I think I posted in the wrong area..detoxing from opiates

[Cathywantslifeback]

by Cathywantslifeback

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Cathywantslifeback
Female, 52 years
Lynn - MA
Member since Apr 2009
Mood: Cathywantslifeback and is scared

, 56 minutes ago
To: All
I am a 52 year old woman who has been fighting this painkiller addiction for 7 years ..off and on( mostly on!!).

I broke my ankle at 45, had surgery and was precribed Vicodin for 6 months. Intellectually I knew it was an addictive drug, but I was only taking them as prescribed and since I had never been addicted to any substance,I didn't think there would be a problem.
Then the Dr took me off of them on one visit..and the horrible journey began.
I spent the first year off them completely depressed...in bed 90 percent of the time. I was a happy middle class "soccer Mom" with a husband and four daughters but became a mess. I made an appointment with a therapist..only to find out she was a Nurse Pharmacologist who put me on four antidepresants and clonopin for anxiety.
I had been taking clonopin for years, prescribed by my family Dr for anxiety but they were used as needed. If I had to go someplace I knew I'd be anxious, I'd take one or two. The bottle would stay in my medicine cabinet for months..it wasn't a daily thing.

Each time I'd go to the nurse I'd tell her nothing was working..I was still mostly in bed so she'd up a prescription..change a medication, but nothing made a difference.
I finally went to my family doctor and told him nothing was working and I wanted off everything. I wanted my life back.
He put me on one antidepressant for anxiety and refilled my clonopin (which I had now started to abuse...trying to get the feeling I had gotten from the Vicodin.
Unfortunately at the same time I read an article in a magazine that told how you could buy almost anything on line with no prescription.
That's when this hell really started. I started buying Vics online (it was easy to do back then..the rules are far stricter now). I maxed out every credit card..then found COD sites. After spending bill money and not having enough cash for the COD sites..I started with street dealers. Anything to get my pills. I had to take more and more to feel anything and without them I couldn't function.
The job I loved and had been at for 7 years, where I was on the ladder up the company ended up giving me a final warning..no callouts or tardiness for the next 90 days or I would be fired. I knew I'd never make it 90 days so I resigned. (Better than getting fired right? Ha!!).
I could go on and on..but I'm sure most of you know where this story leads.
My husband was not supportive..didn't take away the bills from me..just treated me with disgust. He began to have an affair and two years ago after 25 years of marriage, left me for another woman. We lost our house..everything we had worked for was gone.
I am now living in an apartment ..I'm behind on the rent because every penny goes to vics..or percs..I'm not picky anymore. I did buy suboxone a couple of times and quit, but then it was back to bed with depression, so I'd start all over again.
There are clinics, but they all have huge waiting lists and private doctors who can prescribe suboxone only take cash..400 for the first visit and 150 each month afterwards. Plus I don't want to go on Suboxone..it's a narcotic...I have a friend who's been on it for three years now and "is still not ready to be weaned"
I'm getting a great tax refund..enough to buy a cheap car..get a job that pays better than minimum wage, catch up on rent and bills,but if I don't clean up now..you all know where that tax refund will go.
I've been reading the posts here and you all seem so understanding..you've been there and I'm ready for any help or advice you can give me.
Do I buy a couple of suboxone to get me through the worst few days of withdrawal?? Or am I just postponing the inevitable??
Three people in my life know..no one in my family..my daughters would be devastated.they think I'm doing great..I can't tell them.
I've started going to meetings even though I'm using..I feel so guilty but I know that has to be a part of it..forever probably.
I just need people I can talk to , be honest with, know what to expect.
I am seeing my doctor tomorrow..I want to be honest with him, but there isn't a lot he can do.
His concern is my abusing the clonopin too. I want to get off that as well, but that withdrawal isn't physical. I run out every month and can't leave my house..can't answer my phone..it's like I'm living in an alternate planet..afraid of everything, spacy, jumping at every noise...just petrified.
But that's another issue for another time.
Right now I need to kick this painkiller habit before I''ve lost everything..again.
I'd appreciate any advice..the best way to detox, what to expect as far as depression goes, how long the detox pains last..especially those leg aches. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough and I'll give in.
I'm ready..I have to be.I want a normal life..to spend my energy on living, not worrying.."do I have enough for a couple of days?? what if I run out?? where am i going to get the money..will someone cuff me some until I get my paycheck(which needs to go to rent and bills..I'm the sole provider for my 14 year old because my ex is unemployed.
I've considered suicide, but I can't do that to my family. I'm just so tired of this **** and the lying and the sneaking. I'm so done with it and I know so many of you have come through to the other side...Please help me figure out what to do.
Thank you for listening to my rambling. I really look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you,
Cathy

[merrymaria]

hello and welcome....your story is familiar with so many people here...no you don t choose to become addicted...somehow it just happens....it happened to me...it happens to the best of us...you are in the right place here...so helpful...we ll get you through it...you can do it....i did the ct...it s not for everyone but why prolong the misery i thought.  sub..i do not know alot about but others do.  if you need more help please ask me or others...good luck on your journey to clean..bright life....maria

[outotown]

You have come to the right place, and it sounds as if you know what is best for you. You have to hit bottom before you can start back up and you sound as if you have now the only place to go is up but take the time to stop on your knees and ask God for help> I will be thinking of you offten good luck and may God Bless You!!!

[worried878]

u r in the right place..and quitting is a good idea for anyone who doesnt need the narcs or who is abusing them...it was nice that u took responsibility tho/for ur addiction as so many do not..."the doctor did it to me" and do not take the stance that they are a literate adult and really knew better...u will make it to cleandom cos u know who did this to u/u did/so then u have the power to undo this/for u...good luck and lots of support here

[j34]

Hello Yes you can recover from this just as I have.Me I had to do it through Narcotics Anonymous. Lots of people do it on their own but I have found that being around others who have the same disease as me has changed my life.

I started going to the meetings and kept getting loaded and then yet again I thought to myself there must be something totally wrong with me and then i found out that I am an addict I have a disease that is progressive,incurable and deadly without help it is to much for me. I had to find another way to live. SO I went back to Na and mind you with totally different attitude. This time I listened and took the suggestions from other members who were working a program of recovery I wanted what they had so I became Honest, open minded and willing to do ANYTHING they suggested. I went to  90 meetings in 90 days, I got a sponsor(I love her today)got a home group ,started reading the books,hooked in with other woman,worked the steps with my sponsor and here is where it gets good this is when I started growing and the obsession to use drugs was lifted from me WHAT A RELIEF.!!! I did it one day at a time and sometimes one second at a time I phoned those woman like they were my lifeline which of course they were and still are today.I have 9 months clean and sober which I never thought was possible and here I am telling you it is true ,I am most of the time happy, that big pit has gone from my chest and most important I don't have the cravings to use anymore when things go wrong I have a different solution to work them out not to use drugs but to use my support group!! What a beautiful life Cathy I wish the same for you l have felt hopelessness ,despair,and thought I what to die,not anymore

[boogieman]

hi there and welcome. you at least sound willing to do whatever it takes to get off these things, and that's a lot. meetings are good, clean and sober or not. i sure wasn't at a lot of the first meetings i went to, but i still sensed that i was in the right place after a while. you know what you stand to lose, here are some things you stand to gain by going to any length to get help: new or improved trust, respect and friendship from others, emotional and financial security, the removal of the guilt and fear that tend to dominate our lives, a life beyond your greatest expectations. as far as practical, immediate detox advice, there are a lot of success stories on here and i'd check out the thomas recipe and amino acid info at bottom right of the forum page. additionally, make sure your doctor(s) know what you are trying to do---this can help you to remain honest as well as give you access to meds you may want to use short and/or long term, especially to combat anxiety and depression (i'm on both kinds). keep posting and take care,  gm