Avalancheblanche is Crashing

[Avalancheblanche]

I am really having a hard time with the cravings the past few days.  I am 107 days clean and struggling with a whole bunch of stuff.
I cant seem to let go of the guilt of hurting the people that I love.  Especially the time lost with my daughters.
I am lonely.  I realise that my friends do more without me than with me now.  I dont know if it is me, not trusting myself to be ok, or if it is them, not trusting me to be ok.  
My daughter went thru a horrific experience this weekend at the hospital getting some tests.  I feel terrible that I wasnt better informed on what would happen and it was painful and terrifying for her.  
I am realising how before, on the meds, I had something to numb the pain.  
I know I have to deal with it, but, I wonder if anyone has any words to help me to overcome this stuff with my friends and over come feeling guilty for my daughter.
I dont want to scare any new people here.  I also think it is good and real to realise that we are addicts and we are going to have cravings even after a while being clean.  This is a good place to be and I need you all.  
Giz told me to post, and here I am......vulnerable and a little scared.  And I am an oldie here! LOL

[Avalancheblanche]

I just got up and read all the new posts on this thread.  Thank you everyone.  
This Ogre is feeling better already.  I had a good talk with my husband last night and got a lot out about my feelings.  He is so understanding and gentle.  
I will get to a meeting.  There are a few local ones that I hope will work for me.
I think my biggest thing is talking and getting it out.....and learning to forgive.
It is so amazing how much wisdom a person can find here!
Happy day Everyone!

[Flutterby111]

I know how sweet you are here on the forum, I can only imagine how wonderful you are on the home front.  I'm so empathetic to the difficulties you are having, as they can come in waves, sometimes sweeping you off your feet just like an avalanche!  You can't change the past, but you can control your future.  If you are feeling cravings, get your bootie into the meetings ASAP....not in a week, NOW!  Google NA meetings and your state and it is easy peasy to find a list and there generally are meetings all over the city every day.....I guess I live in the capital city and in the twin cities of my state, and it's flooded with druggies.  But I'm sure there is at least 4-5 meetings you COULD attend this week.  Make it a priority and I guaranty you you'd feel 100X's better when you walk out....as far as where you are on day 107 and as far as cravings.  I'm sorry about your daughter's bad experience and your guilt.  I wish you and both of your daughters healing all around.  Are you truly sorry for what  you've done?  Forgive yourself.  Have you apologized to your daughters?  Do what you can to make it up to them, within reasonable limits.  My kids are too young to really grasp what's happened recently.  I pray my 6 year old doesn't get it.  But he's made comments, like, oh there you go taking another pill!  Hmm....someone's overheard his sarcastic father giving me ****.  I never call him out for smoking pot!@  Ever.  That's all we need is our son going to school making ANY drug references at that nice school.  Whatever.  Be well sweet Blanche.  Be well.

[Jacqui805]

Congrats on the 107 babe...I'm sorry you're dealing with those nasty cravings, but I can really relate most to your guilt issue.  I am also a mother of two, girls.  I was here the whole four years I was on the med, but that's also part of the problem..I was JUST here.  I was almost consumed with guilt over the time I lost not doing the things I normally would have with them, and thinking about how my "absence" may have affected and altered them.  To think about it too much, really just kills me, then I wind up being and feeling self-destructive.  I am now, not letting my head go over that time, but instead am just being me now, here, in the present.  It's all too easy to for us moms to feel guilty anyway, and it never does anyone any good.  Flick that guilt-demon off of your shoulder and crush the *ast**d!  Ya know, only good people worry about the things they have or might have done....I'm sure that while you may have done things differently knowing what you know now, you were not a bad mom, and you taught some good things in the process of it all.  Our kids learn from the lower times in life, just as much as the wonderful ones.  You loved them then, as you do now, and they know this to be true.  I'm sure of it.  No matter what we're going through, mom's have a way of geting that message out.  : )

[GoingToMakeIt]

Man's importunities are God's opportunities.

Love your neighbor AS yourself. We are to love ourselves. Not in a puffed up way but with  dignity and compassion as we would others.

Even ogre's need to forgive themselves. True we made a decision to use, but I really don't think we would have if we knew what we know now.

Hang in there. Be proud of the 107 days clean. That really is something to be said. It is not easy to do that and to run a business and raise children. My hat is off to you, girl.

[toxictome]

The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.....


and btw....CONGRATS ON 107 DAYS!!!!   That is awesome and you should be PROUD!

[ILoveLukey]

I HAVE been the BEST Mom I can be and I still have a 21 year old baby that holds my failures against me.  And I know what I am talking about as well.  I think it is wonderful that your children do not hold it against you and I wish I could say the same.  You are saying that if we are the best moms we can be our children will forgive us. Well I am the best mom I can be and my  one daughter still holds a grudge against me, the other is my best friend. And it is not because I was not "the best mom I could be". You are luckywith your children and I am happy for you but some of  us experience the "grudge" from our children even if we were/are a good parent. What I said to Avalanche was, you have to forgive yourself and be proud of yourself for doing something about it. Stop putting yourself down for the mistakes you made. Not all children are forgiving but all we can do is try to make them realize that we did not choose this life and we are doing our best to get better.