Aa
Endeavor to Persevere
Greetings to all......I feel like I need to get this out there even though I am so embarassed and angry. I was 3 days into my detox as some of you are already aware..and this morning my uncle came over to pay me some money he owed me and instead of money he brought pills!!!! I waas probably at my weakest point in my detox and so, albeit begrudgingly,I took them and yes I took some of them so I have fallen off the horse yet again!! I am so angry with myself (and my uncle) for allowing this addiction to win again....I had to go and delete my addiction tracker...that was really painful.....and here I go having to start at this again......my apologies to all of you who have been so kind to offer your advice and words of encouragement, I feel like such a loser..I'm gonna go do some serious soul searching here....as I must "Endeavor to Persevere"...peace.......
n8tiv_ndn
Mark
n8tiv_ndn
Mark
Best Answer
Believe me when I tell you - like so many others here have said - you are not a loser! Don't make the mistake of judging your self-worth or your struggle for sobriety on how you FEEL. If you allow your emotions to lead you, they will take you here, there and everywhere ... especially now that you are fighting this battle to get clean. I went through something quite similar a few years back. I went into rehab because I had been on drugs/narcotics for chronic pain for years, nearly 10 of them. I wanted to get clean so I could determine what my pain level had become. The rehab facility used suboxone to wean patients off whatever they were addicted/dependent on. I was only there a week, and I sept through most of it. When I came home I was anxious and irritable. The rehab place had given me absolutely no information or skills in regards to what to expect from post-rehab. Looking back at the experience now, it truly makes me angry because I can't imagine how anyone could have stayed clean after being in that place. The two doctors than owned the facility were only in it for the money. No one could possibly convince me otherwise! Several days later, I ended up going back into rehab at a well known area hospital. I had begun going through withdrawls. Due to a complete lack of information from the first rehab; I was very confused. I thought I was supposed to be 'cured' already. The second rehab place sent me home with suboxone and told me to locate a doctor that prescribed it, a.s.a.p. When I came here to medhelp I learned about the nature of suboxone - it was quite addictive, I was very upset. I didn't understand the reason for getting me off one narcotic only to put me on another! I nearly weaned myself myself off the suboxone when I withdrawls became seriously difficult. Well ... that's when my oldest daughter came over to see how I was doing. She also happens to have back pain like I do. She saw how I was and then dug her methadone out of her purse and 'made' me take them. Obviously, I didn't fight off what she was offering and it happened on more than one occasion. I recall crying like a baby because I was so-o disappointed and disgusted with myself. Sound familiar?? Granted, the methadone got me off the suboxone. ... I got myself off the methadone, cold turkey. After being on 10mg. daily for @ 18 months I just stopped taking it, period. I was scared to death about what I would go through, but oddly enough I had no withdrawls whatsoever - I know now just how fortunate I was... but it took me 3 tries at it before I could finally claim my sobriety! I understand, all too well, how you are feeling - but what's done is done. Beating yourself up isn't going to change what's over and done. Don't drag this mistake around with you. Getting clean is difficult enough - you don't need to punish yourself because you made a wrong choice. Just hold onto one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Whatever it takes to get you yet another day of sobriety! Mark you came here and owned up to what happened. That couldn't have been easy - in fact, I see it as a very brave act. I hope that you will give yourself a break. Please, while you work at your recovery, be kind and patient with yourself. You will need both to keep yourself clean, because being drug free IS both an act of kindness and self worth! Here you will be understood because we have either done it ourselves or have experience with someone that has. I have seen my own 'story' (countless times!) in the posts left here at medhelp. Although we are all uniquely different people - our addiction(s) are not. At it's core, addiction is just not that complex. You are fighting for the quality of the rest of your life! You CAN do this Mark. No matter what, keep coming back here and let us know how you are getting along, okay?? Take care Mark!
Thank you for the support....I know what it is I must do here it is just so incredible how the addiction has so many weapons to pull out on you....I was doing really good and now this.....I am gonna' go and sit by the water and do some serious thinking about who I am and what it is I want out of the rest of my life....thanks again for the kind words and support ...peace
Pilamaye kola......mitakuye oyasin....
(Thank you friend...we are all related)
n8tiv_ndn
Mark
To Walk the Red Road
To walk the Red Road,
You have God-given rights,
You have the right to pray,
You have the right to dance,
You have the right to think,
You have the right to protect,
You have the right to know Mother Earth,
You have the right to dream,
You have the right to vision,
You have the right to teach,
You have the right to learn,
You have the right to happiness,
You have the right to fix the wrongs,
You have the right to the Spirit World,
To Walk the Red Road
is to know sacrifice, suffering,
To Walk the Red Road
is to know you will one day
cross to the Spirit World,
and you will not be afraid.
Pilamaye kola......mitakuye oyasin....
(Thank you friend...we are all related)
n8tiv_ndn
Mark
To Walk the Red Road
To walk the Red Road,
You have God-given rights,
You have the right to pray,
You have the right to dance,
You have the right to think,
You have the right to protect,
You have the right to know Mother Earth,
You have the right to dream,
You have the right to vision,
You have the right to teach,
You have the right to learn,
You have the right to happiness,
You have the right to fix the wrongs,
You have the right to the Spirit World,
To Walk the Red Road
is to know sacrifice, suffering,
To Walk the Red Road
is to know you will one day
cross to the Spirit World,
and you will not be afraid.
just getn n...sorry for late response...was thinkn of u today as i watchd ocean..i know u feel bad right now but it happens to the best of us...ive done it few times tryn to quit...never got passed day 3......this time something clicked...hang n there my freind,,you can do anything....
Hey brother........thanks for the response...I hope your day went well and you are gaining strenghth as time goes by....as you can see I fell off my horse (again) Sometimes I wonder if i've forgotten how to ride..lol......
I just came back from spending some time thinking and gathering up some strength...i will start the process again....I guess we only really fail if we stop getting up to try again....right??? peace bro........
n8tiv_ndn
Mark
I just came back from spending some time thinking and gathering up some strength...i will start the process again....I guess we only really fail if we stop getting up to try again....right??? peace bro........
n8tiv_ndn
Mark
you my freind have great mind with words...they helpd me today,,,ocean has moods also,today she was unstable and turbulant...like me...or maybe all of us...did supply me with dinner,,nothing special but i went....good luck,,gonna have tough time tonight and tommorow with the cravings myself....take care.
thanks man....it has been an unsettled day for me most definitely.....I always enjoy the ocean as it puts many things into perspective with the sheer size and amazing raw power... I will continue to keep you in my prayers as I have since we first began talking you stay strong and maybe help an old Indian to make this journey with you........peace bro...
n8tiv_ndn
Mark
n8tiv_ndn
Mark
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