IM ASHAMED....RELAPSED AFTER 1yr CLEAN FROM LORTAB

[Shyleesdad]

In 2008, I was prescribed LORTABI to keep me out of pain in my knee for 3 months before scheduled surgery. Needless to say, I became an addict for 2 1/2 years - finding any way possible to acquire my drug, including lying to doctors, friends and family, among other things. I quit cold turkey from taking about a dozen 10/500 hydrocodones a day. Yeah, the physical withdrawals were gone in about 4 or 5 days, but the emotional part of it, or PAWS (Post Accute Withdrawal Syndrome), never fully went away, but after a year with the right support, medication and confidence, I started feeling a difference around month 10. I was proud of myself and so were all the ones that stuck by me. Week 13 came along, March 2012, and I visited my mothers house, who herself is 68-years-old and serious pain issues and scheduled surgeries in so many parts of her body. By the way, I am a 37-year-old male with a beautiful wife, two beautiful children whom I love so much, and a job where I am definitely not rich, but earn enough to give my family the life they deserve. Anyway, at my mothers house, I helped her get out of bed and after she left her room, her side drawer I noticed, was partially open and I could make out a few bottles of meds. I quickly looked through each one, finally finding the one that the addict I am was looking for; 7.5/500 hydrocodone...WOW! (you know that feeling? Better than finding a stack of hundred dollar bills). I opened it. There weren't much that I could take and wouldn't have been noticeable, but I think I got away with about 7 pills. I spent that day with the family, and it was great! A rebirth again, no more anxiety and the energy of a hungry cheetah. I felt like every minute of the rest of my life was worth waiting for. By the time the next day came along, I woke up with no pills, but still happy, convincing myself that it was like having a couple of drinks at a party and that I learned how to control it. Today has been about 2 1/2 months and I'm up to about 12 pills of 10/500 a day already, but the effect of the drug is almost completely gone and I just take them to function. Last weekend, I went through 2 days of withrawal while waiting for Monday to get my refill, and even after such a short amount of time, it even felt more intense, which seemed unusual. The point is, I am soooooo angry, ashamed and unforgiving to myself for causing this harm to my family and worried about what to do next. Yes, my family around me were at first very angry and disappointed with me, but they finally decided to give some moral support. I still haven't forgiven myself. I try weening off each day with the help of my wife. She hides the bottle and gives me 6 pills a day and will gradually reduce it by 1 pill each week. The problem is that I haven't told my wife that I took a few pills out and hid them in the car too. This is her second time dealing with me and I don't think she will take a lie like that right now.  Anyway, I was supposed to go to a Methadone Treatment Center today at 5am. But after reading how it's not designed for hydrocodone withrawals, but more for heroin. Is it true? I don't want to get yoked. What to do?

[Shyleesdad]

First off, I want to correct the last couple of sentences at the end of my post. I was falling asleep while writing and it loses a lot of sense. "I don't want to get yoked." I was trying to say 'caught.' Second, thanks for all the responses. It's good to know that you're not the only one struggling. I have since gave my secret stash to my wife and am at 5 pills a day. It's not a picnic is all I can say for now, but it sure beats a full-blown withdrawal. It's still hard to accept the fact that just a couple of months ago, I was completely clean...but it is what it is. I also learned that my neighbor, who has a lot in common with me, has been going through the same thing as I, so we share a lot of our experiences. Anyway, thanks again and keep em coming'.

[LostNoMore]

Hello. I can empathize with your situation. It's eerie how much. I too have a mother with pain issues and she takes hydro 7.5. She always has a huge bottle. It's been my downfall. She lives 2000 miles from me, so for years I would visit her and "borrow" her pills, not enough to notice, or so I thought.
This pattern went on for years, even while I was "sober" (NOT) in AA and
not using pills at home. Long story short, last year I had back problems and immediately went to the doctor and asked for vicodin and soma. I got it. I continued using it after the back issues went away, milking the script as long as possible and then finding a street source to continue the addiction. I was up to 60-80 mgs a day, plus some benzos, and alcohol...a deadly combo.
I finally hit bottom in January 2012. I was taking the pills to function, just like you. The high was long gone. I had to have them just to not feel sick, and honestly I still felt pretty darn bad anyway. I quit CT 4 months ago.I'm still dealing with the mental WDs, but I don't do it alone. I have relied on support groups (NA/AA) to keep me clean and sane. I have a new set of tools to use to deal with life. I've had some monster problems to deal with. I pretty much puked all over my life in 2011. The wreckage of that year is what I have to deal with today. It would be completely overwhelming if I didn't have help. I cannot do this by myself. I strongly encourage you to find some sort of aftercare and get plugged in. An addict trying to stay clean with no help is a ticking time bomb, in my opinion. I hope this helps. You're not alone. Take care.

[dominosarah]

Please do your homework on Methadone.  That isnt a magic pill by any means.  Getting to the root of the problem is what needs to be done here.  Using is just a symptom of addiction.  I hope you will get honest with your wife and tell her you have a secret stash.  Talk to her about the mental part of this.  Our secrets keep us sick.  Try and focus on the good things that happen once we are clean.  Beating yourself up only brings out the negative.  You can do this so dig deep and fight with everything you have~~sara

[rumtumtiger]

Overcoming any addiction is extremely hard. PLEASE donot get down on yourself for relapsing. It's good to notice that what you did was wrong. But, in my experience if the guilt gets the better of me I end up binging and back to the point I was I or worse than when I was using. Discovery Health has an episode on Methadone (Im pegnant and on Methadone), if you are looking to see what life is like. Taper down and try to get some couseling from a rehab couselor. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do..but once you complete it you will feel so much better. I finally recovered from alcohol and cociane. I take loratabs..but struggle with other pills...So, I wish you the best!!! Tapper down is the best option!

[smiles4eva]

Congrats on a year!  Forgive yourself and try not to beat yourslelf up, it doesn't help anything.  It
sounds like you have a tapering plan and you are lucky to have the help of your wife.  
Consider it a lesson learned, you will never be in control.  Flush the pills you hid from your wife, it will be very empowering.
Keep posting, you can do this!

[wransomejr]

Methadone isn't the answer. One addiction for another and I hear just as hard to shake. I am you. I was addicted to Tramadol, used for over two years. The detox from that is in my opinion harder that hydros, so after a couple of months clean time and tired of the depression and a break-up I started Hydros (I had a short bout with them before Tramadol). I got up to 8 to 10 10/500's and used for a year before being called on it by my Mom. She helped me do a quick taper down to three a day and as I was in w/d anyway I went cold turkey. Now day 11. I'm not saying everything is rosy. I have the same issues everyone else on here has. However I work hard to stay positive and distracted. When not at work I do something constructive. I try not to sit idle - I try to read. I've discovered my mother's library of romance novels. Some of them are very good. I am single, so that may make things easier. But it would be lovely to have the support of a spouse. I wish you well.

[IBKleen]

Hi & Welcome,

Sorry your post was over-looked. You posted at the wee hours of the morning and many members are sleeping at this time.

While relapse is never a requirement, if you have learned from your experience and you carry that knowledge froward as a tool then it may not have been for nothing.

What I found for myself was that I had to get outside help for my addiction in order to stay clean. I had to change my thinking and my behavior and I had to get to the root of my issues. Drugs were the tools I used to get to a place where I THOUGHT I was functioning and was being accepted by others. It took me many relapses and lots of hard work to find that I was the problem and I needed the fixing. I did that through outside support groups and counseling. It didn't happen overnight and I continue to work on the issues everyday. It takes time and dedication and there are days when I want to throw in the towel. But in the long run it has kept me clean for a little bit now. No matter what happens I just don't use. I only have to get through one day at a time and in the scheme of things that's not too bad.

As far as Methadone goes, I think it is not a good idea. You will likely be replacing one drug with another and if you think the pills were hard to come off of, you ain't seen nothing yet. Methadone is a long, hard, and debilitating withdrawal and recovery.

Get honest with your wife and stay on the taper plan. You can wean yourself off and please follow through on getting YOU well.

I am glad you found your way here and hope you stick around. There is great support here. Any questions you may have, fire away. I wish you the best!