Help And Support Please (Hydrocone Addiction)

[Sanchez97]

Hello everyone.  Not sure if I am supposed to start my own thread, but I wanted to make sure people read it.  I have been addicted to pain pills in the past.  I have quit several times.  The longest I lasted was a year.  However, I am using again.  I don't have a reason or excuse.  My life hit a very stressful time and I began taking hyrdrocodone again.  I take 3-4 7.5mg hyrdros/day, which is much less than what I've been into before.  But it doesn't change the fact that I still have a problem.  The last time I quit was when my wife found out.  I'm lucky to still have her.  I believe I lasted about 6 months that time.  I always tell myself I can quit whenever I want.  LOL.  Easy to say.  But here I am again, and she has no idea.  I have easy access to them at work.  I never take them home or into my house.  In fact, I rarely take any on the weekend.  But come Monday morning, I'm right back at it.  I feel like a bad person.  I break down into tears when I look at the pictures of my family in my office.  I feel like I am failing them, and myself.  I keep saying to myself that I will quit, but I haven't.  I'm not being a good husband or dad.  Sure, I do everything a dad is supposed to do.  I mow the yard, grill for the family, give baths, clean, feed the baby, change diapers, go on walks with the family and so on...  But I am blowing my family's money on pills and I simply don't feel like the man I used to be, and could be.  I have always quit on my own, cold turkey.  But I haven't ever seeked help, not even online. So here I am.  I have 2 and 1/2 pills in my drawer at work, and I want those to be the last I take.  I have been reading this forum all morning, right after I took 1 and 1/2 pills.  I know 3-4 pills 5 days a week may not sound like much to some people, but it doesn't change the fact that it has consumed me.  That is also a lot of money when you are paying street value.  I want to quit without my family and friends finding out there is a problem.  If I fail, then perhaps I will open up to everyone.  But my hope is that I can do this on my own, with help from people on here.  I have a prescription for klonopin (panic disorder).  It is legite.  I take onlly take 1mg/day, even though I am prescribed 2mg/day.  I'm hoping that the klonopin might help ease the withdrawal.  I've never abused klonopin, always take less than prescribed.  Anyway, sorry for the long rant.  I have decided to quit tomorrow.  I just want to be a good husband and dad.  I want to quit living a lie.  I want to look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.  So wish me luck and good luck to everyone else.  I'm all ears.  Best wishes.

[Sanchez97]

Not craving any more.  Looks like I'll make it through another day.  No wonder I'm not craving.  I ate White Castle for lunch.  I'm not craving anything.  Seriously, why the hell did I eat that crap?  OMG.  Worst idea ever.  I think it messed up my stomach so bad I don't want to take in any substance of any kind right now.  I have considered aftercare.  But first I'm gonna use my best friend who went through the same thing and see how that goes.  As far as friends go, they are all clean...as far as I know.  Except alcohol...but I like to have a few beers from time to time so that doesn't bother me.  I have a great group of clean friends and a wonderful family...thank God.  Work day almost over and it is hot and sunny here.  Which is good.  That means I can be outside with my kids when I get home.  Being outside is my best therapy.  White Castle...sheesh.

[IBKleen]

Sanchez, have you considered an aftercare program? I will use the fellowships of NA/AA as an example. It's a group of people like yourself who understand what you are going through and can give you suggestions to get through the mental part of this. It is also a place to make new friends---healthy friends. And it is free!!

So many people get to this point and say the heck with it. They feel like they have nothing to look forward to. Not true. there is life after drugs and you need to want it and go after it with all you have.

I hate to see you suffer like this. I hope you will think about doing something.

[tigerlily11]

You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stay strong. Do not give in. I was just reading this post and you are so strong and amazing! In one of the post you mention in times of weakness you pull out your daughters picture and say I promise. Well try that now! Stay strong we are in this fight together!

[Sanchez97]

Haven't given in.  Fighting the urge.  arrgh.....

[Sanchez97]

I've made it 6 days.  I thought the worst migh be over, but today is the hardest, especially the mental part.  I felt good all weekend and didn't even have the urge.  But I sure do this morning.  I didn't sleep good last night and my whole body is sore.  Not pain.  Just an overall cruddy feeling.  Probably has more to do with being out in the sun and lack of sleep than anything.  But one little pill would make it go away.  Friday I had a lot more energy.  I'm just going to have to suck it up today and dig deep for some energy.  Would have been a good day to stay home, but can't.  Wish me luck and thanks again.  Best wishes everyone...

[Sanchez97]

today is day 3.  so far i haven't gone through the lying on the bathroom floor in pain stuff that you mention.  i did sit on the toilet for about an hour though.  i guess it is b/c my use wasn't as high as some people.  doesn't change the fact that i have to stop it now, like you said.  and i am here to support everyone as best i can.  last night was rough for awhile.  had a panic attack.  heart was racing.  finally fell asleep though.  and to be honest, i feel great this morning.  i know this feeling.  it is the feeling you get when the drug has completely left the system.  now i have to shut up those voices in my head that are saying "see, you can detox whenever you want."  that is what always gets me in trouble.  and the reality is that even though 3 days is good, in the grand scheme of things it isn't ****.  as soon as i see the coworker today i'm going to tell him.  i saw him late yesterday, he said "where you been?"  i said "saving money" and went on.  i know, its not all about money, that's just what came out, partially b/c he charges too much anyway.  glad i made it to friday, because this weekend i will get to get out and do some stuff to keep my mind off of it.  maybe go swimming or something.  still have a weird feeling that i'm gonna have a tough fight this afternoon.  but i just keep looking at my baby girl's picture and saying "i promise."  thanks again everyone.  will check back later.  the sun is shining today.  :-)