Can I find quality of life after opiate addiction? I just want to be "normal" again plz...

[Luckygirl05]

Hi everyone of my fellow opiate strugglers,
  My husband and I both have become addicts to any kind of narcotic painkillers that we can get ahold of... Sad to say that it all started with me and my rx's. I was given several prescriptions over the years for vicodin or perc's. I used to be able to take just one 5/500 vic and it would mess me up for a few hours... Now I can take 6 of them at a time and I literally feel nothing but nauseous from all the Tylenol in them. I secretly had a rx for them about 5 years ago when we had me and I would take them just when I had them and no more than 1-2 a day. No big deal, right? Well as time went on I realized that I needed more, and did some things to get more from doctors. My husband asked me what they were like and why everyone was taking them and so I gave him a few to try... HUGE mistake! We casually took them just when I had them for about 6 months until I got scheduled for some cosmetic surgery that they gave me 90 perk's for 2 weeks on advance and then got more.  By the time my surgery went down my husband and I had taken all of my pain pills and I had to deal with augmentation (under the muscle) with nothing more than advil... It was pure painful hell to say the least. That was in October 2008' and things have spiraled out of control... I had a child in June 06' adding to my already 4 1/2 year old boy at the time and let's just say he was the hardest child ever to raise, still is but I love him. I thought that if I took pills then I could clean my house, take great care of my boys, get tons of energy, cook large meals for my family, basically be super mom and super wife... Now without them I can't even muster up enough energy to get out of bed and I am SO depressed that life just isn't worth living without them. I, my husband and I actually, have a HUGE problem here and I so need some support /advice! Things have gotten so bad that I was stealing 60/month from a man that I was care giving for... Not that he even needed them. I convinced the VA that he was in pain so I could feed the monkey on my back. Then I get the 30/7.5/750 vic ES from one of my dr's, 52 every 2 weeks of the Norco 5/325 (104 month) and my husband gets 30 5/500 vic every 2-3 weeks from his dr. I get Tramadol in between lately just because I had to go tell one of my dr's that I thought I may have a mild issue w/ opiates... My withdrawals were SO severe OMG... I really thought I was going to die. Oh and the best part is that if that wasn't enough drugs we are also have recently been spending over $1,000/month. This is so scary to even write this down. I guess it's time to come clean to somebody and if you are reading this then you're it:) I am frightened for my life right now... My addiction is much worse than my husbands even. He weighs about 220 and I am about 120 yet I can tollerate so many more than him. I am taking around 10-25 of whatever I have at the time to take. Last Sun. I took 7 10/325 Norcos then followed that up w/ 24 5/500 vics 'in one day. I basically took way too much tylenol and I have been vomiting since then. Sat-present I haven't though so I hope the worst part of that is over now. I have about 20 vic, 2 perk and appx 5 methadone at my disposal right now but my rx's are due next week... I want to GET OFF THIS S**T!!! Please please help me! I don't know how to live without it now... I started on Celexa (anti depressant) and Xanax (anti- anxiety) back in Feb. because I thought if I could deal with my severe depression then I could finally break this cycle but I am still depressed- now with or without the pills. The xanax helps me sleep at night because I can barely cope with all the racing thoughts that pour through my brain when I lay in bed at night. I feel so much guilt for being a mom like this. I know that my 8 year old has caught on and I finally had a talk with him about it because he wanted to know why I always go to the pharmacy and why when I dont I get really "sick"... It was a horrible talk for me. My own mom is in prision for events that have occured due to her drug/alcohol addiction that started when I was just 3. I love my kids and family and I know that I am living a lie. No one would ever suspect that my husband and I are addicts and we have to keep it that way! This is the only forum I have read or posted to because I feel like I have to share this with someone... I am really just hoping someone can tell me that my energy will return and eventually I will be able to get out of bed in the morning without wanting to cry my eyes out without the pills. I can't even take my kids to the park unless I am high, this is pathetic. How did I do this to myself and my family?: I swore I would never be like my mom and now unless I make huge changes I will be. I am a good mom and most wouldn't know I have to be high to even take a shower and put clothes on in the morning but it's all true... It's so hard trying to quit too since my husband and I are never on the same page and wanna quit at the same time... My time is now though. I want to use the few m I have to help me get off the V= trust me, it does help a lot w wd's! I am ready to do this but please tell me how long until I am ok??? I just need anything positive that says that I am going to make it and live a clean and sober life for my family,,, Thanks for reading my rant and rave and any advise is so appreciated:) God bless, C

[gnarly_1]

HI Christina I just wanted to take a minute to encourage you to go thew with this..I was addicted to both pills for 10yrs then methadone for 6 1/2 yrs...being it was methadone at the end it took a grueling 8 1/2 mo to taper off of it going in and out of withdrawals thew out...I know what withdrawals are all about and there no fun...but they are doable ...you have to really want it bad...and it sounds like your ready for this madness to end...the first thing I tell most people is "you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile" it is only a temporary situation you will get thew it in about a week...use the time now to start preparing for your detox...look on the right hand side of the screen and go to the health pages and look up the Thomas recipe...there are things you can get that will help with your withdrawals..also I have found a few....go to walmart and pick up a 3 in one calcium/magnesium/zinc supplement its 6 bucks for 250...start taking 4 in the morning and 4 at dinner time right now it takes a couple of days for it to build up in your system but I found it cut down on the withdrawals considerabley my withdrawals where long and drawn out over months of time I wish I had found this sooner it really seamed to make a difference...try not to let the fear of the withdrawals into the equation ...its always worst in our minds then it actually is...my final withdrawal lasted a 7 day week it was no fun but it was doable I had been thew so much just getting there..remember this is 1/3 physical and 2/3 physiological so go into it with a win win attitude this is a battle one or lost in ones own mind...It would be a good idea to get all the pills out of reach..it is far to ez to slip up and take one when your miserable with withdrawals and this will only set you back to day 1..you must purge all of the narcotics out of your system you cant cheat and take a few to try and ez the withdrawals...YOU CAN DO THIS ..many here are exactly where your at so you willl have company doing this..many people buddy up with someone on here wile going thew it and do it together and support one another ...you will have plenty of support here we all want you to succeed ...the best 1 thing that I have found wile going thew this is a long hot bath ...dont under estimate how well this sooths the symptoms of withdrawal ...keep posting on here we all want to help...try not to have to much anxiety going into this..I know that part is hard but it dosent do any good ...I look forward to helping you thew this good luck and God bless......Gnarly              

[Luckygirl05]

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! I really appreciate all the support I have received on here... I think that my husband can be my biggest support through all of this as long as he puts his foot down if I get weak. I can't imagine rehab for either of us as I have no ins. and it is so costly and he works full time at a great job to support us. My recovery is something I believe that I can do on my own for now, or should I say without inpatient. I have begun an anti depressant as stated above and also counseling. I am really going to do this on my own with the love and support of my family. We no longer want to live like this and if it means I have to go through 2 weeks of h**l to get clean then so be it. I have had w/d's before several time when I ran out of pills so I know what to expect and it won't be pleasant to say the least... I can do this though, I know I can! I will keep you all posted if you care to hear about my progress. Thursday is my last day and Friday is the beginning of a better life for my family and I! Blessings to all of you, Christina

[grace1208]

Hi, I just read through your posts and wanted to write to give you some hope. I am in a 3 year relationship with an opiate addict. He has been sober now for 6 months after he relapsed after a 2 year sobriety. Although it seems incredibly difficult right now, your life does hold the happiness and energy you are looking for, without drugs. My fiance is living a happy productive drug-free life. He's a wonderful father to our 1 year old daughter and a great partner. His road to recovery was difficult. He spent  30 days in rehab and was on a suboxin treatment for months. But with support, and the belief that you CAN do it (for your kids and husband, but ultimately for you), a drug free life is possible. If you can make it through that surgery on only Advil- sweetie, you can get through this. Be positive and believe in yourself.

A little advice from what I've learned through my experience and Nar anon, you need to be away from your husband and anyone who enables your addiction while you are gettting clean and after you have detoxed. Look into some rehab facilities you can go to and encourage your husband to do the same. You both have to be in this or you will have a much longer and more difficult road to travel.

Good luck to you! The quality of life you are looking for IS attainable drug free and my fiance is a testament to it. :) You can do it.

[Luckygirl05]

Oh and yes, going through my breast submuscular augmentation without any pain meds was a total nightmare that I never will forget... I still can't believe that I made it through that on Advil! I also had 2 natural childbirths as I didn't want my kids to come out with any drugs in their little systems. I never used back then and thank god that I am getting off this crazy path while I still have my health! Thanks for the support:) Christina

[Luckygirl05]

I just read all of your replies and I am SO thankful that you all are out there going through the same thing... I think as far as it goes with my husband that he really does want to stop too but we feed off each other and when I am at home going through w/d's he is the first person I beg to get me something, even one or two so I can get out of bed, take a shower and try to be a good interactive Mom that my boys deserve. Addiction runs in my family but generally to alcohol... I never thought that I would become addicted to anything but alas, here I am. I work my husband over and make him feel bad for me until he buys me some more pills from a source at his work. I have become very good at manipulating my situation to where he probably fears that I won't be able to run the household or care for the boys unless he gives me what I want. Just one more little fix so I can get out of bed and get housework done... I really don't want to quit either but I am SO scared at how deep I am in my addiction. My husband is pretty deep too but he has no idea how many pills I take at once or he would have financially cut it off long ago. I really think I might die if I continue on this path to destruction. I didn't have the best role models and I think my coping mechanisms really suck. I feel like I can do anything when I take pills but in reality they don't even affect me anymore. They just take the edge off.I do recall being happy before taking this crap but i don't know how to get back to that point. I just want to be able to get out of bed in the morning, make my kids and husband a big breakfast, get ready, clean the house and take the kids to the park or on a walk or something without feeling like I am going to die. I get in total panic mode where I try to rack my brain on how to come up with more. I have stolen pills from so many people! I even had a housekeeping business for 7 years and I would take out what I wanted and replace it with generic tylenol so no one noticed. I think I fly below the radar... I do not look like a pill popper nor does my husband. Addiction takes many forms I guess and you never can tell at first glance. I am wasting my life and youth waiting for my pills to kick in, hunting them down, laying in bed till my rx is ready for pick up then getting bare minimum ready till I can get to the pharmacy. My life is on stand by and so is my marriage. We have fought so much over the last 3 years that it's a miracle that we are still married! I thank god for him everyday and for my kids who love me no matter how "sick" I may be. I frequently can't sleep from the guilt or w/d's from running out and I lay in my master bathroom on the floor with my pillow and blankie and the blow dryer running... Some sort of nastalgic thing that I do for comfort. I can lay there all night, sometimes into the next day even. I can't believe I am finally opening up to someone (or several ppl) about my problems with addiction. I haven't been able to tell anyone because I have stolen them from so many ppl that I fear that they will be mad at me and judge me or abandon me... My mom is actually in Prision on several DUII charges and I don't have too many ppl that I feel really care and won't cast me out. I have the will to make changes and I hope that everyone sees that it is such a huge problem and you can't do this on your own. If you are on this forum it is because you have the will to change... You just have to make up your mind and we can all beat this together. I am sick of these little white pills controlling my and my family's life. I can't wait till Thursday when I can try again to stop with the support of others on here! God bless you all and I will be praying for each of you that you can find the happiness and health that you deserve, Stay strong friends, we WILL make it through this! XOXO, Christina

[happypill]

mellie-- thank you... I am on antidepressants  have been for years. and you know what? your exactly right-  I am NOT hopeful. But, that is unfortunately a trend in my life about mostly everything--- I know, thats a problem too....lol I am just a mess......and I really need to get some therapy--- for all these issues....
I just got rx'd on the vikes for legitimate medical issues, a few surgeries, many many kidney stones....(omg thats was the worst) and I soon realized they had the effect of well being amd euphoria that NO antidepressant could rival....and here I am....
I know this is rationalizing here so bare with me--- doesnt the fact that i am maintaining on 4 per day for ,at least 7 months now, a sign that thats all i need, and I wont require more and more?
and I have been thinking of the pros of quitting.... first and foremost is my LIVER, and how I would like to save it!!! but again, my addicted , rationalizing self tell me i am not at the max 4000mg per  day.