new here and just need to vent!!

[girlwithbrokensoul]

Im going to start off by saying im new here and i have been on and off of pain pills, mostly tabs sometimes percks for 6 almost seven years. im only 23 and i swear i cant believe that i have allowed myself to turn into this monster that i am. i have gotten the strenghth to quit many times and did it for months but each time i have ended up right back at the same spot. i refuse to be like this!  i was riding in my car tonight thinking about my life how im now at the point to where im buying pills every day just to feel normal but in reality i dont feel normal!  im depressed and ashamed everytime i take one, i cant look at my son without wanting to cry, my neck and back hurt from stressing myself out about quiting. i already feel like crap every day taking pills and i know it will never get better as long as i continue. I dont understand why i continue to suffer when i could just stop buying them and tough it out and feel basicly the way i already do for a couple days and eventually get my life back! i have done it before and yeah the withdraws are awful but my biggest thing is my brain i have been sick before, we all have i just have the hardest time keeping myself focused on why im doing it..  Im no longer going to be a victim of this negative addiction. i know god has a plan for me and has allowed me to go through this not to give into it but to learn from it and turn it into a positive thing. not just me but all of us. because of the addictions and the awful things we have seen and done and dark places we all have gone being a addict God has blessed us with the gift of understanding, myself anyway. i can talk to anyone that has a problem but instead of judge them i can relate to them and cangive them advice that a 'normal' person couldnt. i look at life completly different then someone that hasnt been through it. people that havent suffered from any addiction looks down on us and thinks were less then them. i know we are most def not we all in some way just let our depresion or so called bad lives get the best of us in the beginng and only wanted a way out just like any normal erson would!  I no that no addict wants to be the way they are every addiction is the same the drug may be different but the ending result is the same.  we lose ourselves and become controled by a evil drug no matter which one it is! i no god has a plan for me and it is going to be wonderful, i have been sober and let God lead the way so i know the great feeling you get from letting him in and the way the devil has been on me and tempting me and just trying his hardest to bring me down lets me know that im going to be something great and i have a purpuse in this life other then being a pill head.  it is such a scary place living the life of a drug addict its honestly a dark evil place. all you see and feel is just evil and if its such thing as a hell on earth there must be a peacful place too i know it is.  i am only 23 but i have only known drugs since i was 12.  thats what i done when i wanted to have fun thats what i know now but its time for a change i am a young woman i can learn a new way of life. if it means me not having any friends and even moving away i will not continue to live my life like this.  god gave me my son because he wanted me to be his mother so i can teach himand so he can be my motivation. i will no longer be a stanger to myself from this day forward i am going to dedicate my life to God and my son.  I know i can be the woman i was put on this earth to be and i will no longer waist away. even if all i do in my life is overcome this addiction and raise my son to be a good god fearing man i will have accomplished more then i could ever do living like this.  i really needed to do get that out to anyone who reads this i just needed to motivate myself. i know it want be easy but today is the beginning of my new life and the first day of my LAST fight with this!

[texaslady68]

It is great to hear you have such a good plan.  You sound really strong and determined.  That is all it takes.  I was the same way.  I was so done with those stupid pills.  I was taking 10 to 12 a day.  120 a week going to 5 different doctors. I live in Houston and there is a devil in a white coat on ever corner and a pharmacy too.  They arent even doctors, they are physicians assistants.   I added up the other day how much I was spending and it was $1,500 a month.  That is what some people make a month for goodness sake,  Thank God I have a great paying job which I almost lost due to feeling so dull I didnt go to work and made alot of mistakes.  
I took my last pill Christmas Day as a promise to Jesus on his birthday.
You have a lot of strengh my dear and that is what it takes!  Stay strong.

[girlwithbrokensoul]

it started after i had my son. i was 16 and i had the baby blues or something i was just tired unhappy and loved my son but didnt have the motivation to want to take care of him.  i took a loratab 10 one day my cuz had it and said it would help and it did it made me feel good and want to get up. i felt like a better mother.  my mom, stepdad, aunt, cousin everybody around me took them. it grew from a couple a week to every day.   the last time i quit i was honestly happy and had NO reason to start back!  it was a mental thing, i had gotten to the point i didnt even think about it but my friend sold them and a family member called and asked me to get them some and i had done it before but this time they asked for more then they could pay for so i ended up having some left.  it was like my brain would not rest until i took one.   it was good at first i just got too confident and started taking them every now and then until i got to where i am now.  i take atleast 6 tens a day but if i have the money i will buy 10 maybe 20 at a time and i will take ten to 12 a day and im honestly scared im going to go to sleep and not wake up.  i have no control anymore!  I do however know myself so im not going to work for a week i started today i took today off cause im a waitress and get cash everyday and for me at this point i cant trust myself to not go buy pills if i have the money so i paid all my bills with the money i had saved and spent the rest last night on my son. we went bowling and played putt putt golf.  so im broke and it ***** but its a must if i want to get through this.  my son is six and is extremly active and ima single mother so today has been a challenge but i managedto get up and play b ball with him and we have been laying around watching movies.  he loves spending one on one time with me so hes happy but im having to fake the funk cause i honestly just want to not talk not laugh just lay!   i will get through this i have ambian to help me sleep thats my biggest symptom and the mental part but im not going to continue like this i have to stop.  this time im most def goingto get some sort of after care or atleast use this site so i dont forget the struggle im going through now and i will not make the same mistake i did the last time. im changing my number monday i dont want anybody in my life except my son and my church family! i kept my phone cut off today and will keep it like that until monday so i dont have any of those phone calls that u get when u wanna do better. it never fails when u want them and dont wanna quit its like i cant hardly get my hands on them but as soon as i finally get my mental strength up to quit everybody and their mama calls with all kinda deals! but i did learn from my past mistakes so im ready this time!! im really emotional and i know its going to get worse before it gets better i just pray that i can keep the will power i have today tomorrow and so on. Thank you all for being so helpful and available i really need it.

[texaslady68]

Lost,

Your post was amazing.  I think what I really took from it is that you really, really want it this time.  That is the biggest step I think we all make.  We all know that we do not quit because someone tells us to.  I know I finally got sick of living in a zombie mental state just going through the motions everyday and not feeling anything.  Spending all my money, and just doing nothing on weekends but taking pills, laying in bed, and clicking the remote,  

I am 62 days today and I will not lie, it is still really hard.  As horrid as the withdrawals are, the mental part is tough because we are not used to feeling emotions and dealing with real life without taking a pill to shut it down.  God has been such an influence in my life. The devil has given him a pretty good run at times.  I just have to know who to turn to that is going to help me and not hurt me and my family and that is God.  Take your time, get through withdrawals, and then start working on the issues that brought this mess into your life at such a young age.  

You can do this, know you can turn to this board if you think you are going to slip, we can help you.  God Bless you and your son.

[snakejones]

Welcome, darlin'! My name is Margaret, and I am very glad you are here! This forum is full of wonderful people. It is a close-knit group that has been through hell together. Our sympathy really means something, for it was born out of genuine pain. These folks are also very intelligent, and there isn't too much that they haven't seen before. We can answer pretty much any question you have, and if we don't know the answer, we learn!
If I might ask a couple of questions, we can help you better. What made you first use? When you quit, what made you fail? Are you around people that use? What have you been taking most recently, and how much? Are you in acute withdrawal right now? What will you do differently this time to stay clean? And just because I want to know, how old is that sweet little son?   :-)
Remember that successfully staying clean involves aftercare. You need to think about it quickly, put together a plan, and act on it within a few days at the most. Your little son needs you clean, and this world needs you clean. I'll be looking for your posts!

[LostNoMore]

Wow. Your description of the feelings that go along with active addiction hit me right in the heart! I was there. I know that place. It sounds like you know about recovery. Good. The detox will be hard, but we've all been there so you'll get nothing but support here. Keep posting and hang in there...day by day it will get better.

[MikeInFrance]

Let me just add to Sharons great comment.... God will do the things that you can't do , not the things you won't do for yourself.  Your Bible study group will help  for sure. As the wd's start I know it's not the time to really work on future plans and how not to use again...that part comes right after...now I am just concerned in helping you get through the next few days. Post here each day with how you feel and for support....it does wonders for the soul!

[Sharon0255]

Welcome you can don this. Take the suggestions and know you are not alone. We are all here for you ton help you start the journey to freedom from pills. God will do for you what you can't do for yourself.

[minn66]

I think the others said it quite well. You are young and intelligent and know deep down what you need to do. Be aware of things that trigger your use and plan for this, because as you know it can sneak up on you just like that! Post here often and find an aftercare program, or a counselor you feel comfortable with. We are all pulling for you. Embrace your bright future. You have today, this moment. Take it one minute, hour, and day at a time. You can do this!

[littlebit667]

Sadly relapse is part of the game for most.  It takes awhile for it to sink in that the pills are a road to h e l l!  I am struggling with the same issue and hope that this time it sticks!  What I wanted to share is something I learned while learning how to deal with my husband's own struggle with alcohol.  Emotional growth and maturity tend to be railroaded at the point that the addiction took over.  You started the pills so young hon and I hope that you find the balance to continue your growth as you move to sobriety.  I really would suggest you find a therapist to help you maneuver that path. .  I think you will find it helpful to get and stay clean as you figure out who you are.  I congratulate you for coming here to ask for help and support.  I promise you will get it.  Keep posting as you move forward.

[gnarly_1]

Congrats on wanting to take your life back and God can and will give you the strength to do it he did for me and I came off a 16 1/2 yr addiction look up the thomas recipe on the lower right of this page pick up the stuff suggested will work with you here a hot bath takes care of most of the symptoms get a case of gatoraid and force the fluids and I tell every body starting out ....''you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile'' you can get threw this keep reading the posts and post often for support good luck and God bless prayer helps.......Gnarly  

[girlwithbrokensoul]

i talked to my bible study teacher and i know that my main problem in the past was once i got a couple months under my belt i got to confident in my strenghth and thought i could just take one and that one led to this. i also realized that i started taking pills to deal with some past problems that i now know i have to deal with sober to move on.  i am going to just post on here and get through the withdraws that will be here soonfirst and then slowly pull my self together again.         its comforting to know im not the only one going through this and to have someone to talk to about it that can relate

[MikeInFrance]

Hey girl!  It's cool that u posted here cuz you'll get so much advice and support with your addiction. When I was reading your post was thinking of what to say but then I realized you already have the answers. You are an intelligent woman and cognizant of the fact that you have a serious problem. You want to change and have tried before so you know what to expect. I wanna suggest so much to you but let me just say this for now....love yourself bcause God loves you and it's not the way He wants us to be. You will succeed if You commit to it and commit to Him! Choose the side you want to be on....light or darkeness....I know where u want to be but it tales more than want....it takes dedication and commitment! Love yourself!

[Dane74]

Hey there and welcome to the forum you have come to the best place where you will never feel that people are looking down on you!!!  I know exactly how your feeling i am a bit older than you, but i am a addict pill popper as well and i only know life high, its very sad to even type those words but it is true.  I too am a mom of 2 daughters 14 and 11 and i want nothing more than to get and stay clean for me, my children and my husband.  I am so PROUD of you for coming here and for posting and more importantly taking on the challenge to defeat the devil!!!!!!  I wish you nothing but the best you seem to know what you are in for so just stock up on all the vitmins, gatorade, and bananas,etc... take each day hour by hour day by day, keep  posting there are so many people that will come on board and talk with ya.  Welcome, your friend, Dane

[bmdad]

Congrats on wanting to get your life back! Don't waste the energy wondering when and why you became addicted. It will get you nowhere. Focus your energy on today and your recovery. We could sit here and wonder how we got to this point until we are blue in the face but how is that going to help us?

I can tell you that life is so much better off of the pills and it's something that you can do. You said you have been clean in the past only to relapse. You need to ask yourself this. "What am I going to do different this time"? Nothing changes if nothing changes. You have to get some form of aftercare. You have to realize that you can't do this on your own. Look into AA/NA, an addiction therapist or even a pastor. You have to give 110% everyday and never let your guard down. One pill is too many and 1000 is never enough. That pretty much means that all it takes is one pill to land you right back to where you started. A member on here use to say, "You will succeed when your desire to be clean is stronger than your desire to use". You have to make sure that holds true every single day. If a craving hits or you feel you're on the verge of a relapse you have to figure out what you have to do to push through it. Some people come on here and post. Some hit a meeting. Some go for a jog. You have to figure out what works for you. The withdrawals are the easy part. The real work starts once you can think clearly again.

You're young and have so much to live for. You can turn your life around starting now and never have to be in the situation you're currently in again. It's not easy but it can be done. Take it a hour at a time or even minute by minute if you have to. You will get there and it I can tell you that it's so worth the fight.

Best of luck to you and if you need anything, just ask!




Brian