Physical withdrawals were easy compared to this.

[Jebs317]

I wanted to post and check in.  I took my son to D.C. for a long weekend and didn't have a chance to post anything.  I am seeing a therapist once a week and attending at least 2 NA meetings a week.  I start with outpatient group therapy on May 18th.  
As I read through the recent posts, I notice a lot of new names.  I see so many people on day 2, 3, etc....and it makes me very sad.  I am sad because there are so many of us who are suffering with addiction.  I am learning that addiction does discriminate....it will latch onto a doctor, a homeless person, a single parent, or anyone who doesn't see it coming.  I am also learning that I haven't even BEGUN to fight this.  I have 2 more months before I even begin to feel the pain.  This scares me.  I am trying to put all of the resources in line that will help me fight this, but I am so scared.  I am scared to face the triggers.  I am afraid to face my boyfriend (ex).  I am disgusted that I took so many pills for so long and I can't even begin to forgive myself for that and for all of the hurt that I have caused my family.  
I have to say, the thing NOT to do when you are in your fourth week of recovery.....don't take a 4 day weekend to walk around Washington D.C.  It was great to be there with my son, but it was very hard.......but I am also proud of myself for doing it and for doing it free of drugs.  I proved to myself that I can do things without taking pills.  
I am just so scared that I will not able to fight this fight.  Taking pills is not an option anymore..........but I need to deal with why I began to abuse them.  That's the hard part....facing the ghosts!  Like I said, the physical withdrawals were easy compared to this.
I am not afraid of hard work......as long as I know that there is a light.

[Jebs317]

Your responses truly touched my heart.  I have been feeling so exhausted with fear....definitely fear of the unknown.  I am a planner and need everything mapped out.  You just can't map this out.  I am learning that I can put some of the things in my life on the back burner and work on me for a while.  

The thing that I am really starting to pay attention to is that I don't have any guilt anymore.  I regret the things that I did....but at least for today, I didn't do anything to feel guilty about.  That's a great feeling.
I am so grateful to all of you.
Kristen

[gnarly_1]

HI  first off congrads on your clean time and good for you getting out with your son on a 4 day trip....your right...it can be scary out there...being clean takes some getting use to
but your doing great so far and you got a good plan in place to keep it that way...
just take it one day at a time..or as they say ''just for today''  you will learn some new skills in recovery that will help you deal with every day life...and every day life has its ups and downs ...where no longer numb to our surroundings we can feel again both good and bad feelings...the guilt thing I think hits all of us at one point or  another..its like I wasted 16 1/2yrs of my life on this cra#...I have found solitude in God with this...I cant change the past but I do have a say so in my future....your future is bright now your living a new and clean lifestyle with time you will adjust to everything and life is beautiful once again time heals you...as you get more clean time things will all start to fall into place for you....right now you just have to learn how to live life again ..you will
and it is so so worth it when it all starts to come back together again...good luck and God bless....Gnarly    

[salsinator]

Congrats on your clean time Jebs.  I spent the weekend in Baltimore, so we must live in similar areas.  Fighting the addiction battle is different for everyone and working on yourself can sometimes be the hardest part, but in the end, it is so rewarding once we start to turn over all the stones and deal with the bugs that crawl out.  You are right, taking pills is not an option and finding out the reasons why you abused them must be done.  You are doing great - stay strong, keep your head up and continue to get out and do things.  When you are out in DC next time, try to not dwell on how difficult it is and remember that you are clean and can enjoy life without the drugs.

[cleanmom]

There is almost nothing worse than fear of the unknown. I say almost because continuing on in active addiction is worse. Stay on the path you are on and keep up your recovery care. It will all turn out okay.

Best of luck to you.

Jackyxo

[dominosarah]

Yes there is a light and the more you work on yourself the brighter it will get.  The pain you will feel when you really start to deal with your emotions is painful but using is more painful.  You are doing great and have a great plan in place........Congrats on that clean time!!         sara

[LeaAnn807]

I'm glad you went!  It's good for you to get out.  I have said, several times, that the WD is actually the easier part.  NOT EASY, but maybe easier than learning how to live and feel things and know what to do with ourselves!!!

Congrats on your clean time!!!

[Jebs317]

I just re-read this post and I meant to say that addiction does NOT discriminate....