Aa
so so depressed.dont know what to do
I'm on my "88th" day clean ffrom a hefty hefty oxy habbit. I'm in a suboxone program which as been working relatively well. But prior to getting into the sub program i was severely depressed with genralized anxiety disorder. I've been on so many meds for the anxiety and depression i cant even count, along with seeing countless DR's. i have to be completely honest, once i was about two months into the sub program i was feeling alot better. I was off all anti-depressents and anxiety meds. i still wasn't feeling 100%, like no motivation and was still having a bit of agoraphobia but figured as i cont. therapy it would get better. butit didnt, I just recently stopped therapy because i couldnt aford it and thought the sub treatment was more important then the therapy. But the past month or two, i've been relapsing here and there. I'd say maybe once or twice a week, but now i'm starting to feel like i'm getting sucked back in, the only reason i relapsed is because i am so depressed. i have two kids and i'm having such a hard time with my day to day duties, most days i dont even get ou of bed. I'm crying a lot, i feel just worthless. I've been fighting with family and friends. at this point i dont talk to any of them. No one knew i was in the sub program and even in the begining when i was doing great they were still accusing me of being on drugs, and honestly, i wasnt on anyting, except the sub. they are the reason for my relapsing. I mean, no one put a gun to my head, but they made things so hard for me the only way i knew to escape those feelings wereto use. Does anyone have any advice on how to try to pull myself out of this. My idea was to start with babysteps, make myself get up in the am, try my hardest to get out with the baby for a little walk. basiclly, i'm gonna treat myself like a child and literally write out a schedule and try my best to stick to it. i mean, as of now, i not only stay in bed all day, i barely even shower. I dont want to go on any more meds. i had bad experiences and awful side effects with anti-depressants so i def. dont want to go there again bu i'm at wits end here, I'm so sad and misrible. I swore to myself, no more relapses. it's doing nothing but bringing me down more. I'm just so upset about the lack of support from family and friends, I had one of my close friends come in from NY to visit me and just aving her here made me happy. my husband said he hasnt seen me lagh or smile like that in so long. and all we did was have a glass of wine and watch a movie. i just feel like if i had more positive support from my friends and family it would help. but when i say that to them they tell me i'm playing the victim role and i need to grow up and stop depending on other people for my ownhappiness. my husband has been awsome but he's in the sub program wit me. so i dont think its fair to dump all this on him when he's trying to keep himself together. and he's said numerous times he just doesnt know what to do with me anymore. the depression is not only taking me over emotionally but physically too. headache's and stomaches and bodyaches. Please....some words of encouragement or advice or help. i feel like i'm drowning and cant get to the surface. it's like in the begining of w/d's, when you think the world is gonna end. i can't get that feeling to go away. and how do i get motivation to just get up and out. I'm so lost right now.
Hi, I can identify with the no support from your family, I've cut off contact with my sisters and brother and I'm ok with that. My new mantra is "have no expectations and you won't be let down". I'll get well again but it will never a warm, fuzzy relationship with them. When your chips are down you sure find out fast who will help you and who will hurt you, it's a hard thing but you have to move on. You need support, someone who
cares about you and will gently nudge you along. I think that the older tricyclic antidepressants work best and are way cheaper then the newer ones. One is used for pain management.......hope you feel better soon (hug)
cares about you and will gently nudge you along. I think that the older tricyclic antidepressants work best and are way cheaper then the newer ones. One is used for pain management.......hope you feel better soon (hug)
I'm concerned for you... you said you contemplate suicide every morning? I know how you feel, I've been in a spot where I thought it was hopeless. But it's really not - nothing is ever that bad. A bad divorce, financial problems - teenage girls alone is enough to drive you silly!! The combo of that and whatever addiction you suffer from is alot to deal with on your own with no outside help. And living the way you're living is not the way to live, you were right about that, but suicide is NEVER the answer.... You said you love your dog - get up and take her for a walk! Get out of the house, move around, do something that will make you feel better. Being where you are emotionally, you need to take baby steps to take control of your life again. Nothing will change unless you do... trust me, you can get out of this. Start saying positive things to yourself, write positive things down. Everyday write down 3 things that you plan to do that day - being able to accomplish things will help knock some of that depression away. And keep posting - if you're feeling really low - get on here and POST!! Someone is normally around to help - I'm extending an invite to PM me if you need to ok?
I am either in bed or on the sofa. I watch television and do some exercise when I can force myself. That's it.
Why would I want to live like this? I have no life, no family (except for my two girls, 21 and 16) who detest me.
Our lives were almost "enchanted" when they were small; my husband divorced me (because I couldn't work) and left us with almost nothing (just enough so that I don't qualify for any assistance, but can't have anything, either.) I pay rent, utilities, food for the girls - that's it. I feel hopeless and cornered, and I'm tired of trying to get out of this. It's a waste.
I go to sleep at 4am, wake at 6, and try to quell the panic until 10:30am. I watch "The View" and then it's time for meds - after that I get a little done except when I am totally exhausted from no sleep (about half of the time.)
Right now I'm sitting here with my little dog. When she cuddles with me, I can't move. It's frankly the nicest sensation that I know and the only love I receive. I stay here with her until she moves.
Why would I want to live like this? I have no life, no family (except for my two girls, 21 and 16) who detest me.
Our lives were almost "enchanted" when they were small; my husband divorced me (because I couldn't work) and left us with almost nothing (just enough so that I don't qualify for any assistance, but can't have anything, either.) I pay rent, utilities, food for the girls - that's it. I feel hopeless and cornered, and I'm tired of trying to get out of this. It's a waste.
I go to sleep at 4am, wake at 6, and try to quell the panic until 10:30am. I watch "The View" and then it's time for meds - after that I get a little done except when I am totally exhausted from no sleep (about half of the time.)
Right now I'm sitting here with my little dog. When she cuddles with me, I can't move. It's frankly the nicest sensation that I know and the only love I receive. I stay here with her until she moves.
I feel exactly like you describe. Except that my husband (a psychiatrist) left me with nothing, except two VERY difficult teen-aged girls.Every morning I contemplate suicide.
I have a sweet little poodle, and I talk to her all the time, telling her that she has saved my life.
I'm very good at yoga, but don't have motivation or money to get training to be a teacher.
I feel like I can't survive.
I have a sweet little poodle, and I talk to her all the time, telling her that she has saved my life.
I'm very good at yoga, but don't have motivation or money to get training to be a teacher.
I feel like I can't survive.
instead of(or in addition to)making a schedule, perhaps you could just write as long a list of things that you enjoy doing, or that your kids enjoy doing, that you could do whenever you get bogged down by these bad feelings. you may not actually feel like doing them but once you start you might start to get into them or at least distract yourself from the negative feelings.
this forum(and others on this site)is a great place to be when you're feeling like dirty stinking monkey balls(not my words). you can find ppl who are worse off than you(some ppl feel better that way), or you could find ppl to chat with who are feeling the same way that you are, or you can just sticky beak yourself into other ppl's business.
whatever you decide to do, i hope that you are able to find a way out of this terrible place you're in.
good luck to you.
Nick
this forum(and others on this site)is a great place to be when you're feeling like dirty stinking monkey balls(not my words). you can find ppl who are worse off than you(some ppl feel better that way), or you could find ppl to chat with who are feeling the same way that you are, or you can just sticky beak yourself into other ppl's business.
whatever you decide to do, i hope that you are able to find a way out of this terrible place you're in.
good luck to you.
Nick
I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been through depression before - several times. I could not get out of bed either. It is embarrasing to say but, I went a couple of weeks without showerin because I would think about getting in the shower and than I would think, what is the point, I have no where to go and nothing to do and than I just would kinda phsyc myself out of showering. I lost control of the basic things in life that "normal" people would take for grantit - showering, cooking, cleaning, getting out of bed. I would stay up for nights on end and about 4 in the morning or around that time, I would fall into the bottomless pit of crying and self pity and by the time my husband got up for work at 5 my eyes would almost be swollen shut. I did wind up going to the doc and he sent me to a mental health clinic and i spoke to a therapist and a phsychiatrist. they told me I was bi-polar with manic depressive disorder as a side kick. They did put me on medicine but, I like you had awful side effects, the one pill had to be bumped up over time to 200mg. I took only 25mg and almost slept for a week. and when i did wake up I felt literally like committing suicide, I would actually say my prayers and beg for death to come quickly so I didn't have to go through all of this pain - physically and emotionally.
The reason I am telling you this, is that you are not alone. So many people out in the world go through what you are going through and sometimes even worse stuff. I don't have a quick fix for you. What I wound up doing is like reverse phsycology on myself. I would phsyc (suppose to sound like Sike) myself into thinking that I had something to do. Have you ever gone through manic stages in your deression? I mean the highs and the lows? When / if you had the highs, you remember how you just felt important? It is hard to explain. But, basically I would trick myself into making one thing just be really important and trick myself mentally into thinking that I was so important and everyone would be so proud of me if I done this one thing. Even if that one thing was making a pot of coffee. It didn't happen overnight but, I was grasping at straws and heard this idea from t.v. and I was willing to try anything at that point.
Do you have a therapist? There are some mental health centers that work on a sliding fee scale and would allow payments to be made. Do either yourself or your hubby work? There is a program through a place of work where you and your spouse and family are eligible for free therapy /counseling for whatever reason. I honestly cannot remember the name. I will find it in the morning and send it to you through a PM. Also, have you ever applied for state assistance? like medicaid? I used to work for the State of Montana - Office of Public Assistance and was a case manager for TANF (cash assistance) food stamps and medicaid and there are alot of medicaid programs out there that have different income and resource levels.
Have you contacted your state office for mental health? Most states have funds set aside for counseling for low income families or families in distress or on the verge of divorce or splitting up over a mental issue. There are a few other programs in my state that I believe are government run - through the state. I will find out what they are called in the morning and send those to you through a PM also, and you can look into those programs in your state.
If you can try to get to a counselor / therapist and talk with him/her and your doctor about what is going on, I think that might be your best bet. I think the program through work is called Vocational Resorces, I am almost positive but, I will find out for sure in the morning o.k.
I hope you don't think I am being nosey or bossy. I can just hear the frustration in your story and I feel for what you are going through. I have been down that road a time or two myself and around the block and up the alley!!! Smile once for tonight, it will get better, we will all be here for you. And as far as your family well, you sound like a neat person and you deserve to be loved and cherished and cared for, and if they can't see that, than that is their problem, not yours. Take your own advice and baby yourself, you need that right now. Take care of yourself first and the other things will slowly fall into place I promise. Like I said we will all be here for you!!! If there is anything you want to ask me, send me a PM if you don't want to put it out in the open o.k.
give yourself a huge HUG, you are worth it!!! dont forget that o.k.
I will say goodnight but, I will be back on in the morning o.k.
until then - your friend - montanagurl
The reason I am telling you this, is that you are not alone. So many people out in the world go through what you are going through and sometimes even worse stuff. I don't have a quick fix for you. What I wound up doing is like reverse phsycology on myself. I would phsyc (suppose to sound like Sike) myself into thinking that I had something to do. Have you ever gone through manic stages in your deression? I mean the highs and the lows? When / if you had the highs, you remember how you just felt important? It is hard to explain. But, basically I would trick myself into making one thing just be really important and trick myself mentally into thinking that I was so important and everyone would be so proud of me if I done this one thing. Even if that one thing was making a pot of coffee. It didn't happen overnight but, I was grasping at straws and heard this idea from t.v. and I was willing to try anything at that point.
Do you have a therapist? There are some mental health centers that work on a sliding fee scale and would allow payments to be made. Do either yourself or your hubby work? There is a program through a place of work where you and your spouse and family are eligible for free therapy /counseling for whatever reason. I honestly cannot remember the name. I will find it in the morning and send it to you through a PM. Also, have you ever applied for state assistance? like medicaid? I used to work for the State of Montana - Office of Public Assistance and was a case manager for TANF (cash assistance) food stamps and medicaid and there are alot of medicaid programs out there that have different income and resource levels.
Have you contacted your state office for mental health? Most states have funds set aside for counseling for low income families or families in distress or on the verge of divorce or splitting up over a mental issue. There are a few other programs in my state that I believe are government run - through the state. I will find out what they are called in the morning and send those to you through a PM also, and you can look into those programs in your state.
If you can try to get to a counselor / therapist and talk with him/her and your doctor about what is going on, I think that might be your best bet. I think the program through work is called Vocational Resorces, I am almost positive but, I will find out for sure in the morning o.k.
I hope you don't think I am being nosey or bossy. I can just hear the frustration in your story and I feel for what you are going through. I have been down that road a time or two myself and around the block and up the alley!!! Smile once for tonight, it will get better, we will all be here for you. And as far as your family well, you sound like a neat person and you deserve to be loved and cherished and cared for, and if they can't see that, than that is their problem, not yours. Take your own advice and baby yourself, you need that right now. Take care of yourself first and the other things will slowly fall into place I promise. Like I said we will all be here for you!!! If there is anything you want to ask me, send me a PM if you don't want to put it out in the open o.k.
give yourself a huge HUG, you are worth it!!! dont forget that o.k.
I will say goodnight but, I will be back on in the morning o.k.
until then - your friend - montanagurl
I deal with depression. I take 20mg lexapro.I used to take 3 .5 xanex a day.
I would also take 400 to 500 mg oxycodone a day. four 80 oxycontins and 6 15 roxies. I now try to limit myself to 12 10/325 norcos.I don't think I can OD on OP.Maybe a OZ, not on grs. I broke my hip 20 years ago and have had it replaced once and need to have it replaced again. I KNOW what major depresion feels like. If you need to talk to me you can. Ive dealt with the pit of w/d's and depression and with the help of God came through on top.Trust me and at least talk to your husband. If not ,your friends here are here for you.philster
I would also take 400 to 500 mg oxycodone a day. four 80 oxycontins and 6 15 roxies. I now try to limit myself to 12 10/325 norcos.I don't think I can OD on OP.Maybe a OZ, not on grs. I broke my hip 20 years ago and have had it replaced once and need to have it replaced again. I KNOW what major depresion feels like. If you need to talk to me you can. Ive dealt with the pit of w/d's and depression and with the help of God came through on top.Trust me and at least talk to your husband. If not ,your friends here are here for you.philster
my husband and i have been together firever it feels like. I'm 29yrs old, we,ve been together since I was 17 and have been married since 04'. He truly is my best friend, we don't keep anythng from eachother. I just feel like i'm burdening him so much. He's never really dealt with depression or anxiety issuses in his past so he is just at a loss with me, It's definitely taken a toll on our relationship. I just need to kick my but in ger, but how do I do that. I feel like i can;t to anything, it takes the life outa me to vacum, or unpack/pack the dishwasher.
ive been married almost 30 years and have put my wife thru hell a few times but that is what being married is about. Sharing things with her that I am afraid to share w/ anyone else. If you cant share with him then share w/ us. Please hang in there. 88 days is so long. we r here for u! Talk to us. Whats going on that I can help u with. I have a relation with a Powerful God and I WILL PRAY FOR YOU!
i tell my husband so much, i feel bad. I think he needs therapy from me unloading all my **** on him. he's great. he tries his hardest but nothing helps. he cant take it anymore cause he doesnt know how to help. I just feel so empty and broken. Its been months since i've been of the anti-depresants but i dont know if its the best idea to get back on them. I've tried so many and they made me feel nuts, literally i got taken away in an ambulance cause i was crying ad just feakin out. i'm always in that 1% of people that have the worst side effects. I'm balling my eyes out just writing this. i feel like a lost cause. my kids deserve better. shuld they see me like this or is it better to just not have me around at all. i dont mean that as a suicide attempt, as muc as i'd say it i dont have the balls. i could never. i just feel helpless. i feel like if my friends and family gave me a positive support system, i'd feel better. I know i could go to group meetings and stuff but i want the people close to me. thats what helps, but they do what ever they can to exclude me, then they say i doit to myself. i've communicated this to them but it went no were. i got called a drama queen and they kept saying oh, poor you........i feel like doing somethng bad just so they get a reality check....i'm lost
You've come so far! I am praying for you. Share with your husband what is hapening. Do not shut him out. Write out what you are feeling. Get some exercise. 88 days is so far. Tell your doctor the dp meds are not working and find what does. phil
i just feel so hopeless. when we 1st started the sub program i as so gung ho but now i just wanna crawl under a rock. i dont wanna live like this anymore. do you know if any of the natural stuff like 5htp,etc....can or can not be taken with suboxone?
A lot of folks say that the L-tyrosine helped them a great deal with motivation and energy. Other than that it does sound like you have a pretty good game plan. Baby steps. A written schedule to follow. Make sure that you consider nutrition. Dont get too ambitious at first... or dont get too upset if you dont get every item on your list done immediately. Get enough sleep. All that stuff. Some even say that caffeine helped them at first ... and good luck to you ........
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