Heroin addict, intense desire to quit

[subpop200]

I assume this is the only way to start a topic
Topic form hc
, through a question.  I forget since I haven't been on here for about a year in which I stupidly got myself addicted to heroin
Drug abuse
by needle.  IV heroin
Drug abuse
folks...the one thing I never would have expected years ago, and definitely would have never even dreamed of during my what seemed like a divine intervention when I quit last year for more than a month off high dose of poppy pods and heroin
Drug abuse
snorted.  I thought I would never use again!  Yea right
Right step prenatal vitamins
....just took a prescription to a bad cough I had with codeine
Codeine antitussive cough
Codeine phosphate
Codeine phosphate (bulk)
Codeine phosphate soluble
Codeine sulfate
Codeine-brompheniramine-ppa
Codeine-butalbital-asa-caff
Codeine-guaifenesin
Codeine-phenylprop-guaifenesin
Codeine-pseudoephedrine-cpm
Codeine-pyrilamine
in it to start the whole vicious cycle again, worse than before.  Now been using 2-5 bags of herion a day IV...most days 2 bags at once just once a day, some days when i got more money 3-5 bags averaging on 4 IV throughout the day...usually 2-3 doses.  Those 3-5 bag days were not too often...maybe once or twice a week.  Most days my body would be on 2 bags, around 2-3 pm and the next day i'd be in withdrawal during the first few hours of waking up trying to look for a way to make money if I didn't have money already (usually sell something).  The line is getting thinner, had my first overdose...dad found me pretty much dead....said I was blue and not breathing...woke up was in ambulance thought this is ridiculous, I have to quit, my parents know now for god's sake....couldn't stop....tried failed.  Tried again failed...tried again failed...then tried tough out withdrawal between doses to lower my tolerance...worked for a while then those 3-5 bag days brought my tolerance back up....now between my 2 bag daily dose...I got through withdrawal....I'm sitting here right now cause I took my dose yesterday at 10 am....it's already the second day at 1:48 am and my legs are cramping, shaking, I'm already feeling nauseous....sick, depressed, just writing this because I'm trying something new again...tired sick and tired of being sick between doses cause I can only afford usually 2 bags a day....so it's been going on and on and on....2 bags after a few days of binging now I'm getting ugly withdrawal between doses like I said between doses.  I'm going to try to taper yet again til sunday and just QUIT!!!.  I want to quit cold turkey with the clonidine and ativan I have saved up for the withdrawal.  Even so with that stuff, the withdrawal was too intense.  It's goign to be worse than ever before that's for sure.  Even though I let my body experience some clean time between doses usually 24 hours between injected doses.  Mind you, another website for herion users taht discuss the bags they use in what city made a claim which makes sense, the "measly" 2 bags that I use daily is the equivalent of close to a gram of heroin per day...very strong very pure ****.  Unfortunately.  Cold reality is all I believe in now.....my faith in God is weak cause I was so strong and positive when i quit last year thinking God got me out of it and I'm good forever, I will never look back yada yada yada....that cockiness the real addicts warned me about.  There is no such thing as you are stronger than the drug....even the strongest must be humble to the fact that they can relapse.  Stupid stupid me....here we go again.  

[struggling_college_student]

Hey man just read through your posts......Hope youre hanging in there.....trust me it gets better every hour.....every day.....I never thought I would make it through withdrawals this time but anytime I felt like I was gonna give up I came on here and just read and read for hours until that urge had passed!  It definetly helped and here I am 49 days clean......never would have thought that could be possible early in WD.  You can do this......life was not meant to be lived looking for a crutch.  Just tell yourself you r not gonna use today and worry about tomorrow when it comes.  Ill be praying for you!!  God Bless

Jeff

[subpop200]

I acutally wish I had those emotions I had yesterday to cry because there was a comfort in crying that almost overrode the withdrawal that i didn't expect to feel.  I feel so horribly depressed in a very empty and numbing way that almost makes me see only black and white...like there is no color or hope in the world.  Basically the complete opposite of a heroin high....it's almost like that burst of emotions I had yesterday drained all my serotonin and dopamine that I had left in me to the point where all that emotion just left me dry and empty and blank mentally....it's surreal depression that is borderline torture.  I'm still praying to god every hour to get me through this...it's quite intense.  

[subpop200]

Thanks buddy, I hope it does pass...i'm still very miserable...I wish that feeling of enlightenment stayed with me forever but the darkness of depression came back later on....but I'm not as depressed as I was the first day anticipating the worst but I definitely still need a few more days to lay around.  I'm kind of sick now, with a flu on top of this because my crazy *** went outside in the 15 degree weather to run til I couldn't run anymore because after that spiritual moment of mine I felt a horrible urge to do something that took a lot of energy out of me...a horrible buzz of adrenaline that made me angry and crazy almost as if I were rabid...so I bundled up and ran in the cold until I got to the point where I could barely breathe cause running in that cold while withdrawing and being out of shape was not too bright but something took over me and I got angry with my misery and withdrawal...like a rush of stubborn energy to make all the pain stop but that just made me worse, I couldn't breathe half the night cause I was coughing up so much phlegm that I already had in me before the withdrawal started from smoking so much during my heroin highs.  But now I'm feeling better with that but I got a fever unfortunately..I'm in horrible shape, still sweating up a rainstorm, shaking like a chihuahua, puking like there is no tomorrow at times, but somehow still more hopeful than I was two days ago....I need to keep going...I'm only on here very momentarily and I'm sorry I have a hrad time answerign everyone specifically right now, I have no attention span whatsoever due to the concentration killing haziness of hte depression, the shakes, the restless legs, and the nervousness....haven't slept yet either....I hope this ends soon, it's horrible but it's the farthest i've ever gottenw tih the heroin withdrawal so I have to keep going....

[mikchez]

Hello my friend in WDs, this will all pass, I know because I went through this for many days and your pain helps me to remember what I do not ever want to forget, Thank you for your posts your helping to save lives man!. Peace&Love

[subpop200]

I think this is the only time I'm going to break through truly.  Something strange happened that never happened to me before.  The only way I can describe it is a powerful sandstorm of emotions of remorse, beauty, spirituality hitting me all at once like never before in my life it brought me to my knees and all the pain went away for a while....the pain came back but with clarity in my mind.  It felt like the spirits of all the dead addicts that had something in their life entered inside of me and made me feel all the pain all at once relentlessly bringing me to tears.  And then I decided to listen to music...anything that can provoke some emotion inside of me to keep my mind clear headed because finally I had a feeling powerful enough to not even think about using the dope again.  It's like what ibogaine should do to a person without the ibogaine...the powerful spiritual experience without the pills out of no where like a bottle rocket to my brain.  I don't know if anyone ever experienced this trying to quit heroin or any other kind of opiate, I certainly didn't expect an epiphany beyond words to come of heroin withdrawal.  I'm still nauseated, definitely still physically sick but I don't know what else to say besides I think I felt the power of God but yet I'm not so sure as I have no explanation for this.  NOTHING and I mean nothing ever brought me to my knees like that....it all started wtih a song on tv about the blessed delivering us from our miseries in the form of a very heart felt reggae song...mind you I don't listen to reggae...and boom!  I'll be back later to answer all these posts...I need to meditate about what just happened.  

[lululuv995]

Hey hang in there, just think when it gets rough its actually your body healing and ridding itself of the toxins, as it cleanses and the noradrenaline surges before it stabalizes and we begin to feel better. That always give me some hope, it also makes me think what ive put my body thru, and how much i dont wanna continue the insanity.
me being reaaly sick is my body returning to normal and the opiates exiting, but my body gotta do this (and i'll feel like crap) as its the only way thru this process.

Im with u.....i just started my comfort meds will post in morning when w/ds kick in.

[10356]

Then Jog you should !! Fresh air would do you good.. ya know subpop we can go thru life expecting the worst but it sure takes a toll on our emotions. I prefer to take life with a positiveness and when it does not pan out Oh well at least I gave it the best I have.. you should be able to pick this up anywhere they sell Natural meds I bought a knock off so it may go under another name then hylands.. Valerian root works well for anxiety where they sell this you should find restless leg med.. as for passing it off as the flu Yes you could do this but we have a saying we are only as sick as our secrets.. Honesty about our addiction takes away its power.. the more you look for the worst the worst it will be.. Focus on what you are accomplishing Freedom of Mind Spirit and Body !! This is something so profound and so deep it brings tears at times to my eyes I'm so Grateful if for nothing else but for my Spirit..  for this is where my life stems without this I'm truly lost.. I look forward to you posting again for you are worth all that life has to offer.. warmly lesa

[Richjess2226]

Hey, you need to try and distract yourself if you can. The more you think about how bad you are going to feel the worse you will feel.
I know you are trying to prepare yourself for the worst but a build up of anxiety isn't good at this stage. It's gonna be hard but try amd focus on how much better you will feel if you do this.
The one good thing about heroin is it's outbid your system quicker that other opiates so wd's aren't as long.
This really might not be as bad as you expect.
What have you got to help you relax/take the edge off?

[subpop200]

Thanks for that, it definitely helps that there are people like you here to help me.  That's true that positivity is the only way to get through this.  And as true as what you say is, I am just a realist, I know it's simply goign to be much harder to be positive since my mind due tot he physical aspect of all this is depleted of all the chemicals that contribute to any kind of positive thought and pain relief.  That's why people can't stop and I just want to be ready for the worst cause i'm the kind of person that when I expect everything to be great and get hit with the worst, it just makes things harder for me.  And Hylands....where can i get that?  I know they don't sell it at walgreens here around my house.  And to be honest, as tired as I am during withdrawals the restless legs get so bad that I don't just walk, i'm compelled to jog around cause it drives me that crazy but somehow the jogging always makes me feel abit better.  My legs are restless now but not THAT bad yet...I know it will be that bad later but til then I'll just take this hour by hour.  Anyway, I'll probably post here a lot more than I expect because I will have not much else better to do while I"m withdrawing.  I don't even know if I can pass this off to my parents as the flu....I definitely don't want them to know I'm withdrawing since they think I quit a while ago...it's going to destroy them and definitely make this ten times harder for me.  But I will try to pass it off as a flu...I know I could do that from the poppy withdrawal I had last year...but this is IV heroin...do you think it'll be too obvious as a result of the fact that I won't just look like I have a flu I will probably be puking constantly and sweating and probably not even able to talk....that's how bad I expect to get from heroin wtihdrawal.  We'll see....I'm trying not to think too much about how much worse this will get even though realistically I know it'll get horrible by day 3 but for now...i'm just sitting in my room watching tv rocking back and forth praying and tryign to tap into that warrior mentality I had last time and had most of my life.  Thank you for everything lesa.  I'll be back later.  

[10356]

I'm praying subpop..  Our minds are very powerful and if we do not go into this with a Positive attitude it will make it 50x's worse.. the wd is not to be feared as it is temporary our active addiction is to be feared for it can Kill us.. I'm so Glad you are here !! try walking even if is pacing the hallways ok and Hot showers/baths as hot as you can take it will help a lot. they sell a product hylands restful leg at the drug store helps also I used it and was amazed how much ! on the bottom right of the forum is the amino acid protocol vitamins and such to help with anxiety energy depression and sleep although sleep will not happen for a few days.. when you need support our you feel as is you are going to cave get on the forum ok we are all here to help you thru this.. You can do it You can change your life around thereby changing all that love you lives.. I'm Proud of you for posting for following thru.. sending strength. You can do this !! life is good subpop clean it can be amazing.. lesa

[subpop200]

I'm here and sorry I didn't respond earlier, my internet was dead for a while, either way I couldn't really answer since I was experiencing a mind numbing headache that felt like my head was going to explode..it finally went away...the withdrawal is kicking in slowly cause on saturday I took opium pods and it seems to have a long half life so i'm just a few hours ago starting to get the sweats and aches...regardless I didn't take anything today and woke up with one of the most debilitating depressions combined with a headache...waking up is always my worst time.  I seem to wake up with some of the worst depression one can imagine, can hardly get out of bed also cause the opiate levels are weaning off in my blood.  Anyway, I'm going to lay down til well technically later on today when i'll be in full blown withdrawal is when I'll write here again for now I think I can manage on my own just watching tv...I know it's going to get much worse.  Got no choice though, I have to do this.  I can't wait til' it's over....I know it'll feel like every second is going by super slow...every minute feels like an hour etc. etc.  Well...here goes nothing.  I already feel miserable, I already can't imagine it getting much worse....never been more scared of anything in my life.  It's just pure fear that made me keep doing heroin as I'm sure many other addicts know...it's almost not our fault for carrying on, it's just a horrible fear of the most intense pain in the world.  Anyway, I'll be back to update.  Oh and my legs are already restless...so I won't get any sleep so long as that's going on....I cna't stay in one spot for more than a few seconds without moving my legs violently.  Goddamnit......

Pray for me.  

[10356]

Well Subpop Today is the day !! I have been looking forward to this for you.. Just think If you can go thru the wd How much your life will change !! First order of Business when clean is getting a Guitar.. Hope you are still committed because active addiction can take you lower.. I look forward to you posting.. lesa

[stilltrying1965]

Hi i read your post a few days ago but i am on day 11 from coming off a 14yr heroin addiction and writing about it was making me crave badly. I have came off twice, the last time i was 7 months clean and relapsed again so i can relate to your post big time. Im not going to lie to you, it is really hard, its the hardest thing iv had to do in my life, but ill help you anyway i can. Get in touch anytime bud. Good luck, you can do this James.  P.S  My last relapse i also started to use it IV.

[gnarly_1]

HEY dude  just wanted to let you know will be here on sunday your quit day we have several recovered heroin addicts as members I will lat a few of them know your out here and needing help never tryied to kick heroin herd it ruff... kicked the pills then 6 1/2yrs on methadone that was a real bit ch but im clean today with a bit of willpower and some perseverance you can do it will be here to walk you threw it good luck and God bless
......Gnarly  

[subpop200]

I still have an old script for clonidine and ativan.  I held onto those two for the day I'm ready to quit and I'm still sticking to Sunday so I'll have the whole week to lay around in pain and go through hell at home.  Hopefully this is it, I'm sick and tired of dosing, going through withdrawal, and dosing again day after day after day.   It's gone too far and I'm still keeping my heart in the whole process of quitting cold turkey.  Well maybe not completely cold turkey since I am going to be on clonidine and ativan but it's heroin IV so it's not going to help that much anyway but it's better than nothing.  I'll also have a stock of gatorade, ensure, and a whole bunch of supplements ready at my disposal.  I'll have some 5htp to battle the depression which is the hardest part, vitamin C (so i'm told it helps a lot with opiate withdrawal), zinc/magnesium, b-vitamins, multi vitamins, immodium for the *****, and lots and lots of water.  I just organized all the supplements in a pill box for everyday so it'll be easy for me to just go to my pill organizer and take what i need to get through the next five days starting Sunday.  I'm guessing it'll take a good 5 days to get over the worst and make it through the physical withdrawal which is obviously the hardest thing next to the mental part which is definitely the worst as most opiate addicts know.  The anxiety and depression are super intense, the nightmares I get from the very very little sleep I would accomplish are also horrifying and haunting.  The dreams always **** up my whole day and put me in a very eerie disturbing state of mind since my brain will be craving any kind of heroin fix in the darkest most profoundly disturbing way.  The whole experience of withdrawal really is trippy in my opinion, it's surreal and disturbing which is what makes it so unique and powerful in it's own way.  Very strange thoughts will be giong through my head but mostly a battle of incredible will power will be what gets me through this.  I'm going into this the same way I went into the last full withdrawal which was pretty intense and ****** up in it's own way even though it won't be as intense cause that was withdrawal from poppy pods and daily heroin use of 2-3 bags snorted.  This is 1/2 gram of IV heroin daily...very powerful stuff I was using so it'll be at least ten times worse than the last withdrawal.  I feel like every little withdrawal I go through, the heroin takes a part of me away, a part of my soul dies, a part of who I used to be dies, this is why i'm so different from who I was before using dope.  I was a very motivated, disciplined, powerful minded, ambitious, creative dreamer that had his whole life ahead of him.  I  need to tap into that mind set of who I was to get through this because if I wasn't who I was before, I doubt i'd be able to quit.  This whole experience, this war I'm dreadfully not looking forward to is going to change my life in a bad way and in a good way as I know if I can get through this I can tackle anything else in life because that's how violently it tortures a user as I'm sure many of the users here know so well.  I'm still ready, I'm still preparing for the end of my world, for everything to come crumbling around me for 4-5 days straight of pure hell, darkness, insanity, mind blowing torture, and a sense of absolute hopelessness that always tears a person apart to the core of their being.  

[joditrudy]

Hey keep trying. Can you get on a script?

[subpop200]

Sorry, no idea why copying and pasting the first post added all that crap about the codeine....some default setting with this website that just added that....odd.  Sorry if that confuses anyone.  

[subpop200]

OH and Sunday is my quit day.  Til then I'm just too tied up in priorities with school to quit now and with people.  So i have a whole week to suffer starting sunday where I can just stay home.  Possibly do the same I did my last withdrawal and go outside to run or jog to make the crazy legs calm down.  In case you guys need more info it's been about 5 months with a half a gram heroin habit a day.  Usually dosed once a day sometimes more than once.  

[subpop200]

I moved my post here since I need help and one of the members told me this is the place to go.  Bottom line is...I can't stand this anymore I figure if I'm less than a year in....not by much just about a month and I'm IVing...I still have hope to quit.  I'm sick and tired of it and have nostalgia of who i was every day.  

[subpop200]

Mind you, this **** has changed me in a way I never thought possible before.  I am not who I was a year ago....even though ti's been maybe 11 months of addiction that has passed as if it's been 10 years.  I was superman....this is why I want to quit so badly again....it's sad who I have become, that this **** can reduce me to lieing and overdosing, selling all the things I loved...my guitar that has been with me for more than 10 years, etc. etc. etc. etc.  Everything!  that meant something to me.  I want to quit cause I'm disgusted, sorry for myself...maybe not the best reason but also a good reason, since so they say quitting for yourself is the right way to go...admitting you have a problem is the first step....but the fear of withdrawal is what keeps me running in circles like an idiot!  My parents think I'm clean....so addicted taht i faked withdrawal!!  WTF.  Even looking at this from an objective perspective, it's shocking.  I hate this, any advice could help.  I think I tried everything to quit...but in the end I must quit cold turkey cause I have no insurance to get detox or rehabs or any of that crap that my parents don't have money for.   can't even afford methadone.