Getting Busted, a Blessing in Disguise.

[lesson_learned]

evening. Last week I got a blessing in disguise, I'd been abusing vicodin since last fall. Getting 3 refills a month. I came up with every excuse to keep taking them as directed. Then some a$$clown suggested I crush them to get a stronger effect, me being an addict,did so. Well, I got busted the FIRST time I did it. As I said, it was for the best. Doc will no longer prescribe narcotic classed drugs to me-ever. Said I broke my narcotic agreement, which pretty much black lists me from getting narcotics anywhere, ever in my life. Hopefully I won't ever need them for something serious, now that I've gone and been a fool, and screwed everything up. >:(
I'm angry at myself. Can't believe I was so weak.

She referred me to a substance abuse doctor, who called me and interviewed me. I'm having such a hard time. This discontinuance occurred three days before I was due for a refill. So I split them up into 5's from 10's. I've been sneezing, unable to sleep long, diarrhea,body aches, my injury seems to hurt 3x worse. But this is for the best. I'm not making excuses anymore. It's so easy to wrap up addiction into a pretty little package...and yet so hard to see it for what it *really* is. I wish I was strong...on Thursday, at 12pm I will take my last dose of Vicodin, hopefully ever. I see this substance doctor on Friday at 3:30pm -well- into withdrawals. I'm scared..like anyone else. I don't even know how to live sober. I set up an apt with a substance abuse councilor but I don't see them until Aug10th. I hope I can post here for support. I know I screwed up, so I don't need any hard talk, just need some support so I stay on the right path. I can't sleep either =( I heard Effexor is good for the anxiety and even pain relief.  I'm kinda moody, find myself crying at the drop of a hat....I gotta get through this. Help. I'm an addict, and I f*ked up. Big Time. ="(

[lesson_learned]

Thanks everyone for your support :)  (First responder: You know those "nose checks you get at the doc's office? That's how. Stupid, I know, but when your on that high, you feel invisible...I get stupid about drugs.

I  also checked out the Thomas recipe, it helps, even a little. I've been drinking a lot of water, and took some potassium and magnesium, and aleve, I also took an ambien for sleep. I've taken these off and on, and luckily don't seem to have a problem, but to not risk my doctor directed sparingly. Since it's 1am and I'm still wide awake, I'm taking one. but also going to get the other stuff on the recipe tomorrow.

I mean to do this. I sat outside on my porch tonight, and just stared at the sky, it was one of those "eye of the storm" moments. Usually my mind is so jumbled with a million things, that I am overwhelmed. Tonight,  I felt this clarity and peace, I haven't felt in so long. Hard as it is, being high loses it's awesomeness pretty fast. Vicodin makes me, happy one minute, pissed off the next,I go from social butterfly to an exact example of hikikomori. I will no longer be a prisoner of a little white pill. And thank you so much, everyone for your support. I really mean that, bless you.  

[lesson_learned]

My doctor mentioned that when one has been on narcos a long time that they stop being as effective anyhow. May be some truth to that. Either way after this. I plan on NOT touching this again. Definitely not all fun and games, denial is a powerful drug, my friends. Sorry I'm posting so much just thinking a lot, and not want to be tihnking about the fact im still awake.

[pillfree21]

You are the right place for the moment, no one will judge you here for sure.  One of my greatest challenges was to develop the ability to forgive myself for all the things I do or did not do while chasing the pillhigh and/or running from the WDs...that is no life to live and I realized that it has all happened so all I can do is move forward to heal myself which means I am healing all those old wounds.

I watched Kung Fu Panda yesterday with my 5 yr old and the turtle (Master Ugway) said this that stuck with me....."The past is history, the future is a mystery, but the TODAY IS A GIFT, that is why they call it the THE PRESENT!

You will look back on these days and be thankful that something happened to wake you up out this fog that all of us having walking in for so long....good luck.

[lesson_learned]

I like that saying its nice. My sleep was horrible, broken at best. Few hours here, few hours there. I won't lie, I FEEL like Blah.My body is punishing me for punishing -it- for so long. My nose is running away, still have diarrhea. Guess I'm just checking in.

[lesson_learned]

I wish there was someone on the forums today, I feel just awful ='( I'm tempted to go seeking cause the wd's are so bad. Good thing for me, I can barely move off the bed. Anyone out there?

[dominosarah]

I am here.........keep talking.  Using is not an option.....Getting better is.  This part is only temporary and you can do this.           sara