Dealing with the mental part of oxy detox - Advice???

[februarystars]

I've been reading forums on oxy WD for months, this is my first time posting.
A lil about my story....in short form
A few years ago, I was a victiim of a violent crime, and my world turned upside down. I turned to oxy for relief and a way to cope with the trauma I occured. I have been using oxy for a year and a half, almost everyday. I've tried pretty much everything to help with the WD when I try to get clean. Methadone, Kratom, Thomas recipie, lopermide, ST suboxone, CT,  you name it.  Ive gone to a detox facility and daytox and depression clinics. I also tried NA as well. The physical part *****...of course, but Im finding the mental part the worse, and usually end up relapsing after a week clean. I currently snort em, and my tolerance is about 400mg/day. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, and  Depression. I get so ridiculously depressed during WD, and sometimes have suicidal thoughts.  I go to councelling once a week and have for over a year, I dont find it helpful. I know its probably because the mind can't heal when its messed up on pain killers. I dont really use anymore to get high, but more to feel "noraml" and not sick. My addiction is a secret from my family and most of my friends. The amount of guilt I hold inside is over whelming and assists with the depression. I also hold a lot of guilt, not only being a closet addict, but I have "survivors guikt" associated with PTSD.  
Ive studied oxy addiction, PTSD, depression a lot.... and feel that Im quite educated on all the subjects.  I dont even know why Im posting.  I just feel so lost. Im definatly at rock bottom- Ive spent all of my savings, pushed all of my friends outta my life, have done things during my addiction that I never thought I would ever do, maybe I just need to vent, or I need confirmation that Im not alone, or am in need of hearing other ppls stories that have been in a similar situation to mine. I dont know. I feel like a waste of life and a worthless piece of sh*t.  Im 30 YO-  Im unemployed,  I lost my business that I worked tirelessly for for 12 years due to the crime I endured. I had to move back home with my paretns because I pretty much lost my independence from the crime as well. I had so many dreams and accomjplishments I had planned before I hit 30....that all got smushed because of effin criminals. I feel very gratedful to have survived the crime...but feel like an idiot for wasting it on drugs.
Does anybody out there know how |I feel? HAve ideas or answers that have worked for them to get thru this mess? Id love anybodys imput, Im desperate. Thank you in advance for reading this post, and any feedback in truly appreciated.

PS. Im currently on 100mg of  Zoloft (SSRI) for about 2 months, and it doesnt do much at all. My doc just perscribed me 25mg Serequol a few days ago to help assist the anti depressent.

Take Care of eachother,
-FebruaryStars

[Sonrissa]

Hi Februarystars! Congratulations on your clean time! That is amazing! Keep moving forward and reaching out for support! You will make it! Take care and I wish you all the best!  big hug!!

[februarystars]

I never ever thought Id feel this way ever again.

I apologize for not posting during my WD. I am sober. Only a week, but Im sober. This is the longest Ive been sober in a few years...and I feel good. This time my mentality is very different, and its helped immensely. It could have been a lot of different factors that contributed to this week, whatever it was....Im forever grateful. I did a very ST sub detox, had a friend over for support, soaked the sun up for min 4 hrs a day, nourished my body, watched motivational videos when i was down.......many different things than my usual detox routine. Could have been my meds finally working too...who knows.

Support:

I thought I was getting support. Thru select friends and going to councelling, I figured I was ok. This time, I had my best friend stay with me during the first fragile few days. The days I needed the most encouragement, positivity and motivaation.  He made me get outta bed, and go outside to enjoy the sun. Man does sun do wonders!!!!
I just want to let anybody out there know, that support in some way is essential in recovery. Since my addiction was a secret from my family and most of my friends....I felt like the only support I had was from outside resources (coucelling, NA, group). When I had support from somebody that loves me,,,,it was a HUGE difference. I felt like I was important, and that my recovery isnt only affecting ME. I was inspired to get clean for the people that love me, and not just for myself.
Im continuing councelling, attending depression groups, starting PTSD/addiction group tommorrow, am considering NA this week.

SUPPORT ~ Together Lets Recover......

[salsinator]

Congratulations on day one Stars.  We all support you here and will be thinking about you each and every day.  Post here often, we will support you.

[Pat1956100]

WE ARE DOING THIS.
Most of your story is so similar to mine.  I wasn't a crime victim but I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression due to grief and the way my husband died.  I too used percocets and oxy to get me through what I couldn't handle at the time.
I have tried and tried to quit but if you read my last post you will see that I haven't been very successful.
I wish you all the best and hope that tomorrow will be the beginning of both of our clean lives.

[februarystars]

Thank you all for the public and private messages I have recieved. I can't explain how grateful I am too all the people out there who took time out of their day to read and reply to my post. I would like to apologize for the one man pity party I held last night which I shared with the forum. I know we all have issues and life experiences that have led us to this site. After I posted, I lyed in bed thinking about how bad I want sobriety and to start my life going in an uphill motion. Im ready for change. I want change. I will change. Today is my last day using. Tommorow I begin my battle with the opiate demons....and I will win. I cannot live my life anymore constantly numbing this pain, worrying about pills, thinking about dying, wondering what am I going to do when I cant afford to get high anymore. Its time. I hopefully will be able to feel good enough to keep posting, and somewhat blog my experience this time getting clean. Maybe it can help get things off my mind, like a journal. Im excited, nervous, frightened, and grateful. Im trying to exude all positive thoughts, and excrete the negative. I havent yet taken the Serequol I was perscribed a few days ago. I will start when Im a few days clean from oxy. I think it will help with the sleepless nights ahead, and perhaps aid with the Zoloft benefits. I am SO grateful for this site. Thank you to the amazing courageous people here that post their stories. You have inspired me to attempt sobriety again....this time succeeding. I will take parts of the Thomas Recipie, and Kratom to help aid me in the physical WD, and practice CBT, blogging, and positivity to help with the mental. I wish everybody out there health, hope, and happiness.   "Failure is a path to success, so don't give up...just move on with firm determination" -Vipul Kapadia  


Salsinator:Thank you. Subs definatly helped more than other methods, however I did a very short term taper  with them. I didn't give them a chance to work to there full potential. If I had the money right now, I would definatly choose the suboxone route. My therapist helps me with both addiction and other issues I've endured in my life. I usually relapse on day 7 because I cant seem to handle the depression that comes with WD. Congratulations on your sobriety, I wish you well and would like to thank you for the inspiration and knowledge you shared with me.

Vicki595: Thank you so much for you post. Youre absolutley correct, I havent given the AD a chance to work in my fogged mind. Today I have hope that they will work and aid in my sobriety. I can talk to my family, however I feel the disapointment I will cause them weighs heavy on my heart. Im very bone headed as well. I think- Ive gotten myself into this, I have to get myself out. More than likely the wrong way of going about this. My parents are old school asians and are very naive about mental illness and drug addiction. However, if this time doesnt work out, I may have to ask them for help. Thank you so much for your words, and I wish you the best in the future.

Free2agoodhome: Thank you so much for your words. Im going to take your experience and use it as my own, getting clean on this site. I wish you well, and appreciate your post.

Izzie635: Im so sorry for the pain your experiencing. What an awful situation to be in, to be injured and be in pain all the time, yet want sobriety as well. Are you thinking about getting clean now and using other ways to deal with the pain? We can do this together. I know we can. Youre so very lucky to have survived a brain rupture and coma. Youre given another chance at life.....lets use it to our full potential! Thank you for your post and good luck with your journey.

Ladies and Gentleman.....let the journey begin!  "The secret to getting ahead, is getting started" -Mark Twain

[izzie635]

I to found this site today hoping for someone to talk to.I know how you feel.I had a brain rupture in 2002 and I was lucky to live.In a coma for 2 weeks and died twice on the hellicopter to the ER surgery.I was offered no post surgery after it was all said and done.All any doctors would do for me was to give anit depressants and pain medication..Being a nurse I thought they were doing the best they could but now I am finally realizing that they don't care.Just another number and more paperwork..I am so outraged not only at them but myself too  because I didn't see this coming. I was first put on Loratab for several years because I feel on my back when I lost contiousness so the pain has been unbearable along with the emotional roller coster.Now I have realized If I don't take the pain meds I am so depressed I can't get through the day and I can't even leave my house because of fear..I don't know what to do either..Just so ashamed and discusted..Also you would never know I have an injury..,but I sure do..Hugs to all my first day on the site..

[Free2agoodhome]

Welcome.

I cannot relate specifically to your story but I understand what it's like to medicate an emotional/psychological issue with meds.

When high, it took the edge off what I was going through..but it also kept it alive.. I would re-live the painful time over and over and just get sad....

It was like I was continually putting a log on the fire never letting it burn its way to completion.

When I got clean (on this site)...that stuff came up for me big time during detox at home....but........I sat with those teachings. They were mine to own, uniquely my story, no one could feel it for me .....nor should they....

If i stay embedded in my past it will become my "present"...

You are not alone

Free~

[vicki595]

Hi and Welcome-

First off, the AD's just don't work as well when you abuse opiates. Most importantly, you NEED to share this and you NEED support. It's nearly impossible to do this alone...

Can you talk to your parents?  Do you realize how common this is? I'll tell you honestly, one way to feel better and to feel LESS guilt is to start the process of getting clean. It puts YOU back in control!

Post back to us-

[salsinator]

Hi Stars,

Welcome to the forum.  All of us on here have heartbreaking stories yet we all share one thing in common, addiction.  It does not matter what brought us here, the main thing is that we are here because we want to stop using or have stopped and need the support of others who can understand where we are.  I cannot imagine going through everything you have.  I have been an addict for the better part of 20 years and was able to get off hydrocodone a few years ago by using suboxone and finally a detox program.  That being said, I have had my ups and downs and am in the process of a huge life change, including a new career after a very successful one of 20 years.  You are in the right place.  Everyone needs to start somewhere.  You mention trying several things to get clean including suboxone, therapy, and NA meetings.  Has anything that you have tried worked better than others?  Is your therapist helping you with your opiate addition or more on the personal trauma that you have suffered?  I work with a therapist each week as well, but mine works with me specifically on my addiction and the cause for me using.  More specifically what I am doing to help with triggers to use and the tools that I use to not use.  You also mention relapsing after a week of clean time in past attempts.  What makes you use after being clean for a week.  Oxy detox usually is over the worst part in about 5 days.  Have you talked with your doctor about helping with detox?  There are some good medications that you can take during the worst part, but the main thing is not trying to do this alone.  People with a good support network are the most successful.  Try working with your therapist on a good solid plan for a new detox when you are ready.  Keep posting here as much as you need to.  There are tons of people here with great experience and lots of clean time who can help support you, even during the mental part.  Keep posting on your progress Stars.  All the best.