Day 3 coming up I dont know if I can take it!

[Back2Me]

I mean physically I feel somewhat better but my body and mind are a shambles THEN now there is a  bunch of Grieg going on in the house. I am soooo ready just to take a pill and feel better and be able to deal today I cannot take it! I don't want to lose three days but damn how much is one supposed to deal with!! Would one set me all the way back?????  I can barely get out of bed as it is.

[gnarly_1]

HI.....the pills are not the problem there merely a symptom of whats going on much deeper inside you to truly get free of this addiction your going to have to face those demons that haunt the darkest parts of ones mind...the very way you think must change untill then you will just keep riding the merry go round getting clean relapsing getting clean  relapsing
it a viscous cycle and on you have been on long enough take the time to get the help you need an have the life you so deserve keep in mind nothing changes if nothing changes
I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless......Gnarly  

[Back2Me]

I have done this like 6 times now and my mind goes back to one time in my life EVERY time. It's maddening. Maybe I need therapy about it. Maybe it's just the WD. Because when I'm on pills i don't think about it much. And the few weeks I actually have been sober the past two years I think I remember it not being that bad for me. But during WD it is brutal and I literarily can't stand it. So it SEEMS it really bothers me the most when I Wd. MAybe I am pushing it down every day and the pills are the easiest way.

[quitinoxys]

Please don't give up it will get better I promise. Just think you will be able to celebrate christmas with your family sober. I bet its been awhile since you able to do that. Remember take 1 day at a time. I am pulling for you I know (and so do you) that you can make it.---Rick

[Back2Me]

Ty lyn. Wow talk about a 180 10 mins ago I was ok. Then I just went and ate a nice hot bowl of fresh chicken soup and immediatly had to run into the bedroom and had a nervous breakdown crying, hyperventilating and everything. Wow. WTH. I give up. : /
This is sooo exhausting mentally.

[faith_hope_love]

Now your talking...you are gonna have a wonderful Christmas with your family, you will see.  Your also pretty durn brave out in that kind of weather..lol.  It probably did ya good.  My son is taking over the computer soon so I will keep you in my prayers tonight..glad this day is over for you.  Look at your first post above 7 hours or so ago...you made it.  take care! lyn

[Back2Me]

Thanks the 6:00 mark pAssed and guess what u was doing?? Riding my crotch rocket motorcycle around the neighborhood at like 25deg outside. That was insane! FREEZING but I did it for about 15 mins. I also went with my wife and got a real Christmas tree and put it up. Not easy but doable I guess. Maybe I am turning some type of corner a little. Still going mentally crazy and very weak but maybe slightly better :)

[faith_hope_love]

In 32 minutes it will be day 4 for you, hooray!!!  You have climbed the moutain and now you are standing at the very top.  It might be a little shaky for just a while longer but now you are going to start coming down and to a new life.

You remind me so much of me when I went CT.  I honestly thought I was going insane.  Thought's like, "What will people think?,"  "I will never feel better,"  "Even if I do get through this I will alway's crave pills, what kind of life, torment will that be.?"  (Thats such a lie too, I hate pills and not even craving nothing now)  I had all kind of guilt, fear, major panic, anxiety, crying, anger, simply put, I felt totally hopeless.  That was around day 3 when all of that mental anguish kicked in but it went away, I promise it will.  With everyday, you will start thinking more clearly, and with every day you will get stronger physically.  

Also, keep in mind, you are not in a race here, this is your life and that is very valuable.  As all of the opiates come out of your system, your brain is wondering what's up and your emotions go haywire but then your brain starts making its own dopamine again.  Someone other than me can explain that part better, I just wanted you to also keep that in mind ...not only are you healing your body but also your brain.  Hang in there!

[Ballgame]

You are answering your own questions.  You've come so far that 1 pill will set you to square one.
Just consider this the price for all high times pills gave you.

It's hard, but gets better.  Just make it through the weekend and flush pills so you have no choice

I'm from Detroit (live in Philly now) but grew up in the D. From one D person to another.  You can do this.

[quitinoxys]

Back2 Congrats on 3 days, don't give up now you have come so far. If you have pills you should flush them as I know they will call your name. I was about 90 days in and my back was killing me when someone gave me a few opana. Fortunatley between the great people on this site and my support system I flushed them. So keep going and flush those devils as it would give you a great feeling of power over the pills. I will pray you make the right decision. God Bless---quitin

[Back2Me]

God I just CRY for my old self before pills for my old LIFE. It's hard to stop looking back. Right now anyway. This isn't real right? These feelings. Are they real and just beef regressed because of the numbing I have been doing or am I screwed to dwell in the past. WHY do I keep going back? Am I constantly trying to cover everything I've done up with the meds. Or is my brain just messing with me right now. Man I hate all of this. I wish I had a time machine :(

[faith_hope_love]

Nothing is unforgivable, you are not unforgivable.  We all have done much to regret but seriously, you have to leave it the past and move on.  The people who love you will stick by you.  I feel like these stupid pills are a big lie.  We give them way too much credit.  Just now thinking back to my life before taking pain meds.  Yes, I had back pain but I know I could have dealt with it.  My life was so much better then and it's going to be superfantastic now!  I insist on it.  ~grin~  Yours is gonna be too.  Focus on yourself and getting well now, when you are better then you can focus on mending those fences.  It should be all about you right now.  

[Back2Me]

You are a true blessing. Thank you :)
I am beating myself to death over the things that I have done while on these dam pills! Horrible things! Things that were just sooo not me. It's unforgivable I have just about totally ruined peoples lives and turned sooo many against me. I can't even describe the devil these pills made me. Unbelievable.  I don't know how i could ever forgive myself.

[faith_hope_love]

You really, truly have to let go of that guilt no matter how bad you think it might be and forgive yourself right now because as long as you are on this earth and human you are capable of making mistakes just like all of us.  There are thousands and thousands of people all around the world struggling with dependence and addiction.  It is nothing to be ashamed of or the mistakes you might have made because of the pills either.  It's a very common thing and I hate that there is such a stigma about it.  You are in a mental battle right now too so everything, every emotion, every feeling is intensified.  It will pass, I promise.  You can do it!

[Back2Me]

Yes I am a big wimp also when it comes to this fir some reason. The mental aspect of this just kills me. The guilt of things YEARS ago and guilt of recent things just kill me. It's barely survivable at times.

[faith_hope_love]

Back2Me, actually my middle name is Lyn, just keeping myself somewhat discreet on the internet. ;-)  My deepest sympathies for your friend Lyn.  I can say, she is with the Lord, for eternity, never to have to suffer again, you two will see each other again one day, that is good news.  I know if she were here she would tell you to do NOT give up....as the scripture say's, weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning..  
If I can do it with my wimp self (if you only knew .lol) you can do it, in fact you are doing it.  

[PipPip1234]

Hey there back2me, its awful isnt it? Like something is creeping inside your body & turning it inside out but you will soon start to feel better! Thats what you have to think, it does go through your mind "oh one more", "that will be it" but you know in your heart you will have to go through the whole long drawn out process again, think of the discomfort (to put it lightly) as your boys fixing itself, putting all the pieces back together, three days & counting, good for you! I know it might not feel that way right now but your doing fab, keep going :-)

[Back2Me]

Thanks for praying for me. And your name Lyn has a very eerie meaning to me going through this it's kind of weird. Lyn was someone I knew that was a very wonderful caring person that was lost this past summer. Any it's very sad to think of. She was a very religious person and I am sure she is in a good place right now. Anyway thaks so much for the support it really means a lot. I hope to find a sponsor like you someday. If I ever take myself to a meeting that is :(

Thank you.

[faith_hope_love]

Hi, my name is Lyn.  I have been reading the forum for a few days but just today started posting.  I have been following your story though and praying for you every night.  Please don't take that pill, you are doing great.  This will pass.  If you take the pill then the cycle starts all over and at some point you will have to go through this all over again.  It's an unbearable feeling..I know.  I did CT years ago and then more recently I used a 21 day suboxone wean which you have to be so careful with.  The lie is the pill will make you feel better.   It might for maybe a few hours but then what?  The mental anguish of having to start again is sometimes worse than the pain.  It's not going to be many more days now until you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Hang on and don't give up.  Hugs!

[Back2Me]

I just took a few klonopins it's helping. ***** having to feel like this. :( just a few more days right???'

[ang_811]

Why do u still have pills? As long as they r around they r gonna b calling ur name. Let's flush those pills...congrats on day 3. It will get easier on ya. But don't take that pill. All the healing ur mind has been doing these 3 days will just b for nothing if u take a pill now...try taking it hour by hour. It will help get u thru ur day. Start thinking positive. Tell urself u can do this instead of saying I can't do it without a pill.. Positive thinking will take u a long way. Flush whatever pills u have. U will see it will give ya some kind of empowerment! Good luck to ya and keep posting for support and let us know how ur doing...Angie