I'm back, I slipped, and I need you guys

[Magdolna]

I don't think my last novel posted.  I was on here a week ago and had five days clean from roxy.  Well, I relapsed.  I have gone through 40 Roxy 15.  I really want to quit.  I am 34, a singe mom, educated with no job and living with Mommy and Daddy.  I'm too old for this.  I have been researching quitting today. I have one Roxy left.  I was thinking to get some Norco and starting a taper so this wasn't so Hellish this time around.  I live in a toxic environment.  My parents are very hard on me and always have been despite many successes until I started abusing pills at 28 to medicate myself for depression. I just never felt like I was enough.  Looking back I realize that I was awesome and I didn't realize my worth.  Whenever my parents say something critical to me my first go to is a pill or two or three or four.  I want to quit so badly.  I know that many doors will reopen in my life if I do.  What do you guys think about doing the taper?  I have the willpower to do it.  Sorry that I take and take from you guys but when I'm well I will be able to contribute with advice too.  Thank you in advance if you respond.

[Magdolna]

I really want to take the suggestion of going to meetings.  I can quit but if I don't get some kind of support after this sickness goes away then I'm afraid I will think, "Well, I did it!  Now let me celebrate with JUST one pill."  Starting next week I'm going to try and go to 90 meetings in 90 days.  Why do they suggest that anyway?  What is the significance of the 90 day thing?

[Jerry198]

Don't expect to much right off the bat.. just do what you can and let the rest slide. do you have any plan for getting clean or are you just going to wing it?

[Magdolna]

Thank you all for commenting.  Today is the first day and I 'm deeply depressed. It's 2:30p.m and I'm still lying around and have accomplished nothing.  I have zero energy.  I really want to force myself to get up, go wash, get dressed, and put some makeup on.  Then I want to study for a test I have to take and go grocery shopping.  I will really try to force myself to do this....not now, but in a few minutes (which has been my line all day).  All I want to do is just take something to make me a little happy.  I hope my natural ability to be happy comes back at least one day in the future.  If I know this then I can feel as if I'm not doing this all in vain.  

[Jerry198]

The taper is a hard one most of all if you are an ADDICT so my advice is take what you have when ever you feel is the right time then suck it up for the next week get some quick fix food for the kids some vitamins for yourself stay hydrated hit the shower when all else fails and come this time next week you will feel as if you are making that difference that you are craving.  The pills are a joke they don't make us anything but that we are not naturally we are all great with small issues that the pills only compound if you need them for  a pain issues that's fine but if your an addict that's what this site is for so stick around an we can help you.

[dominosarah]

Try not to fear the wd's as this is our bodies way of getting rid of the toxins.  We have numbed ourselves up for a long time and it takes a bit to get everything working again.  During this time force yourself to get up and move around.  That will help with your natural endorphins.  If depression has always been an issue talk with your doctor.  There are many AD meds out there that are non narcotic.  You can do this and get your life back~

[VICourageous]

Hit some of those Meetings..You will pick up so much info on all of this that you are talking about. The Mind-altering drugs do just that..The Neural Chems in the brain get all whacked out. Also while it is healing or balancing back it will send false signals to the Body. YOU just have to hold onto the Faith and with Faith comes more Experience, by experience you will have more Hope for the future in Recovery. This Disease is a very SERIOUS one and it takes working on to change. Nothing changes if nothing changes.. and know it will take TIME for all of this to balance back mentally, physically and spiritually.. It took me yrs to come around up-stairs in the Brain. Even today, almost 3 yrs later I still have things I work on, on a daily basis. Lots of Changes and Lots of Work to stay clean. If you feed that Pleasure part of the Brain just once, it will remember and off you go up & up..Also, the tolerance builds up so fast and you are still detoxing the opiates from those receptors. A clean Clear head sustaining from all drugs is the only way you will know the true you. I had 10m in and tried those AD meds and all they did was flat line me. (I stopped).  I had lost most of my Family when I had 18m in and I had to UP my Support in my real life and stick close to the site. Then a few months later 2 heart procedures..SO what I am saying is that we can deal with life on it's own terms so much better clean & sober if we give it TIME!!!  The detox Time varies from people to people do to age and how many yrs of using and so forth. SO..Just stay in the moment and try to keep yourself re-directed from your thinking. Read a passage from the good book or any book that has some kind of meditation type words from the lord. Just take a deep breath for today and it all will lay out right in front of you, as the months and yrs go bye. I wish you the best and try to be happy that you took your Life back!!!!
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