Aa
I screwed up- starting over
God, I am in such a mind f#$@ right now. I literally feel like the most weak person. I see all you guys that are strong and pushing through and here I go messing up. The thing is- this withdrawal is so much easier than when I came of Fentanyl. It seems that I am having a hard time letting it go. That last little bit that says- You will never ever take these again and I question "is this what you really want' Now. I really do but I am sick and my back hurts (the reason why I started on these infernal things) and I see an excuse. So, yesterday, I am suffering through and I was cleaning out one of the places I stored my pills (I think all of us have these little secret holding spots and I came across 2. Instead of flushing them immediately, I sat there and thought "well your back really hurts and etc etc etc. You all know the deal. So here I am at day one again. I feel like a complete waste/loser.
I have also come to the realization that for me to stay clean I need to have more help with the kids. My husband is a workaholic and takes one day off a month( if that) so I am left to do all the things with the kids alone. I am lonely and I guess the pills made me feel less so. Yesterday I told him in no uncertain terms that I can not do this anymore. I have been like a single parent for the last 8 years and I can't do it so he needs to have 2 days off a week at min and that I would give him 3 months to figure it out. Either rework the schedule or change jobs. I told him how the kids and I miss him and I want a husband by my side not a roommate. I make sure he knew the reason for my demand was not because I want him to lose out but to gain us again and reiterated how much we love and miss him. I really hope he heard me.
I have also come to the realization that for me to stay clean I need to have more help with the kids. My husband is a workaholic and takes one day off a month( if that) so I am left to do all the things with the kids alone. I am lonely and I guess the pills made me feel less so. Yesterday I told him in no uncertain terms that I can not do this anymore. I have been like a single parent for the last 8 years and I can't do it so he needs to have 2 days off a week at min and that I would give him 3 months to figure it out. Either rework the schedule or change jobs. I told him how the kids and I miss him and I want a husband by my side not a roommate. I make sure he knew the reason for my demand was not because I want him to lose out but to gain us again and reiterated how much we love and miss him. I really hope he heard me.
I was not very clear My Doc wants to see me because she feels that if I want to get off the pills thats fine but I explained to her that I felt very lost and not in complete control in my head so that concerned her. I have gone CT many years ago but nothing like what I just went through that was the reason I spoke with her ....
Of course we assume doctors know best BUT fact is most are clueless when it comes to addiction. Unless you have an underlying heart condition or some other pre existing condition opiate withdrawl will NOT kill you. Yes, you feel like your dying but it won't kill you. Do you have an underlying health issue? Maybe that's why she's concerned? Go see the doctor and see what she proposes. Just wanted to clarify that in case somebody new on here reads that and thinks opiate wds will kill them No it won't but it is always wise to have a doctor monitor you whenever possible during wds. I'm just about to enter wd hell for awhile and know that it's horrific (this will be the third one) but it can be done. As a precaution I checked with my doctor because I DO have blood pressure issues but he gave me some clonidine to help with that. It's a blood pressure med that's commonly prescribed to help wds. it's not habit forming and can help with the symptoms. Other meds like benzos and tramadol however CAN be dangerous to cold turkey. Just thought I'd clear that up. We don't want to scare people away from getting clean. For anyone who wants to quit, talk to your doctor and get the green light and maybe some clonidine :) Cold turkey is often the ONLY way we can get the monkey off our backs because tapering requires discipline (and if we had any of that when it comes to the drugs we wouldn't be here would we?) and maintenence drugs are something that should be a last resort. So most of the time going cold turkey is the only way we can get out of this mess and luckily for most of us who are otherwise healthy the wds will not kill us. It just feels like that.
I feel your pain .... Your post has many of my own issues , dealers , doctors, excuses , and the lost loved ones and the fun parts of life that these pills have taken away from many of us!! I wish I never ever saw one I wish all of us the best of luck and strength in our battles.
Hey, Buddy dont feel so bad I made it three days clean and as soon as I got home on monday I scored some NORCO I thought I was going to die!! I called my doctor and she said that after taking 4-6 10/325 for years that CT was very dangerous ?? she wants me to continue with the meds until next week when I go see her she will set me up with some help to clean up.. my point is dont feel like a lone failure we all have ups and downs and if I just did three days I can do five and if I make that far who knows what I can do so be stong !!
Honestly, I have no physical pain. I started on vicodin back in 96 because a Doctor gave me 50 5/500 with 4 refills after hurting my back playing in my Softball League. That back pain is long gone, the draw to the meds was the fact when I exercised, I wasn't sore, and I found I could exercise longer and harder.
Then the internet boom of the early 2000's where you could by 100 compounded hydrocodone 15/200 for75 bucks just by sending in a bunch of fake records. Now you will pay 240.00 for 30 of them on the net.
So what does any smart opiate addict do? I took to the streets and found a steady source over the last 2 plus years. About 150 tabs a month for the low cost of 400.00. Like my wife said, that's a car payment.
I just wish she was home right now, or I was at my new job i'm suppose to start here soon. I cant take it alone. I'm going to the NA website right now before I change my mind and make another deal with the devil.
Then the internet boom of the early 2000's where you could by 100 compounded hydrocodone 15/200 for75 bucks just by sending in a bunch of fake records. Now you will pay 240.00 for 30 of them on the net.
So what does any smart opiate addict do? I took to the streets and found a steady source over the last 2 plus years. About 150 tabs a month for the low cost of 400.00. Like my wife said, that's a car payment.
I just wish she was home right now, or I was at my new job i'm suppose to start here soon. I cant take it alone. I'm going to the NA website right now before I change my mind and make another deal with the devil.
Tapering rarely works..granted there are a *few* who can do it but really if we had so much control over the pills we wouldn't be addicts would we? Plus tapering just means a looong drawn out withdrawl. The equivelent of ripping the bandaid off ever so slowly. Those receptors will quiet down but everyone says it takes time. Check out the amino acid protocol posted on the lower right hand side of the forum. The aminos are the building blocks of our brain chemistry and will help promote the healing our brains need to do. I am feeling sooo sick but forced myself to drink a protien shake this morning. It'll probably be the only thing I consume today but thats ok. Pick up a can of it from Walmart, it's pretty cheap and can really help get your brain healing quicker.
Hang in there and yes your wife is right, get to a meeting asap and you'll be glad you did. Post here as much as you need too as well, we are all in various stages of recovery. I'm just beginning my jouney, I'm no stranger to this but am really in my infancy as far as recovery goes. But two years and two relapses and God knows how much suffering it took for me to FINALLY really truly see that it can't be done alone. I think I finally "surrendered" and know there is no way I can successfully use narcotics to manage my pain. And honestly it stopped being about my pain a long time ago..it was that high I wanted. The pain factor was an afterthought.. now I need to start from scratch and change the way I think and although I have a lot of work to do I just take it a day at a time..or a minute at a time at the moment..
Hang in there and yes your wife is right, get to a meeting asap and you'll be glad you did. Post here as much as you need too as well, we are all in various stages of recovery. I'm just beginning my jouney, I'm no stranger to this but am really in my infancy as far as recovery goes. But two years and two relapses and God knows how much suffering it took for me to FINALLY really truly see that it can't be done alone. I think I finally "surrendered" and know there is no way I can successfully use narcotics to manage my pain. And honestly it stopped being about my pain a long time ago..it was that high I wanted. The pain factor was an afterthought.. now I need to start from scratch and change the way I think and although I have a lot of work to do I just take it a day at a time..or a minute at a time at the moment..
Yes, you are so right. My wife suggested AA/NA meetings. I now realize I cannot and will probably not be able to last much longer trying this alone. This board is a godsend right now, but I totally agree with you, human interaction at a meetings will solidify what I read and share here.
I wish I would have weened, but I didn't, and now my receptors are the part of my brain that is playing cruel games with me.
Good luck to you all and much much thanks for all of your support here
I wish I would have weened, but I didn't, and now my receptors are the part of my brain that is playing cruel games with me.
Good luck to you all and much much thanks for all of your support here
Hmm, I posted to you as well but my post disappeared! Just wanted to add I know where your coming from. I have 2 young kids and my hubby and I didn't see eye to eye for a long time. In fact we still don't but thats another story.. He too would busy himself with work and leave the responisbilty of the kids all on me. I felt lonely and resentful and the pills made me feel like I had a "friend" but that friend turned on me in the worst way. Now I became lonely and hooked badly on a drug that I had been prescribed for pain but ironically caused far more pain for me then my back ever did.
You need to get into aftercare. Not only would you get the adult interaction you need but more importantly you'd get into RECOVERING versus just abstaining. Getting off pills is the "easy" part but staying clean is a challenge that we need help with. We cannot do it alone, I've tried. Many of us have tried but it's so overwhelming. That's why aftercare helps so much. We no longer have to bear the weight of the world ourselves anymore. We can connect with people who have been in our shoes and have found a way to stay clean AND be happy. They will show you how to do it if your willing to give it a shot. My suggestion would be to find your nearest NA or AA meeting and go! You'll get numbers of other recovering addicts that you can call when your in need of support and you'll get to address the issues that led you to self medicate to begin with. White knuckling it doesn't work for long. Give yourself the best possible odds to stay clean and work a recovery program. You owe it to yourself and your kids to throw yourself head first into recovery. Quitting drugs only addresses the physical addiction. Our spirits and minds need fixing too..thats where aftercare comes in to treat our entire beings and teach us the coping tools we need. In addiction we turn our lives over to drugs. They become the answer for everything when we're in the midst of active addiction. Then we find that our lives become disasters and the shame eats at us and yep, we use even more to cover up that shame. Vicious cycle it is. But in recovery we can learn to do life sober. Give it a shot, you won't be sorry. But if you continue to try to do it on your own you'll likely find out (the hard way like I did) that it's just impossible to go it alone. Look at anyone on here with signifigant clean time--they ALL got into aftercare. That's no coincidence!
You need to get into aftercare. Not only would you get the adult interaction you need but more importantly you'd get into RECOVERING versus just abstaining. Getting off pills is the "easy" part but staying clean is a challenge that we need help with. We cannot do it alone, I've tried. Many of us have tried but it's so overwhelming. That's why aftercare helps so much. We no longer have to bear the weight of the world ourselves anymore. We can connect with people who have been in our shoes and have found a way to stay clean AND be happy. They will show you how to do it if your willing to give it a shot. My suggestion would be to find your nearest NA or AA meeting and go! You'll get numbers of other recovering addicts that you can call when your in need of support and you'll get to address the issues that led you to self medicate to begin with. White knuckling it doesn't work for long. Give yourself the best possible odds to stay clean and work a recovery program. You owe it to yourself and your kids to throw yourself head first into recovery. Quitting drugs only addresses the physical addiction. Our spirits and minds need fixing too..thats where aftercare comes in to treat our entire beings and teach us the coping tools we need. In addiction we turn our lives over to drugs. They become the answer for everything when we're in the midst of active addiction. Then we find that our lives become disasters and the shame eats at us and yep, we use even more to cover up that shame. Vicious cycle it is. But in recovery we can learn to do life sober. Give it a shot, you won't be sorry. But if you continue to try to do it on your own you'll likely find out (the hard way like I did) that it's just impossible to go it alone. Look at anyone on here with signifigant clean time--they ALL got into aftercare. That's no coincidence!
Hey dilemna, Here's what I would suggest. First and foremost GET AFTERCARE! Whether it be NA, AA, a therapist, etc choice is yours but we cannot do this alone. You've found out like many of us that getting clean is easy compared to STAYING clean. That's why we need help to stay clean. It's just too much to bear for one person but by getting into recovery you will learn the tools you need to stay clean and as you put more days together it will become easier to manage the mindscrew of addiction.
I am on my third detox in two years right now. Both other times I thought I could do it alone but the depression, anxiety and cravings hit me bad and without any outside support I fell back in with each time getting worse then the time before. I've lost almost everything to this drug (oxy was my doc) I strongly believe that if I had gotten and stuck with a recovery program I would be celebrating clean time right now..not going through withdrawls again. This forum is an excellent source of support and post as much as you like, people here will help. But it cannot replace real life support. Check out NA meeting listings online and get to a meeting asap. Your "white knuckling" it right now. In NA you will find people just like you who have endured what you are and who are clean AND happy being that way. They'll help prop you up when you feel weak, they will help you get to the root of your addiction so you can lay those demons to rest and let go of the past. They will help you stay clean!! Please look into aftercare right away, it will make all the difference in the world.
I am on my third detox in two years right now. Both other times I thought I could do it alone but the depression, anxiety and cravings hit me bad and without any outside support I fell back in with each time getting worse then the time before. I've lost almost everything to this drug (oxy was my doc) I strongly believe that if I had gotten and stuck with a recovery program I would be celebrating clean time right now..not going through withdrawls again. This forum is an excellent source of support and post as much as you like, people here will help. But it cannot replace real life support. Check out NA meeting listings online and get to a meeting asap. Your "white knuckling" it right now. In NA you will find people just like you who have endured what you are and who are clean AND happy being that way. They'll help prop you up when you feel weak, they will help you get to the root of your addiction so you can lay those demons to rest and let go of the past. They will help you stay clean!! Please look into aftercare right away, it will make all the difference in the world.
Congratulation on being 8 days clean. I am just starting again but you are a real inspiration for the rest of us just starting the journey.
Good luck and I will be praying for you,
scoenen
Good luck and I will be praying for you,
scoenen
Hi there - My first post after finding this forum. Let me briefly describe myself - A 54 year old male who has been on vicodin since1996. Since 96 it slowly progressed into 1 or 2 a day with some days never taking any to 6 to 8 a day, everyday since about 2005. Im surprised my liver hasn't failed. I did take precautions, I took milk thistle and NAC 600 religiously and a multi vitamin along with Allie. Yep, Allie, it took away the constipation.
Now- ive been clean for 8 days for the first time in over a decade. My physical withdrawals are pretty much gone, although I still sneeze more than usual before I quit. For me its all about the craving. The cravings are whats getting the best of me right now. I'm fine for the first few hours of the day (like now), but by afternoon into early evening the cravings have taken over my mind. I was buying vicodin from a dealer at 3 bucks a pop for a 10/325. That dealer is 100 miles away. I would go every other week on a 200 mile round trip with a couple hundred bucks or more to buy vicodin. It got to the point when I went to the ATM and got on the freeway, I started feeling guilty, so guilty I would cry. Then once I got my bottle and took a couple, on the way home I felt great but was already thinking about how to sneak more money out of my Wife's and I checking account and what excuse I would use.
Finally, I told my wife what I was doing and that I wanted to quit. I have this window of opportunity of quitting my job for another job (im in IT) and am simply waiting for the background check so I can get my start date. So here I sit, wife at work, and I'm starting to feel the cravings set in. It would be so easy to relapse, I have the freakin dealer on speed dial. Oh, removing his number from my phone won't do any good, I know it by memory unfortunately.
My Wife leaves for work asking me if i'll be ok, I see the concern in her eyes. She wants so bad for me to end the madness so we can have our lives back. I do to, but its so hard not to think about them little pills.
When I was using I was running 4 miles a day, but never felt like great. i want to be able to get back to that without the vicodin. Ive exercised one time in the last 8 days. I have no energy. The mind is playing cruel tricks on me right now, and I have no idea how long I can take this.
I am glad I found this forum, it is helping to read your stories. I don't feel as alone as I did last week. I just hope I can stay clean until I start my new job. I hope!
thanks for listening
Now- ive been clean for 8 days for the first time in over a decade. My physical withdrawals are pretty much gone, although I still sneeze more than usual before I quit. For me its all about the craving. The cravings are whats getting the best of me right now. I'm fine for the first few hours of the day (like now), but by afternoon into early evening the cravings have taken over my mind. I was buying vicodin from a dealer at 3 bucks a pop for a 10/325. That dealer is 100 miles away. I would go every other week on a 200 mile round trip with a couple hundred bucks or more to buy vicodin. It got to the point when I went to the ATM and got on the freeway, I started feeling guilty, so guilty I would cry. Then once I got my bottle and took a couple, on the way home I felt great but was already thinking about how to sneak more money out of my Wife's and I checking account and what excuse I would use.
Finally, I told my wife what I was doing and that I wanted to quit. I have this window of opportunity of quitting my job for another job (im in IT) and am simply waiting for the background check so I can get my start date. So here I sit, wife at work, and I'm starting to feel the cravings set in. It would be so easy to relapse, I have the freakin dealer on speed dial. Oh, removing his number from my phone won't do any good, I know it by memory unfortunately.
My Wife leaves for work asking me if i'll be ok, I see the concern in her eyes. She wants so bad for me to end the madness so we can have our lives back. I do to, but its so hard not to think about them little pills.
When I was using I was running 4 miles a day, but never felt like great. i want to be able to get back to that without the vicodin. Ive exercised one time in the last 8 days. I have no energy. The mind is playing cruel tricks on me right now, and I have no idea how long I can take this.
I am glad I found this forum, it is helping to read your stories. I don't feel as alone as I did last week. I just hope I can stay clean until I start my new job. I hope!
thanks for listening
I got off Fentanyl back in July- toughest thing I have ever done in my life but started using the pills (first percs then a combination of oxy and percs) to "manage" my back pain. Being the addict and wanting to be wonderwomen started abusing them - yeah, yeah, big surprise huh? So here I am getting off the crap for the last time. I think in the last week I was using 80mg/day on average.
I have to say though this withdrawal is bad and very uncomfortable and sleep- what they heck is that? but nothing compared to Fent. So you would think it would be easier but for some reason is tougher mentally.
I have to say though this withdrawal is bad and very uncomfortable and sleep- what they heck is that? but nothing compared to Fent. So you would think it would be easier but for some reason is tougher mentally.
Never means never. Dont trick yourself. I know exactly what you mean being part of the world. It feels good. Not everyday. Thats life. Go get your life back. Secrets keep us sick...
And if I am really and truly honest with myself once I get clean if things don't change I don't know if I can stay with him. I love him with all my heart but I can't go on like this anymore. Sad, lonely and depressed. It would undermine my sobriety and I can't be good for anyone anymore in this state. It makes me sad to even write this but the truth is coming out now and I can't stuff it back in anymore. Oh, well onto another day.
How long were you clean? Maybe you won't have too bad wd from just taking the two if you can stop at just those and not take anymore.
I have talked to my husband about this before, even before the pills. He does understand and is willing to make the change. When I told him how I felt I made sure to make sure he knew that is was because of my love and the kids love for him. I told him that it was also not healthy for him to work so much and that he needed time to rest and do things that he enjoys. It really was not all about me and my needs. My husband does have the tendency to shy away from the hard stuff and its left to me to handle it but I am just too tried to do it all by myself anymore. That is one of the reasons I started abusing. Not the only reason but a big one. It is not his fault or anyone elses but mine but I really need to be honest with what I need to stay clean and I can't always be the strong one anymore. I am literally worn out and can't do it anymore. I wish I could- but that is what helped get me to this place in withdrawal hell. Trying to be superwomen and be everyone elses everything. Right now I feel dead inside and there is not much left to give so for me and our family to make it, things need to change in a big way.
PS I am trying to get him into counseling with me.
PS I am trying to get him into counseling with me.
Thanks for the support. I know deep down that my back pain is no longer a reason to use. I should be able to get by with my exercises and over the counter meds but it was my excuse for so long. It time now to get real. I miss who I was before all of this. I was apart of the world. Do you know what I mean? I was outgoing, I volunteered, had a very interesting and rewarding job, I was a mean boardgame player which my kids loved and all these things went to the wayside once I became a addict. I keep telling myself that to get these things back I can no longer use pain meds. I can not. So, here I go again. I guess the next step is to get support and to really open up to someone and let it all go.
Did you ever think that your husband might be working all the time because thats how he deals with things???? The same way you take pills to deal with your stuff and feel better. What if he gave you a time frame???? I dont know your situation, but it seems to me that yall need some family counseling. It looks like your children are loosing both of yall. You to the meds and daddy to work. For the sake of the kids yall need to come together and work it out. By the way, you are not a loser!!!!! This is gonna be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. Getting clean is the easy part, its staying clean that is the hard part. You might want to look into AA or NA or something like that. You are gonna do this!!!! Get your husband on board and together yall will be able to conquer anything!!!
Good Luck and God Bless
Lisa
Jacksonville,FL
Good Luck and God Bless
Lisa
Jacksonville,FL
I hope your man heard you too. Us guys are programmed from a young age to provide provide provide. Nobodys told us provide doesnt mean make money. We gotta learn that. Hell need your help with that.
Ive relapsed alot!!! I always got down on myself and felt like garbage. I promise myself to never give up. NEVER. When you fall get up and try again. I dont care if it takes you 100 times it will stick one of those times and thats all that matters. We all have messed up. Its not you, its the drug in control of you. The longer you can stay clean the less power the drug has on you. Thats why when we use even once after long periods of clean time it resets our minds. Not good. Your better off just not. Theres one thing in life you and me cant do. We cant take pain meds, ever. Ive tried the, only this one time deal. Ive done it to. Done it one night and didnt for weeks. Then I tried it just one more time and that lead to a 5 day bender and wds and all that crappy stuff. Its easier knowing I just cant ever take pain meds. Im ok with that. I have 16 days and feel really good. Yes, I get cravings. I know I cant so the cravings go away pretty quick. Dont beat yourself up. Look forward to your clean future Im proud of ya.
Ive relapsed alot!!! I always got down on myself and felt like garbage. I promise myself to never give up. NEVER. When you fall get up and try again. I dont care if it takes you 100 times it will stick one of those times and thats all that matters. We all have messed up. Its not you, its the drug in control of you. The longer you can stay clean the less power the drug has on you. Thats why when we use even once after long periods of clean time it resets our minds. Not good. Your better off just not. Theres one thing in life you and me cant do. We cant take pain meds, ever. Ive tried the, only this one time deal. Ive done it to. Done it one night and didnt for weeks. Then I tried it just one more time and that lead to a 5 day bender and wds and all that crappy stuff. Its easier knowing I just cant ever take pain meds. Im ok with that. I have 16 days and feel really good. Yes, I get cravings. I know I cant so the cravings go away pretty quick. Dont beat yourself up. Look forward to your clean future Im proud of ya.
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