Day 1...again...for the first time.

[ejb1976]

"Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades". That saying is what I've got stuck in my head right now. I've tried to quit before, many times. Some of them while on this site. I'd say "with no luck", but it doesn't have anything to do with luck. It has to do with me hiding behind pills in order to avoid my life, and with me finding excuses to use. Like now. Day 1 means I'm going to be messy right up until Christmas. One side of my head says "just use a few pills to get you through, then quit in the new year", while the other side says "yah, because THAT works...just ask anyone who's ever been on a diet, or tried to quit smoking, or, well, anything".

So hello, Day 1. Again for the first time. We met just this past Saturday, I didn't think I'd see you again so soon. And it does always feel like the first time. As if I don't know what's coming. As if I've never been sick. Oh, no. Drug brain says "this is the worst thing you are ever going to go through and you will die and everything is wrong". Stupid drug brain. And stupid overuse of quotation marks, while I'm here.

Harumph.

To answer the two questions that get asked here of new (or new to you) posters:

What and how much: In short? YES. I'm a binger. I have prescriptions for both 90ct 10/325 hydros, and 90ct 50mg trams. I take one prescription until they're all gone, then the other until they're all gone, and still end up up a creek for a week at least every month. Math away.

What am I going to do differently this time? Not use anymore. Sorry, too obvious? Ok. I'm going to a) recognize and make active choices based on the understanding that my mind seeks outside things to heal my pain but, much like validation, it's something that must come from within and b) I've got a psychiatrist appt, who will help me with depression and anxiety and can refer me to a psychologist to deal with the non-chemical bits that have gone pear-shaped. P.S. No suboxone for me.

Gah. Crabby. Positive attitude FAIL.

[Whollymolythathurt]

Hows' it going girl?  Day 2 yet?  Crossing fingers.....

[brandiroars386]

You have a very good head on your shoulders.  You have thought it through, and don't like how the tape ends.  It's a huge step to take, but you can do it with the plans you have made.  We are hear for you, post any questions, gain support through us as well.

[Kbusymom]

Welcome back; it sounds like you have a plan in place.  I kept relapsing over and over before I cut my sources.  It's so important to shut that door.
Keep posting and sharing; we are here for you.  

[ejb1976]

Thanks, that was kinda my thought, as well. My addiction had impacted my sister and mom but, with 2000 miles between us, it's going to take some delicacy to sort out.

[IBKleen]

If you don't need to tell your family for any good reason then wait on that and when it right you will know. Get through the physical detox first.

[ejb1976]

They're renewed on a monthly basis, so there was no need to cancel. I do, however, need to not ask for more when I see my doc on the 18th. And tell her I'm an addict.

On the plus side, my husband and friends know.

My family is very far away, and I'm conflicted on whether to tell them or not.

[IBKleen]

Did you cancel those prescriptions? Set yourself up for success!