Im so scared

[WantARealLife85]

I'm not gonna lie to ne1 on here I came here looking for how much kilonopin I needed to mix with wat methadone I might still get in order to fall asleep for good cuz I'm so scared of what's about to happen....

Been on methadone bout 5 yrs steady not messed up 99 mlgs for past 3 yrs til bput month ago I started weinin( I live in Sacramento n don't qualify for media Cal at 27 so I'm forced to pay $285 a month) I got down to 75 in like just under 2 mos n want to continue to taper BUT I'm out of money bad leg and shattered my heels bout 3 years ago and outta money living at home with mom who already makes me feel icky just when she looks at me so I hide away... now I'm outta money n ways to make it n am not gonna steal have n have NO coming in to pay fees.... I'm barely at a steady 75 mgs still having bad Mornings... and they are gonna put me on a 21 day detox(10% of my dose every 2 days til 21 pass) nobody understands in my family that I try to talk to so now all I wanna do is end it before this HORRIBLE 25% of pain Im feeling from wein already turns into 150% unlivable pain in a couple weeks.... I keep saying I need to just get 3 more months to wein and then they can put me on 21 day but I'm outta money can't make any and they want $285 a month but I don't have the money nor way to make it nor the family to pull together n help me thru this rough time.... I'm shaking scared and there is no way to prepare myself I mean I am terrified I need more time to we in..... idk this isn't even me to come to this place n write this but I saw no stories like ,one where there hand was being forced into withdrawals... I'm scared and now I'm gonna lay in bed for a month unable to move according to one guy n I believe it... of course the phyciatrist there gave me kilonopin for my anxiety like 2 months ago so now I got that addiction too and I haven't been high in idk even how long..... I don't wanna end up in emergency room with them saying there nothing they can do but try an find a state bed for ya.... it all honestly doesn't seem worth it nor do I deserve it I've been doin nothing wrong not goin n getting high so that makes it even harder to accept... if anyone out there can give me he ideas or words of wisdom that understand where I'm at or even California laws n ways around gettin on media Cal for sure please let me know.... this starts this Tuesday and I'm terrified sitting in room just idk I don't think I can do it.... IM SO SCARED AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS AND THE STIGMA PEOPLE PUT ON U FOR BEIN ON IT UGH IDK LET ME KNOW NE1......

[ToEffenSick]

Please don't say you want to end it!!!!!! PLEASE!!!! It's not hopeless!!!! I don't have an answer for you but your life is worth it!!!! It will be ok.  Please wait for one of the experts to come on!!!! Please don't do anything rash!!!!!!!!!  Every life is worth living!!!  We are stronger than we think!!! I was a mess myself but pulled through.  It seems hopeless now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I promise you that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[VICourageous]

OK, Now calm down..I am not sure where you are coming from?? But I will tell you that I have over 12 years with the Methadone and the Klons. I was getting my Dones prescribed in 10mgs. They did not cost a whole lot. I would buy the adderral from the streets and snort those two together, then I would do the Klons at night to come down..OK, The reason I am telling you this is because I got myself Down to about 30-60mg off and on..I did go c/t from it all. It was a bit different then detoxing from the hydo/oxys..But if you want off it can be done.OR You can find a Dr that goes buy you scale of income and let them know you want a taper plan..Alot of Dr will help you taper. If and When you decide you would like off then we have a whole bunch of us that have been through this and we will be here to help you understand each stage that you might experience..Trust me, letting go of this awful beast of a Drug that is so so so Synthetic can be and will be the best choice you have ever made..I wish you the best on whatever you decide to do..
Bless

[ariley13]

Please hang on! I don't have any experience with methadone, but there are a bunch of folks on this site that do. It's a little slow around here right now. If you don't get an answer tonight, someone will be along in the morning to help you out. Please stay strong, and if you are seriously thinking of harming yourself tell a loved one, or call 911. Nothing is worth harming yourself. You will find a way to make it through this. We are here for you.

[glamisgirl]

Wait , hold up, don't do anything crazy. It seems hopeless but its not. Its hard but it can be done. I don't know anythibg about methadone but there are great people on here that do. I'm sure they will be around on here in no time. People are in and out on here all the time. I'm sure there will be great advice and words of encouragement coming your way shortly. Hang in there, you've found a great site where people will encourage and support you and somewhere you can say what you feel with out judgement.

[VICourageous]

OH Ya Hun, do not give up..Did not catch that..Stay with us we are here..WE DO UNDERSTAND and can help you out a bit..ALSO Do tell your FAMILY or DR..OK..ASAP!!!!!

[weaver71]

You may not believe me, but I have felt every single thing you posted. I was taking up to 250mgs Mdone and almost ended a few times. There is always hope, even if you don't feel it, it's there. I won't give you the recipe you asked for, but I WILL do anything to explain how I made it from where you are to actually loving myself. I know you want to be free, accept it is possible, detox will not kill you if you have no other health issues. It will feel like it, but you get back the rest of your life. People will trust you, you will trust yourself. The 21 day taper will help, not ideal, but you get your whole life back. Think about. I had to trust the people hear. I did not think I would heal or it would be worth it. I was wrong, they where right. Take a leap of faith, isn't that what posting online was? You can do it, believe it, you don't need to feel it. Keep posting and know you are not alone.

[VICourageous]

Yes, see we are here..Weaver helped save my Bottom toward my Recovery..We have been here and there..Ok! Be Safe!
Bless

[WantARealLife85]

Thank you so much for taking time to respond its just the coming storm knowing its right there that is so scary....my 21 day detox starts on Tuesday which will be a 10% drop every 2 days from the 75 I managed to wein to in less than 2 months just ran outta money cuz no possibilities to make any to continue even quick wein I had been doin  and don't cover for state coverage cuz of age n no kid or family who cares so ya and the phyciatrist hooked me on 120 1 mg kilonopin about 2 most ago n will lose her too so will end up goin thru that detox at same time most likely which I heard u can die from Benz withdraws ESP when already goin thru methadone withdraws.... I'm just really scared and there's nothing I can do to fix it but let it come cuz I got no friends n family don't care..... I'm terrified n havent even been high in yrs thought I was doin right thing any other time it was a couple months n I went thru it cuz I knew wat I had been doin messin with oxys was wrong n deserved a week of hell but I been being a non high person yet am gonna go thru withdraws 10 times worse then any from past and won't be able to move or sleep or eat for weeks not one week weeks maybe a month from what most methadone withdrawal addicts have said it ten times worse then heroine... idk I'm freaking out and scared as hell ESP cuz I'm gonna run outta benzos at same time.... sorry so long wanted to explain myself completely cuz everyone talks bout ya.... but ya its coming n its gonna be hard....

[WantARealLife85]

Thanks for support man...

[WantARealLife85]

Thanks for all support everyone it means a lot it really does

[Heather8448]

you have us :)

[Heather8448]

I am on day 25 and most the bad part passed a week or more ago..I am back to working 12 hour days today is day 3 of 5 just pray a lot is mental...a lot physical but know WE have faith in YOU, you just need to find the FAITH in yourself!!

[toothfairie]

do you have enough benzos to taper off those?  it would be better to taper those too.

[digger1976]

You need to really calm yourself down, yes this will be difficult and probs the hardest thing you've had to do but its far from impossible. You got this, if you have no choice that's it, you have no choice but getting yourself really stressed out isn't going to help you any. I know your sitting there saying "oh yew so effin easy for you to say", I have been locked in caravans, bedrooms, jail everywhere throughout my live and I can tell you anythings possible if you can get your head ready for it. The benzo's, if you try and stop quicker than the methadone, the methadone will help pull you through it, if I was going to lose both scripts that's what I would do anyway. hope someone corrects me if I'm wrong. Yes the morning feel the worst but that's not the end of the world, you can do this and you will be so happy for going through it. Not being tied to the Dr, always having to be close to pharmacy's, always worrying/stressing about the day you might run out and all the money you've wasted. You will be happy, be able to look people in the eye and yes smiling, remember when you used to smile all the time in the past, that's on its way back my friend, so don't stress yourself out, this is the begging of the rest of your live, grab it with both hands and don't let go...We will guide you through it and help in anyway we can..Wishing you all the luck in the world my friend..

[clean_in_ks]

GREAT post, Dig~

[Bon133]

Im also new to this site. And I, like so many of your new friends here, have also been exactly where you are. Words are easy. Its easy for me to tell you "you'll make it through this". But I know how your fears are tearing you apart now.
The worst possible thing you could do is let your addiction win the best of you. And giving up is giving in. I sense a much stronger person behind your fears. A person who wants to live again.
Whatever you do in these coming days, no matter how hard it gets, how much it hurts, DO NOT GIVE UP. There is simply too much to live for.
Be strong and remember, there are people here, right here, waiting to hear from you. Wanting to help....believing in you. Even when you cant believe in yourself.

[weaver71]

Digger reminded me of the first time I realized I was looking in the cashiers eyes and cracked a joke. I walked out of the gas station with big ole smile. I was offered a job and I was told I had to take a drug test. I lifted my head, looked them in the eyes and said, 'No Problem!' You will be free to chose again, you have a lot of life left my friend. "Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there." You have a lot to look forward to. I truly believe that. Thanks for hangin with us. You fit right in.

[toothfairie]

"Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there"....LOVE this Weaver!!  

[digger1976]

Love that story Weaver, glad I could remind you of it. Yup we all have a lot to live for, truly. Great quote too, ;)

[hmf099]

I was on methadone. I once had to stop cold turkey from 80mg's because I went on a trip and came back a few days late, had to see the dr before I could dose again....who was out for the rest of week! Thursday-Monday was awful! But I made it! I was then able to go on a lower dose (60mgs) when he got back. I know this wean seems terrible now, but we often make things more terrible in our mind than they turn out to be. PLEASE Don't do anything rash and call 911 if you think you'll hurt yourself! Maybe someone else can help you more and you'll figure something out! Good luck and keep us posted on how you're doing!

[WantARealLife85]

U guys are all saying such nice stuff means a lot I don't know how well I'll be able to hold and use tablet once this starts to keep posted but this really does all mean so much..... and I'll want the support so I'll find a way too.... I need u kind of people my mother whom I'm stuck living with won't understand and makes it worse n makes me feel so horrible... I am so scared and no thins happening yet but oh man... I've already got digestive system all outta whack from not eating from stress n I know how bad that makes it... aaah its all so scary I'm just freaking out a few of u made me tear up thank u....

[VICourageous]

Hi Again, OK what I did for my Hub and Family is I got some videos on "The Disease of Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway"  Beyond Willpower. There is a lot of info out here about this Disease. This way you can get Support going from you Family..Also they will give you help and time to Heal. There is many reason why we can get out of control and if you can learn all you can about Addiction they or you will see it more in a Scientific or Medical way. You need to just calm down and maybe try to get off the methadone first and then Taper slowly from the Klons..I would sure try to see a DR so they can help set up a taper plan..OK. We are here so stay with us for Support too!
Bless

[ariley13]

Your mom will probably come around. Sometimes our loved ones just have to see us actually doing it. Saying we are going to does nothing for them because they've more than likely heard it all. Just do this for you, and give your mother time. We are here for you any time you need us. Plan to go to NA/AA meetings. They can be a great place to find new sober friends. Sarah, our community leader always says you have to change your playmates and your playground. SOOO true!!

[WantARealLife85]

Like in Spartacus b4 he fights theocoles bringer of death and undefeated monster of the arena that black cloud rolls in n its above my head n I either fight him or let him kill me... I need to be Spartacus n slay theocoles n become bringer of rain... "basically a man that can do the impossible" I need to do this... and I need my tom petty won't back down song too.... u guys r giving me hope.... just hope its enough... starts tomorrow.... let's do this theocoles its u or me n my life needs the rain to fall... I love rain btw.... lol