Come to find out... I have been EXTREMELY letting this get to me when it shouldn't be AT ALL.
I have done NOTHING but let ANXIETY get to me...
Today I went to the Dr. as you can read above, and he said he'll do a wean... he was against my wean... The reason why... is b/c while even though I've been taking Ativan for almost 4 years.. almost every month for 4 years... I have came to realize, I WAS NOT taking THAT MUCH. My brain kept telling me that I was "hooked and screwed for good." I should say my ANXIETY was telling me that.
I read off to my brother tonight, who is an addict (been sober now for 3 or 4 years now? YAY!) He does get prescribed Klonopin though... but that's a different reason, and a whole other story. My brother is a BIG inspiration to me. And all I've done is researched the WORST of the WORST on the INTERNET. BAD IDEA. But Mr. Anxiety likes to do that. lol.
After I told my Brother how much Ativan I was taking even for 4 years... he laughed at me and said "Chris, I can't believe you told your Dr. that he was trying to hook you on these. Your Dr. was doing the RIGHT thing by giving you the MINIMAL AMOUNT that's even out there! YOU HAVE NOT ABUSED THIS MEDICINE like most "addicts" do. You may be getting somewhat tolerant in a way... but maybe you arent? Sometimes you gotta let the meds work with you and if you are working against them as you are taking them, you WONT FEEL THE EFFECT."
He was right b/c tonight I was relaxed, and took a .5mg ativan and was relaxing off of it. Today I was stressing about this whole "what if I get sick from withdrawal etc. etc. etc." I couldn't get it out of my MIND! So the .5mg ativan I took this morning DID NOTHING for me b/c I wasn't letting it.
Going back to where I was telling you about how I was reading off the amounts of ativan I was taking over the past 4 years. I kept reading numbers off like:
.5mg once a day
.25mg once this day
.25mg once this day
1mg once this day
.5mg once this day
.25mg once this day
2mg once this day <--- there were only a few times I took this much, and it was b/c of HIGH HIGH HIGH ANXIETY.
So after reading all of this and REALLY putting it into perspective... my brother said, Chris, You are not going to have a problem weaning off this. That's why your Dr. doesnt want to put you on Valium halfway through b/c that stuff is some pretty good stuff. lol. And your Dr. knows you arent going to have any withdrawal really.
So my Dr. called me tonight to check on me. I asked him, Dr. "" Can you tell me what I'm going to experience through this withdrawal process? Everyone online says it's worse than heroin to come off of. He laughed at me, and said "How many times do I have to tell you to stay off the internet." lol. He said "Chris, the only symptoms you are going to have is ANXIETY. That's it.
I replied "I'm not gonna be convulsing, or having crazy muscle spasms, or vomiting, or diarrhea etc.?
He laughed and replied "Chris calm down. This is your anxiety getting to you. You havent even started weaning yet. If you do get diarhea or vomiting... or muscle spasms... it won't be from withdrawal... it will be from your ANXIETY I promise.
I felt really bad... b/c today I was acting like he's putting me through this hell b/c he has kept prescribing it to me for years. Now I realize I wasnt abusing or taking too much.
He said his wean will be comfortable... but he says chances are my anxiety will come back, and he agreed that the Ativan is just a band-aid and I really need to seek therapy. He has mentioned therapy to me in the past... but I only did it a few times... never stuck with it. Why? B/c in my brain was... I'm feeling better now b/c I have ativan at home. Thank you.
This time once I'm off... and if Im still having anxiety issues, I will FACE these issues through THERAPY... not PILLS... THERAPY! I TRULY believe I can reverse the way my thinking patterns are. It is going to take WORK. I just can't go to a therapist for 2 treatments and feel better then not go back. I HAVE TO KEEP GOING BACK, even when I'm feeling GOOD.
I'm also starting this Friday to go to my churches "Road to Recovery" night they do every week. It's not for addicts necessarily, b/c I'm not an addict. But my pastor said it's for people how have been through dependency before, people who are addicted to food, sex, pornography etc. And hey, I bet I can help a lot of people. =) I bet I walk in there and say "I'm not dependent on ativan... I'm addicted to anxiety." LOL. Which is true.
God Bless you ALL.
I lost trust in my Dr. for about 4 days... now I have full trust back in him. My wife has an appt. tomorrow with him, so I'm gonna drop in with her and apologize to him, and let him do his job.
LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!
** 1st full paragraph --->> when I wrote "he was against MY wean... I meant, he was against the way I wanted to wean with valium."
My brother also made a VERY TRUE statement... he said:
"Chris, if you weren't seeing your Dr. and you were seeing some other Dr. for your anxiety... he wouldn't be giving you .5mg ativan... He'd be giving you XANAX 3X a day and other things for as much as you see your Dr. for anxiety. lol. Your Dr. told you he's careful on NOT OVER PRESCRIBING meds, and he's not doing that to you. You are luck you have a good Dr."
cnote i dnt know what happened I posted b4u did 40minutes ago but its not here.Btw I got ur message+wrote u back.real quick I said please read my original post now that u talked2ur DR+brother.I was the only1who said I thought ur stress+anxiety was causing the symptoms every1else disagreed+said u were w/d.Thats such a low dose.I know now u did reread it.I was on 6-8mg xanax a day.Didnt wanna argue w/my dr i did my own taper+at2mg I jumped.Hes right other DRS wouldve given u xanax for sure those r what u should use valium2get off of.(I was taking10-15 10mg lortab,6-8mg xanax,soma,fironal,cymbalta EVERYDAY!!CRAZY).Anyway ur gonna rock this I know it.
I wont go in my long story but i was put on ativan in 2008..I KEEP getting worse severe dizziness,and the walkng like you said,,there were times i just felt i was in another world,and my legs would cave in.They never did.But in 2010,I went to a new Dr.and he took me off the ativan and back on xanax which i had been on dince 1990(except from 2007-2010) i have not felt that way since..It was the ativan.I hate being on benzos,but the dumb drs insist its anxiety instead of other things..i have since found out it was my thyroid and hornones..but Im still hooked and need xanax.So I would say try another benzo....but never stop any of them cold turkey even when going on another one/Hope this helps.
Why would I want to start another benzo? I'm trying to taper off of one that I've been on for almost 4 years. That's a big NO NO in my goal to be clean of benzo.
Sure my anxiety is still probably going to come back, it may not. But I'm seeking therapy through this WHOLE process.
Anxiety disorders CAN be REVERSED without meds. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is something I should have stuck with A LONG time ago.
So that's my goal. To wean slowly off the Ativan for a few months... then be BENZO CLEAN!
Benzos for anxiety are only a band-aid. There have got to be techniques to help with anxiety and control it with out meds. Your brain is a VERY powerful thing.
That being said I really believe anxiety can be A LOT WORSE that w/d.The anticipation of w/d can be practically debilitating.I have been there.I admire the control u have on not taking medication when u have such anxiety.Having said that have you ever thought maybe you should continue with some sort of benzo.That is if you think you can't function like your used to w/o it.If your strong enough to stop go with your instincts.Your doctor seems to trust and value your opinion.People come off benzos all the time I'm sure your doctor has been down this road before but if your worried ask him if he has done this tapering process often/before if not maybe he can refer u to someone who has had more experience with the process.To ease your anxiety get step by step instructions written down to clarify exactly what your taper will be like including any side effects so you have NO surprises.good luck.your very strong you can get off the benzos for sure.