Day 20 and making a few changes!

[Sarah11212]

Today is day 20 for me and the anxiety is on the rise this morning.
Some changes need to be made in my life and I have never been good with change but I know it's something I have to do to protect my clean time.
I know these things may sound silly to some but I'm asking for everyone's thoughts and prayers today...
My daughter is going to daycare for the first time, I am applying for a job and I have an intake appt for addiction counseling today.
Since being clean, it can be a struggle just to go to the store and feel normal. Life is now new and feels "raw" so today is really going to test me.
Love you all and hope everyone has a great day!
I will continue to "Fight the Fight".

[LostNoMore]

wow...I can really relate to how you're feeling. I'm on day 18 and i have the same anxieties and "dis-ease" floating around my brain. I think it's a normal part of detox. I know it will get better. Trust that time is your best friend now.
The more days that go by clean, the better you will feel. I think you're doing the right things. Stay busy, and walk through the fear!

[Jimmy1975]

That anxiety will pass with time I promise ! I am an anxiety expert ! It was the worse part of recovering for me but it does go away so hang in there and congratulations on your new life !  Jimmy

[lulu747]

Script...
I'm happy that you saw the doctor and hope that the medications give you some relief.  Do go easy on yourself...

I know on a personal level that you want to get everything done now that you have your life back...It's way too much pressure.  It takes time and patience to rebuild....My addictions counsellor told me I was doing too much as a way of avoiding sitting with my yucky feelings...And she was right.
Start with small goals that you can accomplish that will make you feel good about yourself...and give yourself a break.  Recovery takes time and is accumulative.  When do you start your aftercare?  

Lu

[Sarah11212]

Back from the Dr'soffice.
She would NOT put me on any type of Benzo with my addiction history.
She did put me on Paxil for depression and Vistaril for anxiety.
We'll see how it goes.

[ImDONENoMore]

I think you're putting WAY too much pressure on yourself right now.  It's only been 20 days and already you're out there trying to put your best face forward and go on a job interview?  Oh my goodness - seriously you need to take a few steps back and remove those pressures from your life.

I know we all have to work but perhaps you should try to find a job that won't create too much stress?  At least for the time being.  And then when you're feeling better/stronger, you can focus on finding work that you really want.  But seriously you are trying to do TOO much right now.

And I couldn't agree more with lulu about the benzos.  Honestly, I think my detox took as long as it did (I quit xanax and tramadol on the same day almost a year and half ago) but the lingering effects/symptoms from the benzo withdrawal was far worse than what the opiates did to me.  Please, if there are any other options for you please consider them.  Getting off the benzo was a lot harder for me.  And it took a really long time before I felt well - in fact, some of the articles I've read say it could take up to TWO years before you fully get past the damage done from taking benzos.

Please, see if the Dr. can provide another alternative.  Maybe, given your high blood pressure, clonidine would be the way to go?

[Sarah11212]

I had anxiety/depression issues for 13 plus years prior to opiates.
I had been on seroquel and lorazepam for aprox 8 years before becoming pregnant w/ my daughter in 2010. I stopped taking both when I found out I was pregnant and haven't been on them since.  I never noticed any negative effects when stopping them.  After having her, post partum set in badly. At the time, the insurance I had would not pay for the seroquel so my OB prescribed me Celexa.

[lulu747]

Script...
Deep breath.  Did you know that most anxiety is caused by shallow breathing?  Not getting enough oxygen to your cells and brain.  This is why deep breathing exercise, meditation, and yoga are so beneficial.  At 20 days your body and brain have been through a lot and have not found their balance yet.  Do you remember having anxiety pre-opiates, and if so, what did you do to deal with it then?  
I can't tell you what to do as far as the benzo is concerned...Only share my personal experience..Which is-2.5 years ago I detoxed off opiates..I had bad anxiety and started a benzo...Then I had several surgeries, back on opiates and wasn't sleeping so my doc put me on a higher dose, longer acting benzo...
Here I am, 59 days c/t off opiates and still tapering off that benzo....They are highly addictive and your body gets dependant on them quickly.  They are not fun to detox from.  At all.  That being said, if your BP is sky rocketing and it's causing health issues, then you need to discuss with a doctor.  Please be honest with the doc about your addiction.

We reach for pills so quickly to deal with issues...They are often a temporary solution and can make for far worst problems down the road...Finding holistic solutions takes more work and trial/error but the results are life-changing....Really think about it and do your research.  It's your life after all...And there is nothing more important than your life...
Lu

[Sarah11212]

Well, here I am, back at home.
How did the day go?  Not too well.
Between being w/out my daughter all day and the anxiety things didn't go as planned today.
My first stop was applying for a job. Pulled in the parking lot and had an anxiety attack.
Other things on the list included the grocery store and Target. It was all I could do to go into the grocery store and Target was no better as I forget what I was even there for.
Next was lunch w/ a friend. Lunch was $25.60. Found out later in the day that the restaraunt charged my card, $2560.00 instead of $25.60.  Of course anxiety quickly set in.
Last on my to do list was my intake/counseling appt which is a damn good thing I went to.
The counselor said in her 23 years of counseling, she had never seen anyone display as much anxiety as I did.
She contacted a Dr for me and scheduled an appt for tmrw AM.
I know you all say that Benzo's is not the way to go but I cannot handle the anxiety anymore.
Unless there is something else they can give me.
My blood pressure is dangerously high today which is from the anxiety. I have to do something.
What are everyone's suggestions on the situation?

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 20 days!!  You are doing great!  Hold your head high as you have much to be proud of.  If at any time you feel overwhelmed today, sit back and take some deep breaths and then continue on.  Just take baby steps~~sara

[lulu747]

Script...
I am so proud of you for the huge steps you are taking on the road to recovery!  The decisions you are making will set you up for success and so feel good about yourself!  Life is going to test you in every way....Remember-we can't control it, only our choices and reactions.  Recovery means learning how to live again...Crawling before we walk, walking before we run....Keep making these brave choices and your clean time will accumulate....And be proud of yourself....
Congratulations on 20 days!
Lu

[aim1023]

So crazy how all of our stories are so similar
. Almost everytime I read a post I feel like I could have wrote it myself word for word. I'm praying for you this morning!  I understand 100% how you feel especially about being a mom with work and the whole daycare thing.. I've always been a stay at home mom for both my kids and I work from home.. I myself have even considered of maybe getting a part time job just to get me out the house! Just too much anxiety leaving my baby..(oldest one in school) just wanted to say from one mom to another YOU are NOT alone! Prayers for u this morning!

[ready2bfree49]

I understand too....No one but another addict will completely understand....If it makes you feel any better I'm coming off of methadone after being on it for 7 years!! I do not even remember what it's like to be normal/sober. It sounds like you're doing everything right so far :) for the aniexty my doctor put me on Buspar which is a non narcotic anxiety med. I've seen several suggestions for xanax or valium but for me personally , I would just end up eating them all :( even if I had the best intentions.......addiction is a really sneaky disease , It will mess with your head bad... Good Luck !!!!!!!

[Sarah11212]

Thanks Mike!
I'll post later in the day.

[MikeInFrance]

Hey hey... I totally know what u mean by just going to the store and struggling to feel normal. I find myself so calm almost like I am just 'there' watching everything and other times I try not to make eye contact with anyone because I think they will know what happened just by looking at me. And I was never someone like that before. I was so confident any time I walked into a room.  I know we are both exhausted! This was a long road these past 18-20 Days for us and there is so much more to come I already know. Its great u r going out though because sittin around or avoiding people never helps. & each day that passes is a huge distance between us and our days of using. Look at it like this sometimes....if this didn't really put u though hellll like it has been doing then it would be so easy to slip back! But I never wanna experience this again!! Let me know how your day went....probably nowhere near as uncomfortable as you thought....that's how it has been for me anyway...til later...