Impending Relapse? Hiskidd

[hiskidd]

Wow guys. Today is officially day 20, and it's the worst (one of the) nights of pain I've had. It's almost 3am. I can't sleep even with a sleep aid. My diagnosis a year ago was Degenerative Disc Disease. They couldn't see enough to do surgery, but I got the oortizone shot (epidrual), the MRI, and the oxy.

Tonight had me doing some serious thinking about quality of life. I looked at so many pictures taken this past year on my phone. So many happy pictures of my kids. Of me and my family doing life. It got me thinking "What/am I addicted or JUST physically dependent." And if it's JUST (caps cuz it sounds like justification) physical dependence, should I say "so what?" in order to go back to my 45 mgs a day?

I've read stuff tonight (some on this forum) from people who say Europe has a way of doing 3 weeks on the drug/s then 1 week off to help offset the usage. I read that if you're in pain all day all the time then oxy is probably "right" for you, but not if you're going to have a dentist visit or something that will go away.

I just don't know. There's enough horror stories out there about back surgeries too, that I'd hate to leave April and 4 kids with me totally incompacitated.

I guess my question is, am I just rationallizing now? Am I close enough to work and school that I can't imagine pain all day every day. I had some "good" days, but I also just laid around. I'm really afraid I won't make it past Tuesday without trying to see my doctor about a prescription. Gonna try to sleep again. I do love you guys. Just not sure what to do????

in HIm,

David

[gnarly_1]

Hey David I for 1 am proud of you for not having that scripted called in you need to go 1 step farther and get it canceled for good it never good to have pills a phone call away especially with what you been going threw.....im glad your considering aftercare most of us go with apprehension only to find a sigh of releaf once where there meeting help get you threw the mindscrew of this thing if not that most major health ins covers out pacent substance abuse consoling it dosent mater how you got addicted the fact is you did and your going to need help to get out of it you seam to be thinking rashenly now sorry bout the spelling I barley made it threw school but this stuff I know like the back of my hand
I hope you get a good nights sleep...keep in mind your emotions are going to be all over the place for awile panic anxiety is common early on so just push past it leave the classroom if you have to it usually passes quickly keep posting for support good luck and God bless.......Gnarly....your in my prayers David  

[mommyoffive0529]

Thank you David and i will pray for you too...are you too suffering the mind boggling anxiety from this craziness...i hope i will be able to enjoy my kids again soon ..maybe day 21 or 22 too...all i can think about right now is the freaking anxiety....i hope to be able to paint my daughter's nails soon...Day 16 over and out

[hiskidd]

You guys rock. Had to post at night. It's 7:40, and when I got home around six (had a detour to the tax man for a bit - he's a friend), I got my love to my family, and then I got dressed for the treadmill. I'm jogging a bit, then keeping the pace up at a good walking speed for 20 solid minutes. After that, I ate a healthy dinner, and played Nintendo Wii with my boys. I saw and complimented my 2 year old baby girl's freshly painted nails and toenails, and now the kids are about to go to bed. I'll shower, put some touches on my lesson plan for tomorrow, take a sleeping aid, watch a Law and Order episode with my wife, and then hopefully be asleep by 10. Someone earlier said something about having a bad bed, and right now that's us. Our couch is much firmer. I think I'll try that tonight.

I wrote all of this because I am beyond appreciative for those of you who are still sick like me, and yet you take the time to pull for me. It's amazing. This is day 21 and tomorrow will be day 22 completely oxy-free.

Mommy, I'm praying for your anxiety. Tired, I'm praying for your big jump tomorrow. Not just "saying" I'm praying, but I'm praying. I know I have to start over tomorrow, but at least I don't have to worry about tomorrow till it gets here. That's something I haven't said to myself in a long time. With real love, David

[ImDONENoMore]

Nothing will make me stop rooting for you.  Your words are so strong.  You can do this David.  You ARE doing it.  And take some Aleve - it will help with your pain.  I will keep sending positive thoughts your way.  :)

[vicki595]

No,it's not a victory post! I KNOW so well what you mean!!  You're getting through but you haven't grabbed the demon and beaten it down yet. You're getting there. It really does take time BUT IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER every day!

Hang in there. Forget about the oxy for pain. It's over. You don't take that anymore. It doesn't exsist for you. It will kill you slowly so good thing it's out of your life!!

Keep posting...eat dinner...relax and talk with April. During these times you can only go minute to minute and that's okay.

[hiskidd]

Hi guys. I'm still at work, but leaving soon. Not long after my post, and talking to April, I started feeling incrementally better. Still back pain, but panic and super-fatigue were minimal. April said she prayed for me all day. Amazing.

I read every word you guys post. I don't yet know what my course of aftercare will be, but I will find one. I'm worried about so many things, mostly related to the future, but some of it work related. I don't say that to be redundant, but because I agree with you about the mind games, rebound pain, taking things slowly, lowering expectations, eventually getting better, and aftercare. Ironically, Vicky, I didn't bring any OTC anti-inflammatory pain relievers with me. I have Advil and Aleve and their sitting at home. Yes there is something mental about me not wanting to feel pain AND either not feeling it or not feeling it from oxy/opiates. It's like I've convinced myself IT HAS to be one or the other. I've felt accupuncture help some. I've felt a bath help some. I've felt sleep help some. I've felt stretching help some, and yet I'm still frustrated to the point of anxiety when I have pain.

This isn't a victory post. I mean it is because I didn't have my wife go get me an oxy prescription today, but I don't think because I "got through" today that it's roses here on in. Heck, today isn't even over. What I'm getting to is a big Thank You for caring and posting. I wasn't offended at all with what I'mDONE said, but I do know I would not be this far without this forum. Not I "feel," I "know." So, you guys, KNOW you are loved and appreciated. I mean it. See you tonight or tomorrow ;)

Your friend,
David