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Dealing with the pain and loss of dignity associated with addiction
I hope that I don't offend anyone with this posting. That isn't my intention. I just feel that this story is worth sharing. And, I do also have a question that directly relates to addiction.
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
I have been on percocets for the last two-three years.. big time.. 10-20 a day.. fighting.. trying to stop.. tapering only to break and go back..
Life sucks.. but today is my first day.. pill free.. and I am not the least bit scared.. I have been through withdrawals before and they suck.. bad.. real bad.. but I have gotten to the point where I feel like I am losing myself.. losing my soul.. I have gotten to the point where I think if I can't be my own.. be myself.. I would feel better dead.. now bear in mind this is not a suicidal message.. but the exact opposite.. i am coming back to life.. i am going completely cold turkey.. no benzos.. no immodium.. no l-tyrosine.. not even hot baths.. i want to feel the pain.. the pain will let me know i am alive.. let me know that i used to deal with it.. the pain.. but for the last 2 years.. i have been hiding.. not anymore.. now i see the light.. now i want my life back.. now i want to stop lying.. and sneaking.. and pretending.. i want to feel.. i want to heal.. i want to be me..
i just wanted to share that with you.. i am the happiest person alive today.. the way i see it.. bring on the w/d's.. bring on the sleeplessness.. bring it on.. fear is my friend..
Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
Life sucks.. but today is my first day.. pill free.. and I am not the least bit scared.. I have been through withdrawals before and they suck.. bad.. real bad.. but I have gotten to the point where I feel like I am losing myself.. losing my soul.. I have gotten to the point where I think if I can't be my own.. be myself.. I would feel better dead.. now bear in mind this is not a suicidal message.. but the exact opposite.. i am coming back to life.. i am going completely cold turkey.. no benzos.. no immodium.. no l-tyrosine.. not even hot baths.. i want to feel the pain.. the pain will let me know i am alive.. let me know that i used to deal with it.. the pain.. but for the last 2 years.. i have been hiding.. not anymore.. now i see the light.. now i want my life back.. now i want to stop lying.. and sneaking.. and pretending.. i want to feel.. i want to heal.. i want to be me..
i just wanted to share that with you.. i am the happiest person alive today.. the way i see it.. bring on the w/d's.. bring on the sleeplessness.. bring it on.. fear is my friend..
Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
You have lots of ladies who you can talk to bout whatever you want that love and care for you unconditionally. Pammy
I wish you wouldn't say you don't belong here with us. You do. I wish my soon tobe exwife was on here telling you about my addiction and how she thinks I should handle that. I really would like the person that said she loved me to talk so freely about how she felt about addiction. All we did was fight and scream and now divorce. Your input is worth alot more here than you realize I think. I know I did not do a good job at replying to your original post and it sounded agrumentative. I didn't mean it like that. So stay and talk to us and tell us why we are ******* up,LOL Thanks Bmac
Yes, I can relate too. I used to work full time - managed a nice home, 2 beautiful kids and a demanding career as an Analyst, and tonight, I was huddling in my bedroom with the lights off at 5:00 p.m. sobbing because of the intense depression (I'm weaning off of Norco and benzos). I'm still taking a small amount of buprenorphine and lowering my Klonopin dosage ever 1-2 weeks, but it's hell. I KNOW that it will be worth it for you and I both.
About an hour or so after this 'episode' (my kids were at the pool), I got a call from our re-financing agent that our closing was approved and our mortgage is now almost $200 less per month than it was originally, plus we have an extra month that we don't have to pay. I know that has nothing to do with withdrawals, but it made me feel a little better.
The depression is really horrendous, but with time, you'll begin to feel like yourself again. I can't believe that I'm going through it again, but I know this time I don't have a choice. It's hard to put into words, but I have a very deep feeling that the choice has been made for me and there is no way I can ever go back to that way of living again. It's from here onward, not backward. Please just take it in daily increments, or even hour by hour. Cry if you need to, scream into a pillow, have a positive outlet (exercise is good if you can manage), drink lots of water to flush your system. Know that you're giving yourself the best gift you can, and that a certain amount of suffering is natural (Oh, so easy to say and so hard to go through).
I came here tonight (can't sleep again) because this depression is just overwhelming and read your post and just felt that commonality of what so many of us here go through and it's just so hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's just my body re-adjusting itself to normalcy, as your's is. I have to remind myself that I cannot be in self-destruct mode anymore, and that after I'm clean I have to be REALLY aware of the dangers of relapse. Take care and know that there are others out there that are going through this and can totally empathize with what you're going through.
About an hour or so after this 'episode' (my kids were at the pool), I got a call from our re-financing agent that our closing was approved and our mortgage is now almost $200 less per month than it was originally, plus we have an extra month that we don't have to pay. I know that has nothing to do with withdrawals, but it made me feel a little better.
The depression is really horrendous, but with time, you'll begin to feel like yourself again. I can't believe that I'm going through it again, but I know this time I don't have a choice. It's hard to put into words, but I have a very deep feeling that the choice has been made for me and there is no way I can ever go back to that way of living again. It's from here onward, not backward. Please just take it in daily increments, or even hour by hour. Cry if you need to, scream into a pillow, have a positive outlet (exercise is good if you can manage), drink lots of water to flush your system. Know that you're giving yourself the best gift you can, and that a certain amount of suffering is natural (Oh, so easy to say and so hard to go through).
I came here tonight (can't sleep again) because this depression is just overwhelming and read your post and just felt that commonality of what so many of us here go through and it's just so hard, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's just my body re-adjusting itself to normalcy, as your's is. I have to remind myself that I cannot be in self-destruct mode anymore, and that after I'm clean I have to be REALLY aware of the dangers of relapse. Take care and know that there are others out there that are going through this and can totally empathize with what you're going through.
Wow, a thread that hasn't reached the maximum comments allowed, so I shall post a miniature post (yeah, right). ;)
I'm taking bup, and really decreasing my dosages drastically. I honestly want to be off of ALL of this **** as soon as possible. I had the most horrific stomach flu last Sunday (started at 7:00 a.m.) and is still somewhat there, although I don't know whether it's from the withdrawals or the remnants of the flu. I've been really, really nauseous and have been trying to keep an open mind. I'm running this mantra through my head over and over and over...."I'm not in this for short term gratification that will lead to long term consequences, I'm in this for the long haul that will eventually lead me out of the open door on the other side of a life filled with joy, as I once experienced it." So I'm going to stifle the short term pleasure (it really doesn't seem so pleasurable after taking the Norco's for 2 years now - I've become a recluse, a hermit, a redundancy (ha) and a withdrawn angry person - this is NOT me. I need to realize this, and I won't unless I'm off of this ****. I've said this TIME and again, but I have to to do this NOW, because the longer I wait, the longer and harder it's going to be to come off of these pills. The only reason I'm writing this is because I was once a lurker (and still am) and I know that others out there are and need to know that people here do care about you A LOT and understand what you're going through.
I had a true moment of clarity this weekend while I was so sick I couldn't keep anything down. Since I'm on benzo's, this didn't work out so well so I had some strange goings-on and I KNEW deep down that (and I read this here just recently!) karma, or whatever you want to call it will follow you. Every time I get a script, I get a big dose of bad karma. Every time I do the right thing, I get rewarded by seeing my family happy and I see that my world shifts into a better place - things start looking up. I feel like I'm constantly living with a dark cloud over my head when I take those pills, when I don't, I can see that silver lining (so much for the short post - I don't do those, though). Yeppers, I've said that I've had enough of this **** way too many times to count (I've been on this forum for a year so this song with my tiny violin has been played too many times), but I know that I can't keep on doing this to myself ANYMORE. I was thinking the other day (because of my clearer head) about the time my Mom took me to a wonderful little cafe when we lived in NC - it was all cherry wood inside and made THE BEST hamburgers and milkshakes. I was only 10, but I remember it well. I had lots of good childhood memories, but I just had such a joy inside of me - that pureness of heart that only comes from an un-altered state, and of course being a kid - but I did get those joys without these pills, and all too soon you forget what life's about when you take them. I'm looking forward to reading a book, traveling, putting that money away for my kids that I formerly spent for drugs. I know there's a long road ahead, but I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour if I have to. I have no choice at this point. I've already cut my benzo dosage in more than half, and am on a small amount of bup. I'm not going through this again. I just wanted to thank ALL of you guys (you know who you are - there are so many that I've talked with who are incredibly special people) who have been so instrumental in helping me. It's not an overnight occurrance that you can combat, it may sometimes take YEARS (2 years in my case - this is TAKING those pills, not coming off of them), but this volleyball game is ending NOW. I know my posts lately have been so self-involved, and I apologize for that, I just don't know quite what to say to others when I'm going through what I've been through these last 2 weeks.
My mom has also just been diagnosed with possible colon cancer after having a stroke, which my Mom-in-Law just passed from last year about this time (colon cancer), so it's been really rough, although I know some of you are going through very hard times yourselves as well. But there are so many positives when you feel like you're giving yourself and your family the best 'YOU' you can give them - can't change the current path, only can change how you react to it. That's my goal now. Take care, all. (my apologies for taking up too much bandwidth)
I'm taking bup, and really decreasing my dosages drastically. I honestly want to be off of ALL of this **** as soon as possible. I had the most horrific stomach flu last Sunday (started at 7:00 a.m.) and is still somewhat there, although I don't know whether it's from the withdrawals or the remnants of the flu. I've been really, really nauseous and have been trying to keep an open mind. I'm running this mantra through my head over and over and over...."I'm not in this for short term gratification that will lead to long term consequences, I'm in this for the long haul that will eventually lead me out of the open door on the other side of a life filled with joy, as I once experienced it." So I'm going to stifle the short term pleasure (it really doesn't seem so pleasurable after taking the Norco's for 2 years now - I've become a recluse, a hermit, a redundancy (ha) and a withdrawn angry person - this is NOT me. I need to realize this, and I won't unless I'm off of this ****. I've said this TIME and again, but I have to to do this NOW, because the longer I wait, the longer and harder it's going to be to come off of these pills. The only reason I'm writing this is because I was once a lurker (and still am) and I know that others out there are and need to know that people here do care about you A LOT and understand what you're going through.
I had a true moment of clarity this weekend while I was so sick I couldn't keep anything down. Since I'm on benzo's, this didn't work out so well so I had some strange goings-on and I KNEW deep down that (and I read this here just recently!) karma, or whatever you want to call it will follow you. Every time I get a script, I get a big dose of bad karma. Every time I do the right thing, I get rewarded by seeing my family happy and I see that my world shifts into a better place - things start looking up. I feel like I'm constantly living with a dark cloud over my head when I take those pills, when I don't, I can see that silver lining (so much for the short post - I don't do those, though). Yeppers, I've said that I've had enough of this **** way too many times to count (I've been on this forum for a year so this song with my tiny violin has been played too many times), but I know that I can't keep on doing this to myself ANYMORE. I was thinking the other day (because of my clearer head) about the time my Mom took me to a wonderful little cafe when we lived in NC - it was all cherry wood inside and made THE BEST hamburgers and milkshakes. I was only 10, but I remember it well. I had lots of good childhood memories, but I just had such a joy inside of me - that pureness of heart that only comes from an un-altered state, and of course being a kid - but I did get those joys without these pills, and all too soon you forget what life's about when you take them. I'm looking forward to reading a book, traveling, putting that money away for my kids that I formerly spent for drugs. I know there's a long road ahead, but I'm taking it day by day, hour by hour if I have to. I have no choice at this point. I've already cut my benzo dosage in more than half, and am on a small amount of bup. I'm not going through this again. I just wanted to thank ALL of you guys (you know who you are - there are so many that I've talked with who are incredibly special people) who have been so instrumental in helping me. It's not an overnight occurrance that you can combat, it may sometimes take YEARS (2 years in my case - this is TAKING those pills, not coming off of them), but this volleyball game is ending NOW. I know my posts lately have been so self-involved, and I apologize for that, I just don't know quite what to say to others when I'm going through what I've been through these last 2 weeks.
My mom has also just been diagnosed with possible colon cancer after having a stroke, which my Mom-in-Law just passed from last year about this time (colon cancer), so it's been really rough, although I know some of you are going through very hard times yourselves as well. But there are so many positives when you feel like you're giving yourself and your family the best 'YOU' you can give them - can't change the current path, only can change how you react to it. That's my goal now. Take care, all. (my apologies for taking up too much bandwidth)
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