I need some support. Please help me get through this

[morganbeanz918]

This sobriety thing is much harder than I expected.  I'm not sure I want to go through all of this mind **** and physical **** games that come along with withdraw.  My body at day 2 feels like I got hit by a bus.  Every muscle, joint, and hair on my body is aching, aching for that one tiny little pill.  My heart tells me to stay strong but my brain tells me that I NEED them!!  The angel on my shoulder is telling me that " YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS, YOU DESERVE TO BE IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN BODY AND NOT A TINY PILL. But then again, my devil tells me "YOU ARE WEAK!! YOU NEED THIS TO SURVIVE!"   I can't take it any longer!!!  I couldn't sleep last night due to the restless leg syndrome (and go figure it's part of withdraw symptoms.)  I'm tired but this RLS won't let me sleep.  My legs and feet have a constant urge to move.  It's so uncomfortable.  I walk around through out the day with either chills one minute and the next, profusely sweating.   This is killing me on the inside and out.  I didn't even spend anytime with my baby.  I feel horrible.  While he's calling "ma-ma", I ignore him because I just walk around wondering where my next high will come from.  What else could I fake to get a prescription?, what emergency room should I go too to get my high?, god, when is this gonna end, when will this pain go away?!!  All these race through my head and that's all I think about non stop.  I miss them.  I miss the feeling of euphoria, the feeling of excitablilty and the rush of the energy level.  But now that I am out of them and I mope around the house.  I am starting to fear that I may not be strong enough to do this at all or even alone.  I am doubting all my will power, my common sense, and my strength.  I want to remain strong.  I've realized that I had a problem but I am so used to the feeling of being happy all the time.  Now I feel as if my happiness (even though I have 2 awesome sons and an great fiance at home) has left me.  I surrendered my heart and soul to God.  I've prayed that I get through this withdraw fast and that I remain strong.  
Today I couldn't remain strong.  I went to the doctors and asked for some more.  I got another prescription of Vicodin 5/500 x 60.  I was all excited to get them.  But when it came time to pick them up from the pharmacy, they told me that my insurance had put a hold on it because "I've exceeded my limit with the same drug".  Awkward but okay....?!@  And then it dawned on me, God really wants me to get better, that's why there was a road block in picking up my "treats".   I'll be damned, for the first time in my 24 yrs of life, I've realized there WAS a God!!  
Anyways, I wish I could have the same energy without those "treats".  I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning all hyper and eager to spend time with my baby.  I hate how now I have no energy.  I hate being an addict, I hate to quit something I so much enjoyed and for so many months relied on to get me through my day.  
The last few weeks, I've noticed that I would only play with my 8 month old if I had my high.  But then as I would run out, I'd withdraw away from him as well.  I don't know if it's normal, but it's not helping much.  I now wish I had a pill so bad so I could give the time of day to Jacob and show him his mom still loves him.  I love my boys to death, and that is part of the reason why I chose to quit yesterday.  I don't think it's fair to my kids to have a mother who has to get her pill high on before I would even paid attention to them.  That's not what I want for them to grow up around.  My oldest is 4 years old and my youngest is 8 monthes old.  I don't want to hurt them anymore, even though they don't know about my drug problem.  My choices in the long run will influence them and consitquences will take place for my actions.  
I keep telling myself that this is a dangerous game I am playing.  I'm sneaking around to all sorts of doctors, kinda like Doctor shopping, buying pills off the street, and running out of excuses to use to get my "treats".  If I don't quit NOW, it's a matter of time before I get caught and either get put in jail or worse yet, prison.  I can't bare to fathum the possibility of leaving my kids for any period length of time.
I can't be away from my kids that long, especially my youngest boy who is so very attached to his mother and that mother is so very attached to him.  
So now that I think about it, maybe I am not hurting Jacob by ignoring him.  Maybe Jacob knows his mommy's sick and needs time to adjust to this new sober life.  Maybe he knows that it's best in the long run.  I need to get over and face my addiction head to head.  I need to do this alone, since no body can help me.  I need to stay strong not only for my sake but for the sake of my children.  I want to become a better person and fully live a sober life.  I want to be a better and more doting Christ follower.  I want to be a better mother/wife.  I want to be in control of my OWN life.   I prayed to God tonight that he helps me through this difficult time.
If I had one wish today, I wouldn't wish for money, fame, or material things.  I would wish for the "old" Melissa back.  The one who didn't use drugs at all, and just got high on life.  The Melissa who always was hyper naturally.  The girl who was always excited waking up in the morning.  I regret ever popping my first pain pill.  I wish I could take it back that way I wouldn't know and compare my current life to how it was.  I see people in every day life and on television who look completely and udderly happy.  Inside my mind, I wonder if they are pill popper too because how else could someone be that happy?!  I truly miss being that happy without relying on something that makes me that way.  I wish my withdraws were over and I would stop craving the one thing I love and hate the most.  
Can anyone send me some encouragement so I can be motivated to continue to remain sober?  How long will the withdraw symptoms last?  When will I start feeling better?  Is there anything I should be taking that will help with natural energy?

[nikki9202]

Sweetie . . .My code name is Nikki.  I am literally on Day One of this journey of Hell.  I am also a therapist . . .how f-ing ironic is this . . .a drug counselor on top of that.  Here WAS my plan today.  I said to myself, (and excuse the brutal message) "NO ******* MORE OF THIS."  Then, to make damned sure that I would not, could not go back . . .I "outed" myself to every source I possibly could . . first, my doctor, then my pharmacist . . rip up the prescription, then on my Facebook page to my friends and my family, then I called my two daughters -- 10 and 13 -- and spoke to my 13 year old and told her I loved her but that I was doing this thing.  She said, and I quote, "See you on the other side of hell, Mom.  I love you."  Then . . .as I started experiencing Stage One of the withdrawal symptoms:  flu-like symptoms:  sniffling, coughing, sneezing, muscle aches . . and boy, my pinched nerve still burns like hell to boot, I picked myself up, took a LONG hot shower (that felt good on my pinched nerve) and made myself go out for the evening. My friend happened to pick a restaurant that we had to walk 20 blocks to . . so we did.  That helped, too.  I am not only fighting addiction . .I am fighting chronic pain.  Double whammy.  Then, I went to two clubs and literally observed people hanging out until 12:45 a.m., just to have something to do so I did not sit at home this evening, feeling miserable.  I KNOW the worst is coming . . . and I COULD have given myself an out by picking up a prescription on Monday at my pharmacy, but I cut it off.  Now, I have no opportunity.  Once you air your dirty laundry, there is no shoving it back in the drawer.  Pure and simple.  Oh, and I tried to hit not one but two recovery meetings (note to everyone:  NA might be too ghetto for prescription drug use for a lot of folks, I have heard, so I headed to AA meetings . .), wouldn't you know?  They both were closed . . .so back to plan B, which was to the clubs.  And I had a soda there.  So . . . stay strong.  I can totally relate to the lack of energy, the nervous leg feeling, the feeling of never feeling normal again.  My friend sat at dinner and talked about her boyfriend who, by the time he was placed into tx himself for Vicodin addiction, was downing 640 tabs a month at 20 mg. per tab!!!  OMG.  I am surprised the guy's liver and kidneys are still functioning.  He still suffers chronic pain and SO does she . . . but she lives through it, day after day.  So I will have to as well . . .it is reality.  I REFUSE to let something, literally in the psychiatric field called a "controlled substance," control me anymore.  I have had controlling relationships . . I have had controlling jobs . ..I am not going to let some little pill control who I am anymore.  So, get out of the house . . .call some family, some friends, reach out to that fiance of yours for support . . and if  you have to, lend out your sons for a bit so you can take a walk . . .but don't go back.  Or else you will just start all over again.  Another day.  And you will be back in hell . . all over again.  I wish you . .and ALL of the rest of us ..  . luck in our journey to "sobriety."  Stay strong . . .

[hiskidd]

you are getting such good advice. you will get better. you will feel stronger. one sentiment i want to echo, is the person who said they felt strong enough to "take just one or two" to get through the day. that is a lie from the pit of hell. it knocked me back on my 41st day.

i remember going to pick up the prescription. i sat in my car feeling pretty good. i didn't want to go to the pharmacy, but i gave into the temptation. i through 40+ days away, and then tried a second time to quit and only got to 4 or 5 days because I found some oxy that I thought had been thrown away after a stressful self-imposed incident.

anyway, i'm on my third day 4, and have no pills, and no plans to get another prescription. the one thing missing from my story is a bonified N/A meeting. when you feel so strong, you kind of stop the stuff that helped you get there, and think pills are in your control if you need one here or one there. so, i'm going to a meeting to try it for sure this time. or joining a church small group. i need the accountability.

if you don't have the clean tracker from this site, you should get it. it's a simple tool, but there is something about seeing the number of days add up that helps push you too. the one thing about it i wish i'd have done was look at all the clean days i was throwing away the day my main temptation hit. praying for you.

[dwbson]

Hi there. I am on day 21 today. I can only share what has helped me to this point. First, I realized the pills were controlling me. Yes the initial euphoria and energy are awesome. It's easy to convince yourself why it's ok to take the next one. However, the one thing I didn't hear from you is where the pills take you next. They compete with receptors in your brain decreasing your endorphins which causes the euphoria so they are overstimulated. Your body compensates by increasing adrenalin. The euphoria then turns into ups and downs of depression and anxiety. Eventually, and this happens to everyone, you will lose the euphoria and become numb, withdrawn, and all mmotivation for life is GONE. I'm not making this up. The pills then turn into the need to be "normal" like take a shower, go to grocery store, pay some attention to your children.  Then that even stops. The euphoria is no more. I'm not sure you are there yet, but if you keep using, IT IS COMING!
At that point for me, my children no longer had a mother, but a bed bug. I stopped cooking and house care. I wouldn't go anywhere anymore. My children were sad. I disappointed them constantly.
Ok here's the things that helped me and it is work. First, tell people you can trust and who will help you. You will need them for support through talks, getting out of house and child care. STOP, the negative thinking. You had some good positive statements in your post. Hang on to them. Memorize them SAY THEM EVERYDAY. As a Christian , the devil is going to put all sorts of negative ideas in your head because he doesn't want to lose you. Pray for God's strength and mercy. Second, as soon as possible , exercise. I walked until I thought I would drop saying the positive things to myself as I did. You must keep moving and stay busy. Third, cut off all accesses to the drug so you can't get your hands on any during your bad days. Fourth, focus on the future, not the drug.
This is your promises from God that is such a comfort to me: 1Peter 5:10
After I have suffered A LITTLE WHILE...God himself will set me on firm ground and STRENGTHEN AND SETTLE ME. Focus on life is suppose to be lived without drugs. God is ready to give you that victorious life, but you must walk towards it. The old Melissa is who God intended for you to be. Bring her back, He needs you. You must fight this first week, you can, tell yourself you can. Let those on here who have done it to inspire you that It CAN AND WILL BE DONE! Remember, everyday you conquer is one day closer to freedom. Be gentle with yourself. Though you can't see it immediately, just like a dormant tree in the fall, healing and changing are healing are happening are happening each day inside and one day, you will produce new life just like the tree in the Spring. Your Spring WILL come!

[laurel453]

RLS usually linger for some days, try these remedies you have been adviced cause it is really annoying at nights... Aftercare would be a great bet on your recovery. It takes time and some work but it is doable, give yourself the best chance :) This is a long race, don't give up, ok ? :) Best wishes !!!

[morganbeanz918]

Thanks to all who have taken the time to write some encouraging words.  It means a lot to know that I am not the only one going through this.  To answer some of the questions you guys had, my fiance does know about my addiction.  He tries to encourage me as much as possible but there's only a certain degree where he can help.  He doesn't know what it's like to go through withdrawal.  He lives a sober life.  I've kept my addiction to just him and I.  I wish I could get enough guts to tell my mom so I could have her support.  But then again, I don't want my mom disappointed in me.  Maybe one day I will face her, but right now I can't.  I can't remember the first time I took my first pill.  I had 2 surgeries growing up and 7 broken bones.  But I do know one thing..... back then I didn't even see a change in my behavior.  I don't remember getting euphoria, I just remember it took my pain away from the surgery or broken bones.  But now that I think about it, my mother was in control of all my meds back then. LOL  My addiction got really bad after I had my 4 year old.  I struggled off and on to be sober and the day I was finally sober I started enjoying life again.  Then after I had Jacob last year, I vowed to myself that I would try going thru labor without any pain meds.... yeah right, after the 5th or 6th contraction, I said **** that and took the pain meds.  After giving birth, I remember sitting in my room with my new bundle of joy looking into his precious eyes and telling him I must remain sober.  During my hospital stay, I took only half of a vicodin 5/500 when it really needed it.  And then the worst thing happened, my doctor sent home a prescription for a bunch of vicodin to an addict.  Yes, I could have declined that prescription but a part of me asked myself what if I really needed it.  After all I just had a baby.  I thought I'd be over my addiction and then as I got home from the hospital, I thought about everything that was causing me pains and ended up taking a few.  I noticed, then that I could be "SuperMOM".  I could clean my entire house, fix dinner AND take care of a 4 day old.  It felt great and since then my addiction came back.  I regret my decision to this day.
So today is Day 3 of my sobriety.  I'm kinda starting to feel different- in a good way.  My RLS woke me up this morning and it's been hard getting back to sleep ever since.  I started writing this post around 5 am and it's 6:37 am now.  I took some more tylenol and I'm about to try to go back to sleep.  But I will keep everyone posted as the days and weeks go on.  Thanks again for everyone's support.  

[newinrecovery]

Hi, I also want to offer you some support.  I too am struggling with giving up the pills.  I was in rehab just a couple of weeks ago, and while I was there I felt strong and supported.  I was supported, by 23 other patients in there and staff at the treatment center 24/7.  I got home and did well for a few days, and then when the anxiety and lonliness felt unbearable one day, I remembered I had a refill on the Lortab.  I thought to myself, I'll just take a couple to get me through and then dispose of the rest.  Yeah, right!!!  Who was I kidding... disposing of "those golden pain pills", how could I possibly do that.

I could kick myself in the butt for that.  How foolish was I.  I knew better.... I have dealt with addiction for most of my life first with food, then alcohol, then pain pills... along with shopping and unhealthy relationships.  I will say that the rehab was a great thing, and I have not forgotten what I have learned.  I need to just toss the rest of the pills and deal with the withdrawals.  I am going to meetings, just not claiming any sobriety, since I tossed that out the window when I got the refill on the pills.

I like a sober life and the couple weeks that I was clean recently, I felt much peace.  I enjoy being around people in 12 step groups and find a lot of support from most of them.  I encourage you if you have not already, to check out some AA or NA meetings.  You don't have to speak when you go there.  See how it is to be around other addicts and alcoholics and you will find you have so much in common.  That alone, will give you a ray of hope and help you feel some support.  If you aren't ready for that, would you consider going to NA. org or AA. org and just read some of the things on the website?  You could even call your local AA/NA office and get a number of a volunteer who you can call and just talk about your situation with.  

I think if you try one of those things, you might feel just a little bit of hope to help you decide that sobriety is worth working for, even if it means a few days of discomfort to go through all the withdrawals.

I hope I helped in some way.  Let me know if I can help you any further.. Good luck and God bless... B

[rockbottom1970]

Wow I really feel the pain you are going through and your doing it while caring for two young children.  I detoxed last week and I cannot imagine having that responsibility with me.  Can your Finace help out at all?  does he know what is going on?

Some good news for you, if your at day 2 your about half way through the worst of it.  Do not stop now because you are almost there!  Try not to think of that one pill, one pill will erase what you have accomplished so far.  Detox CT is brutal. It sounds like you want to give up the pills for good.....well do you really want to go through this again??? when your so close?

You got this...You are doing it right now.  This is where you have to toughen up mentally and keep pushing, like i said your almost there and it does get better, I promise.

The best thing you can do for your children is to give them the mom they deserve back.  Its a small price to pay to go through this for a few days for exchange of a lifetime of the old Melissa and her two boys.

Here's some things that helped me while i detoxed, A lot of gatorade or any other fluids, Tonic water(mixed with Gatorade cz it tastes bad) someone told me it has Quinine in it, its supposed to help whith RLS, Hylands has a product Called restless leg cramps (you can find it at wal mart or any health store, bananas also help for RLS, Take Advil regularily, a good multivitamin and take a lot of hot baths with epsom salts if you can, I was taking up to 8 baths a day especially at your stage.  It helps big time.  

The energy and sleep just didn't come for me.  I wish I could help you more with that but maybe another member will have a suggestion.  I know this may not be much but I tried to accept that I was not going to get much sleep so when I did get some sleep it felt like a moral victory for me.  The more i fought it the more I would get frustrated.

Hnag in there Keep pushing!  You are halfway there!  You got This Thing!!!
Good luck and let me know if you have anymore questions.  Good Luck and God Bless....

KJ

[Silleestarfish]

First off- you should be proud of yourself for making the decison to get your life back. On this forum you will find tons of information, advice suppport and encouragement from other members who have or are currently going through what you are right now. I was in your same shoes 14 days ago. I decided to stop and was scared to death. The first few days aren't easy with day 4 being the worst for most people. After that the wd's start to easy off and witrhin a week, you should be feeling pretty good. Try to think of it as having a really bad flu- we've all gone through that before. Do you have support at home while doing this. There are several natural remedies you can use to help ease the process;
Immodiun.
L-Tyrosine for RLS
Mineral supplement that contains at least 100% RDA of Zinc, Phosphorus, Copper, Magnesium and Potassium. You may not find a supplement that contains all of these together. If not, then buy separately.
Vitamin B6 or B Complex
Access to hot showers or baths with epsom salts.
Melatonin for  sleep.
I also added St John Wort to fight off depression.

Push lots of fluids and force yourself to eat even if you don't want to. Also, exercise will help immensly. Getting clean is easy compared to staying clean so you will alo need to think about aftercare such as NA/AA meetings, counseling etc. Keep posting with your updates. People will repond. I am so happy tou found this forum and wish you all the best. I am a mother to a 10, 4 and 2 year old. I know exactly what you are going though. Stay strong.

Steph

[purpleessence]

Hey, so i'm not sure how much i can help but i am here for support when you need it. I am the same age as you i have a husband but no children yet. What i can say you already know and you're a very strong person for realizing your addiction and how it's harming you and your family. The first step is admitting it, which i'm sure you know of and you've done it so be proud of yourself for at least getting there. You are a strong person and although at times you may feel weak it's all about those mountains you try to get over in life. I can't say how long your withdrawl will last, normally it's two - three weeks but it varies for everyone. The great thing is thinking of your kids and how when you are back to your same self they will be there for you and they will look up to you when they get older knowing what a strong person you are. Does you fiancee know about your addiction? I don't think it is something you can fight on your own with children, not to say you can't do it you sure as hell can and you know it..this note proves it..but just so you have real live encouragement it's always helpful especially in times you feel like this. If you don't mind me asking why did you take that first pill? What was going through your mind? Why did you continue to take those pills? Were you using them as an escape for something? I totally commend you for your strength and trying to do this for yourself and your family. You're amazing!!

[halstead124]

HI,I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH TODAY WAS MY FIRST DAY ON HERE AND HAVE LIVED THAT WAY FOR YEARS IVE BEEN ON SINCE LAST NIGHT HAVENT SLEPT BEEN READING POSTS AND BELIEVE YOU ARE NOT GOING THROUGH THIS ALONE I TALKED TO A COUPLE OF PEOPLE ONE WOMEN THAT I TALKED TO MADE ALOT OF SENSE AND GAVE ME THE ADVICE I NEEDED SO HANG OUT YOULL BE OK AND JUST TRY TO CHILL I KNOW EASY TO SAY BUT YOULL DO FINE