Aa
Here's my (long) story of opiate addiction. Any non judgmental insight??
A history on me: I had a severe shattered leg after an injury nearly 10 years ago. I was 25 at the time. I was prescribed Darvocet N-100 post-op. Up until then I hadn't barely touched advil for migraines I suffered from. I think I was given like 60 at a time. I only took them when I absolutely had to, and all they did was help me sleep through the horrible pain. They didn't know if I would even walk again. That was how bad my injury was.
In the hospital during the recovery of my 3rd (I've had 6 to date) surgery, before the PT came to help me navigate on crutches, they gave me 2 5/500 mg Vicodins. I did the PT, came back to my bed, never got a buzz, was still in pain, but started sweating profusely and itching. The nurse, myself and my mom thought this was because of all the activity I had, and not having properly showered in 3 days because of being in a hospital bed. I had a ton of metal and screws, etc., in my leg, so to even swing it down off the bed was mind blowing painful. So another nurse came in, and said 'well, looks like you're having an allergic reaction to the Vicodin. They sent me home with Tylenol 3s. Lots of them. I didn't start abusing them really til I realized that #1 I wasn't in that much pain and #2 I felt euphoria. My doc, in between surgeries, would refill them, 60 at a time, with no questions.
Go a year later when I met my now husband. Didnt have a problem anymore with the tylenol 3s, had a couple more surgeries and yeah, I took more than needed but could proceed to a 'normal' life when I ran out. THEN....my husband had to have a emergency root canal. He of course was given 16 Vicodin ES. He took one and passed out, being that he hardly even drinks or anything. Up til that point, I always told docs I was allergic to vics. That's what I thought anyway. But God knows why, I decided to try one of his vics. I decided to take halfMy God, did I get superpowers. I got up, cleaned, cooked, did stuff that had been being put off.Took some with me wherever I went, those last 14 lasted at least a week. Then I was out. Had been to my very credible doctor for 'back pain' (irony is now I actually have it chronically) and she gave me felxiril and told me it may make me feel as if I had a hangover the next day. It didn't, but I lied and called her the next day and said I hated how it made me feel. She immediately called in Vicodin 5/500 for me. I didn't know why it wasn't working like my husbands..? That's because I looked at the labels and he had ES, I had regular. So ok, take one and a half of mine. I was out within a week of the 30 she gave me. Then doctor shopping, pharmacy shopping, lying to everyone I knew, taking handfuls at a time, having horrible withdrawals, etc. That supply ran out and I went back to the doc that would give me some every 2 weeks. He made a deal that if I paid the $60 visit fee, he'd keep me at 15 a week. I did that for a bit til my hubby didn't trust me with $$ anymore and my family had an intervention. At this point on was on heavy doses of xanax from the same doc I just mentioned. needless to say, I was out of it and everyone knew. my mom and sis came over and were of no help in getting me help I needed; they were yelling and 'how could I do this to my baby' etc. Like it was a choice. so my sis and hubby took me to a local hospital, where after checking me in they said they couldn't help. I called a million places and found a doc that prescribed Suboxone (an opiate blocker that helps with cravings and withdrawals). I saw him, he was supportive and i was on the road to recovery. 2 problems: I didn't get any counseling in addition to the drug therapy and this new doc prescribed Fiorcet for my migraines. Those made me feel great, energized, etc. Uh-oh. Also, he wrote his rx's on a regular piece of paper that was printed out, no different than a printer you'd have at home. After a lil while, I started printing out rxs for Fiorcet on paper at home, getting it filled for cash at multiple pharmacies. Then I thought, well, that works so well, let's try to write for Vicodin. By this time I had stopped the suboxone so I knew the vics would work. I went to one pharmacy, more nervous than I ever was in my life. I wrote it for 60 with one refill...realistic enough. I went after hours so they couldn't call to verify, paid cash, etc. Got it. Was so thrilled, went and did it again and again and again. Never got caught, but if I happened to run out, would go through the WORST withdrawals. So, I kept doing it. After another ankle surgery, the ankle doc gave me percocet and vics to alternate. Wouldn't do refills though. SO back to the fake rxs. Got so selfish with it that I went during the day, cast on and all, with my 11 month old and hubby to a grocery store pharmacy. They were taking forever and I lied to my hubby about what rx I was getting filled. Told him to go to the car and i'd be right there. 20 minutes later, they give me the rx, I was on a scooter since I couldn't walk, SO excited to go home and take some, and here come the cops and stop me. Spent 48 hours in a disgustingly dirty city jail cell, and went to the courthouse with all the drunks, crackheads, wife beaters, etc., that were in other cells, and they said $800 or 30 days in jail. My father in law went to the bank and got the $. Within a year, I decided I was so desperate for more I tried it again. The pharmacist kept going in the back room, it was taking forever. So I paid, signed, and turned around. There was a cop telling me to put my hands behind my back. I nearly fainted, as I knew this time no one would care, help, etc. So Im in the back of a police car again, a new city, they searched my vehicle, and took me in. I was searched there, put in a cell, and there ya go. Because there was a cop that got shot the next day, I couldn't see a judge. So 48 hours again and I saw a judge. He said $2500 bail (it would be $250 to get me out that day).My mom put 5 minutes of time for me to talk to my hubby on the phone. THis was like 40 hours into being in a tiny smelly cell with a metal plank to sit on, with male cops looking in on you when you took a ****. I was bawling to my hubby, and I thought all he'd do was yell. he loves me just so much that he was just as distraught as i was; no lecture, etc. I begged him to come get me. He didn't have the $. So after the judge set bail, over 2 hours later and I knew no one was coming for me this time. A cop opened the door, took me to the booking room and had me put on my shoes and coat. Wow, the relief. But then the cuffed me and said I was going to county jail. They took me in, put me in a holding cell with one other woman, who turned out to be a prostitute who thought she may have H.I.V., then another woman came in who stabbed her lover, then a crack addict who got caught shop lifting formula to cell to inner city women so she could buy crack. In the other dozen or so cells, men were yelling and hollering and joking, and one was proud he had just killed a guy. I am not someone who puts myself in any mode to think that I am above anyone in this world, but if this wasn't rock bottom, then I didn't know what was.
My uncle, who is a sheriff at the county jail came and had his wife bail me out. I'm on probation for another month. My thing is now...I still have bad pain, a slipped disc, was just diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and my shoulder come out of socket. I cannot take NSAIDs since they raise my blood pressure and unfortunately cannot just live with the pain. Right now my doc has me on Norco twice a day. I refuse to do anything to get me in legal trouble ever again, but I'mm stuck between a rock and a painful place. I exercise, I take vitamins, etc., I do what all the natural ways say to do. Anyone who's kind of been where I'm at, as far as previous opiate or drug addiction but doesn't have a choice but to take pain meds?? Thanks for reading, please no judgment!!! xo
In the hospital during the recovery of my 3rd (I've had 6 to date) surgery, before the PT came to help me navigate on crutches, they gave me 2 5/500 mg Vicodins. I did the PT, came back to my bed, never got a buzz, was still in pain, but started sweating profusely and itching. The nurse, myself and my mom thought this was because of all the activity I had, and not having properly showered in 3 days because of being in a hospital bed. I had a ton of metal and screws, etc., in my leg, so to even swing it down off the bed was mind blowing painful. So another nurse came in, and said 'well, looks like you're having an allergic reaction to the Vicodin. They sent me home with Tylenol 3s. Lots of them. I didn't start abusing them really til I realized that #1 I wasn't in that much pain and #2 I felt euphoria. My doc, in between surgeries, would refill them, 60 at a time, with no questions.
Go a year later when I met my now husband. Didnt have a problem anymore with the tylenol 3s, had a couple more surgeries and yeah, I took more than needed but could proceed to a 'normal' life when I ran out. THEN....my husband had to have a emergency root canal. He of course was given 16 Vicodin ES. He took one and passed out, being that he hardly even drinks or anything. Up til that point, I always told docs I was allergic to vics. That's what I thought anyway. But God knows why, I decided to try one of his vics. I decided to take halfMy God, did I get superpowers. I got up, cleaned, cooked, did stuff that had been being put off.Took some with me wherever I went, those last 14 lasted at least a week. Then I was out. Had been to my very credible doctor for 'back pain' (irony is now I actually have it chronically) and she gave me felxiril and told me it may make me feel as if I had a hangover the next day. It didn't, but I lied and called her the next day and said I hated how it made me feel. She immediately called in Vicodin 5/500 for me. I didn't know why it wasn't working like my husbands..? That's because I looked at the labels and he had ES, I had regular. So ok, take one and a half of mine. I was out within a week of the 30 she gave me. Then doctor shopping, pharmacy shopping, lying to everyone I knew, taking handfuls at a time, having horrible withdrawals, etc. That supply ran out and I went back to the doc that would give me some every 2 weeks. He made a deal that if I paid the $60 visit fee, he'd keep me at 15 a week. I did that for a bit til my hubby didn't trust me with $$ anymore and my family had an intervention. At this point on was on heavy doses of xanax from the same doc I just mentioned. needless to say, I was out of it and everyone knew. my mom and sis came over and were of no help in getting me help I needed; they were yelling and 'how could I do this to my baby' etc. Like it was a choice. so my sis and hubby took me to a local hospital, where after checking me in they said they couldn't help. I called a million places and found a doc that prescribed Suboxone (an opiate blocker that helps with cravings and withdrawals). I saw him, he was supportive and i was on the road to recovery. 2 problems: I didn't get any counseling in addition to the drug therapy and this new doc prescribed Fiorcet for my migraines. Those made me feel great, energized, etc. Uh-oh. Also, he wrote his rx's on a regular piece of paper that was printed out, no different than a printer you'd have at home. After a lil while, I started printing out rxs for Fiorcet on paper at home, getting it filled for cash at multiple pharmacies. Then I thought, well, that works so well, let's try to write for Vicodin. By this time I had stopped the suboxone so I knew the vics would work. I went to one pharmacy, more nervous than I ever was in my life. I wrote it for 60 with one refill...realistic enough. I went after hours so they couldn't call to verify, paid cash, etc. Got it. Was so thrilled, went and did it again and again and again. Never got caught, but if I happened to run out, would go through the WORST withdrawals. So, I kept doing it. After another ankle surgery, the ankle doc gave me percocet and vics to alternate. Wouldn't do refills though. SO back to the fake rxs. Got so selfish with it that I went during the day, cast on and all, with my 11 month old and hubby to a grocery store pharmacy. They were taking forever and I lied to my hubby about what rx I was getting filled. Told him to go to the car and i'd be right there. 20 minutes later, they give me the rx, I was on a scooter since I couldn't walk, SO excited to go home and take some, and here come the cops and stop me. Spent 48 hours in a disgustingly dirty city jail cell, and went to the courthouse with all the drunks, crackheads, wife beaters, etc., that were in other cells, and they said $800 or 30 days in jail. My father in law went to the bank and got the $. Within a year, I decided I was so desperate for more I tried it again. The pharmacist kept going in the back room, it was taking forever. So I paid, signed, and turned around. There was a cop telling me to put my hands behind my back. I nearly fainted, as I knew this time no one would care, help, etc. So Im in the back of a police car again, a new city, they searched my vehicle, and took me in. I was searched there, put in a cell, and there ya go. Because there was a cop that got shot the next day, I couldn't see a judge. So 48 hours again and I saw a judge. He said $2500 bail (it would be $250 to get me out that day).My mom put 5 minutes of time for me to talk to my hubby on the phone. THis was like 40 hours into being in a tiny smelly cell with a metal plank to sit on, with male cops looking in on you when you took a ****. I was bawling to my hubby, and I thought all he'd do was yell. he loves me just so much that he was just as distraught as i was; no lecture, etc. I begged him to come get me. He didn't have the $. So after the judge set bail, over 2 hours later and I knew no one was coming for me this time. A cop opened the door, took me to the booking room and had me put on my shoes and coat. Wow, the relief. But then the cuffed me and said I was going to county jail. They took me in, put me in a holding cell with one other woman, who turned out to be a prostitute who thought she may have H.I.V., then another woman came in who stabbed her lover, then a crack addict who got caught shop lifting formula to cell to inner city women so she could buy crack. In the other dozen or so cells, men were yelling and hollering and joking, and one was proud he had just killed a guy. I am not someone who puts myself in any mode to think that I am above anyone in this world, but if this wasn't rock bottom, then I didn't know what was.
My uncle, who is a sheriff at the county jail came and had his wife bail me out. I'm on probation for another month. My thing is now...I still have bad pain, a slipped disc, was just diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and my shoulder come out of socket. I cannot take NSAIDs since they raise my blood pressure and unfortunately cannot just live with the pain. Right now my doc has me on Norco twice a day. I refuse to do anything to get me in legal trouble ever again, but I'mm stuck between a rock and a painful place. I exercise, I take vitamins, etc., I do what all the natural ways say to do. Anyone who's kind of been where I'm at, as far as previous opiate or drug addiction but doesn't have a choice but to take pain meds?? Thanks for reading, please no judgment!!! xo
Best Answer
Ok so....I've been on here a lot last night and today. Last night, I took my Norco and even though I just took the one, I got the euphoria. Uh oh. I loved how I felt and that I could get up and do a few things. After 2 hours my pain was through the roof and I wanted to feel that euphoria again. I resisted but that all that was on my mind. It's on the label to take them every 8 hours. It was 5 hours and I took another one. I'm telling you the pain was so intense I couldn't take it. I took it and didn't really get the same effect and took a motrin with it so as to ease the pain (that was more on my mind than getting a high). This morning I took one as instructed and got 'that feeling'. I was too scared of this. I knew what this would lead to. And frankly, at this point in my life, I'd rather deal with this debilitating pain than go through all the withdrawals because of abuse of the pills. I've been reading too many people just counting the minutes of not using, and I know all to well what that feels like. SO. I flushed them. I've never done that, as my addiction would always rationalize the need to keep them. I just got too scared. I've been through too much and can't go that route again. I'm saddened by this, as the Norco was truly helping me and I haven't abused it for the last month I've been on it. This stinks. But I'm glad i did it. So I took my last one about 8 hours ago and I'm ok I guess. I'm in a lot of pain, but my doc advised going back on my Neurontin to ease the nerve pain in my arm/shoulder. So I took those and I'm in a little less pain than before, but a bit dizzy too. Not in a 'high' way, but in a hangover kind of way. Just thankful that the pain is a little lessened and that I have no more Norco to tempt me.
So here we go. 8 hours of no narcotics in my life.
I just wanted to leave an update...hope to talk to you later and hope your day is going well, take care
Alison
So here we go. 8 hours of no narcotics in my life.
I just wanted to leave an update...hope to talk to you later and hope your day is going well, take care
Alison
Hey Bob
I'm for once, at a loss for words...what you did with that donation is something I would never expect someone to do. That's completely amazing and all I can think of is how that could (maybe should) have been my mom and sister and I at a shelter, and how that money is going to help a family in need. The fact that you donated is amazing, and in my name too. Thank you so so very much for all you do.
Of course I was crying my eyeballs out reading your post. I'm so very very happy that your daughter had the upbringing she had, you guys are amazing parents and what every kid should have. I can't do anything to change my past or how I was brought up. Again, all I can take out of it is how I need to change the cycle and raise my little guy with all the love and nurturing I didn't get, and what you guys give to your daughter and granddaughter.
I'm so grateful for all the thought and care you put into your reply to me. You put things into such a perspective for me that I'm awestruck. You're right - our kids, at just about no matter what we do, look up to us as their universe and we can do almost no wrong. I'm so happy for your daughter that she has such a great Dad. You do so much for her that I wish I would have had, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is move forward and learn from their mistakes I guess.
I'm glad you rested easier! I was concerned about that and glad I didn't interfere. But it really means so very much to me at how supportive you are, and how you seem to know me better than I know myself.
Today I'm doing ok I guess. Husband is leaving in 2 hours for work and won't be home until 2-3 a.m. Honestly, if I wasn't having this horrible pain I'd be better than I am. Last night for the first time, my arm was falling asleep and I was getting numbness in my fingers, due to whatever is happening with my shoulder. I have the MRI next week, but I've never had such a painful day as I did yesterday and being alone for the next 3 nights (and part of the days) is scary to me. I'll keep things minimal but that doesn't make it hurt any less. So I've got some anxiety about being alone and being in this pain, but there's not much I can do. I called my doctor's office this morning, concerned with the numbness and tingling and arm falling asleep. They called back and said my doc has done all she's can, that if I have that much pain go to the E.R. I can't and won't do that unless it's an utter emergency, but even so, really don't have that option with no one to watch my son. So...anxious about the pain and being alone, plain old angry that I'm having so much pain, and worried about how progressively bad it's becoming. My husband is going to pick up the muscle relaxers they called in for me. It's Skelaxin and from what I've read they don't help a lot of people, but they aren't addictive from what I've read too, so that's good. Last night, I found some Flexiril I had from my back hurting. They make me jittery but I was in so much pain that I took one. About an hour later, I felt so exhausted I couldn't see straight, but my legs couldn't stop moving. I finally fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. I couldn't sleep before that, even though I was so tired, because of the tingling and such in my arm - there's no comfortable way to sleep any more. Then I got up at 8 a.m. with the feelings of a hangover. I know I should have slept more with that in my system, but my migraine woke me up, so I had to take a migraine pill...Ughh I'm so sick of pills. I know I'll never be free of them with all that's going on with me medically, but I don't know, I'm tired of it! Tired of it all.
Ok, that's my rant for right now. On another note, I had just put my son to bed and was feeling kind of down and upset at how I'll be alone the next few nights and about the pain, etc. I opened the door when I saw my husband pull up, and there on our storm door was a ton of frost, but there was an image of what I interpreted as 2 wings and a head that was untouched by frost. I thought that was pretty neat. Then I got a letter from my cousin in Arizona (he's in prison since 2007 for a DUI) with good words in it..I had confided in him a little about my mom and he offered words of encouragement, and it was just good to hear from him. So that is making my day better than it would have been, and reading your post has just been amazing. I thank you for all you say and do and you help me so much just by being here. Thank you again for your great post, and the unbelievable donation you made. Thanks again, and know that you are doing great with all the kindness you have in you. Hope your day goes well. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.
Alison
I'm for once, at a loss for words...what you did with that donation is something I would never expect someone to do. That's completely amazing and all I can think of is how that could (maybe should) have been my mom and sister and I at a shelter, and how that money is going to help a family in need. The fact that you donated is amazing, and in my name too. Thank you so so very much for all you do.
Of course I was crying my eyeballs out reading your post. I'm so very very happy that your daughter had the upbringing she had, you guys are amazing parents and what every kid should have. I can't do anything to change my past or how I was brought up. Again, all I can take out of it is how I need to change the cycle and raise my little guy with all the love and nurturing I didn't get, and what you guys give to your daughter and granddaughter.
I'm so grateful for all the thought and care you put into your reply to me. You put things into such a perspective for me that I'm awestruck. You're right - our kids, at just about no matter what we do, look up to us as their universe and we can do almost no wrong. I'm so happy for your daughter that she has such a great Dad. You do so much for her that I wish I would have had, but I can't dwell on that. All I can do is move forward and learn from their mistakes I guess.
I'm glad you rested easier! I was concerned about that and glad I didn't interfere. But it really means so very much to me at how supportive you are, and how you seem to know me better than I know myself.
Today I'm doing ok I guess. Husband is leaving in 2 hours for work and won't be home until 2-3 a.m. Honestly, if I wasn't having this horrible pain I'd be better than I am. Last night for the first time, my arm was falling asleep and I was getting numbness in my fingers, due to whatever is happening with my shoulder. I have the MRI next week, but I've never had such a painful day as I did yesterday and being alone for the next 3 nights (and part of the days) is scary to me. I'll keep things minimal but that doesn't make it hurt any less. So I've got some anxiety about being alone and being in this pain, but there's not much I can do. I called my doctor's office this morning, concerned with the numbness and tingling and arm falling asleep. They called back and said my doc has done all she's can, that if I have that much pain go to the E.R. I can't and won't do that unless it's an utter emergency, but even so, really don't have that option with no one to watch my son. So...anxious about the pain and being alone, plain old angry that I'm having so much pain, and worried about how progressively bad it's becoming. My husband is going to pick up the muscle relaxers they called in for me. It's Skelaxin and from what I've read they don't help a lot of people, but they aren't addictive from what I've read too, so that's good. Last night, I found some Flexiril I had from my back hurting. They make me jittery but I was in so much pain that I took one. About an hour later, I felt so exhausted I couldn't see straight, but my legs couldn't stop moving. I finally fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. I couldn't sleep before that, even though I was so tired, because of the tingling and such in my arm - there's no comfortable way to sleep any more. Then I got up at 8 a.m. with the feelings of a hangover. I know I should have slept more with that in my system, but my migraine woke me up, so I had to take a migraine pill...Ughh I'm so sick of pills. I know I'll never be free of them with all that's going on with me medically, but I don't know, I'm tired of it! Tired of it all.
Ok, that's my rant for right now. On another note, I had just put my son to bed and was feeling kind of down and upset at how I'll be alone the next few nights and about the pain, etc. I opened the door when I saw my husband pull up, and there on our storm door was a ton of frost, but there was an image of what I interpreted as 2 wings and a head that was untouched by frost. I thought that was pretty neat. Then I got a letter from my cousin in Arizona (he's in prison since 2007 for a DUI) with good words in it..I had confided in him a little about my mom and he offered words of encouragement, and it was just good to hear from him. So that is making my day better than it would have been, and reading your post has just been amazing. I thank you for all you say and do and you help me so much just by being here. Thank you again for your great post, and the unbelievable donation you made. Thanks again, and know that you are doing great with all the kindness you have in you. Hope your day goes well. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart.
Alison
Good morning Alison, for real no worries. I promise you that I didn't lose sleep last night. Quite the opposite in fact. After my last post last night I slipped out to the garage to put my feet up and have a smoke. I had my legal pad out looking at all of the things I wrote about, the kind of person I am and what I'd like to change. How I treat myself and others and the type of person I want others to see. Part of that was reflecting back on my own daughters childhood. After a couple of hours I put a few demons to rest once and for all. I came away with a contentment I haven't felt in a long time. I slept with an easy mind. There again, I thank you because your latest chapter you've shared pushed me to do some more looking inward.
Our grand-daughter was with us last night, poor kid turns two on Christmas Eve, and as she was running around being silly I would re-read your post looking at her every few sentences. I was thinking how I would go ballistic if she were treated that way.
About the time our daughter turned two we decided it was time to try and have another. We had no luck. Even after having spent tons of money on invitro we just couldn't concieve. We eventually accepted that and our lives started getting busy so we put it out of our minds. I often think about the kid I never had, not in a sad way, just wondering what kind of person he or she would be now.
I'm a soft touch when it comes to the 3 women in my life, wife, daughter and grand-daughter. I'm wrapped around their fingers so tightly there's nothing I would deny any of them.
As my daughter was growing up and still to this day, I don't let a day go by without me telling her that I love her and that I'm proud of her. In school I would always tell her that good grades make me proud but good or bad grades did not define my love for her. Later as a teenager she would do the stupid things teenagers do and once confronted and dealt with I again would remind her that there is nothing she could do that would ever be so bad that I would turn my back on her. That our love for her was unconditional. I'm always sending her texts and posting on her facebook that I'm her biggest fan.
I've always been tough on her when it was needed but would never walk away mad at her. I would give her a hug and tell her I loved her but this behavior is unacceptable. She's a good kid and a great mom.
The day she was born was my greatest triumph. I cherish her and all the things she has brought into my life.
When I see or hear of someone discarding their child, crushing their self esteem, being abusive or making them feel like they are to blame for mom and dads problems instead of holding them up as their greatest accomplishment and legacy, I tend to get upset.
I mean, it doesn't cost a dime to tell your kids that you love them, that you're proud of them and to praise their achievments.
Maybe it's just who I am, I don't know for sure, but I tend to be a cheerleader of sorts. Someone does something right and I'll tell them "great job" or something along those lines. I randomly pull people aside at work and tell them that I'm thankful for their contributions and all of their hard work. Just to let them that it's noticed. I've always felt that sharing these things with them only costs me a minute of my time but it pays dividends long into the future.
So, maybe this helps explain what I was struggling with last night after reading your continuing story. You have so much compassion and love for people with so much to share and offer that I couldn't help but feel a little bad that you weren't nurtured during those early childhood years.
I don't want you to ever get the idea that anything you say causes me any kind of distress because it just isn't true. I'm big hearted so I will worry about people, and hiding the truth from me isn't going to change that.
Also, you say you feel bad that you can't even lift your son out of the tub and do other things with him that you want. Try not to forget that our kids look at us as perfect and he doesn't care that you can't lift him. The only one stressing about that is you. He will always see you as the person with all of the answers, as the only one that can make his owies feel better. Your hugs alone can reasure him that all is well and provide him comfort when no one else can. When my daughter would get sick she didn't want anyone except her mom to hold her. Dad is fun to play with but only mom could make it all better.
I was a little late getting to work this morning because I was on a mission. I woke up this morning and was watching the news and they ran a little story like they tend to do this time of year about the Womens & Childrens shelter for women needing to escape abusive relationships. Watching that along with you fresh on my mind seemed like a sign of sorts. I went by my bank and withdrew some cash. I went by the shelter and dropped my envelope in the donation box with a simple note "hope this helps" signed Alison.
Not that you're in an abusive relationship, I was just thinking about the children and the kind of life they must be going through.
Catch you later, Alison. I'll be around as long you want to talk to me.
Merry Christmas,
Bob
Our grand-daughter was with us last night, poor kid turns two on Christmas Eve, and as she was running around being silly I would re-read your post looking at her every few sentences. I was thinking how I would go ballistic if she were treated that way.
About the time our daughter turned two we decided it was time to try and have another. We had no luck. Even after having spent tons of money on invitro we just couldn't concieve. We eventually accepted that and our lives started getting busy so we put it out of our minds. I often think about the kid I never had, not in a sad way, just wondering what kind of person he or she would be now.
I'm a soft touch when it comes to the 3 women in my life, wife, daughter and grand-daughter. I'm wrapped around their fingers so tightly there's nothing I would deny any of them.
As my daughter was growing up and still to this day, I don't let a day go by without me telling her that I love her and that I'm proud of her. In school I would always tell her that good grades make me proud but good or bad grades did not define my love for her. Later as a teenager she would do the stupid things teenagers do and once confronted and dealt with I again would remind her that there is nothing she could do that would ever be so bad that I would turn my back on her. That our love for her was unconditional. I'm always sending her texts and posting on her facebook that I'm her biggest fan.
I've always been tough on her when it was needed but would never walk away mad at her. I would give her a hug and tell her I loved her but this behavior is unacceptable. She's a good kid and a great mom.
The day she was born was my greatest triumph. I cherish her and all the things she has brought into my life.
When I see or hear of someone discarding their child, crushing their self esteem, being abusive or making them feel like they are to blame for mom and dads problems instead of holding them up as their greatest accomplishment and legacy, I tend to get upset.
I mean, it doesn't cost a dime to tell your kids that you love them, that you're proud of them and to praise their achievments.
Maybe it's just who I am, I don't know for sure, but I tend to be a cheerleader of sorts. Someone does something right and I'll tell them "great job" or something along those lines. I randomly pull people aside at work and tell them that I'm thankful for their contributions and all of their hard work. Just to let them that it's noticed. I've always felt that sharing these things with them only costs me a minute of my time but it pays dividends long into the future.
So, maybe this helps explain what I was struggling with last night after reading your continuing story. You have so much compassion and love for people with so much to share and offer that I couldn't help but feel a little bad that you weren't nurtured during those early childhood years.
I don't want you to ever get the idea that anything you say causes me any kind of distress because it just isn't true. I'm big hearted so I will worry about people, and hiding the truth from me isn't going to change that.
Also, you say you feel bad that you can't even lift your son out of the tub and do other things with him that you want. Try not to forget that our kids look at us as perfect and he doesn't care that you can't lift him. The only one stressing about that is you. He will always see you as the person with all of the answers, as the only one that can make his owies feel better. Your hugs alone can reasure him that all is well and provide him comfort when no one else can. When my daughter would get sick she didn't want anyone except her mom to hold her. Dad is fun to play with but only mom could make it all better.
I was a little late getting to work this morning because I was on a mission. I woke up this morning and was watching the news and they ran a little story like they tend to do this time of year about the Womens & Childrens shelter for women needing to escape abusive relationships. Watching that along with you fresh on my mind seemed like a sign of sorts. I went by my bank and withdrew some cash. I went by the shelter and dropped my envelope in the donation box with a simple note "hope this helps" signed Alison.
Not that you're in an abusive relationship, I was just thinking about the children and the kind of life they must be going through.
Catch you later, Alison. I'll be around as long you want to talk to me.
Merry Christmas,
Bob
Hey Bob!
Sorry to make your mind race!! That's the last thing any of us need..and I know you'll say no worries, but I don't want you to be preoccupied with anything I've been through.
I'm a middle kid, the daughter of an alcoholic, and it seems, a dumping grounds for a lot of people. DON'T get me wrong; I love to add insight and give advice to anyone who wants it. But when there's absolutely no reciprocation it gets tough after 10, 20, 30 + years of it..especially, like I said, when I need a mom, a dad, a sister, and so on. I have them physically but no matter what I do or say or hold back or push, I don't get them emotionally and that is that I suppose. If I obsess on the fact that I don't have it I'll only get upset and not be able to accept it. Luckily I'm at the point where I accept it. I don't like it but I accept it as the way things are and can only say I'll raise my son to be the exact opposite of that. Proof is in the lil puddin' since all he does is give hugs and kisses- we shower him with them and he already knows how/what context to use please and thank you at 2 1/2. That I am proud of, and again, if I can take anything good out of the screwed up upbringing I had (and my mom I guess assumes that since I'm out of her house I don't deal with it..??) it's how NOT to raise my child. So I guess since I hand out so much advice and such it just shows that I truly still have a genuine care for people. Patience has always been my virtue, and if you met my husband, you'd know it for sure. He's wonderful, but he can be a bit manic/hyper, and it's endearing, but not always what I am wanting to handle (for lack of a better term) every day, all day. Things could be worse, and God bless him, he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, watch sports, play video games, and he does the dishes and takes out the garbage and he's a wonderful father. But he's given me more patience and maybe that was for preparation for our lil man, who is a firecracker like his Dad. And thanks for noticing YES. I do put a smile on my face every day, and it's usually for other people's benefits. I don't allow myself enough time to feel my emotions. I'm too consumed with what others think of my words, actions, etc. And I think that's why I get so sensitive to what I feel when I allow myself to feel it. I get anxiety and it's to the point of panic and tears. I feel sadness and it's like major depression for a few hours. A lot and probably most of that is because I'm limited to one person to lean on, and a person needs more than one source for all that emotional support. That's why I'm so thankful you're here!!
I've not noticed until recently, but I take up friendships with all these women who are 20+ years older than me. I just thought, well hey, I'm friendly and I love talking to neighbors and such, but there's a pattern. I develop these unique and bonding and lasting friendships with these women, and upon recent examination, realized they were all at least old enough to be my mom if not a Grandma or older aunt. I never had any of that. I had a Grandma (one died before I was born) and she passed when I was 13 and we weren't that close at all. My couple of aunts were physically present, but again, emotionally unavailable. So I essentially turn to these women I guess. One knows about the addiction, but I don't talk to her too much at all, as she's not the most cheery person in the world. There's another lady in the neighborhood. She's got 3 grown kids and 2 grandkids. We met since we both have chihuahuas. I started taking my dog over to her house 2-3 times a week and was always welcomed and doted over, something I was not (and am still not) used to. After about 3 years of taking walks and confiding in each other and really bonding, I up and told her how sometimes I'd be on my way home from a nice visit with her (we always have something to talk about, small and big) really wishing that I had in my mom what I have in her. I felt this way after our 3rd visit over her house (and her husband is like the Dad I never fully had) but didn't want to freak her out by saying any of that early on. But still, it does not make up for any of what I'm lacking. It helps, but I guess nothing ever will 100%.
That all said, thanks for such great words. And I can tell you are just as compassionate and understanding and nurturing. You've written and re thought and deleted what you wanted to say to me. That right there shows more than just the average person. Again, sorry to make your mind race, but I thank you so much for your help with my problems. I'll talk to you tomorrow then, hope I didn't disturb your sleep!! Thanks Bob!!
Alison
Sorry to make your mind race!! That's the last thing any of us need..and I know you'll say no worries, but I don't want you to be preoccupied with anything I've been through.
I'm a middle kid, the daughter of an alcoholic, and it seems, a dumping grounds for a lot of people. DON'T get me wrong; I love to add insight and give advice to anyone who wants it. But when there's absolutely no reciprocation it gets tough after 10, 20, 30 + years of it..especially, like I said, when I need a mom, a dad, a sister, and so on. I have them physically but no matter what I do or say or hold back or push, I don't get them emotionally and that is that I suppose. If I obsess on the fact that I don't have it I'll only get upset and not be able to accept it. Luckily I'm at the point where I accept it. I don't like it but I accept it as the way things are and can only say I'll raise my son to be the exact opposite of that. Proof is in the lil puddin' since all he does is give hugs and kisses- we shower him with them and he already knows how/what context to use please and thank you at 2 1/2. That I am proud of, and again, if I can take anything good out of the screwed up upbringing I had (and my mom I guess assumes that since I'm out of her house I don't deal with it..??) it's how NOT to raise my child. So I guess since I hand out so much advice and such it just shows that I truly still have a genuine care for people. Patience has always been my virtue, and if you met my husband, you'd know it for sure. He's wonderful, but he can be a bit manic/hyper, and it's endearing, but not always what I am wanting to handle (for lack of a better term) every day, all day. Things could be worse, and God bless him, he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, watch sports, play video games, and he does the dishes and takes out the garbage and he's a wonderful father. But he's given me more patience and maybe that was for preparation for our lil man, who is a firecracker like his Dad. And thanks for noticing YES. I do put a smile on my face every day, and it's usually for other people's benefits. I don't allow myself enough time to feel my emotions. I'm too consumed with what others think of my words, actions, etc. And I think that's why I get so sensitive to what I feel when I allow myself to feel it. I get anxiety and it's to the point of panic and tears. I feel sadness and it's like major depression for a few hours. A lot and probably most of that is because I'm limited to one person to lean on, and a person needs more than one source for all that emotional support. That's why I'm so thankful you're here!!
I've not noticed until recently, but I take up friendships with all these women who are 20+ years older than me. I just thought, well hey, I'm friendly and I love talking to neighbors and such, but there's a pattern. I develop these unique and bonding and lasting friendships with these women, and upon recent examination, realized they were all at least old enough to be my mom if not a Grandma or older aunt. I never had any of that. I had a Grandma (one died before I was born) and she passed when I was 13 and we weren't that close at all. My couple of aunts were physically present, but again, emotionally unavailable. So I essentially turn to these women I guess. One knows about the addiction, but I don't talk to her too much at all, as she's not the most cheery person in the world. There's another lady in the neighborhood. She's got 3 grown kids and 2 grandkids. We met since we both have chihuahuas. I started taking my dog over to her house 2-3 times a week and was always welcomed and doted over, something I was not (and am still not) used to. After about 3 years of taking walks and confiding in each other and really bonding, I up and told her how sometimes I'd be on my way home from a nice visit with her (we always have something to talk about, small and big) really wishing that I had in my mom what I have in her. I felt this way after our 3rd visit over her house (and her husband is like the Dad I never fully had) but didn't want to freak her out by saying any of that early on. But still, it does not make up for any of what I'm lacking. It helps, but I guess nothing ever will 100%.
That all said, thanks for such great words. And I can tell you are just as compassionate and understanding and nurturing. You've written and re thought and deleted what you wanted to say to me. That right there shows more than just the average person. Again, sorry to make your mind race, but I thank you so much for your help with my problems. I'll talk to you tomorrow then, hope I didn't disturb your sleep!! Thanks Bob!!
Alison
I've spent the last hour writing out a response and then deleting it over and over. My mind is racing. First off, I've read pretty much everything you've written since you've been here. Not just your thread but your responses to others as well and you have an amazing reservoir of compassion and patience. I'm truly humbled by your ability to look past your own pain and offer others comfort and support. You manage to put a smile on my face everyday. As a father there is so much I want to say to you, to build you up, to praise you for all you've accomplished and all you do on a daily basis. That I'll always try to be here when you want someone to listen to you because I value what you have to say. I have to admit I'm struggling here, using my phone to write this isn't helping either. I have so much to say to you but feel like I need to come back to this a little later. You are important, and I so value your insight and contribution to my own sobriety. We're gonna come back to this tomorrow morning after I've had a chance to collect my thoughts, okay? Your friend, Bob...
Wow..cannot thank you enough for all the words of hope and inspiration, not to mention the suggestions for passing time and breaking up the daily grind. Great suggestions. The anxiety has been a little better these past couple hours, especially watching some good movies. Or should I say, the last 35 minutes of a good movie. Take the mind somewhere else in a good way for a short time. But I let my son sleep a little and it was past 5:30..this means he'll be up til after 11!! Oh well, it happens, and I know the day will come when he doesn't want to stay up and hang out with MomMom. So I have to cherish these moments and not be so caught up in my stuff. And all those ideas, and the holiday traditions and such, will really come in handy the next few nights.
In all honesty, if this pain would subside for a little while I'd be so much more into getting silly with my son. For heaven's sake, I had to give him a bath today, and that's usually my favorite thing I 'have' to do with him, as we're being silly, as you suggested, and it's just always been our thing (I can see where your wife is coming from now with it being 'their thing', but I hope you have some just Daddy and daughter stuff too!!). So I'm so saddened now, because the shoulder pain is so debilitating that I can't lift him in and out of the tub, and it hurts simply to wash his hair and such. I know it's not my fault, but all I can think is that he has no idea what pain I'm in and therefore can't understand why I can't be my 'old' self. And he certainly doesn't get why Daddy has to lift him in and out of the tub, meaning he gets a bath whenever it'll fit in the day. I know that's fine, there's no rules regarding that stuff, but it just angers me so much. Why can't this pain just let up a little? Instead, every single day, it's getting worse. And worse as in it goes from "My God, I can't take this, the pain is all the way from my jaw to my wrist and everything in between" to "My God, this is realllly challenging my sobriety, interfering with even cooking dinner for my family I don't know how I'll get through the next day".
Yeah that anxiety of thinking the cops are after you or something...I unfortunately still get it, and for no valid reason. It's nice (in the weirdest way possible) to know that even people who weren't taking my crazy measures still had that fear. But when I see red and blue lights outside my house, whoa. Knees literally shaking. I always thought that it was a figure of speech. But I live on a main road and cops in this city love to write tickets I guess, because that happens probably once a month, right outside our house. I have engaged in no illegal activities at all, and I know they're pulling a driver over, but I still go nuts until I confirm that by looking out the window like a crazy neighborhood watch lady.
I just hope this pain gets figured out before I go certifiable. Maybe it's karma for exaggerating pain to get meds all those times. But in all honesty, I'd say I only exaggerated pain for unfortunately 20% of the time. I guess I'm a player in the chronic pain game. It isn't any fun.
But anyway. Glad you're having a nice clean day and hope it stays that way. And when I say hope to talk to you soon, I just mean I really look forward to your next reply, as they are truly helping me get by in my moments of anxiety or guilt or whatever. Glad you originally posted to me and that we're talking a lot on here. Like I've said in prior posts, my family is not one that listens even to one sentence about your commentary on the day's weather, let alone go out of their way to (ever) ask about what's going on with me/my life/my sobriety. Even after all I went through and put them through, and even after the conversation with my emotionally paralyzed mother in which she asked me 'what can I do precisely to help this time around?' (the second time I got out of jail), to which I told her just to ask me how I'm doing, and if she's thinks I am or sees me doing well, to say so. And not just for the few weeks after things calmed down. I told her I never got that from her, even as a child was never hugged, told she's proud of me, the straight A's I brought home, and wasn't protected by her when, in a common abusive and loud fight her and my Dad got into (he's an alcoholic), protected her at the age of 13 and punched him when he was choking her in front of me and my then 2 1/2 yr old brother. He hit me and dragged me by my hair as he threw me up every major appliance in the kitchen. I had 3 tennis-ball sized lumps on my head and started getting migraines a year later and still suffer from them. And even then there was no attempt on her end to comfort me. I woke up the next day (the cops were turned away by her the night before) to my Dad sleeping still (and didn't remember anything and still denies remembering doing that to me) and my mo drinking coffee with her red eyes. And to this day, FYI, she's not one that cries, nor do we (my bro and sis and I) feel we can cry in front of or near her. Nor do we feel we can tell her something good, happy or otherwise. In fact, I didn't call her when I got engaged to my husband until about 8 hours later, knowing she'd have a very mundane response. But oh, will she go on and on and on and on about her day and her job and her day and her job and it's all negative. It's toxic to be around, and we've tried telling her a few times how we feel but it's always to no avail. Several therapists have told my sister and I simply and harshly (but truly) stated: we don't have a mom. We never did, and never will. Doesn't make it fair or right, and we'll never stop wanting a maternal figure, but it's how it is. I honestly probably at this stage wouldn't have her in my life, but I don't want to deny my baby of a Grandma. And she's pretty good with him, although she won't 'babysit' him, because as she stated several times 'she did her time.' If I take him over there (used to be 2 times a week, but she has a car too...) I stay with him and do everything I do at home, only my dog can over there and play with her dog and run in their backyard. That's the main reason I go there..so I won't have to walk my dog (no fenced in yard at our house). Aghhhhhhh...So. That's a glimpse into family life aside from my hubby and son. That's why I've distanced myself from them. I don't even know whey I started on this subject. Oh well, just more insight into my world I guess!!
Oh, that's why I started talking about it..because of how I was saying I really don't have anyone to talk to or be supportive outside my husband, and even he can't offer me true insight or inspiration or understanding. An addict is alone in what we feel, other than other addicts I guess. That's why you were right when you first wrote me: this is like I sign I found this sight, and thank god for it. It's helped so much, where I wouldve kept all this in my own head, driving myself insane.
And on another side note, I'm glad you're long winded like me! So no worries, the longer the response, the better in my book! Thanks for listening and inspiring and just being here.
In all honesty, if this pain would subside for a little while I'd be so much more into getting silly with my son. For heaven's sake, I had to give him a bath today, and that's usually my favorite thing I 'have' to do with him, as we're being silly, as you suggested, and it's just always been our thing (I can see where your wife is coming from now with it being 'their thing', but I hope you have some just Daddy and daughter stuff too!!). So I'm so saddened now, because the shoulder pain is so debilitating that I can't lift him in and out of the tub, and it hurts simply to wash his hair and such. I know it's not my fault, but all I can think is that he has no idea what pain I'm in and therefore can't understand why I can't be my 'old' self. And he certainly doesn't get why Daddy has to lift him in and out of the tub, meaning he gets a bath whenever it'll fit in the day. I know that's fine, there's no rules regarding that stuff, but it just angers me so much. Why can't this pain just let up a little? Instead, every single day, it's getting worse. And worse as in it goes from "My God, I can't take this, the pain is all the way from my jaw to my wrist and everything in between" to "My God, this is realllly challenging my sobriety, interfering with even cooking dinner for my family I don't know how I'll get through the next day".
Yeah that anxiety of thinking the cops are after you or something...I unfortunately still get it, and for no valid reason. It's nice (in the weirdest way possible) to know that even people who weren't taking my crazy measures still had that fear. But when I see red and blue lights outside my house, whoa. Knees literally shaking. I always thought that it was a figure of speech. But I live on a main road and cops in this city love to write tickets I guess, because that happens probably once a month, right outside our house. I have engaged in no illegal activities at all, and I know they're pulling a driver over, but I still go nuts until I confirm that by looking out the window like a crazy neighborhood watch lady.
I just hope this pain gets figured out before I go certifiable. Maybe it's karma for exaggerating pain to get meds all those times. But in all honesty, I'd say I only exaggerated pain for unfortunately 20% of the time. I guess I'm a player in the chronic pain game. It isn't any fun.
But anyway. Glad you're having a nice clean day and hope it stays that way. And when I say hope to talk to you soon, I just mean I really look forward to your next reply, as they are truly helping me get by in my moments of anxiety or guilt or whatever. Glad you originally posted to me and that we're talking a lot on here. Like I've said in prior posts, my family is not one that listens even to one sentence about your commentary on the day's weather, let alone go out of their way to (ever) ask about what's going on with me/my life/my sobriety. Even after all I went through and put them through, and even after the conversation with my emotionally paralyzed mother in which she asked me 'what can I do precisely to help this time around?' (the second time I got out of jail), to which I told her just to ask me how I'm doing, and if she's thinks I am or sees me doing well, to say so. And not just for the few weeks after things calmed down. I told her I never got that from her, even as a child was never hugged, told she's proud of me, the straight A's I brought home, and wasn't protected by her when, in a common abusive and loud fight her and my Dad got into (he's an alcoholic), protected her at the age of 13 and punched him when he was choking her in front of me and my then 2 1/2 yr old brother. He hit me and dragged me by my hair as he threw me up every major appliance in the kitchen. I had 3 tennis-ball sized lumps on my head and started getting migraines a year later and still suffer from them. And even then there was no attempt on her end to comfort me. I woke up the next day (the cops were turned away by her the night before) to my Dad sleeping still (and didn't remember anything and still denies remembering doing that to me) and my mo drinking coffee with her red eyes. And to this day, FYI, she's not one that cries, nor do we (my bro and sis and I) feel we can cry in front of or near her. Nor do we feel we can tell her something good, happy or otherwise. In fact, I didn't call her when I got engaged to my husband until about 8 hours later, knowing she'd have a very mundane response. But oh, will she go on and on and on and on about her day and her job and her day and her job and it's all negative. It's toxic to be around, and we've tried telling her a few times how we feel but it's always to no avail. Several therapists have told my sister and I simply and harshly (but truly) stated: we don't have a mom. We never did, and never will. Doesn't make it fair or right, and we'll never stop wanting a maternal figure, but it's how it is. I honestly probably at this stage wouldn't have her in my life, but I don't want to deny my baby of a Grandma. And she's pretty good with him, although she won't 'babysit' him, because as she stated several times 'she did her time.' If I take him over there (used to be 2 times a week, but she has a car too...) I stay with him and do everything I do at home, only my dog can over there and play with her dog and run in their backyard. That's the main reason I go there..so I won't have to walk my dog (no fenced in yard at our house). Aghhhhhhh...So. That's a glimpse into family life aside from my hubby and son. That's why I've distanced myself from them. I don't even know whey I started on this subject. Oh well, just more insight into my world I guess!!
Oh, that's why I started talking about it..because of how I was saying I really don't have anyone to talk to or be supportive outside my husband, and even he can't offer me true insight or inspiration or understanding. An addict is alone in what we feel, other than other addicts I guess. That's why you were right when you first wrote me: this is like I sign I found this sight, and thank god for it. It's helped so much, where I wouldve kept all this in my own head, driving myself insane.
And on another side note, I'm glad you're long winded like me! So no worries, the longer the response, the better in my book! Thanks for listening and inspiring and just being here.
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