Aa
new here, Need to get my life back
To start, I apologise if this post is in the wrong place, I am new in this forum and am not sure if there are any unspoken rules.
I am basically a kid, 20 years old, people view me as being am intelligent, mature and a"good" girl. I am attending university and my parents have always been good to me, maybe a little too good. I have been plagued with terrible migraines for about 6 years and about a year ago when all preventative medication failed my doctor began prescribing Tramacet. The pills were a dream come true, they took the pain away, but soon I would be taking them everyday and if I did not take them I would get a new headache. well my doctor was not an idiot, he did not give me a lot of the pills, but my mother on the other hand had A LOT of the same pill that she was no longer taking, so she gave them to me, not suspecting anything from her "perfect" daughter.
Those pills ran out too. I got my hands on some morphine pills one time, some little pink oxy somethings the next. my life has been jumping from source to source, until those sources ran out (im not street smart when it comes to drugs, which i don't think is a bad thing).
But now I have come to a point where I cannot believe what i am doing. I discovered Tylenol 1's, 8mg of codeine and 200 of acetaminophen. So now I find myself extracting the codeine from the pills so as not to take too much acetaminophen.
I need to stop this, but have no one to talk to, i'm too afraid of opening up to my friends and family, i cant hurt them like this. my mother is sick, she does not need to know, the stress my very well make her sicker.
where do i find the strength to tell myself to stop?
I am basically a kid, 20 years old, people view me as being am intelligent, mature and a"good" girl. I am attending university and my parents have always been good to me, maybe a little too good. I have been plagued with terrible migraines for about 6 years and about a year ago when all preventative medication failed my doctor began prescribing Tramacet. The pills were a dream come true, they took the pain away, but soon I would be taking them everyday and if I did not take them I would get a new headache. well my doctor was not an idiot, he did not give me a lot of the pills, but my mother on the other hand had A LOT of the same pill that she was no longer taking, so she gave them to me, not suspecting anything from her "perfect" daughter.
Those pills ran out too. I got my hands on some morphine pills one time, some little pink oxy somethings the next. my life has been jumping from source to source, until those sources ran out (im not street smart when it comes to drugs, which i don't think is a bad thing).
But now I have come to a point where I cannot believe what i am doing. I discovered Tylenol 1's, 8mg of codeine and 200 of acetaminophen. So now I find myself extracting the codeine from the pills so as not to take too much acetaminophen.
I need to stop this, but have no one to talk to, i'm too afraid of opening up to my friends and family, i cant hurt them like this. my mother is sick, she does not need to know, the stress my very well make her sicker.
where do i find the strength to tell myself to stop?
Hi! I was just thinking about you. I am praying for your recovery and serenity.
Best of luck to you.
Best of luck to you.
Hi Merjoy,
I hope that you are hanging in there. It is difficult what you are experiencing. Sounds like classic physical withdrawal. If it feels like too much, you can ask your doctor to help taper you. Hopefully, you are not uncomfortable for too many days. The psychological stuff can be overwhelming, too. Please find someone that you can trust to talk to.
It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate, especially with your Mom's illness. As much as it would give her some degree of stress if you told her, she would have much more stress if anything happened to you as the result of the pill use. Usually, mothers love UNCONDITIONALLY, and she might be someone to start with. It might even empower her to attend meetings with you if you chose NA or AA, or even the doctor's visits. She would feel helpful and supportive.
Acceppting addiction as a disease is not an excuse to use, but it is an explanation for how and why things occur. Remembering that reminds us that we are indeed POWERLESS over our disease-just as your mother is powerless over the presence of her kidney disease. However, in NA, we believe that while we are NOT responsible for our disease, WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR RECOVERY. That means doing what we must in order to recover; just as your mother undergoes painful and constant dialysis in order to remain alive. For addicts, it is about REMAINING ALIVE. In NA, we believe that our disease is "progressive, incurable and fatal"! You have a responsiblity to address it.
For most of us, we have to reach a "rock bottom"-for some of us, it is financial; for others, social, in the form of humiliation; for others, legal and/or penal; for yet, others, it is drug-related disease and/or physical pain; and for others, it is psychic pain. For too many, it is a combination of many of these. Despite your psychic pain, it does not sound as if you have hit your "rock bottom". Trust me, when you do, there will be no more excuses or rationalizations for not getting some help. The odds are so against you that you will conquer this without some form of assistance or support. Please seek help from someone!
I'll keep you in my prayers. Best of luck to you.
I hope that you are hanging in there. It is difficult what you are experiencing. Sounds like classic physical withdrawal. If it feels like too much, you can ask your doctor to help taper you. Hopefully, you are not uncomfortable for too many days. The psychological stuff can be overwhelming, too. Please find someone that you can trust to talk to.
It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate, especially with your Mom's illness. As much as it would give her some degree of stress if you told her, she would have much more stress if anything happened to you as the result of the pill use. Usually, mothers love UNCONDITIONALLY, and she might be someone to start with. It might even empower her to attend meetings with you if you chose NA or AA, or even the doctor's visits. She would feel helpful and supportive.
Acceppting addiction as a disease is not an excuse to use, but it is an explanation for how and why things occur. Remembering that reminds us that we are indeed POWERLESS over our disease-just as your mother is powerless over the presence of her kidney disease. However, in NA, we believe that while we are NOT responsible for our disease, WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR RECOVERY. That means doing what we must in order to recover; just as your mother undergoes painful and constant dialysis in order to remain alive. For addicts, it is about REMAINING ALIVE. In NA, we believe that our disease is "progressive, incurable and fatal"! You have a responsiblity to address it.
For most of us, we have to reach a "rock bottom"-for some of us, it is financial; for others, social, in the form of humiliation; for others, legal and/or penal; for yet, others, it is drug-related disease and/or physical pain; and for others, it is psychic pain. For too many, it is a combination of many of these. Despite your psychic pain, it does not sound as if you have hit your "rock bottom". Trust me, when you do, there will be no more excuses or rationalizations for not getting some help. The odds are so against you that you will conquer this without some form of assistance or support. Please seek help from someone!
I'll keep you in my prayers. Best of luck to you.
Please update us on when you talk to your brother. It sounds like he would be a good person to confide in:) Yes, you do feel horrible right now....you just have to believe that it definitely GETS BETTER!!! You will absolutely see such a difference just a week from today. You won't need a "happy floaty feeling" to feel good!!!
I am not sure if I am supposed to post here, or flood this forum with a new post thread everytime i want to say something. I will post here for now I guess.
July 3rd, the first day I can remember not taking a pill BY CHOICE, not because I ran out or anything.
I cant sleep. The happy floaty feeling that used to surround me until i fell asleep is absent, i am cold, my stomach is in knots and my head is killing me. i stayed in bed until 4 pm curled up with a heating pad and my curtains shut tight. Now its almost 4am,,,
I think I am going to call up my brother, at a decent hour of course, and tell him I am going to stop by his place for a visit. He went through a tough time a few years back, after an incident left him with a lot of pain and not enough prescribed medication, hes doing fine now, no longer relying or enjoying any sort of drug, and I have been so selfishly asking him to supply me with "headache meds" only every so often so as not to arouse suspicion. How can I ask that of him? well i wont anymore, I think of all the people close to me, he may be the best one to talk to, hes been where I am.
Vicki,
My mother has kidney disease, she is currently doing peritoneal dialysis nightly. she is also depressed, weak and unhappy in her marriage. I feel that If i tell her, the added stress will harm her. I could never forgive myself if she were to get sicker because of me,
Khatzee,
When i return to school in the fall, I will look into any and all resources available to me, I will need to have my head in the right place, I am not paying all kinds of money just to throw it away.
jre1202,
I feel like I am the type of person who if I accept that addiction is a disease, i will feel as though I have an excuse. perhaps i am being naive. I guess i just thought i was being a child, living my life in a completely selfish manor, accepting everyones praise and trust and spitting in their faces. I realize I sound as though i am reacting negatively to your reply, please know that I am not, and I thank you for your response.
I thank you all for your responses.
MerJoy
I did not talk to anyone, i just moved so I now live about an hour from my family doctor. I think I may call
July 3rd, the first day I can remember not taking a pill BY CHOICE, not because I ran out or anything.
I cant sleep. The happy floaty feeling that used to surround me until i fell asleep is absent, i am cold, my stomach is in knots and my head is killing me. i stayed in bed until 4 pm curled up with a heating pad and my curtains shut tight. Now its almost 4am,,,
I think I am going to call up my brother, at a decent hour of course, and tell him I am going to stop by his place for a visit. He went through a tough time a few years back, after an incident left him with a lot of pain and not enough prescribed medication, hes doing fine now, no longer relying or enjoying any sort of drug, and I have been so selfishly asking him to supply me with "headache meds" only every so often so as not to arouse suspicion. How can I ask that of him? well i wont anymore, I think of all the people close to me, he may be the best one to talk to, hes been where I am.
Vicki,
My mother has kidney disease, she is currently doing peritoneal dialysis nightly. she is also depressed, weak and unhappy in her marriage. I feel that If i tell her, the added stress will harm her. I could never forgive myself if she were to get sicker because of me,
Khatzee,
When i return to school in the fall, I will look into any and all resources available to me, I will need to have my head in the right place, I am not paying all kinds of money just to throw it away.
jre1202,
I feel like I am the type of person who if I accept that addiction is a disease, i will feel as though I have an excuse. perhaps i am being naive. I guess i just thought i was being a child, living my life in a completely selfish manor, accepting everyones praise and trust and spitting in their faces. I realize I sound as though i am reacting negatively to your reply, please know that I am not, and I thank you for your response.
I thank you all for your responses.
MerJoy
I did not talk to anyone, i just moved so I now live about an hour from my family doctor. I think I may call
Hi~ Yes,you're in the right place. You've gotten some excellent advice so far. I'll just add this: You NEED to talk with someone close. We'll be here to support you BUT it doesn't take the place of physical presence. How ill is your Mom? Are you sure you can't talk with her? Please don't underestimate the strength of mothers. We're pretty tough!! I have a daughter near your age and, I swear, I'd give her my last breath....
Think about it...Also,talk with your doctor. This is not an unusual or shameful thing at all. It happens... Your doctor can help you get off the pills. And,sweetie,you need to stop. You can also stop on your own. You won't feel good for a week or so but it won't kill you. The thing is,you'll need on going support to help you stay away from the pills.
If you don't stop this now,you'll be 50 and addicted and sick. It doesn't get better...
Keep posting~
Vicki
Think about it...Also,talk with your doctor. This is not an unusual or shameful thing at all. It happens... Your doctor can help you get off the pills. And,sweetie,you need to stop. You can also stop on your own. You won't feel good for a week or so but it won't kill you. The thing is,you'll need on going support to help you stay away from the pills.
If you don't stop this now,you'll be 50 and addicted and sick. It doesn't get better...
Keep posting~
Vicki
It's great that you realize that your pill taking is a problem. It shows a lot of maturity for someone your age! I'm old enough to be your mom, and it took me half a lifetime to realize I had a problem:) I would suggest that you use your university as a place to find help. The people in their clinics would be helpful and discrete. If you just walked in to see a counselor, (not academic counselor), they would be able to steer you in the right direction. I know for sure that they could help you to detox, and you wouldn't believe how many NA and AA groups there are on college campuses.You are definitely NOT ALONE!
Hi there,
I believe that all of us here understand, as strange as that may seem.
I just posted to JED1974 about Narcotics Anonymous (NA). Please read it to see how the group makes recovery possible.
I would so strongly recommend that you find a group in your area so that you really have the support that you need. Part of recovering is understanding what addiction is and why we have no control over it. It is a disease that NEVER goes away, but that with the proper support, we CAN manage. In NA, we believe that we must first accept that we are addicts, that we are powerless over our DISEASE, and that our lives have become unmanageable as a result of our disease.
The group is truly anonymous, so please do not fear exposure.
What you have described in yourself sounds like part of the profile of an addictive personality. Believe it or not, when we try so hard to live up to the expectations around us, we also try to control things that we really have no control over. Likewise, we often feel that we can control our disease, and we have unusual ways of displaying self-centeredness. These are definite traits of addiction.
If you get a chance to study NA's 12 steps and listen to others share their experiences, you may get an opportunity to see where certain attitude changes will assist with coping skills and make you less likely to use. The 12 steps can be a little scary at first, because they call for so much introspection, as well as surrendering our will to a Higher Power-(whatever we choose: God, Buddha, a doorknob). I have heard a story about someone who used a cactus that had been in his backyard since childhood!
It may take time to find and truly trust your HP, but in time, you will trust that you can relinquish the need to control certain things.
A lot to understand; but, for groups like AA, NA, etc., millions of people around the world have found peace and serenity that they never would have dreamed as active addicts.
Please think about it, if you have no other source of support. They will completely understand and accept you. You sound like someone with a lot of potential who has a lot to lose. If you even think that life may be getting unmanageable (and it is if you are doing what you described), then NA may assist.
I wish you the best... freedom from the need to use and the serenity that we all deserve!
I believe that all of us here understand, as strange as that may seem.
I just posted to JED1974 about Narcotics Anonymous (NA). Please read it to see how the group makes recovery possible.
I would so strongly recommend that you find a group in your area so that you really have the support that you need. Part of recovering is understanding what addiction is and why we have no control over it. It is a disease that NEVER goes away, but that with the proper support, we CAN manage. In NA, we believe that we must first accept that we are addicts, that we are powerless over our DISEASE, and that our lives have become unmanageable as a result of our disease.
The group is truly anonymous, so please do not fear exposure.
What you have described in yourself sounds like part of the profile of an addictive personality. Believe it or not, when we try so hard to live up to the expectations around us, we also try to control things that we really have no control over. Likewise, we often feel that we can control our disease, and we have unusual ways of displaying self-centeredness. These are definite traits of addiction.
If you get a chance to study NA's 12 steps and listen to others share their experiences, you may get an opportunity to see where certain attitude changes will assist with coping skills and make you less likely to use. The 12 steps can be a little scary at first, because they call for so much introspection, as well as surrendering our will to a Higher Power-(whatever we choose: God, Buddha, a doorknob). I have heard a story about someone who used a cactus that had been in his backyard since childhood!
It may take time to find and truly trust your HP, but in time, you will trust that you can relinquish the need to control certain things.
A lot to understand; but, for groups like AA, NA, etc., millions of people around the world have found peace and serenity that they never would have dreamed as active addicts.
Please think about it, if you have no other source of support. They will completely understand and accept you. You sound like someone with a lot of potential who has a lot to lose. If you even think that life may be getting unmanageable (and it is if you are doing what you described), then NA may assist.
I wish you the best... freedom from the need to use and the serenity that we all deserve!
Welcome to the forum. Telling people that can be supportive of us is always a good idea and it usually surprises us how supportive people are. It's not like you thought by starting doing this you would get addicted. Others on here can help you with a taper plan or tell you how to cold turkey. My drug of choice is meth so I can be supportive now and really help with the after care stuff but can't speak a whole lot to the pills part. People will read your post and comment later maybe some tomorrow.
Good luck
Becca
Good luck
Becca
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