Failure...

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

This is all I can bring to call myself all day everyday.  Why is my family not enough? Why does my brain have to be wired like this??? Why is this so hard? Why...... Why.... ???

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Well if only it were all so simple. The thing is my husbands already helping me taper. I effed up...I went outside our agreement. I panicked at the thought of family here for the holiday and 4 whole  days of no access to pills even if I wanted them. So now here I am I may have ruined it all. Ya I know it's not too late and I can get back on track. But when it's up to me...if I have the pills I usually take them. So here I am. The stress of the holidays...family here...the threat of me not being myself as enough of a trigger. Ugh ! I have failed. I don't see me being able to succeed here...ever.. I just make stupid effing decisions all the time. My family apparently isn't enough for me. The thing is too...I was just now starting to get into feeling pretty crappy withdrawals on the taper and I even had moments of strength. It really is such a roller coaster. I just want out so badly.

[kyle505]

You are asking questions that can only really be answered by you. You are the one who will decide that, despite the hell of detox and the roller coaster of recovery, you've had enough and are going to quit.
You will do that. Your head will never stop talking to you; you will always find an excuse to use or to keep using. Anxiety, stress, unforeseen problems...That's life. There will not be a time that will be perfect for detox. So, as always, it comes down to you. And you'll know when you're ready.
As far as tapering goes, very few of us have successfully tapered without help - someone to give us the pills per the plan and then hide them. So don't beat yourself up about that.
Finally remember - the voice, the urge, the addiction - it's all just you. Like me and thousands of others, we are wired differently. I've personally given up trying to find out why I'm an addict, I just am. Once I came to accept that, and to accept that I will fight my addiction for the rest of my life, I felt a sort of peace within myself.  Some are born blind or with a physical handicap. I was born an addict. BUT, I am living a clean life now and enjoying every second of it. You can too - that's a promise.
K

[Sonrissa]

Don't despair! You haven't ruined your last chance. Get back on track. You need to come up with a very specific plan. Write it down, and follow it. Follow it no matter what. Find someone who can distribute your pills to you per the taper schedule. No deviations, no matter what. Don't let this faulter define you. The next time the voices urge you, or you feel stressed and anxious, come here first. Give us the opportunity to talk to you! You can do this! Now, get back on the right track! OK?

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

I am currently on a taper and have faultered. With the threat of the holidays I have given in to the stress. I may have ruined the last chance I have at making this right. I am weak. The voices the urge inside to use brought on by anxiety and stress is stronger than I am. Where do I find the strength? How to I listen to my heart?

[Kbusymom]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this.  You are not a failure.  I feel the same way sometimes about family/ friends etc not being enough.  I think we have to address the issue of why we want to shut down and numb ourselves. I'm trying so hard to figure it out.  I think we all have some unresolved pain deep inside ourselves.  I'm hoping that by working the steps and other aftercare that I get there.  Stay strong, we are in this together.

[brandiroars386]

Whats happened to make you feel this way?