Here I go!!!

[Redjens45]

Took last pill this morning. Anxiety setting in. I know I gotta  go thru this, No other way out. Just feeling depressed. My boyfriend is doing it too. He seems to be fine. I on the other hand all caught up in my head. I decided to stay downstairs on the couch, let him stay upstairs. We are getting aggravated with one another. Also, I don't trust him. He made a stupid comment this morning." We just need.to find another doctor, if it didn't cost so ok much we would be fine" Are u joking me? I said. I have been buying on the streets. I didn't have insurance. I do have 3 slipped disc and in pain. Yes I now I have insurance, could go get more.  I also know it wouldn't be enough and here I go again. The thing that ***** the most is that I have choose, pills over my son. I make enough to do things for him. His dad died of over dose and I'm spending my son's SSI money. I have 10 dollars til Monday. Ok now that I got all that out, crying I'm depressed. Gonna try and sleep. Thanks everyone who keeps posting it helps.

[SmilingBright]

You CAN do this.  Yes anxiety is not fun  But it will come and go in waves.  Keep  looking forward.  
Will be praying for u!!!  

[EvolverU]

Congrats on your big decision. As Bkitty says, just breathe. This is your trial by fire and you absolutely CAN do this. Believe in yourself. Is there anyway that you and your boyfriend can do this separately? Could you stay w/ an understanding relative or friend? Eye-on-the-prizeness is what's called for here. Try not to think about what's going to happen a few hrs. or days down the line. Stay in the moment. When that 'black dog' whispers in your ear recognize it for what it is. Do things to keep yourself distracted: a funny movie, your favorite music w/ headphones (you won't have to listen to your boyfriend), a hot bath as often as you like, whatever you want to eat, etc. Treat yourself well. Hang tight. Stay on the site. We're here.

[FourJays]

You can do this . . . for YOU first and foremost, and for your son.  It is not easy but the reward for doing it FAR outweighs the temporary discomforts.  You really do need to cut your sources; as long as you are still connected your sobriety will constantly be challenged.  Stay close to this site and keep posting - a lot of experience and support here to help you get through this.  Good luck :)

[YesLife4Me]

Hi there!  I know you are scared of withdrawals.  that fear is what holds us in addiction.  Once you let go of that fear and embrace them as a step towards your new life, it will be ok.  You will get through this and the good thing is that you never have to do it again if you choose.  Bkitty is right, you must get rid of any contacts you have...otherwise when cravings hit or money is in hand, its way to easy to cave.  Put that money into something for your son or your family instead as a reward.  Focus on one thing at a time, including yourself and it will be ok.  The advice and people on here are great.  Stick around.  

[VICourageous]

Hi...I just wanted to say Ditto on what Bkiity said..She got right to the point..You stay strong and fight the beast..There is no looking back.....It becomes a whole new way of living..Some times it take a lot of changes to make it happen..I wish you well..You can do it...
May The Lord be with You...
vickie

[Bkitty]

Big deep breaths. Congratulations for taking your life back!! You made a big step today. I know how horrible the anxiety can be. The next few days to weeks your emotions are going to be all over the place. Depression is common. You will feel like you are on a roller coaster. Be kind, patient and gentle to yourself. I know how hard this is. You have to focus on YOU and not your boyfriend. And you are right. It will never be enough. It also sounds like you know first hand how this addiction can kill. Get a plan in place. Set up aftercare/NA. You also need to address the underlying issues that kept you abusing the pills other than pain. The mental issues. You also need to have a plan in place to manage your pain as well. There are some amazing people here at this forum at all different levels of recovery and sobriety. You must also get rid of your supply and suppliers. That is crucial!! I cant stress that enough. We are all here to help you. It can be a little slow on the weekends but someone will respond.

((((hugs))))