern for ourselves and others, or about anything at all, they free our minds of worrying about paying bills or cooking meals for our children...they free our minds of guilt and responsibility so that everything's just FINE the way it is with you being sucked into your couch.  They're like a damned brain-sucker.

Yeah, I obviously was not a completely blank slate with NO feelings when I was on Fentanyl, but I was FAR from who I am now.  Alot of people here know the hard time I'm having regarding my father's death back in 2005, when I had been on Fentanyl for quite some time already.  Sure I was sad, sure I was devastated....and I THOUGHT at the time that I was being my normal self about the whole thing...that's just it, you don't realize what a fog you've been in until you're out of it.  I have bawled my eyes out on a regular and consistent basis since being off that damned med.  I lose it all the time over my Dad...for me, it feels like he JUST died.....it's fresh for me and it is overwhelming at times.  

On a positive note, there is NOTHING like the belly laughs I have now, being off F.  I thought I was normal before, lol, but now I get to snortin' I'm laughing so hard....he!!, food tastes better...EVERYTHING's better OFF...everything.

[heather_r]

It is hard sometimes to be back in reality and deal with everything clearly. I did not loose all emotions just helped not to worry so much about things and kept my energy high. I lived in happy land and thought it made me a better mom, and spouse. It can be hard to feel completely but most of the time it is nice not to be in a fog.

[worried878]

only took me a couple of weeks before i started feeling all those vent up feelings...was a bit scary to be honest...also figured out what my triggers were duering that time as they were staring me in the face

[newmanagment]

G, i wuz thinkn bout alot of my years using yesteday on a long drive i had. as you know, for me addiction wuz a way of life since i wuz 13. I lived mosta my life in that thick fog, unable to see any light at all. as i thought back on the last 6 of those years, the times I wuz using seems like a bad dream. there wuz no fun, no socializing, just me and the cocaine running around in a vicous circle. I love the fact im clean, it feels wonderfull to live life now, even the stressfull times. I am more receptive to others now, and a lil more sensitive to others problems as well. i think hard core addiction when beat leads to a more knowing life, and that makes us more sensitive and caring.... and why wouldnt it?
we have come along way, and experienced things others havent, so we are more aware of how precious life is!
great post bro, much love.....

[CYMER]

Got it right that time….I hear ya. I could look at a guys guts spilling out and take care of business, now it’s probably panic and screw it up. TheEagle has been a big help to me in trying other methods of getting myself back in the game…pain wise and emotionally.

AAO – Bar None

[flmagi]

I was on Vics & Percs for about 4 1/2 yrs. I'd say the first 2-3 yrs. were the "good" years. I still had the good emotions, I was real happy on the pills, more loving, more sexual etc. But then they started to turn on me, like they do most people. I could still laugh, but not like before, not really, really laughing. All emotions eventually became dull.
So it takes time for the drugs to turn on you,  I guess, depending on how much your doing etc. And this is the reason we end up taking more and more, chasing the feeling we got early in our addiction.  It does eventually turn you into a zombie, whether you realize it or not.

[gizzy32]

That is how i am now, used to be hardcore, now i get too emotional at times. I think it can be harder for guys to cause we are not supposed to feel like that, i d k.

p.s. it's gizzy, not grizzy, lmao but i get that a lot, ha. Your doing great man:)

Bluespense. Are you trying to cut back at all or is the pain to much. You said you take way more percs than you are supposed to at times. Just be careful, happy you can still feel though:)

[CYMER]

Sometimes I just do no know how I feel. The fog for me has definitely lifted and as per the emotions some days I do not know which end is up. I do find myself much more irritable because of the constant pain whereas before the meds would at least dull it and put me in a better place mentally.  For some strange reason I’m very sensitive now…Not that I would let anyone see it. I used to be so low drag and hardcore that now I find myself choked up over the silliest things…I’ve been trying to focus and engage in the problems one at a time as they come...emotions beware.

[bluespence]

oh and I am in grad school getting straight A's, working full-time and being a mom full-time so my mind is clear enough to do all of this...again, I know this is not the norm!!

[bluespence]

I have always wondered what everyone was talking about when they said they had no emotions while using...I have been on pain meds for 2 years (percocet 10/325 and avinza 60 mg) I take way more percs than I am supposed to but I have not noticed my emotions being gone. I still cry at sad movies and I still have feelings of happiness, sadness, anger etc. Sometimes I feel like I am in a fog, but my emotions are still there. I even enjoy sex (in fact more now than ever)...so maybe that is why I still use because I don't suffer from some of the side effects that others talk about. But that is just me!!