It's been awhile

[Ronda8899]

Hey all. I know I disappeared for awhile. I was doing good with NA and thought I got it down. I was clean for a bit then I would use again. That cycle continues to happen. Right now I am so not into NA or even wanting to hear about it. I understand it has helped so many people and I respect that and I'm so happy for the people it has helped. However I find that I did so much better getting off them before by myself than with NA. I need support and not just people telling me to pick up a book or go to a meeting or talk to my sponsor. I was sexually assaulted recently and that spiraled me back into the addiction. Within the next few days I am going to be going through withdrawal again and once again going to stop. I got books to read. Games to play. Finding lots of positive distractions. I know each time I've come off these it's been worse than the last and I know I went higher than I had wanted to. It's going to be hell for a bit. I don't really know what I'm looking for. I just know that when I was talking to people on here and trying to get clean before it was really helping. I'm hoping that this time I can kick it for good. I'm sick of this back and forth stuff so much. I'm sick of all the bad stuff happening to me because of a pill. My goal is to be completely clean and not even going through withdrawals by Christmas. I want to bring the new year in clean and have a new me. Like I sai I don't really know what I'm looking for on here but I still read all the posts and really felt the need to post one myself. Thanks for anyone that's reading.

[Ronda8899]

So I'm going on like four hours sleep. Usually I can at least sleep through this but because of the coughing it's just not happening. I'm having mood swings and cravings like terrible. Still got the sweating. Major pain. Seriously don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. I feel like there's no end in sight. Tomorrow I have to leave my house and go to my parents. Saturday I have to go to a concert. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I have so much anxiety about that and everything else.

[Ronda8899]

Everything your feeling I'm feeling also. When I wake up it will be day 3 for me. That's usually the worst day but I'm hoping not because yesterday and today were horrific for me. I'm hoping so badly it will be just a little better.

[murphy667]

my grasp aint so tight, but i remind myself over and over and over, time passes normally but my perception of it is not normal. either way, i have4-7 days of feeling like hell, can't think straight, can hardly move at all. but it will get better. it has too - nothing is this bad.

[Ronda8899]

You seem to have a better grasp on this than I do so seriously good for you. I feel out of control like my mind just won't rest thinking of what I'm going through and will be going through.

[murphy667]

yeah, not a great day here either. just so....cold. but i think we will both make it to tomorrow, and then the next one. i just try to focus on getting through this one. i do hope you are doing ok

[Ronda8899]

Today is terrible. Not sure anything I'm doing is even helping. Don't know how to get from one day to the next. I would sign up and you can send people private messages and just make your own thread of you want.