I'm Really Scared To Even Post This!

[loveandlight05]

OK. This will be long, but I need to get it all out there. I need to talk to someone. All I ask is that you do not judge me. I am not a horrible person, but I am an addict.

For as long as I can remember now, I have been addicted to pain medicine. Hydrocone is my DOC. However, being on hydrocodone gave me a burst of energy every day which did not allow me to sleep, so I started using Ambien. Then, of course, because I am an addict, I started abusing the Ambien, too. I was obtaining the hydro prescriptions mainly from the same doctor although I was getting the Ambien from several doctors.

Two weeks ago, I was arrested for doctor shopping. I am a teacher, so the arrest in and of itself has pretty much ended my career. For now, I have not been fired from my current position even though I told them about the arrest the next day. But I am just kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop there.

I have never felt more depressed in my life. I never considered myself a person who would contemplate suicide, but the day I was arrested, I understood why people kill themselves. It is almost too much to bear. I have two children. They are about to be one year old. That is when I started using again: after they were born. The hospital gave me percocette, and when I took them home, I just kept thinking that I wanted to have that warm and fuzzy feeling the hydro gave me, so I just kept taking them. Then, I went back to this one doctor who will basically keep the hydro coming whenever you want, and the rest is history. The Ambien was more tricky because I had to call multiple docs that I had seen in the past to get that, but many of them would just call it in. My husband takes night duty with the kids, and because I was so high on hydro I couldn't sleep at all, I would take several Ambien to get to sleep before work the next day. I just spiraled out of control. I can't tell you why. I don't know why other than that I am an addict.

So last week I realized I had hit my bottom. I knew that if I didn't check myself into treatment that I would die or do something to hurt my criminal case like filling the Ambien that is at the pharmacy from one of my many doctors. I was about to break. I looked at my children and knew that I needed some serious help to me the mother to them that they deserve. I went to an outpatient rehab so that I could still continue taking care of my children. I felt so proud of myself for taking this step. I know it was the right thing to do. Right now, I don't care or know if it will help my court case. What I know is that they are keeping me alive, and I am not currently feeling suicidal or like I need to use drugs. I go to meetings and meet with the physicians. I am doing my best to begin what will be a recovery that will last a life time. I am committed to this. I want this.

Here is the issue. The rehab detoxed me over the past five days. I would go in each day, get my medicine, and attend my meetings. Everything has gone well so far. Today, since they are not open on the weekend and my detox is over, the doctor wrote me prescriptions for several medicines to take home until my next appointment with him after the weekend. Of those prescriptions, one was for suboxone. He has me on a low does once daily. He knows that I have been arrested for doctor shopping and that pharmacies may have an issue filling this prescription. I reminded him of this before I left today, and he told me to have the pharmacist call him if there was an issue.

I must stress to you that at this point, the suboxone is the only think keeping me sane. I am fully aware that it is a short term treatment to a long term addiction, but with everything going on right now, the doctor and I both agree that it is best that I remain on the suboxone for a while to keep me mentally stable.

When I went to pick up the prescription, the pharmacist told me that although she filled this prescription, she will never fill another one for me because I have been flagged by the DPS. I explained the situation to her. I told her that I had informed my rehab doctor of what I have done. She said she didn't care, she wasn't filling another controlled substance for me because I am red flagged. She said I needed to find one pharmacy and stay there. I told her that was my intention because the rehab facility had given me a list of pharmacies to choose from. They were 98% this specific chain of pharmacies because the rehab said they were one of the only ones in my area that had suboxone. She had this look of disgust on her face. She said that she would have to talk to the clinic then because she doesn't want them sending a bunch of suboxone users to her pharmacy. I got my prescriptions, left, and felt like crying.

My question is this: If my doctor chooses to keep me on suboxone, and I am red flagged by DPS, how will I ever be able to fill the prescription? I just want to be OK for my kids. I know people have their opinions about suboxone, but it is helping me deal right now, and I have a lot to deal with. I am thinking that I should just ask my doctor what to do on Tuesday when I see him again. Please, please, please, before you respond, just know that I am in a world of emotional trauma and pain right now. I need support. Please do not say anything mean to me. I already know what a bad person and addict I am. I already know that I have basically ruined my life. I am just trying to get some advice and support to move forward and fix this. I love my children more than anything in this world, and I want to me the mommy they deserve and need. Right now, the suboxone is saving my life. So what should I do if I can't have it filled anywhere?

[lulu747]

Oh my sweet girl your post made me cry!
As others have stated above you ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.
I want you to say this aloud to yourself
I am not a bad person
I am not a bad person
I am not a bad person
I am an addict who has made poor choices while sick in active addiction.
You are doing everything you can to get well and that is both brave and commendable.  Please take pride in that.  Many do not.
Yes you hit bottom, but you are doing EVERYTHING you can to get well.  And so you will.
90 meetings in 90 days.
Make your rehab doc call the pharmacy and stick to that pharmacy.  Do NOT stay on suboxone long.  It is, like you said, a way to get you stable while you begin the real work of recovery which is counseling, group therapy, and may I suggest Cognitive Behavioural Therapy because it helped me change my thinking and therefore my behaviour IMMENSELY.
You are not alone.
I am so very sorry that your husband left you alone to detox with your babies.  That must have been terrifying.  I can't even imagine.  When I detoxed I had a family member with me at all times and I was still terrified.
You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for, and on the other side of this there is LIGHT.
You will get there.
Just keep up the work on your recovery.  It must be and remain your number one priority.
The way to true healing is through forgiveness and compassion for one's self.  So be gentle with yourself okay?
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.
I tried to be perfect for everyone my whole life.  It made me very sick and in the end, addicted to numbing out my feelings of failure.
I confronted myself in therapy and group and I accepted that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect for anyone.
But I am perfect just the way I am.
Self love goes a lot further than self flagellation.
You are not alone.
Please keep posting...
Lu

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

wvmama, it isn't just mama's it is women in general.  We are raised to be the caretakers, the do-it-all's.  Even my husband for years put me on a pedestal telling everyone that he leaves it all up to me because I can do it.  He never realized until I told him that he put me under a ton of pressure and that because of what he told everyone I felt like I had to be perfect, I had to solve every problem...etc.  Now I'm trying to relearn that behavior, if I don't feel like sweeping and mopping well hubby can do it if it bothers him that much or it can wait until tomorrow.  Relearning this behavior isn't easy but I gotta say I'm starting to like it.  I'm starting to like putting myself first sometimes...because, as the doctor says, if I don't learn to do that all I'm going to do is put myself in an early grave.
  Now for the mama's...same problem but even harder on a Mom because she not only has to be everything for her hubby and kids, parents, teachers, other children and many others expect that perfection and it is totally unrealistic.
  Wvmama....try to unlean the behavior....before you end up in the hospital.  xox

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I just thought of something.  Earlier you said you had an Ambien prescription sitting at another pharmacy.  All the pharmacies are able to access via computer what prescriptions have been filled or are waiting to be picked up elsewhere.  That "might" be why the pharmacist was such a b****.  Make sure that you call other pharmacies that are holding prescriptions for you so you can tell them to pull them and to not fill them for you anymore.

The pharmacist you saw might have thought you were going to pick up the non-addictive sleep aid from her and then go try to pick up the Ambien.  This does NOT excuse her behavior but it might explain it.

Tomorrow make sure that all scrips like that have been pulled off the shelves...just to be safe :-)

Hope that made sense but if it didn't feel free to PM me.  I will be home tomorrow afternoon.

Here is a Huge hug from me to you and some kitty purrs from my two little fuzzy boys (prrurrrrrrrrrrr prurrrrrrrrrrrr)

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Did you search for that link "you never have to use again".  If you haven't please do read it.  Just cut and paste it into the search bar...I think you will feel a sense of relief and also a sense of hope if you do.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Hun, you are not responsible for the demise of your marriage (if it does not survive).  It takes two to tango ya know?  Yes, you are at fault because of the lies, etc....but he also is at fault.  When did the vow "for better for worse" change?  I don't recall that it says "for better or worse unless I change my mind".

I have been on both sides of the coin...I am the children of a violent alcoholic and I am an adult addict so I see both sides.  I don't expect your husband to enable you but I do expect him, out of love, to support you during this horrible time unless you do something else to break trust.  I do expect you to be honest with him from now on.  Do you see what I'm saying?  BOTH sides have messed up here.

For now though you have to focus on you....you don't want to lose your children.  After your legal stuff is done, you are clean, you have access to your children...that's the time when you can decide, with the help of meetings, counselors and sponsors that you can talk to, whether or not you want this marriage.  You have enough on your plate for the moment.

I said earlier that you were in my prayers...you really are.  I truly believe in the power of prayer and in miracles.  Twelve years ago if you'd asked me if I believed in those things I would have said no.  For now, ask your friends who know about the situation and who are supportive, to pray for you.  That is one of the best things they could do for you right now.

xox

[jifmoc]

Listen girl, just stay focused. Bettergetbetter said it: 90 mtg in 90 days and all the other stuff can wait. You are thinking about too many issues right now. Just DO what people w/ clean time suggest to you; here and in meetings.