I feel like my life is falling apart right in front of my eyes

[Lotsatrout]

Jeez...  I am having emotions and circumstances that I've never dealt with before and I'm not handling it very well.  I am only typing this because I really have no other "release".  I'm not sure yet if I will even hit the "post question" button.  First of all, money has been very tight lately.  I live in the Northeast and rely on fuel oil for heat.  I have had to dump every gallon of fuel by hand this year.  I couldn't even buy my daughter a present on her 18th birthday this last Sunday.  I have acted irrational and I really feel that my family is slipping through my fingers.  I haven't been a very good dad or husband for quite awhile now.  I am pain pill free and I have quit smoking pot.  My only demon left is beer and it's gotta go and I mean quick.

I know that my family is my responsibility and I really feel like I've let them down.  They haven't had their dad at home for many years.  They have had a dad who has always been "buzzed" on something.  I have put these things in front of my family for years and I am now seeing the consequences of not putting them first.  Words cannot describe how terrible that makes me feel.  How can I repair years of putting them 2nd?  I can't type anymore because this is not helping.  

I really thought things were supposed to get better when we quit all of this c r a p but things have only gotten worse.  I have wasted half of my life with my selfishness and I have crippled my relationship with my daughter and probably with my wife as well and nothing could be more painful.  I'm sorry to be such a downer today and start the forum off with my problems....  I have no friends and no one that I can talk to.  I know people here but that's it.  In most cases my wife and I talk about everything but now that isn't happening so I keep all of this bottled in.  I don't know what to do.  I thought I was on the right path but it sure doesn't feel very right.  

Trout

[worried878]

Feelings: we are not used to feeling feelings!
I was thinking....just thinking...one of my biggest triggers for my using is past related...I can not fix it...it is in connection with my divorce...years ago...I did not use then but their are things I did that I am not proud of...he did as well..we were childhood sweeties...married at 16 for 17 years...I have never remarried..we were young...When i quit pills i realized this was my biggest trigger...when i thought of that part of my past....I am working on letting that guilt go..It is not constructive to hold on to it any longer...I need to move forward...and u will too

[road2recovery]

GREAT POST!!!!   I always enjoy reading your advice..u need to stick around more!!!  lol

you told me those words months ago, and they stick with me everyday, and not just with drugs , just choices i make...Thanks for that
r2r

[liscamdave]

Buddy, I feel your pain. I am trying to live sober as well and am now dealing with all that I let go when I was high. I mean I let everything go. Bills, time with my daughter, everything. I was just so mean and so miserable and took everything out on those who loved me. Its a shame what we do during active addiction, but let me tell you this, I realized that I cannot go back, I cannot undo what I have already done, all I can do is continue on with a sober and clean life and that will be the best gift I can give to my daughter and to myself. I know you are hurting and realizing the mistakes you made, but Trout, we are all human and we, as addicts, have all made many mistakes, I mean gosh I lost my own husband to Oxy's and I STILL did them after I buried him. So we make mistakes and we are careless, but I am sure your daughter would much rather have you around then get a birthday gift, catch my drift. Your a good  man, who is trying, and I commend you for it. So you made some mistakes, ok, get up and try to right as many of the wrongs as you can. Make your family proud just as you have made us all proud.

Love and luck to you my friend....

xo, Lisa

[CATUF]

To me, you sound like you're on the runway and ready for take off.  The wheels had to fall off everything in my life before i was ready to start getting better.

I would say to you what someone said to me when I was in the darkest part of a black hole, a pit from which there seemed no way to escape: "Just do the next right thing, and the next right thing after that, and the next right thing after that.  And if you just keep doing the next right thing, pretty soon you're going to be in the right place."

At the time, that seemed like the worst sort of pie-in-the-sky.  But I never forgot those words and it didn't take long before I found out they were true.  They were really true.

Trout, you have absolutely no control over anything except the next thing that YOU do.  Just take care of that one thing and everything else will turn out exactly as it should.  Forget about that one thing and nothing works out -- no matter how hard you try to control all the rest of it.

Don't think about fixing this or making that better.  Don't think about getting this back or getting rid of that.  Don't think about anything, except the very next thing that is in front of you.  Just keep doing the next right thing and pretty soon you're going to be in the right place.  

CATUF
1008

ps  I was told that it helps to pray and that turned out to be another thing that was right.  It was a real problem for me, because I didn't believe in anything to pray to.  So, I was told to pray for a belief in something to pray to.  Dumb as that sounded, I did it because I was pretty sure I was a dead man if I didn't.  Despite my conviction that such a stupid thing couldn't work, that turned out to be right too.

[persnick38]

Trout: I can so relate to what you are saying. I basically went through the same feelings yesterday - thinking about how I have let my daughter down, how my job performance has suffered, how I have led myself to bankruptcy, etc. etc.

Someone said something to me that made sense. Okay - you messed up. The important thing is that you have recognized that and you have taken HUGE steps in the right direction. Looking back is only going to reinforce the negative thoughts and make you feel like ****. Try to stay focused on today and today only. Each and every day you have to focus on what you can do right now, this minutes, second, etc. to stay on the right path. You cannot change your past, but you can control what you do today.

Don't minimize the great things that you have accomplished. You quit pills and you quit pot. Celebrate that. Those things weren't easy. You can quit beer too. I understand why you feel like you have let your family down, but again, don't focus on the negative. Focus on what you have done to help your family - quitting pills and pot. You posted today and asked for help. Each step is another step towards helping yourself and your family.

You can do this. Pray and ask God for courage and strength. He will give it to you. He will walk with you through this. All you have to do is ask Him and He will be there.

Hang in there and God bless. I think that your family is so fortunate to have a man who cares so much for them. Focus on the positive and the present.

[swtbreezie]

Have you let her read the forum?  My finacee didn't truely understand but supported me until he read the posts from me and others in the same situation.  And Duck you go and tell your wife your true heart believe me it will help.  Hugzzzz you both
Take care
swtbreezie