Aa
Hello--From a fed up oxy addict
Hi folks, I've been reading this message board for over a year now. You folks are fantastic!!!! It takes a fellow addict to know exactly what is going on. I've been abusing oxy for 2 1/2 years now. Anywhere from 75 to 150 mg per day. I averaged about 90 mgs but would usually spike to 150 or more on weekends. I certainly don't get "high" anymore. This will be my 3rd attempt at quitting. I made it 8 days once,10 the other. I'm 50 years young and now's the time.
Sunday was my last "official" day of work until Spring. Tomorrow, Monday, November 1st, I pull the plug. I'll have to get a part time job in the interim but I don't see myself physically able to do that for at least 2 weeks. In fact, my dear wife of 20+ yrs thinks that I'll be out tomorrow morning looking for a part time job for the winter but of course I can't do that since I know my withdrawals will kick in the very near future. Imagine that----- another lie.
Nobody has any idea that I've been living this charade for the past 2 1/2 years. (That is, at least in my clouded perception of things, nobody knows?) I do know that if I don't clean up now, I can see things getting real ugly. I've zero medical reasons for using oxy. I can't imagine going thru this with legitimate pain issues. God bless those of you who do! I was just using for what once was a high. Anyways, I'm going to need some help, and by writing about my recovery, I'm hoping that it will help me get through and also that those in a similar situation will find some sort of [Fill-in-the-blank-here] from reading my travails as I certainly have benefitted from reading others stories here.
My poor wife is and has been, in the dark about all this. She can't figure out why love making and many other "normal" things are no longer important to me and to see that in her beautiful brown eyes tears me apart. I'm about to get the killer "flu" for 5-7 days. Shes' never seen me in full blown withdrawal and I'm hoping this is my final lie. I've got the Thomas Recipe, (which I've never tried b4) multi-vits, Hylands, Valerian & Melatonin ready. Just bought a new leaf blower and am hoping to use it & the push-mower for some forced outdoor exercise the next few long-long anxiety riddled days. Rain, rain, stay away, come again some other day. (Like when I'm sober again!) My past two attempts failed because I thought it would all magically be over in 5-7 days. I didn't realize that the process takes much longer. Can anyone tell me from their own experience when I should feel well enough to tackle a part time job?
Well.....here goes! I hope I'll feel well enough to write the next few days. Sorry for all the "I's!
Thanks everybody, for listening.
Toby
Sunday was my last "official" day of work until Spring. Tomorrow, Monday, November 1st, I pull the plug. I'll have to get a part time job in the interim but I don't see myself physically able to do that for at least 2 weeks. In fact, my dear wife of 20+ yrs thinks that I'll be out tomorrow morning looking for a part time job for the winter but of course I can't do that since I know my withdrawals will kick in the very near future. Imagine that----- another lie.
Nobody has any idea that I've been living this charade for the past 2 1/2 years. (That is, at least in my clouded perception of things, nobody knows?) I do know that if I don't clean up now, I can see things getting real ugly. I've zero medical reasons for using oxy. I can't imagine going thru this with legitimate pain issues. God bless those of you who do! I was just using for what once was a high. Anyways, I'm going to need some help, and by writing about my recovery, I'm hoping that it will help me get through and also that those in a similar situation will find some sort of [Fill-in-the-blank-here] from reading my travails as I certainly have benefitted from reading others stories here.
My poor wife is and has been, in the dark about all this. She can't figure out why love making and many other "normal" things are no longer important to me and to see that in her beautiful brown eyes tears me apart. I'm about to get the killer "flu" for 5-7 days. Shes' never seen me in full blown withdrawal and I'm hoping this is my final lie. I've got the Thomas Recipe, (which I've never tried b4) multi-vits, Hylands, Valerian & Melatonin ready. Just bought a new leaf blower and am hoping to use it & the push-mower for some forced outdoor exercise the next few long-long anxiety riddled days. Rain, rain, stay away, come again some other day. (Like when I'm sober again!) My past two attempts failed because I thought it would all magically be over in 5-7 days. I didn't realize that the process takes much longer. Can anyone tell me from their own experience when I should feel well enough to tackle a part time job?
Well.....here goes! I hope I'll feel well enough to write the next few days. Sorry for all the "I's!
Thanks everybody, for listening.
Toby
Hey Toby good to see you hanging in there you willl have good days great days and days that just su ck...its all part of this that why we do it just for today....every day will have its own challenges...im happy to here your seeking out aftercare...it beats have to do this over and over again your attitude rocks your going to be one of the ones that makes it out of this mess good job my friend good job....and yes its only going to get better healing takes time
but each week that goes by you will make gains good luck and God bless....Gnarly
but each week that goes by you will make gains good luck and God bless....Gnarly
Toby, So proud of you. You always sound positive even when you don't feel so hot. I have been in sales my whole life and we have always said "fake it till you make it" it really works. Hope you have a great week at work, and keep that guard up.
I hope you learn how to accept friendship requests, I am sending again. It should tell you where to click to accept. I am going to have to give you some tutoring, lol. Best wishes to you friend. Andrew
I hope you learn how to accept friendship requests, I am sending again. It should tell you where to click to accept. I am going to have to give you some tutoring, lol. Best wishes to you friend. Andrew
One more semi-cogent point before I take my leave and hopefully get another 8 hrs of well earned zzzzzzz's------
"He was too old, old, old, to rock & roll, roll, roll..... but he was too young to die."
Music is sating, stimulating and can be healing for the soul once your soul......is reawakened. Thank God I'm alive once more. Keep fighting that fight..........
Toby
"He was too old, old, old, to rock & roll, roll, roll..... but he was too young to die."
Music is sating, stimulating and can be healing for the soul once your soul......is reawakened. Thank God I'm alive once more. Keep fighting that fight..........
Toby
Andrew/Fassfeat & all who read this,
I too, do hope that those who are struggling will read this and prosper. My first 2 attempts at quitting failed because I didn't have a gung-ho, take no prisoners attitude. My first attempt at quitting was one yr in. My second, 2 yrs in and now my 3rd, 3 yrs in. This is the longest I've ever made it by far. We are talking about life & death here. It was/is finally time to fight for my life. I want it back. I gave 3 yrs away. Those 3 yrs cost me much that I hold dear.
So far, so good. Earlier today I made the comment that here, near the end Day 17 clean, I don't quite feel like Fred Flintstone yelling YABBADABBADO!!!!!!! But I'll be damned if I don't feel better than Barney Rubble on a decent day. I've slept for over 7 hrs EACH of the the last 2 nights. My mind is crisper. Fried for so long, so......so long but now there is that old spark whistling a slow but determined whistle and it really feels good to know that it will only get better with time.
I've always loved my wife. Adored her, really. We have 3 wonderful children, 2 grown and married boys and one 20 yr old daughter and 4 grandchildren. I have a family. I'm just now getting them all back. Funny, when we're using we fool ourselves into thinking honky is dorry and dorry is honky & that all is honky-dorry. I'm trying to make amends and I think I'm succeeding. My poor wife, I'm gonna wear her out but I see she's enjoying it, afterall, it's been 3 yrs. [wink]
I went to the doctor today for the first time in 3 yrs and was told that I'll live forever if I can just get my blood pressure a bit lower. I think my BP's high because of my withdrawal. I kind of sugarcoated the WD's here but we all know better. The only thing that got me thru was/is my positive attitude. Now, I'm hitting aftercare. And that's a good thing.
I'm going out of town again for work, until next week, in the next day or so. I'm looking forward to it this time. All in all, I'm pretty damn proud of myself.
Thanks to all, for listening. And Andrew, only I can know how that thing you have in your soul has touched me. You are a fine man. Finer than you know. Thank you!
Toby
I too, do hope that those who are struggling will read this and prosper. My first 2 attempts at quitting failed because I didn't have a gung-ho, take no prisoners attitude. My first attempt at quitting was one yr in. My second, 2 yrs in and now my 3rd, 3 yrs in. This is the longest I've ever made it by far. We are talking about life & death here. It was/is finally time to fight for my life. I want it back. I gave 3 yrs away. Those 3 yrs cost me much that I hold dear.
So far, so good. Earlier today I made the comment that here, near the end Day 17 clean, I don't quite feel like Fred Flintstone yelling YABBADABBADO!!!!!!! But I'll be damned if I don't feel better than Barney Rubble on a decent day. I've slept for over 7 hrs EACH of the the last 2 nights. My mind is crisper. Fried for so long, so......so long but now there is that old spark whistling a slow but determined whistle and it really feels good to know that it will only get better with time.
I've always loved my wife. Adored her, really. We have 3 wonderful children, 2 grown and married boys and one 20 yr old daughter and 4 grandchildren. I have a family. I'm just now getting them all back. Funny, when we're using we fool ourselves into thinking honky is dorry and dorry is honky & that all is honky-dorry. I'm trying to make amends and I think I'm succeeding. My poor wife, I'm gonna wear her out but I see she's enjoying it, afterall, it's been 3 yrs. [wink]
I went to the doctor today for the first time in 3 yrs and was told that I'll live forever if I can just get my blood pressure a bit lower. I think my BP's high because of my withdrawal. I kind of sugarcoated the WD's here but we all know better. The only thing that got me thru was/is my positive attitude. Now, I'm hitting aftercare. And that's a good thing.
I'm going out of town again for work, until next week, in the next day or so. I'm looking forward to it this time. All in all, I'm pretty damn proud of myself.
Thanks to all, for listening. And Andrew, only I can know how that thing you have in your soul has touched me. You are a fine man. Finer than you know. Thank you!
Toby
Toby, You are doing so good. I wish everyone that is struggling would read this entire post. You prove the power of a positive mindset and determination. Keep on keeping on. You are doing great. Congrats on sweet sixteen. Andrew
Friends,
Dawn of Day 16. "Sweet Sixteen".
7 blessed hours of sleep last night. 7 straight, consecutive, unconscious hours of bliss.
On Day 10 I had a complete blood test done. Results came back yesterday. Remember Jack LaLanne? The fitness freak who was going to live forever but managed to die anyways? I made him look like a pansy. Except for my BP but I'm going to the doc for a full physical tomorrow to take care of that.
Just wanted to share the good news and am hoping this sleep isn't just a freak occurrence. It's only 5:07 AM right now but I'm wide awake and ready to head out the door in an hour. A busy day awaits and I don't have to worry about scoring or how many pills are in my pocket. Thank you, Lord.
Toby
Dawn of Day 16. "Sweet Sixteen".
7 blessed hours of sleep last night. 7 straight, consecutive, unconscious hours of bliss.
On Day 10 I had a complete blood test done. Results came back yesterday. Remember Jack LaLanne? The fitness freak who was going to live forever but managed to die anyways? I made him look like a pansy. Except for my BP but I'm going to the doc for a full physical tomorrow to take care of that.
Just wanted to share the good news and am hoping this sleep isn't just a freak occurrence. It's only 5:07 AM right now but I'm wide awake and ready to head out the door in an hour. A busy day awaits and I don't have to worry about scoring or how many pills are in my pocket. Thank you, Lord.
Toby
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