Failure...

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

This is all I can bring to call myself all day everyday.  Why is my family not enough? Why does my brain have to be wired like this??? Why is this so hard? Why...... Why.... ???

[CRSeaside]

Hi Dear. All is a big word. Just take it minute at a time.
I've said this before, but it's true: thinking about the past depresses us.
  Pretending we know the outcome of the future causes anxiety.
Please listen to your body, stay in the present moment. We are all here to give you the positive energy you need to succeed. Love  Pamela

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

I've decided to be "normal" for the holiday...whatever that means. Then I am off work for 5 days and will be able to do a fast taper to get back on track and then will just stop instead of going down very slowly. The thing is...I can't tell my husband again. I just can't. Our marriage is hanging by the tiniest of threads and I don't see this working out right...even without my recent faulter. I don't know what's going to happen to us. But...I'm probably going to have to flush them after this weekend cuz ill take them if they're around. This is so freaking hard. If I didn't have a 15 month old, I would just hole up at home for 5 days and get it over with, but I have to be there for my little guy. I never thought I'd be wishing to cold turkey it.....ugh! This can NEVER EVER happen again!!!

[kyle505]

Actually, it is that simple. I failed for over 15 years. I'd bet I've been through everything you've experienced, felt…I have three children, ages 25, 20 and 18. I missed so much of their lives; I told so many lies; I took pills from the homes of friends, strangers, family. I even took pills from my dying mother during her last week on earth. Family, friends, my job - everything came second to my addiction.  You are no different than me; than hundreds of addicts who've been exactly where you are now. You are sinking in your own pity. I did it too. For many years. And then one day I simply looked at myself in the mirror, and the shame was overwhelming. I went to my bottle of pills and dumped them in the toilet. That was almost two years ago.
I'm no better than you. I'm not a strong person. But I'd had enough. You will get there. If not now then very soon by the sound of your post.
So I'd suggest, like Pat, that you dump the pills or finish them, and then go cold turkey. Yes, you'll go through one hellish detox, but it will be over within a few days. Cut your sources, tell your secret, and get after care. Again, three simple steps. But they work.
K

[Pat1956100]

Sonrissa gave you excellent advice.
If the tapering isn't working, IMO, you should just go cold turkey.
I think the tapering is just causing you all of this angst and like you said you are having withdrawals with it anyway.
All of this sadness you are feeling is normal and it will go away.
Tapering is so hard.  I  have learned if I have pills I abuse them.
No matter how many times I have said I will only take a couple a day, it just doesn't happen.
Seriously consider preparing yourself to just go cold turkey and get it over with.  I think you are just prolonging the agony.

[Sonrissa]

OK, just try to relax and take some deep breaths. Look, you screwed up. You admit it. Don't give up. You have to really want this, and I believe that you do. Now, as I see it you have a couple of choices here. First, make a taper schedule, and write it down. Give the control of the pills to your husband. Have him keep the pills and hide them. Hide them really good. Have him give them to you according to your plan with no deviations at all. Slow and steady is key with tapering. Just start again. Stop being so hard on yourself. Most of us find it too hard to taper, I couldn't do it.

Your second choice is to get through this holiday and your company and all of that. Then, quit cold turkey. You will go through a few days of withdrawals and that will be tough, but completely doable. Then, you are done with the physical stuff. Look into getting some sort of after care to help you deal with the mental and emotional stuff. You can do it.

Forgive yourself for this setback and stop lying to your husband. Get back on track, and start moving forward. I know you can do this. Keep posting for support. Next time you feel like you are going to mess up, come here and post and give us the opportunity to help.

Take care, it will be OK!

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

And worse yet ...still here I am...lying. Lying to my husband....my family...myself. Where do you find the strength to be and stay honest?