Feeling Really Low

[loveandlight05]

I am fighting my instinct to recoil and not speak to anyone. Instead, I am going to try something new and reach out. It is so much easier to talk when I am in a good place. I have this instinct to shut everyone out when things are going poorly.

So my husband did apologize last night, but everything is so weird today because of the fight. I feel like I have created such a mess with my behavior in the past that I will never get out of it. I want to fix it all, but I don't know how.

I hardly slept at all last night. I guess the Doxepin was working really well, and I didn't even know it. It is also an anti depressant, so I am feeling really down without it. I will pick it up on Monday when I have some money and the pharmacy is open.

I am changing my meeting plan for today. I truly feel in my gut that the AA meetings I have been going to are not for me. I need NA. So there is an NA meeting about ten miles from me tonight at 8. I will be there. This will be my first in person NA meeting.

Last night, I tried reaching out to one of the potential sponsors from the AA group. I told her that I really want a sponsor but fear no one will want to work with me because of my inability to get to 90 meetings in 90 days and asked her for advice. She never got back to me. I feel like it was a sign. I need to be in NA around like minded people. I want to fit somewhere, and I just plain do not fit in the AA meetings I have been attending. I have never been a drinker. I flat out don't get why anyone likes alcohol. I need to be around people who are addicts and get the things I have been through.

The steps are the same, but alcoholism is very different from addiction in some ways. In part, I think alcoholics have it more difficult because they can't cut off their dealers and hide from their DOC. It is everywhere. But, as addicts, we can shield ourselves partially from the onslaught of pills and drugs there are in this world. Not altogether, but partially. In other ways, I feel like alcoholics have it easier. Their DOC is not something they injected and possible received hep C from, and people judge alcoholics a bit less than addicts. The word addict conjures this image of a thin, blister faced, shaking man shooting up heroin. Alcohol doesn't get you in quite as much trouble as possession of heroin does. But it really doesn't matter what I think. What matters is that in my mind, they are different, and I need to be in NA. I just know it.

* Please know that I do not mean to offend anyone by contrasting these two addictions. I am just thinking out loud. I am newly clean and discovering all of this for the first time, so please do not take offense to my thoughts. I realize that both alcoholism and addiction are very serious illnesses that cause much pain.

Anyhow, I am doing my best feeling my way through all of this, but today was the first day that I felt like it is all useless. I just feel like there is no hope for me in changing my life and my ways. I feel like I am a square peg trying to fit myself into a round hole, and no matter how hard I try, I will never fit. I feel like I should just go back to my old me. I am not saying use and lose my freedom and my children. What I am saying it I feel like I should stop going to meetings and stop trying to find God in my life. These things are all so strange to me, and I feel like I don't belong.

[toredofbeingtired]

I sent u a pm

[loveandlight05]

Thank you for this. Hearing from people who have been there and survived, like you, really helps. It does scare me all of the time that I will break after this is all over. I hope that fear helps keep me on the straight and narrow. I am aware that if I ever, ever, ever use again, I will lose my kids. Maybe not that day, but I have seen how this all goes now. There is no other place for us addicts other than institutions, jail or dead. Any of those three options takes me away from my babies.

I used to tell myself that I was different and that would never happen to me. I told myself that I could use and never get caught, but now I know that I am no exception. I am the same as every addict here, and this disease will be all of our end if we don't beat it.

I do believe that God is my answer, but I cannot seem to figure out how to get to him. I feel his presence, and I know he exists, but I don't know if I am doing it right. I pray, but I have not gone to church in a really long time. I have never respected God. I have denounced him a points, and I feel like he doesn't want me anymore because of what a terrible child I have been.  

[loveandlight05]

So no meeting and that. Needless to say, I feel out of control.

[loveandlight05]

I went to where the na meeting was supposed to be, and no meeting. And I got this text from my husband: With what money! I'm in the process of getting a new job...so I can take care of our family when you loose/ get locked up ******!!!!!!! Hello!!!!!!

[toredofbeingtired]

Hi!! Been reading your post just haven't posted.. I don't live in same state but if it gives you any piece of mind in the height of our addiction in 06 thru 08 me and hubby got arrested for writing and me calling in scripts we did several before got caught not gonna go into all details u can pm me if u want to know more but judge gave us probation as first time offenders and yes believe it or not it only scared me for a couple months and I did it again while on probation:( spent some jail time but that Is only cause I was on probation so u get a no bond hold so I had to sit till my time in front of judge many hearings later anyway I had never tried rehab so he gave me a last shot but re assured me I would go to prison if done again..we got clean over 3 years straight best 3 years with out a doubt but then met a friend and we both had several surgeries got us started again so we r for the last time going thru this again I am so sick and disgusted with what we have been thru pills isn't even a option or want for me anymore we both just want our lives back and our kids r still young they deserve 100% from us they r our life!! I saw your post about God and wanted to let u know God is a HUGE part of our lives.. He has blessed us so much I can write a book the peace and joy u feel with him is like nothing u will ever feel.. I wasn't sure if you were saved maybe that's what you are missing giving your life to Jesus..asking him for forgiveness and into your heart and turn it all over to him..giving it to God and a personal relationship with him is 2 different things maybe start going to a Bible based church many non denominational have celebrate recovery which is a God based rehab.. we have found that to help a lot.. people with God rather than a "higher power" which could be a table/chair etc..it just helps having people pray with you and you can form your relationship with God.. we have lost a lot of that cause bad choices but KNOW he has not gone anywhere simply took side seat till we were serious and he has already started the blessings and slowly everything is coming back..I could never imagine living without him esp with this addiction.. I really hope u can ease up some I REALLY seriously don't believe u will go to jail and I agree u need to focus on your forever not just hurry before seeing judge..u will see this will probably drag out I knew nothing about it but mine drug out about 7 or 8 mo continence after continence... I pray u look forward and find the right support reading the Bible does wonders I find so much comfort there..

[toredofbeingtired]

Hi!! Been reading your post just haven't posted.. I don't live in same state but if it gives you an

[meegWpaw]

l & l ... try not to lump up all your 'past behavior' into one big group.  we all have done many many things we regret in our active addiction (well im presuming here sorry) but you can't rake yourself over the coals for this stuff.  it really doesn't help much anyway.  take one thing at a time.  today is the day you stay clean.  right?  that's it.  the other things will fall into place ... you need to take it easy.  it doesn't matter what the label is ... NA, AA, addict, alcoholic, or how you think people perceive you ... what matters is how YOU feel inside and how you feel when you're at those meetings.  please don't give up.  we all care about you and WE see what a fanfreakintastic job youre doing.  onward, woman warrior!!!!!

[lulu747]

Tony-
Awesome post my friend.  I just love you.

Love-
I feel honoured to get to be a part of your journey of recovery.  The way you are consciously living your life right now is admirable.  Never, ever give up.  I truly believe wholeheartedly that miracles are around the corner for you.
You are a good person.  Never forget that okay?
Love
Lu

[weaver71]

I had to ignore my marriage awhile, yet still participate in it. I had to ignore my kids awhile, yet still let them know I love them. I tried to fix them for awhile, but the central issues were me. I had to make a new history, not fix the old one. So, I focused entirely on healing me and simply not making my family life worse. After some time, I saw my marriage healing on it's own, I was able to have time for my kids, and trust was built as the old past was further past and new memories replaces it. Is all my family wanted was to see proof I was doing my best over time. It's still real hard when I go manic, but I have proven I am DOING as much as I can to make it better. Heal you, take time for yourself and your recovery, all the rest will fall into place, just as it should. I believe that, simple, not easy. Doors open for those who knock and keep knocking. Good for you and all your relations for reaching out and trying something new. That is a sign that a new you is being born. Congrats on your progress so far.

[loveandlight05]

This is the first day that I've let myself relax, though.

[loveandlight05]

Thanks ya'll. You're reminding me to take it slow, and I need to remember that. I feel like I have to do everything so fast so that by the time I stand in front of the judge, I've done a complete 180, you know? However, what I need to be focusing on is staying clean forever. That takes a lot of work for the rest of my life. I have to give this to God and remember that I'm doing the right things now. How could a judge not notice that? I'm a person who has made some mistakes, but I'm trying to not repeat them. There's gonna be some bumps in the road like not having my anti depressant this weekend. I just really want to be 100% pill free. I was hoping I would be ok without it, but I'm really not. I won't make that mistake again.

[NeverAgain127]

I second that last post.  This is marathon, not a sprint.   Our recovery unfolds slowly and not always in a linear fashion.   I rally hate it when AA regulars treat newcomers that way. Ive' seen in before, and they do more harm than good. Shame on her.   You're doing the best you can.  

Any day you don't get high is a GOOD day.  

[Ejm7263]

Your doing great. Don't give up before the miracle. When I cleaned up in 1996 I had to go to NA.  I'd never really drank & needed to be around people who'd been through what I had. I lived by a great group.
This time I live in a smaller town, can't afford gas so I'm going to AA. I've found a greet group where most used & are willing to talk. No one in our group would not under your babysitting issues. Just keep doing what your doing. Starting to use again won't solve anything & is asking to give what little we have away; family, kids....

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well your not alone in feeling like this  your new to being clean and the additive mind will run with things right or wrong this disease is always trying to kill you and will pounce in a moment of weekness I have been folowing your story and you have your plate full...I agree with you about A/A for me N/a has made all the difference  you need to emerge yourself in recovery it will be difucult facing life on lifes terms but it is doable as addicts we want it and want it now it is our nature it often fogs our judgment...this is nothing you will fix in a week month or even a year it is a long term commitment to being clean that will... just keep doing the next right thing with time and commitment you can have a normal life and enjoy it keep posting for support the program works if you work it if you ever just need to talk just p/m me im a good listener this is a ''we'' thing not a ''I'' thing but I can tell you this....recovery is a amazing thing it just takes time dont give up 5min b/4 the merical...........Gnarly