Finally took the plunge..I want 9 more to join!!!!

[bmdad]

I've been posting on here for a few months now. I never really shared the reasons I came back to this forum. This whole time I felt like a hypocrite giving advice and encouraging others. The reason why I felt like a hypocrite was because I was actually using 10 mg hydros myself. I had been back on them for just about a year after being clean for a year or so. I started taking them again due to some painful back problems along with sciatica. It feels like 2 of my vertebrates are rubbing together causing discomfort. The sciatica feels like someone is jabbing a knife in my hip and just moving it around. The pain has been quite extreme. Over a year ago I was taking around 25 or so 10mg hydros. This go around I was mainly sticking to around 2 just in the evening in order to get some sleep. I weighed the options before getting back on them. I decided for quality of life. I also swore to myself that if I took more than prescribed I would flush them and go cold turkey. For the last week or so I started taking more than prescribed. I knew what I had to do. Although I broke my promise for about a week, I took my last New Years Eve and flushed the rest before bed. I finally decided my time has come. I am very nervous (not scared) and also so very anxious...in a good way. I want my life back and plan on keeping it that way. I go in for steroid injections in my back Jan 11th so hopefully I can get some relief. If not, it doesn't matter. I am done with the narcotic pain meds. I know there are so many other ways out there to help with my pain. I am all stocked up on the amino acid protocol as it worked wonders in the past. It was no miracle but did help. I also have neurontin that I was prescribed for nerve pain. It really seems to help with withdrawals. Once again, no miracle but does take some symptoms away. I do have about 10 clonodine left from before but not sure if I'll use them. They do help but the neurontin seemed to help more. As of now I'm 5 minutes away from my last dose 48 hours ago. I'm hanging in there. Not doing wonderful, but hanging in there. I served in Iraq and I know since I made it through there, I can make it through this. This is one fight I will come out of victorious. The way I see it it's the only way. I'm just so sick of the cycle and know I have to put a end to it for good. I've been off and on these horrible pills for over 3 years and am finished. I have a lovely wife and two amazing kiddos that don't deserve me as a dad right now. I am going to change this once and for all. Whenever I look them in the eye I feel like they don't deserve me. I'm there for them every second of every day but can't handle what they don't know I'm putting them through. I feel everything happens for a reason and I feel this happened just to make me a stronger and better person. For everyone else going through this please remember it can be done. What's one week of your life for a lifetime of sobriety? It's a walk in the park. It is worth every bit of it. We know we can't use forever so why not start now? I am starting now and I'm not stopping until I'm clean. I know many say relapse is part of recovery but right now relapse is not even in my vocabulary. I will succeed!!!
I wish everyone else the best of luck. For those of you just starting, lets do this together. Let's see if we can get 10 of us to start right now!!! I'm gonna post my name in another post right after this. Please, if anyone else is on board, post your name right after mine. Lets do this together!!! We can motivate each other and motivation is key! Mind over matter!!!
Best of luck to all!!!
Semper Fi
Brian

[bmdad]

Number one on the list....

1) Brian

Need 9 more!!! Come join the fight!!!

[dominosarah]

Im glad you finally decided to get honest and do this.  Make you the No.1 priority now.  Your family is proud of you.....now you have to get to the point where you are proud of yourself.  You fight this with everything you have.....You can and will do this.     sara

[bmdad]

Thanks Sarah!!!! I am still in pain but know I can't stay on the pills forever so now is my time.

Mika Blu
I'm so sorry for all the pain you have to endure. It is not fair. I wish there was a way to make it all go away. You shouldn't feel bad having to take the meds if they are needed. There are times I need the meds but I can't seem to keep my use under control. That is the reason I need to stop. It does sound like you are under medicated. Have you tried a second opinion or a pain management clinic? If one med isn't working, you need to find someone that can help. There is also a pain management forum here on med help that may help you. At the top of the page click on forums. It will bring up a list of all the forums. You will see it listed. You should check it out.
Please join the list. I just put that up to try and get people motivated to to stop. You sound like you aren't able to stop because of the pain. If you are trying to take less, we will be here to support you. If you aren't able to, we will still support you in every way possible.
You are going through so much and I feel horrible that you have to deal with all the pain. I'm here for you even if you just need to vent.
I hope you can fine something that works!!
Best of luck to you!!!!!
Brian

[Beccabeccalynn]

Brian I am so glad you shared good on you. Now that your addict doesn't have a dirty little secret it can't hold anything over your head. Your head and heart are in the right place. You can do this no doubt about it. you can pm me any time if you need. Your words on here have helped me and I don't fel as if they were ill given. I hope your burden is lifted tonight
thinking of you
Becca

[Jimmy1975]

Hi Brian I'm Jimmy . Don`t worry about feeling like a hypocrite I did the same thing myself the first time I got clean . I always say to people who judge , Look in your own closet before you clean mine !  Peace Jimmy

[narla]

It's so good that you've been honest with yourself,you'll do this and we're all here to help-Hugs  Denise

[SophieShine]

I'm soooooo glad you're doing this..... finally!
You hang in there, you seem to have a good plan, any aftercare? Think about it, just an idea...
Sending you tons of support.
xoxoxo. sophie.

[Amaryllis1974]

Brian!!
No, don't feel guilty! I have done it, and almost every person I know in NA has done it....
It's okay!! What beats the "secret" times ten is the "truth"...always.
It's so hard to do what you have done.
So proud of you !!! I am on board, by the way.
#2 Amy

[fogmussher]

Do I qualify? I'm at 48 hrs with absolutely nothing. Not even an Advil. I'm proud of you too.
Fog

[kona2009]

Hey BMC how are you.  This is the old army220 with a new screen Kona2009.  I am only 4 days away from you so I right there with you for this long journey.  I was here before just like you and it kept me clean for a long time.  For some reason I am here again.  I gonna stick with with ya bro.

It's easier the second time around especially when my wife knows about it.  I hope you get your wife involved and it will take a ton of bricks off your shoulders.

Stay in Touch
Kevin

[Sjoggie]

Hi!

The neurontin should help.  At least it did for me.  It took away the pain and creepy legs.  I started at too high a dose but have that lowered now.

The clonidine also really helped with being shaky and panic.

Of course, I had been on oxycontin and percocets.

I wish you the very best and a very easy withdrawal.

Lizzy

[jstntime]

Hey bm!!!!!

If only 2% of those who have ever received help from you decide to help you get through this, you will have many hands on you.

You reached down to me when I needed it badly.  I could not have done this without your help.  I watch you reach out to people and see you literally write 5000 word essays to complete strangers.

It is so nice to see you take the plunge.  A hypocrite you are not.  Your kids don't deserve YOU????  Wow, you live for your kids.  Stop beating yourself up, a bad father would not take the steps you are taking now.  It doesn't matter how you got in "the club", you are here now and are doing something about it.

I did a little counting and I think I get #4 on your list??  Yes I'm getting on your list.  (the recovery list, not the elf one) I'm proud to be there, much like the pride I feel when you call me a friend.

Sorry Brian, no advice here......I got all mine from YOU!!!!!

Hang in there Buddy, if anyone deserves this, it is YOU.

Your friend,

bob

[dominosarah]

Put me down for #5.  This is about recovery and i am in recovery.  Doesnt matter if we are at 1 hr clean or 80 yrs clean.  We are all in this together.  For some of us that have been clean for awhile we still are a work in progress and we learn something from each one on here.  One day at a time is the motto and that is how we all live.......sara

[gizzy32]

Best of luck buddy. You got here on MH the same time i did 2 years ago and it`s great to see you posting again. Proud of you for doing this, your a good guy.

P.S. The Bears suck hehe:)

[bmdad]

Thanks for all the kind words. Glad to see so many jump on the band wagon!! You all are amazing and have helped so many! I'm lucky to be a part of this forum. I know I couldn't do it without each and every one of you! For those ahead of me in clean time, don't ever let me catch you!!!!
I know I can do this and I will. Failure is not a option. I'm on day three and taking it a hour at a time. Before I know it I'll be at a week, then a month, and then a year.
Looks like we have #6 on the list counting Gizzy! Only need 4 more. Unless we want to make the list bigger. I know I would love to have at least 20 on the list if not more!  The more we have, the more motivation we will have! We can all be accountable for each other!. Please, everyone join the Clean Club of 2010!!!! We can all do this together!!! Get on here even if it's just to vent!!!!!
Thank you all so much!!!
Brian

[bmdad]

By the way Gizzy........The Bills...I have to say they suck too!! I can't argue about the Bears comment!!! What a horrible season!!!

[gizzy32]

LOL. They Bills are even worse. What is with the football odds today. The Bills are favoured by 9 over the Colts, wtf. Even though Manning will not be playing much. The panthers are favoured over that pats by 9 too. Gonna win some money today.:)

[WDsRawful]

Put me down on your list too!  I've been clean for almost 2 months now, but so what?  I can still be on your list!  congratulations on taking the plunge.  You're doing so great and I'm proud of you!!

[gnarly_1]

hey dude...glad to see you make the jump b/4 you wound up like me 10+yrs of pills
and 6 1/2yrs of methadone trying to chase back pain away...it all starts out so innocently just a pill here or there to keep me out of sever back pain then it gets to
2 pills then 3 then in the end I was eating them by the handful ...I know now thats why
everything they tried dident work ...when they put me on methadone I thought wow
finely some relief but it was only a few yrs b/4 I had a falling out with my pain management dr and wound up at a methadone clinic...again just to kill the pain
and feed the addiction only to have it run out of control all the way to 150mg and no cure for my pain...its funny how the brain works...its as if it created the pain so I would feed the addiction ..today I got 76 days clean ...and yes my back bothers me
but not nearly as bad as it did will I was on the methadone....go figure...its like once your off the narcotics a wile your body adjusts its pain clock to reset itself and now
I find that motrin and tylonol actuly work ...I hope you have the same experience
that once your off you find the otc stuff works for you to..and dude your doing so much for your kids by getting clean at your age..my addiction was just starting out
when I was your age ...if you ask my kids they will tell you I was a great dad....took them fishing ,camping ,hunting, hiking you name it I always tried to be a good dad
but I somehow wounder how much better of a dad I could have been had I not been under the influence of some sort of narcotic most of there lives...what your doing is huge both for them and for you.....you wont live with guilt or shame you will be able to put your head up high ...your an auasum dude Ive read alot of your posts you can and will make it thew this  ....you have made a diference in my life as well as many others im shure...so good luck to you...I will pray for your sucsess ...Gnarly  

[gnarly_1]

Oooo  and add me to your list...thanks

[bmdad]

Thanks to all.
I know what you mean about the kids. While on the pills I still bent over backwards for them and for my wife. I never had a addiction until I hurt my back that led to surgery. LIke you said, it all started off innocently. I do think I could have done more with them not being on the pills. I know I will get there and life will be so much better. I was clean for a year and felt amazing. I want to feel like that again and I will.
Well, we have 8 on the list! Lets keep it going!!!!! The more the merrier.!!!

1)Brian
2)Am
3)Fogmusser
4) Bob
5)Sarah
6)Gizzy
7)WDsRawful
8)gnarly_1
9)
10)

If I missed anyone, let me know! We can do this together!!! If anyone needs anything,please let me know!!!

[wooworld]

I am in. This is day six for me and I want it to be the last time I go through this. I want a drug free lifestyle. All you guys are great inspiration. For the first few days of withdrawls I was too sick to post but I read and read and read during all those sleepless nights. Thanks everyone for the courage you all show.

[bmdad]

Congrats on your clean time wooworld!! Keep going strong. You can do this!!!

1)Brian
2)Am
3)Fogmusser
4) Bob
5)Sarah
6)Gizzy
7)WDsRawful
8)gnarly_1
9) wooworld

[narla]

Narla just has to be on your list,we're all working together,Narla AKA  Denise