Day one - no vicodin

[luciddreamrgrl]

Today is day one. I have not had a vicodin since 8am yesterday. I'm starting to really feel the effects but they are managable so far.

I got back from an inpatient rehab this morning. I had a very bad experience there but I will not post what went down because I don't want to discourage people from getting help. I'm sure they are wonderful for some but as it turned out it was a terrible situation for me. I would say it did more harm than good in my case. Again, there are many wonderful outpatient facilities but this one was horrible. Don't let it disuede you from going to one.

I have all of my Thomas recipe pills laid out and ready. My primary doctor gave me blood pressure and nausea meds. Unfortunately nothing for anxiety which is my worst symptom right now. I can handle it though.

I have a sever headache. I am dizzy and very very tired. As soon as I finish typing this I'm going to try and take a nap.

I'm going to continue going to outpatient therapy and have a very strong support system here at home.

When I went to pick up my meds, there at the register were red bands. If you donated to the charity, then you received a red bracelet. On the band it states, "my heart my life". I contributed to the charity and plan on wearing this band every day throughout my recovery. To me it symbolizes something very meaningful. My worst fear of not being on vicodin is my fear that I won't be the same as I was while on the pills. I bought this bracelet while sober. I contributed to charity while sober. Every time I worry about being a different person while sober, I will look down at this bracelet and remember that I was a good charitable person before the pills and I will continue to be a good charitable person while off them.

This is my body, my mind, my soul, my heart and my life! This will not beat me. I'm going to learn from this and never touch a vicodin as long as I live.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of my life.

Light and love,

Sarah.

[atthebeach]

Sarah
That is so awesome.congrats on your clean time.you are doing great.
Good job on the therapist.that is so important.
Yea your son is home that is beautiful
I am so happy for you and so proud of you.
You are a winner.
Keep the faith. Be strong.keep pressin on.keep fighting the good fight.
HE is able to do great and mighty things on your behalf
Hugs and continued blessings to you
Debbie

[luciddreamrgrl]

Hey all. Day 9 woohoooo! I'm headed to the therapist and hoping to get released to go back to work on Monday. I went and picked up my son last night and it went really well. I just wanted everyone to know it can be done. I don't feel 100 percent but each day gets a little better than the last. So hang on to all the hope you have and don't let that stupid little pill control your life.

[luciddreamrgrl]

Ok girl I'll really force the fluids. I went for a walk last night. I took off work for 2 weeks. I know I have to get out more I really do. Tomorrow I'm going to run errands with my boyfriend to get some sunshine. Thanks for the advice and support. It's been such a great help :)

[atthebeach]

sarah,
you really need to drink more. even mild dehydration causes energy loss and makes you tired. on a normal day we are supposed to drink 64oz. sounds like your eyeballs will float.
during detox the fluids help to flush out the poisons and toxins. also if you are sweating alot you are losin the fluids quicker.
eat small amounts at a time,soup,crackers,toast,milk shakes,yogurt,smoothies,fruit,
have you been working? or off?
have you beem taking walks?

[luciddreamrgrl]

Ok I'll take it off. Thanks. Yes luckily I'm eating, not much though. I would say I've had 3 12 oz gatorades today.

[atthebeach]

dont take the clonidine anymore.
your bp is low, the clonidine will make it lower.
are you eating?
how much do you think you drank? ounces?
what are you drinking gatorade,juices,water?

[luciddreamrgrl]

No I don't have one. I went to the drug store yesterday and it was 109/72. I'm trying to drink as much as possible but today has been rough on me.

[atthebeach]

sarah,
if you are getting dizzy you arent drinking enourgh. push the fluids
do you have a bp cuff?

[luciddreamrgrl]

Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. It's always a big help to me when someone responds to my posts.

I would just like to tell you that I already had an underlying anxiety disorder that has been exasperated by the withdrawals. I have only 1 week's worth of xanx and plan to stop that completely. My doc gave me the clonodine was because when I went into his office, my bp was 160/90. I'm thinking of taking it off though because I'm getting dizzy when I stand up. I am taking everything form the thomas recipe daily. It's been a godsend. I was able to get by only taking 1 phenergen today because I was so nauseas this morning when I woke up. I have had trouble sleeping anyways and have always taken OTC sleeping pills. I'm actually going for a sleep study next month for that.

I wish you well on your journey and stay strong! Message me anytime you want.

[JPGreenjeans]

lucid, like you I started my exodus from this life a few days ago, Sep 2 to be exact so a day behind you.  I felt like the first two days were bad but the 3rd hit me hard, then the 4th wasn't much better.  I think what happens is that there is still residual chemical (from me percs), that take a bit of time to remove themselves from the system then it hits.  For me this whole experience as been rather rough to say the least, I don't think I was spared much from the w/d systems at all.  Although I was at such a high daily use (probablly 80mg/day on a light day at that), probably the reason why.  It almost fells like there's a demon in me that is dying and its trying its damnedest to get me back to life.  Just to everyone, remember you are going to be better for this by removing that demon from inside you, and he's tricky as all hell.  Its tough but just remember you'll be that much tougher if you can do this.  At least thats what I keep telling myself.  

And lucid, as far as your experience this morning, I would say phenergen at 2:30 may have been the culprit.  I know it sounds like tough love but I would almost bet on it.  My counselor recommended I do all natural detox, vitamins, supplements, nothing NOTHING he said synthetic being clonidine, xanax, even tylenol PM for sleep. His point was that those only things make you have an addiction to them. Now this has been rather hard to follow and I've keep true to it expect the OTC sleeping pills.  If I didn't take I'd lay awake ALL night and its a horrible feeling.  In fact even with them I only get 4 good hrs a night but I think I'm going to try without tonight, we'll see.  For the natural detox, I went to GNC and loaded up on mostly everything that is on the Thomas recipe if you want pointers on what that would consist of.  

Remember, number one, that none of that stuff (from vitamin regiment) is going to be the miracle fix during detox but my help in the smallest bit to help with the w/d's if their as bad as mine as been, and every little bit helps.

Lastly, I have been reading these posts since (my) day 1 and today is the first day that I had enough stamina to sit and type. I have to say that reading and posting about pain pill w/d's with other people that are going through it has been therapeutic as well.

I keep all of the other fighters out there in my thoughts, we can do this!
Jordan

[luciddreamrgrl]

Thank you all. I needed your encouragement this morning. I'm still very optimistic but...

of course there is a but.. Day 5. I woke up feeling like a train hit me. My head is pounding. My appetite is completely gone and I was eating really good. I'm choking down gatorade right now. For the first time I had trouble sleeping. I woke up around 230 and had to take more phenergen to get back to sleep. I hope this is my peak day. I really do because so far I feel I've gotten off easy. I feel like crying the depression is so bad. I'm thankful I have antidepressents. My stomach is in knots. No diarrhea yet which is a MIRACLE since chronic diarrhea is part of my disease.

So I have some questions.

Should I begin taking the l tyrosine now? I've read that taking L tyrosine during the detox phase is not a good idea because it can make the insomnia and anxiety worse. At what day should I start taking it?

Is it possible that some people have their bad days later in their withdrawals? Like day 5-7?

I feel like I need some therapy today but I don't have an appointment til friday. :( So I think I'm gonna go give some encouragement to other members. Maybe it will make me feel better. I just have to hold on to the fact that I can use this horrible situation for good.

Light and Love, and Stay strong fellow addicts.

Sarah

[atthebeach]

sarah,
day 4 and on to day 5. congratulations!!!! you are doing fabulous.
you are right inpatient isnt for everyone. your use didnt  warrant inpatient.
the outpatient is great and i am so glad that you are embracing it.
continue to be postive ,remember mind over matter is most of the battle.
the support of your bf and your family is really great. you are going to be just fine.
i believe that with all my heart.
you go girl.
hugs and prayers
debbie

[Dane74]

You have such an amazing outlook on all of this and thats AWESOME!!! Keep up the good work you are doing great.  I am 70 days clean and still do not have an optimist attitude like you, your post are inspiring, keep it up, i wish you the best.  I pray for the day i can say NEVER again, me personally im just not there yet.

[FassFeat]

Honestly, Day 4 was my worst day. I believe things will start to improve for you going forward. You are doing great, Congrats on day 4. I couldnt understand mookie's post and I have been sober for over a year. Let it roll off.  Best to you, just wanted to send you some positive vibes. Andrew

[vicki595]

Dreamgirl:  Don't you just love Tramahater???   Yes,go to bed earlier and just enjoy it. I love bed!!  It's safe and it's cozy and I could conduct my entire life from bed, if only they'd let me!!

[luciddreamrgrl]

Thank you tramahater. I'm going to try and overlook mookie's post. Maybe he/she is going through withdrawals and is in a bad mood.

For the record I am in a very good outpatient program which is helping me immensely. Inpatient just isn't for everyone and just because it wasn't for me doesn't mean it wouldn't help some.

I'm keeping my chin up as much as possible! The depression is setting in really bad now. And on top of it I'm all alone because my boyfriend is at work tonight. Just having someone near me helps to cheer me up. I think I'll go to bed early tonight.

[LeaAnn807]

Do you feel like that post was helpful?  

And, dreamgirl, you're right.  Unless there is an underlying condition, narcotic WD does not cause seizures.  Keep your chin up sweetie!  

[luciddreamrgrl]

I'm not sure what you mean but I did have an inpatient/outpatient typo in there somewhere. And the person I was directing comments to was on vicodin like me. You will not die or get seizures from vicodin withdrawal. Its mostly just very uncomfortable. If she was taking benzos or anything else I would not tell her what I've been telling her.

[mookie377]

What was it,you said inpatient,then you go on to say theres plenty of (Good out Patient) is it me or are you looking for a Do-it Yourself Approach.!! Im sure any program better than the Thomas Resipe.That good for some Granola -Pot smoking Hippie,but your if im-correct on a heavy dose of Narcotics,and theres a chance of complications.Like a Seizure,whats the thomas recipe say about that.i would at the least seek a drs directed approach.When we dont like things(rehab) we have to ask ourselves will we go to any length to get Clean,or only use our own Selfwill. Best of  Luck John

[ImDONENoMore]

I couldn't agree with you more on the feeling better about yourself part of this process.

Your mind and your thinking is such a HUGE part of this process - you simply have to feel positive about your decision to quit and not like you're making some huge sacrifice (that kind of thinking will cause you to fail EVERY time).  When you know in your heart you're doing the best thing for yourself it makes all the difference in the world.

Well said.  :)

[luciddreamrgrl]

Coward (courageous) I sent you a PM.

Atthebeach, Thank you. I really am starting to feel so good about this decision. I can't believe I was so scared before. This really isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Day 4 is here and I feel pretty bad this morning but I'm trucking through. I'm tired. I can't believe the diarrhea hasn't started yet. What's up with that? I have a gastro disease. I'm starting to wonder if my withdrawals are delayed somehow because of that. I'm very depressed but I haven't had any cravings yet like I did yesterday. Yesterday the cravings were so bad. I told my boyfriend I wanted to go knocking on doors just to find a vicodin lol. Of course I didn't but it is what it is. The leg cramps are bad too.

Anywho, I wanted to tell everyone who is on a low dose of vicodin like me that this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't let the fear of withdrawals stop you from quitting. It is the BEST decision I have ever made.

When I left the rehab facility AMA, The doctor told me, "This is addict behavior your presenting. You just want to leave so you can use." Yeah right. I'm doing everything in my power to prove him wrong. It's all about making a bad situation into something good. So my fellow addicts, please stay strong. Find something good to focus your energy on. Volunteer somewhere, PM a fellow member of this board that is going through a rough time. Do something nice for a friend or family member. The better you feel about yourself, the easier it is to get through.

Light and Love,

Sarah

[atthebeach]

hey sarah,
you sound great. i am so happy for you and so very proud.
what a beautiful post.
you are winning this battle and you are waving your banner high. keep on waving it.
you are going to shine so brightly.
that is wonderful that you now know exactly where you need to focus your energy,on helping others.
you can comfort others with the same comfort that you received.
nothing is more wonderful.
GOD is so faithful.
sending blessings and hugs
debbie

[looking up]

Thank you for writing me back and I think I will change my name if I can figure out how to.  I am taking about 8 7.5, a day, I know that is alot and that is why I need to get off of these things.  It is a prescription that, of course, doesnt last so I get more from someone I know that also has a prescription.  Every month I run short and wonder what I am gonna do.  I didnt use to take that many, I dont know what happened to me.  I have 16 left .  Today, it was very hard to get through the day without taking more.  I went to a friends house (they take no drugs) and stayed there all day and didnt bring any vicodin with me so I couldnt take any.  Of course, I am craving one now but am gonna go to sleep instead.  I do have ativan to help me with anxiety, they make me very tired and I do things in the day so I cant sleep all day.  I am getting anxious just admitting all this to you.  I am gonna go for now.  PLEASE KEEP IN TOUCH IF YOU CAN.  Good luck to you and stay proud of yourself.  I am happy to hear that you can trust yourself not to ever take another pill.  I cannot wait till that time has come for me.  ..................... coward for now

[luciddreamrgrl]

Hello coward. You should not have picked that name! It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a problem. It did for me and everyone else on this board. Even if you relapse, just get back up and dust yourself off and try again.

I would like to ask you how many you take a day and for how long you've been taking them. Are they legally prescribed for you or do you buy them off the street?

I was taking 3 7.5/650 a day. I was not planning on weening until atthebeach (debbie) recommended I do so. It was very very hard for me but all I did was take 2 pills for 2 days and then on my last day I only took 1. Weening is not for everyone. I found that weening slowly was not an option for me because I didn't have control over how many I took. If I had them, I took them. So I waited until I ran out. I took them normally up until 3 days before I ran out. Maybe that can be an option for you. But you HAVE to call your doctors and tell them not to give you any more or you will risk relapse. You have to cut off your sources.

I would like to add that I timed my ween to coincide with my outpatient addiction therapy session. I took my last pill on that day. after speaking with my therapist I had a lot more confidence to quit completely. When I got home from the appointment, I ceremoniously flushed my "back up" pills with support from my boyfriend. That way I would not be tempted to take a nucynta or ultram.

I also want to give you some hope. I was so scared about the withdrawals. I cried and cried before even stopping. I let the anxiety of it all disrupt my life before I even quit. And now I'm sitting here on day 3 and thinking, wow this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sure I have the leg cramps and restless legs. I have high bp and fast heart rate. I have cravings and I feel like I have the flu. But each minute that goes by gets easier and easier. Today and tomorrow are supposed to be the worst days and I'm already considering going for a walk and to the grocery store later! Who would have thought? Me being able to function without my pills!

And now? Now I'm thinking there is a reason that this happened to me. atthebeach has been chatting with me privately and now I'm thinking about doing what she is doing. I feel a calling. I feel that God is giving me this horrible situation so that I may be able to better help other people. I'm in nursing school. Maybe I can get out and become a rehab nurse or a councilor or anything else so that I may be able to use my experience to do good in this world. I know deep down that I will never touch another pill because if I did, I couldn't help others.

Just say to yourself, This is my body, my heart, my soul and my life! I will not let this stupid pill control everything I do. I will put it down and I will be a BETTER person because of it. So Coward (courageous as I will call you) When will be the first day of the rest of your life?

Light and Love,

Sarah