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Day 5 Since I decided to quit - Percs, Oxy"s, Methadone
Does it really get better or do you just get used to feeling like this? I am so sad today, almost doesn't seem worth it. I know deep down in my heart it is and this is something I have to do or it is going to kill me. But God is it hard. It is so embarrassing and humiliating. Knowing you've hit bottom and that its all over is kinda sad! But I want my life back, I want the person I was before back, I may never see her again, but God knows it will be an improvement to what it is now. The things you do, the things you say, the people you use and hurt! How do you all deal with the shame and remorse. How did this happen? I guess you just have to let it all go and start over, but where do you start?
Best Answer
It happened to you exactly the same way it happened to all of us! None of us set a goal to become addicted to a drug, allow it to control our behavior and make us into dishonest, self-hating individuals! So much more reason for you to be so proud of yourself for your success so far! You are already someone else's hero, someone who is just now summoning up the courage to even think about quitting. It does get better, I promise as do all of the other wonderful souls here with much more clean time than me. Just hold on
i am happy to report that he has taken the 2nd biggest step in seeking treatment, we actually went to a facility and they said to call and it could take 24-48hrs to get a call back just to get him in but i know of a different option that he has agreed with so that leaves no time to relapse. we're trying to go about this the best way possible, arguments and all, i know he wants help more than ever, after this past weekend all he's done is apologize, i know he feels remorse for the things he's done and put me thru, and i'm sticking with him to see this thru as long as he wants it. i 've already made that clear to him that i cant care for the both of us that he has to care to want it as well bc i cant go for him and make it all better he has to, and i've been telling him how proud i am of him for taking these 2 big steps, no matter how far apart they've been its still progress, we're starting off slow but we will def reach the finish line. ive got total faith in him. <3
no problem, but everyone is only human and we all have our faults, some are just harder to deal with and to let go than others. i used to be a cutter, that was my thing, then 3yrs ago i walked away from it, it was a total struggle bc everytime i got upset i wanted to do it but then i found out i was pregnant and my little girl saved me, literally she is an angel, my dr told me she is was surprised that i even had her. So things happen to everyone, in different ways, doesnt make you a bad person, just makes you a person, what makes you bad or good is in your way how you decide to handle it. congrats again and dont be so hard on yourself!
Thanks, it is so great to hear others think like me. I actually thought I was crazy and that I was losing my mind. And lucky for me I can pay a lot on line. Just have to worry about all my stuff in pawn have to get there today or I lose it. Just can't go out alone. Waiting for the hubby to get off work.
Okay somehow I ended up in 2010 but it really helped. Thanks for that. I really needed to hear that I am not crazy and not the only one who after what I have just gone through would ever even think about wanting more. But I do....all the time. It is terrible. I think I have been through the worst. Just wish I was a lot more proactive. Didn't even look for information till day 3 when I thought I was going to die. So I didn't have any help, didn't eat, didn't even drink, nothing so of course I got dehydrated and so on....but since finding you people I have learned so much and feel so much better.
Thanks so much.
Thanks so much.
Payday...always a trigger day! Buying pills was as much a part of paying bills, but the pills always took precedance to the essentials. Then next thing you know, you are back on the crazy merry go coaster again. Pay the bills and go grocery shopping first. Change your habits and routines. :)
Thanks again, you are awesome! I know in my heart that I can't go back, but my damn head. Today was ****** same old crap and all I want to do is use. It's amazing the excuses you can come up with or the way you sit for hours talking yourself into why it would be okay just one more time.... God I hope this gets easier.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. Today was hard. Things didn't go well at home at all. Ended up fighting and yelling and screaming. So not only am I withdrawing, feeling like **** and am very sad, today is payday! And everyone knows what that means. I was supposed to go out and pay some bills and get groceries but can't find the car keys....God's plan I am sure, cause I don't think I can trust myself...
Again thanks for your help.
Again thanks for your help.
Hi Living!
You've got great support posting here. Rather than me saying it all again, .... click my name and read my my first posts when I came stragling in a month ago. It truely does get better.
You've got great support posting here. Rather than me saying it all again, .... click my name and read my my first posts when I came stragling in a month ago. It truely does get better.
I think about using every single day. BUT I think about how messed up everything was while I was doing it.
I would drive 50 miles every two days just to get my drugs. I was spending almost $800 a week. That was for 6 months. It literally controlled my life. I got tired of it really quick. And the withdrawls were horrible but I had my husband to help me, If it wasnt for him and my kids as motivation I would not be where I am today. I know that I dont have to worry about if Im going to go thru w/d's today. One night I literally cried for like an hour because I wasnt going to have the money in time for the weekend. I realized then that enough was enough.
You will be ok...Give it time. Each day gets easier.
I would drive 50 miles every two days just to get my drugs. I was spending almost $800 a week. That was for 6 months. It literally controlled my life. I got tired of it really quick. And the withdrawls were horrible but I had my husband to help me, If it wasnt for him and my kids as motivation I would not be where I am today. I know that I dont have to worry about if Im going to go thru w/d's today. One night I literally cried for like an hour because I wasnt going to have the money in time for the weekend. I realized then that enough was enough.
You will be ok...Give it time. Each day gets easier.
yoooo...."livingtoday" i am SOO WITH U...im on day 3 myself and i feel like ******* dying..in pain all over my body, depressed like all hell, and sad like never b4!! but im actually one who has been thru this b4, and like a complete addict..which i completely n honestly admit, i started using again bc of the pain in my back! so yea it does get better...u will miss the high for the time while ur witdrwing, but after the pain ends..u willl feel so much better n jus like ur old self!! trust me, ive been there...WE ALL HAVE!!!! but ur on day 5 or so..im only on day 3, n i feel like **** too(im literallly sweating n aching n shaking my legs uncontrollably right now).. n i know i still have hell to look forward to for the next few days, but U R ALMOST OUT OF THE WOODS MY FRIEND!! so hang on, hang in there..its almost over for ur wd!
How did you forgive yourself? I can take ownership for what I have done. I can apologize, honestly & sincerely, for my mistakes and I will even be willing to accept when others don't forgive me, but I have done some pretty nasty things! How do you let that go?
Thank you, you are absolutely right. I have always done that. Even in counseling I can get them to start talking and totally take the focus off me....then I have to pay them. How funny is that! It is just so hard to admit where I have gotten to.
Thank you! All you guys are great and I really need you! How do u manage with 4 children!!!!!!! Wow! Does the little devil ever go away or is this a life long thing? It's been two months for you, do you still think about doing it? Do u want to?
Thanks, I don't have a plan but I will have one! I am going to talk to the doctor! He has to know so it all stops. Its my stupid thinking that gets me into trouble! I just need enough to get me through till I get my prescription, then I will take it properly! Ya right like that ever works! I hate spending money on it as well. When I think of the cost, OMG it makes me sick. Then I think what I could have done with that money.....well I can't change the past! Thanks for your help. I really do appreciate it!
As for the people you hurt...Thats the thing with addiction, is that it effects everyone around us and we dont realize it because were high all the time.
But with that you have to be willing to say "Im sorry" for anything and everything you did wrong. To everyone you feel you hurt but most importantly to yourself. You have to be wiling to say "You know what I made some mistakes and Im human". We all make them, but what matters the most is how you learn from them. And make it a point not to make them again. I feel like I messed up really bad during my lost time, but I have apologized and I have forgiven myself. And you have to do the same. You have to talk to someone about how your feeling, keeping it bottled up inside isnt going to get you anywhere but back to square one. I wish you the best.
But with that you have to be willing to say "Im sorry" for anything and everything you did wrong. To everyone you feel you hurt but most importantly to yourself. You have to be wiling to say "You know what I made some mistakes and Im human". We all make them, but what matters the most is how you learn from them. And make it a point not to make them again. I feel like I messed up really bad during my lost time, but I have apologized and I have forgiven myself. And you have to do the same. You have to talk to someone about how your feeling, keeping it bottled up inside isnt going to get you anywhere but back to square one. I wish you the best.
Addiction doesn't discriminate. MANY people who are addicts are highly respected members of society with good jobs, families, a nice house...you name it. An addict isn't someone homeless on the street.
For whatever reason, you find yourself here, among others from all walks of life. You have to try to morph from the role of the therapist to the role of the patient. That's not easy to do, but sometimes, our own knowledge can't help us.
Easier said than done, but try not to over think everything. Make a plan and try to stick to it. Your next big hurdle is the doctor...you can do it. In the meantime, start searching out meetings, get yourself into therapy, so you can try to figure out WHY you are here...and start doing what it takes to change that addict mindset. Leave your credentials at the door, and let others help you.
As a nurse, it's hard to be the patient sometimes, but we get much more out of it if we leave our own knowledge out of it, as best we can. It doesn't always help us and many times, it actually hurts. So, try to do the same thing.
Being an addict doesn't mean you're a bad person...and all of the things you listed, about your life, your career, your family...all still matter and they're all wonderful accomplisments to be celebrated. Just think, you're actually going to be able to offer people the "new and improved" you, which
is amazing.
Best of luck to you!
For whatever reason, you find yourself here, among others from all walks of life. You have to try to morph from the role of the therapist to the role of the patient. That's not easy to do, but sometimes, our own knowledge can't help us.
Easier said than done, but try not to over think everything. Make a plan and try to stick to it. Your next big hurdle is the doctor...you can do it. In the meantime, start searching out meetings, get yourself into therapy, so you can try to figure out WHY you are here...and start doing what it takes to change that addict mindset. Leave your credentials at the door, and let others help you.
As a nurse, it's hard to be the patient sometimes, but we get much more out of it if we leave our own knowledge out of it, as best we can. It doesn't always help us and many times, it actually hurts. So, try to do the same thing.
Being an addict doesn't mean you're a bad person...and all of the things you listed, about your life, your career, your family...all still matter and they're all wonderful accomplisments to be celebrated. Just think, you're actually going to be able to offer people the "new and improved" you, which
is amazing.
Best of luck to you!
We have ALL had days like that...And those are the days that make you want to fight for sobriety even more. I felt kinda sluggish this morning so I went outside and gave all 5 of my dogs a nice bath. It took about 2 hours but hey thats 2 hours that I didnt have drugs on my mind. It does get easier. Coming off of heroin was the hardest thing I have ever done, but my family gave me the motivation I needed. I knew if I continued living like that I was going to lose all of them. I have been married for 10 years and I have 4 beautiful children. I did not want to do to them what my mom did to me...Abandon them for drugs. YOu have to be strong and the biggest thing is top keep yourself busy. When you get bored it leaves time for that little devil to hop on your shoulder and talk you into doing things.
I promise you it will get better, but you have got to put in the work. You have to "want" to get better. No one can do this but you, trust me. I tried to get clean many times and failed each time except this one. I have almost two months clean. You have to hit rock bottom to see that you need to make changes.
Tomorrow is Day 6...A brand new day..You can do this. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings and we will all be here to help you keep going.
I promise you it will get better, but you have got to put in the work. You have to "want" to get better. No one can do this but you, trust me. I tried to get clean many times and failed each time except this one. I have almost two months clean. You have to hit rock bottom to see that you need to make changes.
Tomorrow is Day 6...A brand new day..You can do this. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings and we will all be here to help you keep going.
I will, I will come home before I go back to work. God I hope I am back to work by then.......
I will. This is such a "big secret". No one would believe it unless they have been through it. The only person in the world who knows is my husband and whoever he has told. My family, friends, co-workers would never believe. Maybe when I am a lot stronger it will be something I can start sharing with everyone and maybe I could help someone else who I would never believe would end up like this. Thanks again for your kindness.
Thank you! That's just what I am going to do! I truly am grateful for what I have. I am going to make a list!
I can't remember that last time I listened to music!!!!!!!!!! I would get high and watch T.V. Guess what I have been doing all week? Watching T.V. No wonder I am depressed!
Thank you! I am very new to this. Stumbled across it yesterday and I know for sure God has given me you people. I want to go to NA! I do I just have to get past my righteousness I guess. I used to run the groups at rehab. I live in a small town and have a well respected job and sit on committees. It`s just so shameful. I used to work at detox and take people to meetings. Help them clean up. My dad was a binge alcoholic and I used to clean up all his messes, my mother alcoholic and drug user. I was married to a drug addicted for 22 years. 5 years ago. almost six now, I decided to get away from all that!! Again the righteousness! So I left him to change my life and be better. Now look at me!!!!!!! Ironic eh! Just where they all were with a different little pill that costs a hundred times more! Thanks for your words and your kindness. Today is hard I just wanna get high. The self talk is crazy! Its been 5 days and I keep telling myself I should just do it one more time. Just today to feel better then I will quit for sure. Who does that? Let me say for the record I understand my parents far better and my ex!
Trust me when I say this, He wants to!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one wants this life, no one would chose to go through this time and time again. I read about all these people with 12, 18 and 22 days and think wow, will I ever make it. I want to with all my heart. I love my husband more than any thing in the world. My kids are the most important thing to me ever! I love my job and I have a great one, I make great money! So most would look at me, hell I look at me and how could this happen. Did you read my post? I don't get it, I can't figure it out. I have two diploma, a degree, have been a full-time professional for over 30 years and take care of a family! I have a 3 year old, and two teenagers. I am very well respected and sit on two board of directors...... I don't want this! I never did and I can assure your fiance doesn't either. But something happens, something is said, a bad feeling comes up you can't deal with a really long day of working and taking care of the family and one phone call and all your worries are gone and you have the energy to do anything! Then starts the circle of disaster! You've relapsed again and you may as well do it up! He doesn't want this. He does love you and when he's ready he will make the changes. I just hope for you its sooner than later. Take care of you!
I think the Percs are part of the problem, don't you? I hope you've got a plan going...a plan for speaking with the doctor, a plan for eliminating your sources, and a plan for sharing your secret...
Believe me, you will feel so much better than you do right now...it's early yet.
But you've GOT to eat properly. It makes a huge difference in how you look and feel...It helps to add some vitamins and minerals, too!
Believe me, you will feel so much better than you do right now...it's early yet.
But you've GOT to eat properly. It makes a huge difference in how you look and feel...It helps to add some vitamins and minerals, too!
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