Help! Dependent on Pills!

[StupidPillAddict]

I have been taking Tylenol 3 for about two years regularly, at first it was 1 per day. Then 2, then 3. I stole from a 100/month for 6 months prescriptions from a relative. He would give me pills at first because I asked and was able to guilt him into it. Then I started stealing when he realized that I was becoming dependent and cut me off. I stole large quantities. I ate them and ate them and ate them.

Then I maxed out my credit cards with cash advance to get them off a dealer. Then I started spending $150/week on Vicodin. I would eat about 6 pills a day. Now I don't have money until next week. I know it's bull, but it feels almost as if the pills help me get through the day, encourage me to perform tasks I have to perform but normally wouldn't want to.

I go to psychologist regularly and he doesn't know or he'd have to report me if he deems my life to be at risk.

I can't go to addiction specialist because the visit will show up on my insurance and my parents will ask about it. And then I'd have to lay it out and they will not leave me alone and yell at me. I don't want to.

I'm like a grown up child. I used excuses. I hate myself because of that. I don't want to kill myself or anything like that but my pills ran out yesterday and today I took the one in my secret stash. I don't have anymore and don't have money for the week.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I have things to do...I have school, work, friends.

I want to quit but apparently not hard enough because I want my pills equally as much. I miss them already. Their buzz leaves me relaxed and unbroken. I love the buzz...

So tonight, I'm switching to weed. I'll never be addicted to weed. I've smoked it for the past 3 years and never felt the "yearn" like I did with the pills.

I don't want to go through withdrawal. It's the psychological aspect of it that bothers me. I break down. I don't want anything. I don't want to be creative and anything I make is below average. My job depends on my creativity.

I lie. I steal. I suck.

Why the hell was I even born? To be dependent on anything I touch?

This is not a forum question. I have no questions. Everything's pretty clear. I just needed to unwind somewhere...

[StupidPillAddict]

Thank you for your words. It's gotten worse. Today, my dad gave me some $$ because I complained about my "hard, sad" life. Please. 15 minutes later I had 15 pills. I'm calm now. Nauseous...which I tend to get sometimes from Vicodin. I take it in very small amounts since I'm low tolerance and I watch my intake for overdose.

I want this to be the last batch I ever get. But maybe it's the same thing as me saying it on the last batch of 30 pills.

Guys. There are no adequate words to describe the feeling of self-hatred and guilt that I have...I just took money from my loving caring dad and bought DRUGS with it! I used to yell at my friends for things like that. So what...I have an addiction and that excuses my evil deeds? It's not like it's a heroin addiction.

I have officially rotted away into being a weak-minded slave-junkie....one step away from being a *****, right?

Excuse me now...I have to go puke because my beautiful Vicodin has made me sick.

[worried878]

u dont suck...not u...ur addiction sux...and that is a part of u that u can "fix"  takes work...an awful lot of work...perhaps it is not ur time...but ur time will come/soon/I feel it in my bones./...u will no longer feel the pills give u a "buzz" u will be so sick and tired of being sick and tired that u will look at the pills as a ball and chain..they will cause u so much sadness vs euphoria..u will be almost happy to let them go..u r just not quite there yet..but the fact that u r posting here means u r moving forward...oneday..u will just know.....this just taint no fun anymore..u will realize u r chasing sumpin u will never catch again.....u may chase and chase and chase that feeling u once had...but the time will come when u realize it is gone...and no matter how much u chase it..u will never feel it again...and then/only then..u will let go..and it will be a relief to let it go

[salsinator]

Hello Fellow Addict,

Addiction does not discriminate, it loves anyone who will love it back.  Opaites will take hold of you and as you have quickly learned, they do not easily let go.  You are in the right place, but it does not sound like you are at the point where you really want to stop using.  You are going through withdrawal and if you don't get paid until next week and don't use, you will go through the worst of the withdrawal by then.  Consider your options, do you want the pain and hate that you have for yourself to go away, then stopping is the only way or the vicous cycle will continue over and over.  Read the Thomas Recipe in the health pages - it will help ease symptoms of withdrawal.  Keep posting, there are tons of great people here who will not judge you, will listen to you, and help you if you want it.  Take Care.