Who am I?

[erienhart33]

So my name is Eric I'm 31 now & have been addicted to opiates pretty heavy for many years. So 110 days ago I decided that I needed help. Help included some time at rehab and about 3 months in a supported living place. More to the point about 2 weeks ago I decided to move about 2 blocks away from my oldest daughter. At best I've been an every other weekend Dad, behind on support and blowing off birthdays. A real jerk. Now I'm in it, library multiple times a week, I'm a student so we do homework together, which I love! Things are going good and for the most pay she's pretty happy lil girl now. I'm grateful to have this chance, apparently I have a pretty forgiving daughter. I'm struggling to find me. I've started taking classes, but I've not done anything that hasn't revolved around drugs since 14 years old. I've never lived in this world, I've got my own place for the first time in my life I'm completely independent and sober. I've no clue how to be a Dad, never had one & I haven't really been one until now. This is all so new to me that it's kinda scary, I'm really good at ******* things up; the one thing I've been consistent at. When I stopped using and got help, I walked away from everything and everyone. Family friends didn't matter, I WA gonna get clean or die trying to, I was 135 pounds when I checked in & today I'm 175 our better & still shiny. Now I'm in the reacclimation stage in my voyage & I'm just lost, Who am I? That's what I'm working on now. Got over 100 days clean, actually took about 4 weeks to feel completely detoxed from methadone, it's bad but absolutely do-able.

[ang_811]

Yw... were addicts we don't like change. I used to have to get high to get out of bed. I mean I had the plate n spoon under my pillow. I had to b high to do anything and everything. It took alot for me to get used to doing things without gettin high n then one day it hit me..I was living life sober without drugs. What an awesome feeling. It gets better the longer we stay sober.

[erienhart33]

Thank you. For responding I mean.

[erienhart33]

That's exactly what I'm doing now. I feel like I'm teaching myself how to sit in a living room without drugs. I mean, if I did something it was in the drugs umbrella, you know getting, using, or thinking about how & **** like that. It's weird to me, never did it before! It's the little stuff. I shave and shower daily now & sadly that's new to me too. Was sleeping in my car until I sold it for dones. Don't have another car yet, but I've got a roof for the first tike in years. In a new area, there's no meetings here, I don't know anyone but my daughter, so I get online on my phone because I don't know where to go to turn on the internet! I don't like change!

[ang_811]

U mean getting bored with sobriety? If so then I have had times n my past where I did get bored only bc I felt so alone after getting rid of those so called friends and places. I was faced with a New life. That's where the program of aa and na came into play for me and u suddenly had New friends and we do stuff..fun stuff...and get this...WE DO IT SOBER. Like I said a new way of life. I get my moments where I feel like I hit a Plato and that's when that lil voice comes in and that's when I have to do the opposite of what that voice tells me to do. I know from my past when I get bored n sobriety I used to test myself n my recovery by going and hanging with old friends at those old places and then that's when I would relapse....I know what u mean when u say u have very few boxes. When I moved into my first apartment I had two boxes of my things. Now when I moved this time I had 4 boxes. So things do get better with time. Lol. I had to completely start over n everything and train myself how to live sober.

[erienhart33]

Sounds a lot like where I'm at now... I don't know where to go & pay the electric bill! I'm still in boxes, very few too. When I went to rehab I had 1 medium sized suitcase, roughly a weeks worth of clothes. It's all so brand ******* shiny new to me, I'm hoping it sticks. Always before I couldn't commit to anything & although I'm clean and cravings are not that bad for me I do worry that it could too loose it's shinyness(sobriety). If thats not addict thinking...your about 5 months longer than me, yours hasn't lost it's allure has it?

[ang_811]

That's awesome. I to was n the methadone trap and know how hard it can b. I'm a lil over 8 months clean. I realized I didn't know how to live. Like paying bills or having my own place. I didn't even know how or where to pay the electric bill. I'm learning. I'm starting to see the kinda person I am and from that I can say that I like me. I'm forgiving myself for what I've done n the past as I know today that wasn't me. It's alot of hard work but so worth it. U have alot going for u and people around u I'm sure can c the change but were always the last ones to know...keep doing what ur doing.