my almost relapse experience

[tommm70]

I haven't been around this board in a long time, but something happened the other day that just reminded me of this site.
When I found this board, it was googling "Norco Withdrawal" It was 2007, and I had no idea that what addiction was, I was just looking for help getting through the physical withdrawals, and I would be fine. What I didn't realize is it was much more than that. I was talking more than prescribed, I was doctor shopping, I was piling up consequences, and beginning to deteriorate physically, mentally and spiritually.

Even when I was told addiction was a disease with no cure, and would require a lifetime of some sort of maintenance I did not want to believe it.
Long story short, I lost my job, my house, my wife, many friends, and tried to kill myself. Luckily I survived, and that that was the consequence needed to stop doing things my way, seek real help, and listen to others. I found my maintenance in AA, and stay sober by doing service work helping the next addict through the door, and working the 12 steps of recovery.
Today I have 6+ years, try and work a good program. I am human and make mistakes, but my days of beating myself up are done. I have a new job, a great girlfriend, a new home, I am living the promises for those that know the program.

But I still, still, still, after all this time get tempted by my disease. 2 weeks ago I had to have carpal tunnel surgery, and was honest with my doctor, and told her my addiction. I told my sponsor, my family, and had the pain medication for after surgery given to my girlfriend who would give them to me if I needed them. Here is the key. IF I needed them. This required honesty from myself, to myself in recognizing just how bad my pain was. Day 1 sucked, I took 1 pill 3 times that day, and I'm not gonna lie, the feeling was nice. lol. But I needed it for pain. Day 2 I woke up and the pain was 90% less, and I was able to just take Advil. my GF flushed the remaining pills for the fishes 2 days later, and I went on with my life.

Now here is the scare. I went to have my stitches removed the other day, and had a very small infection. The wound hurt, and after the Doctor took them out I asked about pain meds. I just asked, I didn't even realize what I was doing was asking for opiates. Wow. But luckily I have a program to turn to. my doctor said no way, take advil. I called my sponsor, he said no way, take advil, and they were right. The pain was almost nothing.

But 6 years later, and I STILL find myself tempted. This is exactly what people mean when they talk about it being a lifetime disease. I have to manage it, just like a diabetic manages diabetes. If I manage my recovery, life is normal and everything works out. Good times or bad times, it works out.

So I guess I am asking all of you who have come here looking for that relief from the physical withdrawals. Know that addiction is a disease, more or less defined by consequences (lying, stealing, missing work, isolation, etc.) tolerance (getting used to dose and needing more to feel it) and withdrawals. I'm not a doctor, but in rehab this was the definition given to me.

If I am harsh in any replies, I apologize, but I personally know just how deadly this can be. I don't ever want to see someone relapse because I was nice and telling people what they want to hear. Addicts lie, I know I sure did, and it's a symptom. We manipulate, tell people what they want to hear. It's a classic defect in us. It doesn't make anyone bad, but we do it, but we do it because we are sick, and not ourselves. We beat ourselves up, and have shame and guilt. I know when I lied here, the only person I was hurting was me. Once I got truly honest with myself first, everything else worked itself out.


Sorry if that was long winded, but I think it is important for people to see that sobriety is possible, but management is even more important, because this doesn't just go away. It gets easier to live with, but it will always be there.
Willpower can't fix this, if it were that easy, there would be no addicts. Whether it be AA, NA, church, self help groups, therapists, counselors, you don't have to do this alone. AA is called a "we" program because none of us can quit by ourselves.

[Junip]

What an awesome post, really hit home and I respect your honesty and sharing.I definitely thought I could stop the drug and be fine and fell on my face. I am a humble person by nature but when it came to addiction I had to accept a different kind of humility because I didn't think "people like me" were addicts...how wrong I was!  Thank you again for an amazing post and I am so happy that you found sobriety and are still here today to share your wisdom and your heart.

[Cricketk92]

WOW!  What an awesome post!  I could hear myself asking the Doc for more opiates too!!!  Its amazing how much alike we all are and our addict brains are relentless unless we do something to calm them down!!!  It is always so great to read posts like this!!!  Such a great reminder that it is a daily program that we have to work!!!  Thanks for sharing this...it was much needed today!!!

[gnarly_1]

Hey Tomm  great post....so many try to do this on there own and more often then not we see them back in a few months back to square one...aftercare is not optional it is a critical part of recovery  I have tried most but N/A has been the magic bullet for me  today I have over 5yr clean all of the aftercare I tried worked somewhat  but I didnent loose the desire to use until I worked the N/A program  today I have made a lot of new clean friends  something you wont get going to a counselor or therapist  I hit 4 meeting a week  do service work have a sponser and as long as I stick to it works this disease is powerful and once in a wile I still get a day where the addict in my head screams at me to get loaded but I no longer act on it I call someone and the desire goes away  without this program I would be a utter failure this progam has saved my life and the life of millions if your on the fence reading this  google a N/A meeting in your area and go with a open mind you will find refuge from this diease there  Thanks for posting this....................Gnarly

[jifmoc]

Tommy, holy *()*@...that was amazing. I related to every.single.word you wrote. From your pill-taking naivety in the early days to the discovery of "oh boy, this is a thinking problem, not a- "I'll just get rid of this substance and I'll be fine-"problem. I, too, chose AA (turns out, the substance itself is irrelevant...who knew!?) and I can't even say how many times I've heard the stories of peeps that had 5, 10, 20 years clean and started thinking they "got this" and ended up going out over it, only to come back into the rooms as newcomers. Those are really really important stories for me, just as reading yours was. You are really an inspiration. Look how you covered your butt by telling everyone and their mother and, even though it worked out fine, you shared it on here, too. To me that's recovery, spilling it, even if it's uncomfortable.

I read another awesome post of yours on another thread and I really hope you stick around. I, for one, could learn a lot from your wisdom!

[Krissy_123]

Wow!!! What an amazing post!! I've been reading all your posts since you've been back here the last few days. You know what you're talking about,you've lived/living it. So I haven't picked anything up that was mean. When I first came on this site 3 months ago I would get so defensive and angry when people would tell me I'd fail without aftercare! I thought pffft no way,I'm the one person that doesn't need it....ya I was wrong. I didn't relapse but I came very very close. I started to get bored,my thoughts were all over the place. So I new if I didn't try something I was going to fail. I also choose AA,I don't drink and have never had an issue with it,but I find it's more for me than what I found going to NA. this is a really inspirational post,and I'm so happy for you making it over 6 years. So glad you have all your loved ones and you're happy!! xox Krissy