Will I ever be better?

[Christina99]

59 days in and have no delusions about myself, so I cancelled a dentist appointment because I know I can T3's out of him. There just T3's for gods sake!! I'm going to ruin everything I've done for lousy T3's?! Ya probably!! Mentally I feel no better than I did 2 months ago! What am I doing wrong???

[Christina99]

Back atcha Tex!! Let's stay connected! Thanks for sharing your 60 day Milestone! 62 tomorrow!! Ya right now is tough and I'm nit sure why?  Maybe we can figure some stuff out together!
Hugs, Chris

[texaslady68]

You are so right.  Maybe we can help each other not beat ourselves up or we can beat each other up? lol  Do not get me wrong, I am proud of 60 Days, it is just really tough as you know..You be proud too lady.

[Christina99]

Ah Texas I know! Maybe this isnt a milestone, even though I think it should be, but a rough patch in our recovery! U know that 60 days is huge!!! U need to be proud of yourself and so do I! Maybe 90 days and we'll quit beating ourselves up over this! That's what I'm waiting for!!

[texaslady68]

Amen Sista.  Hardest thing I have ever done in my ENTIRE life. Alot of days I do not even feel like I am hanging on...More like Free Falling

[Christina99]

Thanks for that!!! Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on by a nail! People who aren't here just don't get it! I should be proud, trying to feel proud of myself but Damnit it's hard! Working on it!

[texaslady68]

Christina,

I know how you are feeling.  I did not even announce my 60 Day milestone except on  your thread because I just didnt feel good about it for some reason.  I was supposed to start outpatient rehab a month ago and my job was full of deadlines at that time so I could not get there by 6 p.m. 3 nights per week. I think it is going to make all the difference in the world because I am carrying around so many issues from childhood, past relationships, divorce years ago, etc...

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try and refocus my mind when it starts to stray to bad thoughts.

[ricart70]

if you weren't doing anything right you would not have 60 days.You are doing great.Sometimes all we can do is stay clean for this day.Don't worry and keep going.You will be Rewarded!!   good job   you are an inspiration  because it's easy to keep going when you feel great but the real strength that pays off is keeping going (like you are)  when it's not going so great

[Christina99]

Thanks and it is 60 days!! Milestone ya know! Lol! But I don't feel like I'm doing anything "right" ya know? But whatever day by day right?

[addict3]

You are not doing anything wrong. Sometimes it just takes a while.
Hang in there! You will make it!
Keep your guard up and congrats on 59 days!

[Christina99]

Thanks everyone for posting! I know I sound like a "Debbie Downer" just can't help it right now! It will get better! I know I have "work" to do on myself and am so thankful for this site!! I've been on here for 51 days and not sure I would have made it this far without all these kind words from such great people!!!

[vicki595]

Christina- Are you involved in any type of aftercare/recovery care? Usually, it helps this part...

[texaslady68]

Christina,

Congrats on Day 52. I am Day 60 and finally had to get on an anti depressant because I was just not getting better mentally.  Do not get me wrong, I would have happy days and I do laugh alot, but I was having some very DARK days too.  I have been on them only a week so I do not really know how they are going to work but seem to be  feeling some better,

I have alot of back pain and had an epidural procedure plus an office visit and it is just soooo hard when i know all I have to do is ask the doctor for my soma, and norco.  I have also been having severe panic attacks due to a super high stress job that I am just now learning how to deal with in my right mind and the pressure is getting me.  i was recently prescribed xanax; a very low dose and I only take when I feel an attack coming on and they have really helped.  I dont know if it is all in my mind because I have the pills, but they seem to be less frequent and some days i do not take any

So do not feel alone in your struggles, there are quite a few people here with you..  

[ricart70]

Hi Christina,  Sorry you are still not feeling that great.Some of us get on a pink cloud when we quit and go on and on about how great everything is.Some of us just aren't super blissful people though.That is ok.Sometimes I make a list of the things that are wrong and then go back a month later and check if it has changed.
Are you staying active and exercising?  An antidepressant is also an option you could look into .  I know my days are not full of rainbows and dancing bears but they are alot better than they were when I was at 10 -20 days clean.   I also had two and a half years clean before this last relapse and It did take around seven months for some of the nagging and dark thoughts to go away and get me on a more even keel so hang in there and it will get better.Just don't give up.   Awesome job on your 60 days!!!
btw  are you sleeping ok and eating well?

[kyle505]

Christina:
I'm right behind you - day 52. Although I do feel better mentally than I did at the beginning, I too fight the temptation every day, and know that I always will. My left knee just went out - a meniscus (sp?) tear. Painful, and an opportunity to get my drug of choice, Norco. However, I'd emailed my doc and told him that I was an addict, so that made things easier. Instead of pills, I got a cortisone (sp?) shot and physical therapy.  I put up lots of roadblocks during my detox, and I know that doing that has helped me mentally - I'm proud of myself.
I really wish you the best...Your clean time is fantastic; I hope that soon you'll be able to enjoy what you've done.