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Can anyone help?
I am hoping that there is someone out there to help! I am a recovering herion addict with over 9 years clean from it, but the past 1 1/2 years I have become addicted to another opiate. I have not touched dope, I would NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I have had it in my hands and it had made me utterly sick to my stomach. See the thing is my husband brke his back a couple of yrs ago had some surgery and it didn't help and now he is on soo many different meds, and such high dosages that I have literally had Drs tell me that he should be in some sort of record book because he has literally used up an entire hosptals supply of pain meds and it barely touched him. About a year and a half ago I started with a heria and it was getting worse fast and between runnng him around to Drs and taking care of our kids and doing everything else I was given one of his pills and got sick to my stomach. The pain got worse and I kept taking them (they were percs 10/325) shortly after that they switched his meds and put him on the fentanyl patch and for awhile everything was good, but then someone told him about cutting the patch and eating it, and from then on life has changed. My husband gave me a piece to try and that was it. I kept saying I hurt and I did but not so bad to take it, and he kept giving it thinking he was helping me, but now it's become matience. I have a problem and I need to get off, I asked my Mom for help and all she did was yell at me and hang up on me. I looked up methadone clinics in the area and there are 2 one is for profit and the other one is for long term methadone program at least a year they told me. My husband said that he would try to help me by getting methadone from his doc and I can detox that way, and worse case scenerio the dr gives him roxis and I dt off the fent with the roxis and then dt off the roxis will be easier then straight off the fent, I am eating the patches, the 100 mcgs patches I am eating 2 a day. I looked into going inpatient cuz I remember dting off dope and I am told this is 100 x worse and I can't do that without adversely affecting my family so that's out, and to top everything off I am having my own medical issues, my fingers and hands have been pure pin and needles for a week now but can't go to the hospital cause I can not show postitive for fent without an explanation. Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom for me, I really want off and want "normalcy" but I am terrified, and then after the whole detoxing process what am I gonna do to stay off it, my husband is still going to be on it and it is going to be right there. Please someone help I am lost and need to find my way again!
I do appriciate your honesty, so thanks! I am too afraid to tell a doc because when the time comes that I am strong enough(clean and finiacially able to) I want to be able to leave him, and when that happens I don't want to give him ANYTHING that can bite me in the ***, if I were to lose my kids that would be the end of me. I think that everyone has a purpose on this earth and mine is to take care of my wonderful kids, they are the meaning in my life. I know I sound stupid but it's the truth. My comment about the "vow" was that we are suppose to stand beside each other through sickness and in health and right now I am dealing with sickness and he should be supporting me and helping me get through it not do everything in his power to make it harder on me. And you probably are right about him "helping" me, he has known since the door that I was a opiate addict, it's not something that was hidden. I was suppose to spend my life with this person, so I thought I was suppose to share the skeltons in my closet with him. One of the few things that I was taught by my Mother was I have my own 2 legs to stand on and my own head on my shoulders and no one can take that away from me, but where I f**ked up is allowed him to control me. I have allowed him to isolate me from my family and ruin friendships, I can not fully blame him because I allowed it but I guess what's done is done we can't turn back time we can only move forward and not make the same mistakes twice. I definitely learned one thing I never again will get married or anything of that nature because I can do it all on my own and don't need a male in my life to do anything, it seems any male that has been in my life has been nothing but a low life, who I have allowed to drag me down to their level. It so easy to blame everyone else but never take responsibilty for yourself and I definitely have taken a long look in the mirror and have put the blame where it truly belongs which is on my shoulders, and now I since I have done that I have to correct my mistakes. I have thought about checking myself into a program for detox and then it would be easier to deal with once I have gone through the physical detox process I know the mental part is hard but I whole heartly feel if I can get through the physical I can do the mental because my strength focus is my kids and I have to do this for them it's just a matter of getting through the withdrawal process. I just need to get off this sh*t and regain control of my life because I am better than what I have become and only I can change it so I will, and I truly thank everyone on this forum for their support and care, it really means alot to me, because I have no support from my family, but I get alot of support from you all. Without the support you guys provide it would be soo much harder to get through this process!
I have read your whole post and i you said you like honesty so here goes.
You've got it allllllllllllllll wrong you say he holds it over your head? oh no honey, he's so jealous of you that you allowed him to switch the power around. You were the one taking care of him and that made him feel terrible about himself so sounds like he intentionally "HELPED" you by giving you drugs. You need to really think about that. And yes you took vows so did i BUT enabling your spouse is NOT a vow. Right now vent about him and get yourself clean! And just saying if it was me? And he's off on a crack binge, sounds like hes more than healthy to take care of himself. Remember we are woman, we are STRONG!!! Take charge of your life and quit.
WE're all here for you. I don't know much about fent other than its some pretty strong stuff. but telling your primary care doctor could save you, there are LOTS of med's to help with w''ds that arent methadone or suboxone. Telling a doc could be terrifying but if they're a good doctor they'll do everything they can to help, i told mine and he was awesome. don't be afraid of the one person who could help you the most!!! Good luck and keep posting!
You've got it allllllllllllllll wrong you say he holds it over your head? oh no honey, he's so jealous of you that you allowed him to switch the power around. You were the one taking care of him and that made him feel terrible about himself so sounds like he intentionally "HELPED" you by giving you drugs. You need to really think about that. And yes you took vows so did i BUT enabling your spouse is NOT a vow. Right now vent about him and get yourself clean! And just saying if it was me? And he's off on a crack binge, sounds like hes more than healthy to take care of himself. Remember we are woman, we are STRONG!!! Take charge of your life and quit.
WE're all here for you. I don't know much about fent other than its some pretty strong stuff. but telling your primary care doctor could save you, there are LOTS of med's to help with w''ds that arent methadone or suboxone. Telling a doc could be terrifying but if they're a good doctor they'll do everything they can to help, i told mine and he was awesome. don't be afraid of the one person who could help you the most!!! Good luck and keep posting!
I appriciate ur assistance I really do. I had replaced the fentanyl with oxycodone and went 6 days without fent and only 10 of the 15 mg oxycodone pills. I wish I could just go CT, but my life doesn't allow for that. In the beginning of my 1st post I said that my husband was supportive, boy was I wrong. He is fighting his own demons and it's sick to say this but it's like he enjoys being able to control me and make me either suffer or make me feel good. It is really sadistic if you think about it but it's how it is. I am not trying to put him down it's just we took vows, and I do EVERYTHING FOR HIM, and when I have to do something for the kids he gets jealous, acts like a baby, takes off with OUR car, leaves me stranded at the house with OUR kids. And I am forced to deal with his grandmother rampages about him, but instead of yelling at me and taking it out on us grow a set and say the **** to him. She should shoulder some sort of responibility for his "crack addition" since she has self proclaimed raised him, and enables his dumb ***. "oh Gram I owe some drug dealwe $800, if I don't pay it they are gonna hurt me" and then he disappears for days. I mean how stupid can you truly be and how many time are you gonna believe the same ******** stories, before enough is enough. You know the f**ked up part is I am sitting here casting stones but I really am no better since I stay with him, with the hopes of the man I married coming back and not this selfish a**hole. I turned to drugs when I was younger because no one around me cared at all about me, hell what type of parent lets their teenage daughter walk out of the house at 3 am with a car load of guys at least 10 yrs older than her? The drugs when I was younger were a constant they never let me down I knew what to expect and I knew how I was gonna feel. Then I thought I found something better and gave up the only consistent thing in my life, went through hell giving it up too, but I felt good about myself when I was with him. That lasted about a year and trust me it has been all downhill from there. I have 9 yrs clean from herion, but the past year and a half I ended up addicted to fent. What's the difference? I seem to have rationalized my addiction to myself I am not stealing to support my habit, I am not out on the street copping to get high, and in my own f**ked up mind the only one that is getting hurt is myself and I am willing to risk that because I have a great facade everyone thinks I have a perfectly stable life, hell people envy me, when deep down I envy them and the normalcy of their life. I am soo sorry for going off on a tangent I just have no one to vent to and honestly I feel alone, I haven't felt this alone in a long time and the messed up part is I am surrounded by people, how does that even make sense? Please forgive me I am sorry but also thank you whoever reads and or responds for actually caring about a complete stranger!
Tapering works for some people so I read on posts. But for most I see going CT. I think fentanyl may best be tapered. I would have to check on that. If you can CT then do it that way. Bc at least it doesn't prolong the agony of wd. Just my opinion. I have only been off my doc for 14 days and it's my first rodeo. But I tapered a little. Guess you could call it that. Went 5 one day to 3 next then 1 and next day 1/2. Then nothing. Of course it's been what everyone says they all felt. But I promise just waking up and not thinking about that crap has mellowed me out. Geeze the anxiety of all of it is so overwhelming. Even if you had rx you're counting and counting etc. Don't miss that constant mind game. I hope you got something or anything from my words. Stay strong and stay here. The wonderful people are so giving of their time and their past. It's almost unbelievable to know that they are here and really care what happens to us. Thanks guys for that.
Years of fighting this disease has taught me to be brutally honest, people think I am nasty but I am being real. So thank you. The difference between last time and this time is last time it was just me not we. And I can't be down like I was before, too much responsibilty on my back.
No the meds were not prescibed to me they were prescribed to my husband but he gave me some because I was hurting really bad. I don't have chronic pain issues so because of these circumstances going to the Dr isn't an option, it's either I come up with a taper schudule on my own or dt cold turkey. I know I have a lot of work to due hopefully I find the strength. Thanks for your concern and I will keep you posted!
No the meds were not prescibed to me they were prescribed to my husband but he gave me some because I was hurting really bad. I don't have chronic pain issues so because of these circumstances going to the Dr isn't an option, it's either I come up with a taper schudule on my own or dt cold turkey. I know I have a lot of work to due hopefully I find the strength. Thanks for your concern and I will keep you posted!
You are brutally honest and that is a huge step in getting clean. Not many people can do that so congrats on that hun!
Listen, all of this is doable. Pleasant? Heck no!! But you have been there before and you know what you are in for. And yes, I get that you need to be more responsible. Now you have people depending on YOU..so all the more reason to get it done.
The reason I said the Methadone is a bad idea is that it is hard to come off of if you don't get it right. That crap is nasty to say the least! If you go to a clinic they will do it "their" way and you will probably end up stuck on it. They don't like, or will not do, short detoxes because the profit isn't there. If you do it on your own you risk getting addicted to it. So what is the best way? I don't have that answer but Let's talk about a few things and maybe something will come up or someone else can make suggestions.
You stated that you have pain. I forget now, were you taking medication prescribed by your doctor for legitimate pain? If so, what if you went back to him/her and talked about that and see if they won't get you on something and do a proper taper with you. Does that sound doable? Again, if so, from there you can work down and get off but you also need to get a pm plan in place. If you have chronic pain issues this is going to keep popping up and the temptation is fierce.
I am glad to see hubby helping you but in order for you to STAY clean he is going to need to make some drastic changes. I won't even talk about his use, that is not on the table here. He needs to keep his meds locked up and out of your face.
You are in an unusual situation where it is right there. And yeah, I get that you like it. You need to find out how to un-like it.
You have a lot of work ahead of you lady and I do suggest that you take baby steps and get this done right. Make plans for the detox. Make plans for your pain mngt. Make plans to get the meds out of your reach...all of those things.
Keep talking and keep posting here. There is a diverse group of members and you will get a lot of suggestions.
Let me (us) know how you are doing.
Listen, all of this is doable. Pleasant? Heck no!! But you have been there before and you know what you are in for. And yes, I get that you need to be more responsible. Now you have people depending on YOU..so all the more reason to get it done.
The reason I said the Methadone is a bad idea is that it is hard to come off of if you don't get it right. That crap is nasty to say the least! If you go to a clinic they will do it "their" way and you will probably end up stuck on it. They don't like, or will not do, short detoxes because the profit isn't there. If you do it on your own you risk getting addicted to it. So what is the best way? I don't have that answer but Let's talk about a few things and maybe something will come up or someone else can make suggestions.
You stated that you have pain. I forget now, were you taking medication prescribed by your doctor for legitimate pain? If so, what if you went back to him/her and talked about that and see if they won't get you on something and do a proper taper with you. Does that sound doable? Again, if so, from there you can work down and get off but you also need to get a pm plan in place. If you have chronic pain issues this is going to keep popping up and the temptation is fierce.
I am glad to see hubby helping you but in order for you to STAY clean he is going to need to make some drastic changes. I won't even talk about his use, that is not on the table here. He needs to keep his meds locked up and out of your face.
You are in an unusual situation where it is right there. And yeah, I get that you like it. You need to find out how to un-like it.
You have a lot of work ahead of you lady and I do suggest that you take baby steps and get this done right. Make plans for the detox. Make plans for your pain mngt. Make plans to get the meds out of your reach...all of those things.
Keep talking and keep posting here. There is a diverse group of members and you will get a lot of suggestions.
Let me (us) know how you are doing.
I don't find any of what you said rude, so please don't think that. Honesty is the key so honestly I apprciate it. You are right about my best thinking getting me to where I am at. With the methadone situation I don't wanna be on it long turn I just thought it would help with the detox process and then I would detox off that and it would be easier and not as harsh. My husband didn't realize I was abusing it as bad as I was he thought he was helping my pain. He said that he is willing to do whatever it is that's helps me and that includes him abusing the meds, he will just take them as he is supposed to and they have him on a high enough dose it should help his CP (they have him on 350 mcg every 48 hr.) I can't blame him for my choices, I played him to get what I wanted he didn't wanna see me in pain because he loves me. He goes to the dr this week and gets his monthly rxs so to make it so I don't dt I put a 100 mcg patch on and so far so good I mean I don't feel great but it is tolerable, I know it's a bad idea to wear it but I can't dt hard I still have to take care of my normal life things and the people in my life. It's not like when I was a kid and got off dope, I am adult now and have a family and people that rely on me. I know that I can get through it I mean I have gotten through worse before and I want to be "normal" for those that love me, but it feels like a losing battle, because I like the way it makes me feel but I can not be dependent any longer. I forget what it's like to wake up and not need to take something to function. That's what I want again, and to be happy, cuz no matter what anyone says this s**t messes with ur mind and ur feelings. I want to enjoy the simple things that life has to offer and not worry about rxs and the $ to get them filled. Hell I went from 180 lbs to 130 lbs in 2 months, I had 4 kids and I don't look it besides the strech marks. People don't believe that I have 1 kid let alone 4 and the reason I want off is for them because they deserve better than the 1/2 of me they are getting, they are innocent in all this. Hopefully there will be suggestions on ways to minamize the detox and then I don't have to fight the physical aspect just the mental aspect, and honestly sometimes that's harder. Thanks for your time!
Hi & Welcome,
Like you, Heroin is my DOC. I haven't touched it in almost 23 years but I did relapse on pain medication, much like you. I began taking it for legitimate reasons and then on to getting it by any means I could. There comes a point where you need to realize that it is not the drugs that are the problem, you are the problem. I don't say that to be rude by any means. I had to come to that realization before I could get help. It didn't matter what drugs I took, I abused anything I could get and that is what makes me an addict. My behavior and my thinking make me an addict, not the drugs I use.
I got clean and relapsed before and now I am working my recovery and have a few years clean under my belt. I need to stay humble, open-minded and vigilant.
I don't know what to tell you about the Methadone. I think it is a real bad idea. From all that you wrote it seems you cannot control your usage and I get that. There comes a time when you surrender and let someone help you. The "I can't do this because" is a road block in every direction. Again, I understand but you need to do whatever it takes to get and stay clean. There can be no "buts". You cannot be in charge and you cannot continue to self-medicate. It isn't going to work. Your best thinking and your best ideas landed you here. Am I right?
So, tell me what you are willing to do, beside the Methadone, and how will you handle living with someone who is also abusing his medication and enabling you to use? We will be here to support you and make suggestions in whatever you do.
Glad you found your way here and hope you stick around. Because of the holiday it is quiet so be patient as the responses come in but please, keep talking. It does help.
Like you, Heroin is my DOC. I haven't touched it in almost 23 years but I did relapse on pain medication, much like you. I began taking it for legitimate reasons and then on to getting it by any means I could. There comes a point where you need to realize that it is not the drugs that are the problem, you are the problem. I don't say that to be rude by any means. I had to come to that realization before I could get help. It didn't matter what drugs I took, I abused anything I could get and that is what makes me an addict. My behavior and my thinking make me an addict, not the drugs I use.
I got clean and relapsed before and now I am working my recovery and have a few years clean under my belt. I need to stay humble, open-minded and vigilant.
I don't know what to tell you about the Methadone. I think it is a real bad idea. From all that you wrote it seems you cannot control your usage and I get that. There comes a time when you surrender and let someone help you. The "I can't do this because" is a road block in every direction. Again, I understand but you need to do whatever it takes to get and stay clean. There can be no "buts". You cannot be in charge and you cannot continue to self-medicate. It isn't going to work. Your best thinking and your best ideas landed you here. Am I right?
So, tell me what you are willing to do, beside the Methadone, and how will you handle living with someone who is also abusing his medication and enabling you to use? We will be here to support you and make suggestions in whatever you do.
Glad you found your way here and hope you stick around. Because of the holiday it is quiet so be patient as the responses come in but please, keep talking. It does help.
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